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There is a battle going on inside of me....

by Claire28. July 2014 16:32

 The weekend was another memorable one. Pete was given a car for the weekend... not just any old car but his favourite car. We had the pleasure of driving up to our friends in a Bentley! Pete was like a kid in a sweet shop. It was so nice to see him so very happy.

I had a pretty bad night Friday night and despite wanting to stop annoying myself and anyone around me I just couldn’t help the niggles and pains I was experiencing and I still had one more night of injection side effects to go through.

I decided I wouldn’t have any pain anymore and took plenty of paracetemol. I still didn’t sleep and I woke grumpy again. Part of me was wondering is it the vaccines, is it the il2 injections, or is it the scorpion venom?

I simply can’t put my finger on it. To be honest all weekend I was off. Not my vibrant self and it was getting me down a bit. I hate not being ‘right’. We still had an awesome time with friends and I loved cruising around in a £200,000 car and having a little drive of it myself!

When we got home we cuddled in the garden for a while and Pete was just lovely as always. He made a tasty paella, and made the ambience perfect for our friend who spent the evening with us. It was just bliss. I think having friends around and doing things is good because it takes my mind off ‘things’. It’s when I’m left alone again I’m not myself.

Today I have been really busy but one great thing is I slept really well last night compared to the last week. I had no pain what so ever. This indicates it must be those il2 injections. I think I may reduce the dose next time around.

I still haven’t received any scan results and the secretary has even emailed the radiologists to find out where it is. I emailed the secretary to tell her that I will not be attending my clinic appointment tomorrow in that case. She totally understands. To be honest, today I am past caring what that report has to say. I almost don’t want to know. I am living in denial today.

This morning I was woken by my lovely man who got up early and cleaned everything from last night, bought me hot lemon and my medication. He told me to stay in bed and try to chill out more because I don’t do enough of it! This is the man that works all the time, has the pressures of the whole wide world on his shoulders. He is so super wonderful it makes me cry. I feel guilty for moping around and not being on top form.

I don’t know what is wrong with me. I am not myself. And I don’t like it. I feel a bit in limbo. I am nearing the end of my health counselling course and there are a lot of decisions to be made and work to be done. I simply don’t feel like it right now. I keep wondering if it is hormones because I usually want to do everything! I’m normally planning and doing and never stopping. The not doing at the moment is making me feel worse I think.

I have so much to be happy for and so much to look forward to. Yet I feel like my life’s plans are all squiffy. I am not sure if I am putting things off and thinking I’ll do them when I am better. How much better do I need to be? Let’s face it there is nothing wrong with me really. Only what they tell me.

So there isn’t anything that should be stopping me doing anything! I need a plan of action for every element of my life; a re-evaluation. That’s it. I need to step back and make a decision on what it is I want to change and how I want things to be.

I want to incorporate the health counselling into my daily business and advise those who need my help such as other canSer survivors who are just beginning, half way through or who have come out the other end and want to stay well. I can advise on every element of my ten point plan and that includes exercise, nutrition and supplements, alternative treatments, meditation and consultants. I am living proof of the information I can provide.  OK, I too have down days but that only makes me more real.  Even I need advice and therapy too, but I think by making a plan I will get myself to a happier more vibrant me again.

It’s amazing how such little niggly things can really throw you off course. Not only the pain at night but the acidic feeling in my tummy has been upsetting me. Pete pointed out that there is a battle going on inside of me. Of course I am going to feel it sometimes! He is so logical...But that’s why everybody needs somebody.  And I intend on being that ‘somebody’ for many people hopefully, who will require my services.

Here are a few shots of our weekend that made me smile;

                                                  

                        

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Triple Negative

I feel all.. floopy.

by Claire25. July 2014 12:55

 

Wednesday morning I headed down to Tooting to St Georges again, this time not only to collect interleukin 2 injections but also to see Professor Dalgliesh. I left myself plenty of time but unfortunately my train was cancelled. I was too worried though. I got to the hospital half hour late and I expected to wait like I would at the Churchill in oxford. They are always running late there but I walked in to an empty waiting room! What a novelty. I was seen by Nneka who provided me with the injections and then Prof wanted to see me... for all of about twenty seconds. He asked if I had any symptoms, No. I chatted about the lumps in my tummy that the il2 injections leave. Apparently that is normal but if I was to let the injection warm up to body temperature before injecting then the lumps wouldn’t occur. Oh, now they tell me!

