Oh what a beautiful morning! Oh what a beautiful day… fa la la

What a beautiful day it has been! From the moment we awoke the sky has been blue and the air cold and crisp but the sun has had his hat on!

My mission now is to continue doing what I have been doing from the ten point plan but better. Spend more time trying to think and be positive. Who knew doing all this stuff took up so much time. Hilarious really. All most people wish for is to have more time to spend on themselves, only to do that means it gets in the way of doing other ‘stuff’. I can’t decide if its making me feel more stressed! I desperately want to read all these wonderful books that I have. They could change my mind set completely! I wish I could get a balance where I feel happy with what I am doing knowing I am doing enough. I often feel that once the day is complete that yes, today was a good day. But at the time I feel like a hamster in a wheel.

My sister in law said to me on Saturday that the more you do the more low you feel. I would have thought it would be the other way round. Having more time on my hands would give me more time to dwell and think. But I think she is right. The more I rush around filling my time helping myself going to appointments and making my life better and trying not to miss opportunities, I actually feel more withdrawn… By golly, this is quite annoying.

A client called me today to see how I am doing. She said that I have to believe everything I am doing is working until I’m told otherwise. She is right too. I keep trying to use my intution and know my body like I have done in the past and I can only feel well. I do admittedly feel achey from yoga yesterday and I am feeling a little tired although not lacking energy. I think that must be from doing so much in the recent weeks and also Pete is unwell so sleep for us both isn’t great. I really believe that I am getting better. It’s so hard not knowing what is happening inside of me. There’s is no knowing whether it’s working quickly or it has stayed the same. I guess the answer is not to think about it. Everyone else doesn’t sit wondering what is happening inside their bodies. They react once they get symptoms or illness.

I reckon I have got the physical stuff sorted for the moment although my search will never stop. It is the mind I am working on and with about 6 weeks til my next scan I am going to work on my mind. I already play with visualisations and affirmations and whilst meditating I think of golden light rushing into my body, every crevice and healing me whilst breathing out I breath black dark nasty stuff, the disease and negative thoughts.

My current book I’m reading, How your mind can heal your body, says that meditation actually heals the body- physically. Studies show that meditation had increased the prefrontal cortex of the brain- the area that controls concentration, free will and compassion. Thus, when you visualise healing your body,the first that occurs is that you actually change the microscopic structure of the brain. Mind changes matter! I feel like I have mentioned this before. Sorry if I am repeating myself. But it’s good stuff and I really have such high hopes when I think of that.

The rest of this week I have more time at home and amongst doing some chores that have really been nagging me, I am going to try to relax more and enjoy the now. I want to finish my book, update the website, add info to forums and remind myself of the good stuff I am doing to fix myself. Oo aswell as cooking pumpkin dishes as I have plenty of them! 🙂 Tis the season and all that.


The importance of the cat in meditation

A short snippet from my day…

Today started early with meditation. I think I’m starting to get it and I can actually sit for 20 minutes..I would be even better if my kitty cat didn’t love meditating too- on my lap whilst my legs are crossed- there is only one outcome- dead legs! Bless her I’m not compaining I simply can’t believe she sits on my lap! The importance of the cat in meditation.

I had acupuncture again today and Michael says that my pulse felt agitated and decided that my energy levels needed boosting and he worked my lung points to strengthen them. Following that I had yoga with Lyn. She decided she was going to make me work. ‘All with love’ as she says. Well I certainly felt it but I feel taller and more open. I don’t think I will be able to walk tomorrow though!

This afternoon I have been preparing for dinner but also making up soups with soya beans and avocado and preparing more tonics for the next couple of days. I think I’m going to get into cooking vegan dishes as long as they are simple and rustic! ha ha!

Tonight I’m looking forward to getting curled up with my One, Night all!

It’s not all about ‘me’ you know…..

After Friday with positive, even if a little crazy, feedback and then a great night with friends and family bopping to the Beatles, I was very much looking forward to mooching and getting things done and organised but mainly being with my Bear. We headed down to our boat to get it ready for winter and to get it all sorted as we are now going to sell it. Much to Pete’s sadness it has been decided that the money will be needed to pay for treatment for me, as who knows where we may need to go to next (if at all- ever the optimist).

What I had hoped to be a relaxing, calm time actually turned into a totally stressed out weekend. It’s funny because all the attention and concern is mainly focussed onto me, although people do ask and empathise with my nearest and dearest as they are going through such a terrible time also. The fear is still as vibrant and the worry of what may come is so obvious to them too.

