Yesterday felt like a great day to start again.. As it were. As my treatment appointment wasn't booked until late afternoon we decided to take the opportunity to start a fresh and start as we mean to go on when we return home. We spent the morning exercising, swimming and having a sauna to clear our skin, steam room to clear our lungs and cold showers to stimulate our senses! It felt good to eat less and only fruit and then to use the rest of my time reading Mind over medicine. I love days like that. Pete and I had such a lovely time together.. It was a good day.
Treatment went fine. I had Newcastle Disease virus jab and hyperthermia. It is pretty standard and nothing to report about again really especially as I rarely have any side effects.
The day went a little squiffie after that. We decided to watch a movie. Unfortunately for me and Pete it turned out to be a scary movie. Everyone knows I hate those sort of movies not only because I become so drawn into it but I just want to be happy! The only good thing about the movie was Brad Pitt... The repercussions of this was that I end up replaying it in my mind and lose sleep over it. I know it is only fictional but my problem is that my life seems so surreal that I find it hard it to define what is real life and what is not. I simply can't believe that I have canSer. It's like someone is playing a really sick game with me. That's why I can't differentiate between reality and fiction.
My life feels like one big drama, action packed movie. It's full of highs and lows, laughter and tears. I just want there to be a happy ending. Well actually I would simply like there to be an ending. Sometimes I find it so hard to absorb.
Needless to say I woke today feeling very tired and anxious. I let myself get all consumed and started to worry about my treatment, what the future holds and what if's. Silly I know and not helpful at all. Luckily Pete held me tight and told me everything is going to be ok.
Today's appointments were more significant. I had zometa infusion to stimulate the gamma delta cells followed by the dendritic cell vaccination. As usual the clinic was busy and there is usually a waiting time to see Dr Nesselhut for the vaccination but today there a much longer wait than usual. I understand that things can get delayed but after waiting an hour and a half both Pete and I were becoming very frustrated and nervous. It seems silly especially when we know what to expect but nervousness never leaves you when sitting in a waiting room.
Finally Dr Nesselhut arrived and was a jovial as always. He talked a lot about lectures and new business he is doing around the globe. We tried to ask direct questions about my treatment and specifically for triple negative breast cancer. He says it is all biological and nothing is specific to types of cancer when it comes to immunotherapy that they provide.
We were saddened to know that despite having quite a large amount of blood taken last week that they used it all for the vaccination this time and haven't kept any for my next visit. Also we were advised that Peter would need to give his blood and cells at the clinic every time and could not have it taken in the uk and couriered to them in Germany. This simply ends that every visit now has to be for an extended period of time. Of course this is not ideal and puts so much pressure on us. I know it's a no brained and we will work it out but it would just be nice for things to be getting easier.
I asked Dr Nesselhut how frequent he believes we should return for my next round of treatment. He suggested four to six weeks. Again this needs some time consideration.
On my return to the UK in approximately two to three weeks from now I will be having a CT scan to see how I am getting on. I feel trepidation as I know that immunotherapy can cause the tumours to appear larger initially as they could be covered in dendritic cells not cancer cells. I know that when my oncologist sees this he will assume it is canSer cells and change my chemo regime.
There are so many variables and I have to keep my witts about me. It's up to me the path I take and nothing is black or white and there is no right or wrong decision. it has left both Pete and I feeling very mixed up. Not only could I be having side effects from the vaccination and zometa infusion I also feel quite emotional, overwhelmed, frustrated, confused and scared for the future. I also have feelings of hope and positivity but boy what a mixed up day.
Today is the first day when we haven't enjoyed being here. Tomorrow is our last day and appointments at the clinic then we can make our way home. Its like an end to a chapter and who knows what the next one brings.
I don't want to act like a petulant child but I want to stamp my feet and say I have had enough of this now! But I can't.. Life and canSer isn't like that.
There has been some interesting news today though... I appeared in a national newspaper! The article featured me and Professor Dalgliesh from the Cancer Vaccine Institute. It discusses the usage of immunotherapy and it's success and possibilities for the future... my fifteen minutes of fame. Hopefully it will increase awareness and help raise money for the charity for essential research.
One more night away from home. One more movie night. I have been promised that tonight's movie is a romantic comedy. I hope so I can't possibly manage any more emotions!