So as quick as I arrived, I then left. Pete had messaged me earlier to say that he was having meetings in London that afternoon so I hopped on the tube and went over to Knightsbridge to meet him after. It was a great afternoon mooching around the shops trying not to buy anything and then I had a message from a friend saying her partner was in the vicinity and he was on his way to meet me!  Don’t you just love spontaneous events? We sat in the sun having a few cheeky Pimms and lemonades whilst we waited for Pete. Then along he came and afternoon went into evening. It was just lovely. I had a really good day.

I did my injection in the car on the way home and by the time I got to bed it was nearly midnight. It was worth staying up late for though. Unfortunately the injection gave the same side effects as before. I had a fever that woke me up about four hours later. It’s hard to describe because not only do I feel hot I feel like there is a hole in my back; a pain deep inside but towards the back of me. I imagine a hole in my spirit, my chakras. It’s so weird. I can’t lie still and I feel utterly awful. I popped a few paracetemol as usual but they didn’t have any effect.

Needless to say yesterday wasn’t such a good day. I felt just rubbish. I felt drained, sickly and just plain achy. I walked so much on Wednesday my legs ached (but on my UP app it said I had walked 22,000 steps! Yay!) And I just couldn’t snap out of it. I had a day of clients too until 7.30pm. The good thing though, was working did take my mind off it and I didn’t wallow in self pity but the end of the day couldn’t come quick enough.

I cooked us an omelette for tea. Something nice and light and even that I couldn’t stomach. I am such a moaner. All day I felt teary and just absorbed in my own self pity.

It probably doesn’t help not knowing what my scan results are. I am not sure why I let them define me? It makes no difference really what the results are. All they do is decide what my next step is. But I can’t help but wish for an exceptional outcome. Am I being too unrealistic to expect that?

With all these aches, pains and twinges part of me thinks it’s great because my body is responding to the injections and vaccines. The other part of me thinks that there is something profoundly wrong. But my little body is going through quite a lot. I mustn’t be too hard on myself.

I do feel though the last month or so I haven’t been on an even kill. I can decide if I have had more off days than good ones. I miss feeling awesome all the time. Most days I have plenty of energy and always exercise. Today was different. I simply couldn’t muster up the energy. Last night I did sleep better, I didn’t take any paracetemol after having my il2 injection and I felt a tiny bit better. I did have a hot, sweaty night again and I did feel achy and odd. Thankfully not like I had a hole in my back.  It’s hard to describe. At the moment I feel my spirit is off. I know I haven’t been having as many treatments from other therapists but I am not sure they could help.  I feel all, like Phoebe from Friends would say floopy. I am in need of being in balance and I don’t know what will do that.

Update on my arm: The vaccination I had last Thursday has now erupted and looks like a volcano. It is sore and pusy. It’s so unattractive but in the scheme of things, who cares, right?

On the plus side, Pete is being an absolute diamond as always. Every morning he brings me a hot lemon drink and tucks me up whilst he leaves for the gym or work. An hour later he calls to see how I am. I couldn’t ask for a better way to start the day. I am really enjoying my morning rituals. I even love the green juices now. I always knew they were beneficial but having vegetable juices is quite hard to stomach. I don’t know what has changed but I really love them.

My life is brilliant. I just wish I could sleep soundly and feel replenished in the mornings. I want to be full of energy and have a zest for life.

I am still waiting for scan results. Despite the secretary saying she would email them, the radiologists haven’t actually done the report yet. Really? Well if by Tuesday they haven’t been done I won’t be going to see Professor Harris. I know they will be ready then and I just can’t stand sitting in the clinic waiting room dreading what he will say.

I know this is playing on my mind. As I said it really doesn’t matter what they say but I so want good news. I need to shift this living every three months. It isn’t good for my health. Or Pete’s.

When I’m feeling tired and emotional I just wish I could worry about other things like normal people do, like where to go on holiday , or having to save up for home improvements. Living with bloody canSer gets so boring. To be honest I wouldn’t mind, thank you very much, if I could just be told it was all over and then I could focus on helping other people. But... that’s just life. My life.