Anyone that knows my Bear knows he is a rock; he is man that loves to care for others and is the best host ever! He is clever, thoughtful and amazes me on a daily basis with his knowledge, courage and strength (oh and he makes a mean cocktail too). What surprised me this weekend was that although we are having a lot of fun, positivity and hope, he became really grumpy and what our friend Adam (Pete’s work wife!) would call ‘passionate’ at everything and nothing. And when it all came to a head it turns out that he is really upset and although he doesn’t show it very often, for some reason this weekend he was ‘full’ and it overflowed.

It’s so hard for anyone who is related in any way, shape or form to a canSer survivor out there, but the biggest thing that any canSer survivor can learn from this situation is how much it affects those around you. I know it affects everyone because I see the support that comes to me in abundance.

I had an emtional call from a friend of ours who is travelling in the Far East at the moment and whilst she was lying on a mattress under a mosquito net in the darkness she just felt she wanted to call us..(that got me going.. again…) Every day my loved ones are trying to be strong and put on a brave face but sometimes they just feel tired, emotional and like their world is ending. CanSer affects so many people and I can’t decide if it would be worse to actually be the one to stand by and see your best friend and wife be ill, afraid and maybe die or actually be the survivor. (They are gonna have to take me kicking and screaming I can tell ya!)

I have started to feel selfish and that it’s all about ‘me’. Once upon a time I might have liked all the attention but what I am learning every day is how this is affecting everyone I know and actually my loved ones need the attention. It pains me to see my Bear so upset (Sssshhh! It’s our secret. He won’t want anyone knowing) But it passes. We snuffle, pick ourselves up and get on with life.

Sometimes it’s good to have moments of weakness. I just need to understand that he is not mad at me. He’s just feeling the pressure and the overwhelming sadness and fear. Blimey he wouldn’t be human otherwise.. come to think of it I have often wondered where this Super Bear has come from!

I now have a mental image of a big furry bear in a cape with underpants and an eyemask! smiley-foot-in-mouth.gif

The weekend ended wonderfully.. open fire, tasty food in Big Bear Snuffledom.

The table cloth and crockery have been packed away.. I’m not welcome yet.

I went to Milton Kenes today to Nilam Patel’s spa to see.. wait for it… a medium… I know, crazy, out there. I’m not sure why I went. i didn;t look for it or long for it- the opportunity arose and I took it.

I met Ann, a lovely lady- very down to earth. She didn’t know anything about me but boy, she was eerily correct about some stuff… like hurting my arm the night before, asking who Pete is and many more very accurate details. I’m not sure what, if anything, I wanted to know but she was very honest. She told me I’m very loved and that I’d be fine- that ‘they’ are not ready for me (She actually said the table cloth and crockery had been packed away and I think the words, ‘She’s not welcome yet’) She used symbolism and said she could rowing in a boat against the tide, then a period of relaxation. She doesn’t like to discuss death but promises that she would’ve told me if she saw it. She said I’m doing everything right. It did lift my spirits(pardon the pun) I’d be lying otherwise.

I raced home to meet my mum and Peter then we went to the Players Theatre in Thame. As mentioned a few weeks ago a good friend put together a gig with a Tribute Beatles band to rasie money for Sobell House Hospice and to raise awareness for Triple Negative Breast cancer. Being hoenst, I’m not a huge beatles fan (my mum however is, from having seen them twice when she was young) They were brilliant! The attention to detail was immense. The lads not only sounded and looked the same but actually changed the way they played guitar accroding to their character. Paul McCartney plays left handed. I hugely urge aynone to see these guys if possible. Here’s their website; http://www.meetthebeatles.co.uk/

A huge, enormous, massive Thank You to Sara Lepoore for makign it a memorable and happy occasion ( as well as spoiling us with gifts and meeting the band and for bringing Legs Larry Smith from the Bonzo Dog Doo Dah band!)

Had a late night but oh so worth it….

Find Travel Insurance: Mission Accepted

Well I started very positively contacting travel insurers today who apparently can insure my condition. I tried online to begin with but that was a complete waste of time. I went through a few companies picking through all my dirt. It’s a good thing I can remember everything, only to be told sorry ‘we cannot help you’. I even discussed with one company that I don’t even want to have travel cover for canSer yet they still said they wouldn’t cover me. I adjusted my criteria from annual worldwide including winter sports to single trips but still no luck. I thought, blimey I’m not that advanced and my health is currently really good what must it be like for other canSer survivors?

