I have decided today that despite my negative head that has been lingering for a little while now (I don’t understand it I should be so happy. I am healthy, have so much to be happy about yet still dwell on things. Sometimes I can’t work me out!) That I should try and start making a few changes to make life even better. I am dwindling at a few of the things I should be doing. I am not beating myself up about it but think maybe I should have more control over things and maybe it will keep me focused. I have been doing the same sort of exercise although rotating it for some time now. The same goes for my morning rituals and my food. I like order but maybe planning things would be better. I have decided that making weekly plans on a Sunday would set me up for the week ahead. I have decided to make a plan of the meals I am to eat during the week. This gives me a chance to experiment and try new things out. Keep it fresh. I will also make a plan for each days exercise. I will do days where I focus mainly on cardio or go for a cycle and another day I will focus purely on weights and so on. I haven’t been doing as much yoga either as I found doing both exercise and yoga was taking too much time in the morning and actually stressing myself out more! Ha ha!
I may even find a yoga class to attend once or twice a week. Maybe that would be good for me. But then I feel the time pressures of having to get there and back. I am a fool to myself. I find things so difficult unless it’s in the comfort of my own home.
I want to schedule doing some art in but then that encroaches on doing work. I can’t schedule everything that would be crazy but I keep forgetting to do things that I love.
I have been feeling a little disconnected recently. I can’t tell whether it’s from being away, feeling odd after having treatment in Germany or if it’s from stopping the anti sickness tablets. All I know is that I want to feel grounded and connected with my spirit. When I’m connected I feel alive and have so much clarity and drive for the future. Today I have felt really within myself again and thought maybe that I spend too much time alone or without talking to someone. When I talk to my clients I forget all my life woes and really enjoy myself. I realised that I actually spend all day without a sound in the house. I don’t play music and don’t have the TV on. So that was it I cranked up some happy disco tunes and did my ironing to them. I felt instantly better. There is a lot to be said about how music affects the soul and uplifts.
I have nothing to be miserable about. I have nothing to worry about. I have to live in the now. Yet I still find my old self dragging me back into the doldrums. It seems so crazy. I have to enjoy now as no one knows what tomorrow brings. I keep thinking it cannot be this easy. I cannot get away with it this lightly. But then I have to adjust myself and think has it really been that easy?! And have I got off lightly at all?! No. I deserve every happiness and the success that comes with it. The old me still thinks I am not doing enough and cuts too many corners. I am not as strict with things like my diet as I have been in the early days but then I was so afraid of everything that I just att greens.
I read yesterday about a guy in Australia who writes a blog and also goes to the same doctor as me in Germany. He also goes to lots of others and lives of a ketogenic diet. It sounds extreme and then started to gt overwhelmed. What if I shold be doing that? A ketogenic diet is where you stop all carbs as they create glucose and we know that glucose is turned into sugar and canSer feeds on sugar. This kind if diet has a high protein element and that includes meats and fats. This is so conflicting to how I feel about diet. I don’t feel eating animal is healthy and eating a more vegan/vegetarian diet with the occasional fish thrown is the way to go. I put so much on diet as I really believe it is completely healing but I obviously don’t put that much into as if I did I would do just the diet thing instead of the conventional treatment and complementary route. I do feel a sense of ‘I’ve had enough’ some days. Not that I want to give but I really don’t know which way to turn. I try to remind myself that I must be doing something right as the canSer has gone from my lymph nodes and it isn’t growing that much which for an aggressive form of canSer is pretty good I think. But I want it all. I want no evidence of disease. I want it to be in remission. And I want to be a miracle! Miracles happen every day, I keep telling myself that. But then I think how hard it is for other people. One lady had to go to John of God six times before her illness went completely. But then I don’t know the facts. Was she having conventional medicine as well? You know I could sit here thinking all day long and still come back full circle.
I went for acupuncture today. The lady I see does fifth element acupuncture. Chinese philosophy recognises five distinct elements of cyclical change called water, wood, fire, earth, and metal. These five elements can be related to our four seasons (with a fifth late summer season). The elements can also be related to different colours, emotion, taste, voice and various organs. These can also be related to the selection of food and herbs. Each person's physical and mental constitution can be described as a balance of the elements in which one or more may naturally dominate. The proportion of the elements in a person determines his or her temperament. Oriental medicine considers the ideal condition as one in which all the five elements are in balance or in harmony. Wood is said to be the mother of fire and the son of water. (Water allows wood to grow, wood provides fuel for the fire). Using these relationships one can describe all possible yin-yang imbalances within the body. The thrust of five element diagnosis is to isolate and treat the imbalanced element, because an imbalanced element is like a weak link in your energetic chain that can undermine the strength of your mind, body and spirit.
At my appointment today I was told that I was either earth or fire. The dominating element is yet to show itself fully as she is still working that out. I am not surprised if it is earth as I often feel out of balance and want to feel grounded.
Mary worked a lot on my digestive system today as I have been feeling out of sync and my appetite hasn’t been normal over the weekend. I desperately want to feel connected to my spirit again and hope that over the next few days I will start to feel like good old me again; full of beans, full of smiles and full of positivity. I don’t suit being subdued. I sparkle when I talk to other people. Maybe it’s the change of the seasons coming I said yesterday that something big feels like it is going to happen and I can’t put my finger on it.
Ever since I have booked to do the nutrition course I have started to worry about getting the work done and have I made a mistake. This is not helped by my state of mind. But maybe it isn't my ego or fear getting in the way. Maybe I am just being practical? I am going to going to Germany for almost two weeks in October for further treatment and there are many things in the pipeline that could potentially trip me up. On the other hand with winter coming it could be good to get myself stuck into something.
So in order to find out if I should postpone I asked the school if I could delay starting if I needed to. They have said that I can start at the end of October, January, March or May. This is great news. I will think about it over the week ahead. We are off on holibobs again. I know it seems like we are having so much fun away all the time but actually we have only had one week away a month ago. I am packed and ready. Just tomorrows clients to do then we are off for a week in the sun and some time to think or not. I’m not sure thinking is good for me!
I already feel so much better and now I have written this I am back to my old self. It's crazy.. I would almost say it's hormonal like.... I am a woman after all! I change like the weather!