Blah, blah, blah... I bored of moaning. I have so much to be thankful. This morning I opened the door to receive a package. I opened it up and it was gift bought for me by Pete. It’s a stylus pencil for the app I use to make my drawings. We have been waiting for months for it to arrive in the UK. Yay! I am so chuffed. Also i have a man here right now. Sounds odd right? J He is measuring up and designing my kitchen. I have wanted a new kitchen for years and we decided to at least take the first step and get someone in to design and price it. Then we just need to see if we can afford to have it done. Gulp. Anyway, these are all things to look forward to.

This weekend we have lots to look forward to, seeing friends, laughing and joking. Just what we need.....Happiness....

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Triple Negative

UP, UP and Away!

by Claire21. July 2014 12:34

Morning!

I recently bought Pete a new toy. It’s a wristband that calculates your fitness and sleep patterns and more. The app that goes with the wrist band by Jawbone is called UP. The reason for buying it is that Pete is working out a lot and also wants to lose weight. I also don’t think he gets enough sleep and with his job being quite stressful, cortisol can accumulate as fat around the tummy. So in order for Pete to be more aware and mindful of what is happening in his life we decided to invest in the wristband. It is so insightful that I now have one too.

Daily it records the amount of steps you make. This is so interesting. I really thought I was very sedentary but the target steps of 10,000 per day has been exceeded every single I day I have worn the wristband. I log all the food and drink I consume. This makes me mindful of when I eat and consider what I take in. I also log exercise and the length of time I train. But the most interesting thing is sleep. It can calculate how long you sleep for as well as determining whether it is deep sleep or light sleep and how many times you wake up and so on.

Now I harp on about loving sleep and I often wonder why I want to sleep so much. I now know. In the last three days despite perhaps being in bed for about 9-10 hours most nights I am actually only getting about 3-4 hours deep sleep. The rest is either awake or light sleep.

Pete on the other hand has less sleep than me but his deep sleep is for the majority of his time in bed. Therefore he feels much more replenished than I do. It is also very interesting seeing how long it takes for us to fall asleep. I take about 20 minutes and Pete takes about 2 minutes! Ha-ha.

                                     

I think the band and app is a really useful tool. I bought mine from Amazon.If you interesting in taking a look here is the link for more information;
https://jawbone.com/up

I have a busy week again this week. Life is always exciting! Today I have a full day of clients. Tomorrow though is my three month CT scan. I know, can you believe it is three months already?

I haven’t stressed much about it but I have to admit I am a little wobbly about it again. I won’t allow myself to do the whole, 'what if?' scenario... so I think I will just not worry about it. Who am I kidding?

Peace out!

XX

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Triple Negative

6 years of Happily Ever After....

by Claire21. July 2014 12:21

 

Saturday 19th July was our sixth wedding anniversary. Can’t quite believe it has gone so quickly yet feels like it was only yesterday. We spent the day just chilling and being together. We sat in the garden throughout the thunder storms and had a little dance in the rain. I have felt so very happy recently, mainly when Pete is home and we are just spending time in our safe place. Just like the engraving in our wedding rings says, 'Happily ever after'...

                                                     

Short and Sweet... X

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Triple Negative

Mind body healing... The answer to healing all diseases?

by Claire17. July 2014 17:24

I have just got back from the London Clinic where I had my fourth IMM101 vaccination. The other three vaccination sites have finally started to properly heal so the doctors were happy to proceed with the next one. They decided though that half the full dose would be enough. As always it immediately looked quite raised then it disappeared. A few hours on and it has spread to quite a yellow raised lump about three times the size. It's different every single time I have one. It's so intriguing.

Today is the hottest day of the year and it's so humid. We Brits aren't used to this kind of weather and if we were we would have air conditioning! I'm sat in the garden writing this on my iPad as my sweat profusely! Too much information?

I've had a lot on my mind today. Before I left to catch the train I watched a lecture from the course I am studying with the Integrative Institute of Nutrition. Unlike the sound of the course it is not simply just about nutrition and helping people just lose weight and feel better. The course describes nutrition into primary foods and secondary foods. Secondary food is the food we eat, the nutrients we ingest. Primary foods include healthy relationships, a fulfilling career, a spiritual practise amongst other things. These are all areas of our life we need to work on as well as the right foods to eat or the diet to have to heal ailments.