I started trawling through some forums and found one back dating to 2009. I contacted a firm mentioned on there as a ‘got nothing to lose’ kind of attitude and they couldn’t have been more efficient and kind! I said I didn’t want to be covered for the disease and they said that I had to call a number to be screened. This was after the lovely lady had told me the cost of the policy. I called the screening company called Tokio Marine Europe, who efficiently took me through the questions and was light hearted and positive. They even said that when my condition is classed as ‘stable’ to call back and let them know. I called back the insurance company and gave them the reference number and that was it.. oh and I even got cover for Pete for the year too both at such a reasonable price. Simple.. yet so hard with other companies.

I feel so amazing! It has really lifted my spirits. The company I used was Gill Noble/JD travel based in London. Their telephone number is: 0844 247 4749 The staff are lovely and will give you the number of Tokio Marine Finance when you call.

Before I went out this afternoon I have been cooking up Chinese herbs that Dr Kate James has given me. They don’t smell very nice but I am to cook them up and keep them in the fridge and they are to be drunk in the afternoons each day. As expected it doesn’t taste good but I am sure I will get used to it. The reason for using them is that they will strengthen, tonify and support my kidneys, liver, blood, spleen/digestive system and energy levels in general. I’m game for all of the those things please!

This afternoon I went and had reflexology. A good friend recommended a therapist, who as an aside specialises in treating women for fertility issues. Claire Winters is based near Witney and is really friendly, professional and calming. I totally trust her ability. I have not had a reflexology treatment since I was at college. I thought this may be nice to have as not only does it treat the body as a whole it also means I do not have to move about like having massage. Points in the feet reflect areas of the body. I couldn’t believe at how acurate she was with points and weaknesses. She could even point out sore muscles in my back and hips, that I had tight buttocks (that will be from all those squats on Davina McCalls DVD!), a sciatic nerve on my right side that has bothered me too. She even felt tiny, tiny crystals in my lung/bronchial region. Of course that made my heart sink a bit as I am desperate for there to be none there. She said generally she felt my physical being was in a great position for her to really heal me deeper next time. She does feel that I have a quite a block in my lower lymphatic so suggests I move more maybe hula hooping! I put that down to me not being able to trampoline recently because of my sore ankle. Honestly, Pete would have seen it all if he comes home to me hula hooping! ha ha!

Maybe the points that she felt could be signs that canSer is getting smaller or just scar tissue? No one can be sure from reflexology. I did get a feeling that she was healing me whilst she was treating. She worked with her eyes closed. Overall I think she is great and I cannot wait for my next appointment in 3 weeks time. She did warn me of having a ‘healing crisis’ which I am used to. After any treatment a person can feel any sort of emotion and physical reaction such as head aches, energised, sleepy, etc.. I am to remember how I feel for my next visit.

Came home to my hubby who I haven’t seen in a few days.. Ahh no place like home with a Bear.smiley-wink.gif


Travel Insurance for advanced canSer… Hmmmmm! I don’t want to be insured for canSer- just losing my luggage!

Been up since 5.30am. Had a great sleep but we let the kitty sleep with us as she has been so ultra cute, hence why we have been up since before dawn.

Been off to have my nails done today. They have actually gronw successfully ovber hte last few months and I don;t look a complete state any more. I’m so pleased at the speed at which they have recovered.

I’ve also driven down to Poole this afternoon to stay at my mums overnight. I hate staying apart from Pete but I do love to have some mummy time. Apparently she has got lots of vegetables in for me tonight! Ha ha! I’m down here to spend the day with my friend toomorrow who is a life and business coach who suggested working with me for a day. She uses certain techniques to release old emotions and move on amongst other things. I’ll know more tomorrow…..

Today I received an email to renew my travel insurance. I have been using a compnay who covers people with canSer but it seems that now I am classed as more advanced and terminally ill that company will no longer cover me. I don’t want insurance to cover canSer I want it incase I have my things stolen, have lost luggage, if I break something whilst skiing etc.. I have done a bit of research in the short time I had today and it seems Cancer Research and Macmillan feature quite a companies on their websites. Some are detailed as insuring for canSer which has cleared after three months  and so on. My issue is that I want annual multi trip insurance too which does seem it could be an impossiblity. I have to make some phone calls to find out so once I know I will put it all on the website. A discussion has been started on the forum on this website too so if anyone has any information that they would like to share please do let us know.