The lecture this morning was about mind body healing, that the route of most peoples illnesses or the fact they can't lose weight is due to something deep down that they haven't resolved and it usually something that happened in a very early age.

The lecturer, Paul Epstein, said that even things your parents suffered, like a trauma, could have transferred onto you and that is how dis-ease occurred inside of you.

This really made me think. CanSer has always been said, not to be simply a physical disease but one of the mind. I have done lot of soul searching and working on my emotional self the past two years and have used things like the Soul Forgiveness prayer, emotional freedom technique, hypnotherapy and more and I feel like I have come on leaps and bounds and feel better than I ever did about myself but this really resonated with me.

Paul Epstein said that his father was traumatised by his time fighting in World War 2. He would scream at night and as a young child Paul could hear his screams. Somehow this transferred onto Paul and he suffered with the same trauma later in life which caused his illness.

I have always wondered what caused canSer and I have always thought it was stress. I have always been a highly strung individual and there have been points in my life that I haven't handled as well as I could and I have dealt with regrets and sadness. But what really started this whole path in me?

What Paul said made me think of alcoholism. Now I'm not one to point fingers but the only thing that makes me feel anxious and unsettled when I think of my childhood is my dad drinking and the not knowing what he would come home like. I've dealt with all these emotions but have I manifested this in my own actions throughout my life? I used to party hard and say it was escapism. From what? What was I running from? Life. I didn't marry Pete until I was 33 years old. I had always been afraid of starting a family and knowing myself as I do now, realise that I have always tried to controlled my life. I have always wanted to know what is going to happen, taking away the excitement of what life may bring.

Maybe I did that because I didn't want the surprise of the knock on the front door of life to be smacked really hard by someone I looked up to, who should have been greeting me with a smile followed by a hug. One simple memory that is still as clear in my mind as the day it happened.

Aren't we as individuals silly? How have things that have happened in the past moulded us and created into who we are and have built such resentment, sadness, fear, anger, you name it, to then manifest itself as a disease like, well, anything really, but for me and many others canSer?

It's like a penny dropped. I have been acting like an alcoholic. I have been excessive in my life. I was all or nothing. I was a party girl with no responsibilities and did as much as possible not have any ties, but all the while feeling sadness, regret and wishing I could have a better life. It's not my illness. It's not my problem. 

I have everything I want now. I have security- a home, a job, and a husband. The most important thing I have is an abundance of love. I need to let go of worrying what's round the corner and trying to be perfect. I don't have to cure canSer. I have to heal my soul and to do that, is being authentic and the real me.

I have wondered why I have always been highly strung and stressed. I always I thought I had no reason to be like it or why. I wondered why I was afraid to 'grow up' but I think I get it. I'm not going to let anyone down. I'm not weak and I don't need to be fixed. CanSer isn't part of me. I don't need it to be part of my life. It's not an excuse or a crutch. I can live without it and I can be an adult.

I have been having dreams recently about having a baby. In my late twenties and early thirties I was always scared of having a family. Was it the right thing to do? I would make excuses like, 'Why would I want to bring a child into this world with all the bad things that are in it?' But what I was really doing was reflecting my life's fears. Now I know life is full of love and what I put into it is what's reflected. 

I also dreamt that I had ten God Mothers for our child. Each one helped in their own very special way. Ha ha. I like that. I can picture them all in my head. My friends who  all have their specific strengths and would perfect in their own special ways... Anyway I'm digressing.

Healing illnesses isn't about the right medication, treatment or therapy. It's about healing the cause. Get to the root of it and I believe you over half way there....

Epiphany over.... Time for tea. Xx

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Triple Negative

The fact is 'things' don't make you happy...

by Claire14. July 2014 14:18

 

My trip to Tooting was a doddle on the train last Thursday. I arrived nice and early and the lady who was meeting me had everything prepared. I packed my bag and got straight back on my way home again. Simplezzzz.

I started that evening with the first of three interleukin 2 jabs. I found a new little area on my tummy to inject and in it went. That night I started to feel headachy and flu like again. I didn’t sleep at all. I am so surprised that 3ml of the stuff has such an effect on me. I am not complaining!

The next day I did the second one and I thought I definitely won’t feel rough again... wrong! This time I took paracetemol to alleviate the symptoms and slept much better.

Since then I have also started on the scorpion venom... I know it sounds hilarious. I take 1ml under the tongue and hold it there for five minutes. Seems fine so far. It’s too early to know if it is actually doing anything. I am repeating it three times throughout the day.

Saturday was an exciting day... For the last fifteen years Peter has wanted to go to the Air Tattoo at RAF Fairford. I booked it for his birthday treat and invited some friends up from London. The weather forecast wasn’t great but we had everything crossed.

The day went like a dream. We watched the whole display in an enclosure with brunch included and the Pimms flowed. The sun shone and we were so happy we could see the aircrafts making their beautiful patterns in the sky. For us the Red Arrows are always the best... well they are British after all! Pete had a small tear... Bless him. We both said a big thank you to the Universe for the day being so lovely.

                                          

Yesterday we said goodbye to our friends and headed down to Brighton to our boat. Sadly we had to pack up our belongings on her as she is being sold. It isn’t complete yet but hopefully it will go through. Reluctantly we are selling because we need the funds for more treatment.  Pete was devastated and it was actually very emotional being there and seeing how wonderful she is. She has looked after us through some turbulent times and we have laughed, danced, sang, had barbeques, cuddled up and cried on her in the last four years. She has been there the whole time I have been diagnosed. It’s the only place Pete sleeps like a baby in her womb-like cabin. It’s like she has a soul and we felt like we were betraying her. I felt terrible. I have never adapted to boating like Pete so for me I thought it wouldn’t be so hard to let her go but actually I felt such sadness and guilt combined.  I hate the fact that Pete has to let go of something he loves so much. But he says he loves me more and will do anything for me.

The fact is ‘things’ don’t make you happy. We have many memories- good and bad of Waterloo Sunset but ultimately we have more freedom and more new experiences ahead of us. With great sadness we left her behind all ready for new adventures with someone who cares as much as we do, hopefully.

Last evening was the World Cup football final; Germany against Argentina. As you know we are huge German fans. I had crossed everything in the hope that they would win just so that Pete’s day would improve ever so slightly.... And they did! Yay! There was a least a little smile on the Bears face before bed.

 

                                                  

Today is Bears birthday and I can’t wait for him to come home and open his presents and have a wonderful evening together. He may be older but he gets better with age and more loving and caring, if that is at all possible. Happy Birthday My One! XXX

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Triple Negative

I'm back!

by Claire10. July 2014 16:37

I haven't blogged for about a week and it hasn't been through laziness or because I have been having 'moments' but because I have been away. Again? I hear you cry... Well yes actually.

This time we decided that we would combine our Germany treatment trip with a road trip though France and Germany and we smuggled a little tag along with us.. My mum.

She hasn't been to Duderstadt before and she hasn't been away for nearly two years so thought it would be a nice treat plus it was her birthday.

The three of us set off on Friday and you'd think this end of the journey would be easy.. We had a few near misses and one included a caravan being towed that nearly wiped out on three lanes on the motorway! 

Get me to the Eurotunnel quick!

Our first leg of the trip was a few days in the Champagne region and we stopped off in Reims for a few glasses of the bubbly stuff and lots of walking. We did a cave tour of Veuve Clicquot and can now say we have some more knowledge on the expensive fizzy stuff we love so much (so much we have dedicated a bar to Champagne in our house!)

Our next leg was a stop off in Bonn, Beethovens birth place. We arrived quite late in the day but still managed to walk for hours and then we stopped off for some traditional German food. Mum had to try schnitzel, bratwurst and sauerkraut for sure! A weird thing happened here.. Out of the blue the weather changed almost within a minute from bright sunshine to a tornado! Umbrellas and tables were flying down the street as everyone tried to get indoors without getting soaked. This is when the weather in Europe changed for a few days.

The next morning we got up early and drove another four hours to Duderstadt. My treatment started this afternoon and I had a combination of zometa, il2, oncothermia and Newcastle disease virus as well as having bloods taken for my next visit. 

After Pete and mum had checked into our hotel and I had finished my treatment we paid a quick visit to the lake whilst there was a break in the weather, and had a cheeky ice cream. Ok I know it's not conducive to my normal diet but I was on holiday... Sort of! And a little of what you want is good for you. 

One night in Duderstadt, a small lie in and after a great breakfast we had a little time to spare before my next round of treatment. I took mum to the spa at the Zum Lowen. There we had a splash in the pool, and basked in the Salt Oasis, steam room and sauna as well as scrubbed our bodies with ice and showered in tropical storm showers...