Mentioning the forum I would like to urge anyone to start and participate on the discussions. The key to this website is that we would like learn as much as possible in order to share it with others. I don;t have the answers but others may have been in the same position or know someone that has. All feedback is greatly appreciated. Our website not only helps others Triple Negative Breast Canser survivors but anyone with any kind of canSer and anyone that wants to make positive life changes and prevent canSer and any disease for that matter.

I’m hoping to have a skype meeting with Dr Kate James in a mo so best sign off. I’m looking forward to tomorrow although I feel it may be a tad emotional. Hankies at the ready!

Night Bear.. Missing you already. XX

A new fresh clear headed ‘me’ after having life coaching techniques

Had a great evening with my ‘ma’ and sister (well actually I dragged them round a supermarket looking for Halloween stuff! So rock and roll!)

I spent today with Emma Gibbs, a life and business coach and mentor. Usually when you think of life coach you think of work and goals and huge changes in your life. It would never have occured to me if it hadn’t been suggested, that a life coach could help me out.

Emma’s work surroundings are really intimate and relaxing and I felt at ease with her immediately. Like anything such as this, I normally feel a little bit silly especially when the words like hypnosis and visualisations are mentioned. But I cannot believe how quickly the time went. I spent most of it with my eyes closed and I was almost convinced it wouldn’t work for me but I do try to have an open mind. Through a process of exercises and techniques Emma worked with me to discover how I am really feeling and what is stopping me from ‘living’. We put my negative fears to the background and bought my happy fresh clear headed ‘me’ to the forefront. I had a few odd sensations but really enjoyed the whole experience.

For me the biggest problem is battling my heart over my head. I constantly feel overwhelmed with lots to do (I have no idea why?!) I feel that I should be doing more to battle the disease, more research, updating the website so that it is better than the mashed up state it got put together in July when things were really raw and since then we have found a lot out. I feel that I shouldn’t believe fully that what I am doing is right for my body just incase the worst case scenario happens at my next scan. I have been feeling worried and fearful about everything but mostly that if I don’t believe in myself then how can I ever combat the disease? And I still cannot believe that I have canSer especially when I feel so well. Then if we go deeper; that what if it does get worse -the fear of getting sick…

A lot goes on in my head on a daily basis and what I worry about (yet again) is missing out on this time in my life when every thing is hunky dory.

For some reason I find it hard to visualise clear images. I can only visualise colours. I used a lot of affirmations today which I have bought home with me to use on a daily basis. Affimrations that I feel are useful for me are; ‘I find it easy to discar negative thoughts and attitudes about myself’ and ‘ I feel a deep sense of inner calm’. I am going to add them to my mood board and I think a course of three weeks on the ‘positivity app’ could be due another go. I have decided to write a list that I can refer to, to remind myself of all the good that I am doing that direcly combats the canSer.

I really find it hard removing comments doctors have said, such as it being incurable and ‘time frames’. I can sometimes feel angry that they even told me that! I don’t know why things like that stick in my head. You know if someone told me unequivocally that the treatment I am having would definitely cure me I would believe it. The impossible is possible.

Well seeing as they won’t commit to saying stuff like that I will continue to fight my own battle. The mental battle is the hardest. I like living in my bubble with Pete and my friends and family. I don’t want it to burst with any more bad news but I guess I cannot know the future and have to live for today… I know all the theory and can advice others I just need to practice it more.

I feel lighter, brighter, more positive and look forward to working with Emma again soon. I would highly recommend working with a life coach for anything really as we all have inbalances and pressures. I would definately recommend it for canSer. You don’t need to be face to face at every appointment and it can all be done long distance if necessary.

Here’s Emma’s details if anyone would like to contact her: http://www.facebook.com/LifePracticeDorset

Back home and I’m all alone tonight as Pete and his team are at a corporate ‘do’. I plan on having a soothing bath with dead sea salts and rose otto and a yummy vegan tea. Hopefully the kitty will sit and fluff me later….

Busy doing nothing.. but still can’t get everything done!

Phew.. well we got home last night after 12 hours in the car! Who’s idea was that anyway? (not mine! ha ha!) We are both creatures of habit so as soon as we go home we unpacked and prepared for our week ahead. Kitty cat was very happy to see us and actually sat on my lap for a cuddle… (where’s my real cat gone?!) OUr bed felt amazing and I am sooooo happy to be home.

Today I got back to my usual routine although we decided to start with a glass of water with a teaspoon of Himalaya salt.. YUK! Pete isn’t sold…I’m yet to make my final decision.