Next round of treatment was a bit of a repeat of before except a few things but on my way in I bumped into a familiar person. I knew the voice, well the accent, and put two and two together. I know of another canSer blogger who goes to see Dr Nesselhut and has been living in Germany having treatment for some time now. His name is Peter Trayhurn and when I heard his Australian accent I introduced myself as I was going to my appointment. 

Immediately we started exchanging information and asking what treatments we were having. We agreed that if there was time we would have a quick cuppa before my vaccination appointment half hour later. I told him to look out for my hubby and mum.

After my treatment I walked back to the hotel and there they all were chatting away. 

What I loved about Peter was his confidence and his ability to see the positive in everything. He seemed really 'together'. A truly awesome guy whom I could have chatted to for hours and there still wouldn't have been enough time. We had to get to see the doc. 

After we all said our goodbyes and hugged we got back to the clinic where ironically we waited for an hour to see Dr Nesselhut. He is worth the wait.

As per, he was very smiley and lovely. He showed me a picture of my monocytes and dendritic cells. He said they are all looking good. As there were plenty of dendritic cells I had half intravenously and half intradermally. Next I had the antisense injection. The one that I should have had done last time. The doc said I shouldn't get any side effects from it. So in went that injection too.

Next we got chatting and he told us how he found out a website in China have said that they have a Dr Nesselhut as their scientific director. Doc said, it isn't him, they have completed lifted his name! Wow, that's scary.

We then chatted about one of his patients who had a really good result recently and found out she had been taking the same stuff that Fidel Castro has been taking to stay alive and well... Scorpion venom. You can't make this stuff up! Seriously! Funnily enough Pete had already heard about this but hadn't been able to locate any of the venom... Until now! 

We left Dr Nesselhuts with my next appointment booked and a bottle of Scorpion venom which I need to put 1ml under my tongue and hold it there for five minutes four times a day. It wasn't cheap. Well nothing ever is! But when in my shoes you are almost willing to try anything. There shouldn't be any side effects but we will see. I haven't started yet. I will maybe tomorrow.

We all hopped in the car and started our journey back across Europe. Our destination for the night was Cologne. Unfortunately the weather was atrocious. Driving conditions were hazardous and almost every road we went on had accidents. Poor old Pete. He is so good and really does anything for me.

He was so relieved when we got there and finally checked in. We were quite excited because that evening was the Germany v Brazil semi final of the World Cup. The energy was bristling all over Germany. We went to one of our favourite restaurants in the city and were lucky enough to be seated in front of a TV. Luckily we had prior planned and prepared and bought German paraphernalia. Our neighbours kindly drew the German colours on our cheeks too!

If you are not a football fan then you may not know that German totally nailed it by winning 7-1! Honestly you can't make this up either? It was amazing to be there and so much fun! It's one of those, where were you when.....brilliant!

Another early morning the following morning. This was our final day and it was full of travelling. It didn't start well. The hotel we stay in has its own car park. You drive into a big lift. A bit like going into a car wash it tells you whether you need to go further forward, back or to stop. We got in fine, but for some reason the lift wouldn't accept us! Argh! We were trapped in a car park with no way out. After much faffing, technicians got in the lift with us and manually over rode it. Thank goodness. I had a terrible feeling of being trapped and never getting out!

The day was long and ever so hard for Pete. The weather was so awful with terrible visibility. I really felt for him. But despite the set backs we got to the Eurotunnel early. Yay! We could get on an early train... But then a train got stuck in the tunnel.. Boo..

We eventually got a train after having a little car party- A few cheeky small bottles of champagne later.. Well we have to make the most of our time! Pete then had another two hours of driving... I'm so grateful that he offered to take me by car in the first place but oh so pleased when we got home.

My day in the car you would think was pretty easy. It would have been had I not woken during the night with a fever. After the vaccination of dendritic cells in my arm, it swelled hugely and it gave off so much heat. Any reaction is brilliant in our eyes. Then during the night I felt hot, cold, achey and the soles of my feet were sore!? I put it down to the injections I had had. Again I wasn't upset because I want there to be a response but I felt blah all day in the car. I needed sleep and the pain to be gone. At the Eurotunnel I took pain relief and got into the back of the car and curled up for the rest of the journey home.