This week is quite exciting.. again. I’ve had clients all afternoon and although I feel like I am running around chasing my tail wishing I could get more done (I know, I know, I am meant to be slowing down) I actually feel my most calm when I am doing treatments. It actually gets me to stop for a while. I think it’s the thought of what I should be doing and what I could be doing more of and then I get myself in a pickle. Why oh why can’t I just learn to manage my head?! I really believe it is the key to everything. It is the key to being calm, letting things flow, and most of all, healing myself.

Although I am feeling overwhelmed as usual, at least everything I am overwhelmed about is stuff that I am going to be doing is for my highest good. Things to look forward to; reflexology, getting my nails done, visiting mum, a day with a life coach, a session with a medium (Ok a bit out there but curiousity gets the better of me), a gig on friday night by my friend. But the one thing on my to do list for future weeks has got to be doing less!!!! but there are things I want to do; jobs round the house, work on my website, visit friends and chat to family, learn to cook vegan, drawing and so much reading… Sigh.

I think too much. Period. What isn’t done today will be there tomorrow and is it that important? No.

Right I’m going to sign off and get myself a cuppa and wait for my Bear to eat a really tasty vegan curry me thinks. If only I could cook! ha ha!

Thanks to all my lovely ladies today. It was so good to catch up and to sort your brows out. smiley-laughing.gif


It’s all sausage, meat, potatoes and huge desserts!

On our one day off from travelling and driving we have been sight seeing around Munich Bear styly.. As of no surprise to anyone that knows him- he had a plan!

From 10am he mapped a route of the most exciting and popular must see spots (aswell as personal ones). Our feet are killing us! We have walked for 6 hours- point two got a hammering.

To be honest I pooey this morning and so tried and achey. But I didn;t want to miss out and waste a good opportunity. Also the sun has been shining all day. I have just been informed we walked approximately 12 miles today! No wonder our feet hurt!

A highlight from todays tour was the English Garden with the Chinese Tower. Once again live oompa, steins and masses of locals. Such a great happy welcoming atmosphere.

Only one down side to being here is the food. It’s all sausage, meat, potatoes and huge desserts. The one and only time when I felt sad I wasnlt eating my old diet. That soon faded when Pete hunted down a very cool vegetarian restaurant called Prinz Myskin. OMG! So tasty- I’m such a happy girl.) OO and Jurgen Klinsman was on the table next to us)

I seriously cannot believe what a lucky girl I am. I have such a good man…

From the moment I awake with a soft kiss on my forehead, to a warm fluffy towel wrapped around me when I get out of the shower, to the thought and detail that goes into our whole days activities, to the arm that pulls me in and keeps me safe as I close my eyes at night….

He took me on  aroute to surprise me with a statue of the Angel of Peace. That’s something we could both do with. I’d love to wake up in the knowledge that life wasn;t so life and death..

No one said it was going to be easy.. well they didn’t have a Bear to share it with did they?smiley-innocent.gif X

Sally Sat Nag took us off the beaten track to Munich…

Sadly due to a headlight going we had to that replaced in our spare time so missed the Angel lady today- the mystery regarding the angels continues.. maybe it;s not time yet.

After my dendritic cell vaccination (this time 13 million cells- a good number I feel) we ujmped in our chariot on a long trip to Munich. We decided to investigate parts that we hadn’t ventured before.

Sally Sat Nav (or Nag as she’s known) decided to take us off the beaten track- whichh although beautiful was taking forever! We finally arrived in Munich by 8pm.

Rewinding back to treatment today- Cindy increased the temperature of the hyperthermia treatment up to 43.8 degrees. It;s no discomfort to me but as the ten point plan says canSer doesn’t like heat. Anything over 42 degrees and it sends into retreat.

Back to Munich- we are staying in a very funky hotel called the Coccon Stachus. It has an orange sphere hanging chair in the room!

Pete, being half German loes to get amongst it, so we set off on a little tour of the old town at 9pm at night!

Ho homes in on the Hofbrauhaus whihch is large 1000 plus seater beer keller which had traditional live music playing. We walked in and it was like going back in time. The staff were all wearing traditional dress, as too were the band who were playing oompa music, whilst the guests all drank huge 2 litre steins/jugs of different beers- one word- Hilarious! We squeezed onto a table with an old couple and swayed for a few hours whilst pete taught me German drinking songs!

Off to bed, I’m pooped. Prost!