We had our last night together in our snug having French goats cheese and a glass of Bordeaux. I got tucked up in bed and had the best nights sleep!

Today I really could have done with getting things organised back here but it wasn't to be. I had to get up and get myself down to St George's hospital again. The next round of interleukin two injections were waiting for me.

This time I went down by train and I had a very chilled trip. I am now back home writing this and have a fridge full of organic produce. I am looking forward to starting each day with green juice, meditation, exercise and all my other rituals. 

We were sad to see mum go. We had such fun and times like that are priceless.

I miss my Bear already. He left for work and the gym at 5.45am and won't be back until later. 

I had a little moan about having to go all the way to Tooting today.. Pete reminded me I have one job and that's to get better. He says he doesn't always want to get up at 4.45am and go the gym then work but he does because he knows it's the right thing to do and he has to earn money for our life. Puts it in perspective.

 

Before I sign off, this lengthy blog Saturday my 3 friends, plus their friend and father set off and attempted to climb the Three Peaks in 24 hours. The whole time they were going we were watching our phones for updates and texting other friends to see if they had heard anything. After each peak my friends father drove them to the next peak whilst they tried to rest. They started at 5.30pm on the Saturday and climbed through the night. I was so scared for them. 

Well they did it with 45 minutes to spare! My Kitty's Climbers did it and we are bursting with pride. It was very emotional watching their video when they finished. 

Since then they have received lots more donations and when I last looked they were in the region of £4000! Their target was £2000. Such selflessness overwhelms me. One of my friends in particular had a real achievement as she did it with quite a few injuries after falling on her first peak. Bless her. They are all now on holiday and never want to see a mountain again!! Yeah yeah. Heard that before. Next stop amount Kilimanjaro... And maybe I'll join them!

If you would like to donate please click the link and leave a message. Thank you in advance!

http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/fundraiser-web/fundraiser/showFundraiserProfilePage.action?userUrl=SamanthaNicholson

I've attached a few pictures of our five days away... Hope you like them.x

I won't leave it so long next time. My forearms are aching from the typing. Haha.

Ciao and light and love. 

Xx

 

                                     
                                             Sampling the Champagne.... Clearly..

 

                                                

                                              A true German supporter through and through..

                                       

                                                                Car party. Standard.

                                                   

                                                    Oh Dear... The Queen and her Corgi!

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Two years and I'm still going strong!

by Claire3. July 2014 12:04

Today is the anniversary of the day we got told I had only two years to live, that the canSer had spread to my lungs and it was incurable...

Well here I am fitter, brighter, happier than ever.

My life has been enriched by the support of so many people and my love for life and everything in it grows every day.

My hubby gets ever more lovely and my heart grows daily.

I am so happy I have made it this far but want to strive for the miracle of being canSer free and to be here for many more years to come. 

For anyone that finds themselves in my position, don't believe everything you are told and find the strength in your gut to keep going.

We, Bear and I, will be here for you and together we can prove the doctors wrong.

Light and love everyone...

Today's another day to be grateful... Another entry for my gratitude jar. 

X

                                

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Triple Negative

Time to heal myself....

by Claire2. July 2014 13:06

Yesterday I cancelled my pranic healing appointment. I had to go to hospital but ever since I didn't go last week as I wasn't feeling up to it I have been undecided what to do. Last week because I didn't cancel 24 hours prior to the appointment I was asked to pay. Ok this seems fair as everyone is running a business and I know far too well about people cancelling last minute and I too have a cancellation policy. But I don't charge because I ask people to be flexible with me and because of my circumstances and also I give people allowances. It most often can't be helped and although I lose out on the money and I could really do with it I think it's best to keep those clients than to drive them away.

I felt really put out by being asked to pay and maybe because I was a little under par last week I responded when I was told. I asked if they want me to pay for not giving enough notice then is it ok that I am left sitting there waiting for my appointment whilst the therapist runs overtime or hasn't turned up? What's my time worth? And let's not forget the time he didn't turn up at all. I travel a good hour by car there then back for the appointment.

I am not sure whether I was testing them to see how they would respond. They said on that occasion they would overlook the charge. Hmmmm.

I have had a feeling of change about me and maybe now is the time not to have so many healing appointments and rely on other people to make me better. I think I should be healing myself. Work on my being. I decided that I would use an app I have and spent half hour yesterday listening to some hypnotherapy and visualised healing. 

I think it is all too easy to ask someone else to heal you, but we have the ability to work on ourselves and although it is hard sometimes it is really worth it. It's like meditation. It doesn't come naturally, but with practise it can be a really useful tool to relieve stress and to become more mindful.

I have been feeling quite anxious recently when I go for pranic healing. The journey there is on the M4. Not the nicest of motorways. Then there is the waiting and the worrying if the therapist will actually turn up or how late he will be. For me, I like planning my day and knowing what I can fit into it. Running late isn't acceptable to me. I understand sometimes but to have to accept it every time can be hard work for someone like me. It actually made me laugh last week when I was contacted only ten minutes after I was due for my appointment. The therapist has only ever been on time once in ten months. 

The way that I was feeling when travelling there and the anxiety it caused waiting completely takes away the purpose of the visit itself. Pete said it is a waste of my time and money and it has an adverse effect on me. He is right. I do have more appointments booked but I think I will really consider if it is for me any more. 

 

Sometimes it is better not to have every treatment available and take a step back to consider what's right for you intuitively.

 

 

 

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A wonderful surprise to start off the week...

by Claire30. June 2014 12:11

Last week was supposed to be a week of chilling out. Under orders from Pete who cleverly suggested that avoiding close contact with lots of clients would be beneficial straight after surgery. I felt initially like I should work as I felt well enough but then I actually felt rubbish all week. Typically. 

I couldn't put my finger on it. I felt incredibly teary, maybe from hormones. I ached where I hit my head and my arm/ vaccination site was causing me issues at night too. I started the interleukin two injections Wednesday, Thursday and Friday and as Prof D informed me I did feel quite fluey at night. This didn't help sleep either. I just felt pretty miserable and off beat. 

I kept myself busy instead of sitting around which wasn't what I was supposed to do but it meant I could get things done and visit people that I don't normally get a chance to. In that respect last week was great.

But then I visited Ray, the old man that we have taken care of for too many years! You might remember me mentioning him. He has moved to a lovely, care home where he will never be lonely, without food or a doctor near by should he need it. Peter has been brilliant in visiting him regularly and unsurprisingly Ray is unhappy with his new home. It would be too much to ask for him to be grateful or happy.

Trying to help Pete last Friday I offered to pop in to see him. Pete was maxed at work and I wanted to do something to help the load at least. Well, I skipped into the lovely residence only to be met by Rays locked door and told to bugger off! How nice. He didn't realise it was me but when he did he seemed really happy to see me. It felt good and I was pleased I had made him smile. But this lasted about ten seconds. He realised he had an audience and proceeded to moan, make up stories and slate me and Pete for about an hour. Now I know old people can be that way but I don't think is any excuse for that behaviour. Reluctantly I told him I had to leave when he was pointing his finger at me telling me people don't like me. What can you do eh? I left feeling violated as I had sat there trying not to comment or defend myself. I was red and flustered and poor Pete felt terrible when I told him.

I got home and had some more tears... It must be hormones! It was ok though because soon I had a big cuddle inbound from the Bear. The weekend was chilled as we visited Pete's sister and then yesterday did some gardening. I felt really happy and could feel the cloud lifting.

We have tried to work out what people like Ray are trying to teach us and why they are still in our life. We have come to the conclusion that you can't please everybody no matter what lengths you go to.Then I saw this article this morning;

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-6934/Are-We-Meant-to-Meet-the-People-We-Meet.html

 

Today I am back to work. I have four new clients and I will be working into the evening. I feel better in myself and I am looking forward to working.

I had a great start to the day when I opened my front door to find a bunch of beautiful flowers and a card from client. She said that after wallowing in self pity all weekend she thought of me and that inspired her to pick herself up and get on with things. I am glad I helped give her a kick up the bum. Sometimes it's ok to wallow but moving on and getting on with things is the way forward.

The interleukin 2 injections have left quite itchy raised lumps in the injection sites on my tummy. This is a good sign that the immunity is responding. I so hope that it is being reflected inside. My next ct scan is booked for the end of July, so I will find out then.

Right, off I go to get started on lots of pairs of eyebrows! 

Light and love!

X

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Triple Negative

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