Nothing is going to stop us from living even if there is something trying to stop us!

We arrived in Brussels at 11pm last night. It would have been earlier had the M25 not been shut! Never mind eh… Be mellow someone said 

We still managed to go for dinner and got to bed at 1.30am! That also would have been fine had we not got a hysterical phone call from Ray first thing morning at6am. Again  he isn’t feeling well. So the day started rather dramatically talking to nurses and finally them taking him into hospital. Poor Pete. He seems fine whenever we are at home but as soon as we leave he gets ill.  Its hilarious really because we both hope we don’t get that old and helpless  ( and selfish!) but then here we are faced with life being somewhat shortened! Ray is 89 and I’m 37… Big puff..

Anyway as usual nothing is going to stop us from living (even if it means there is always someone or something trying to stop us!)

After an hour of a Whistle -stop -sight-see of Brussels we made our way to Cologne where we decided to spend the weekend before heading onto Duderstadt for treatment on Monday. We were really looking forward to staying in Cologne because of the German Christmas markets.. Sadly they don’t open till the 27th November!That’s a bit late in the season I think! Bah humbug. Well we hit the food houses and had tasty food. I even had some of Pete’s Bratwurst (that Pete’s sausage in english! That sounds so wrong! Ha ha)  Then before heading back to the hotel we had a cheeky little Gluhwein. Who needs German markets ?

I need sleep so tomorrow I’m going to take it easy…. 🙂 x

Couldn’t sleep last night- I kept imagining my life in illustration!

Yesterday I had reflexology. I was really lookingn forward to it and hoping that the therapist, Claire would see significant positive changes in my feet. Ever hopeful for any little snippet, me! She said my feet felt great, which in health terms is good. She picked up some points that showed my digestive system was a bit sluggish and there were a few tender spots like my diaphram/solar plexus in my right foot. Now in reflexology  terms not only do your feet reflect points in your body like a map but the left and right side relate to the past and the present, for example. The tender area was on my past foot. The solar plexus is where we hold a lot of emotional tension but in my present foot it was fine. I see that as a break through. I have to admit that my emotional side and my head are my biggest battle. She didn’t pick up areas in my lungs and really felt that apart from a few areas that I’m feeling really good She did this ‘linking’ move that used energy and my pulse to release areas of tension. OMG! It was mad. I really felt like I was rocking and my heart beat was pulsing. Claire said that this was my autonomic nervous system, the one that controls fight or flight. Well there’s no surprise there then.

Overall I think Claire is an awesome therapist and I cannot wait for my next appointment. smiley-laughing.gif

Early yesterday I made a visit to the hospital to see my breast care nurse. She is lovely. As I have lost so much weight the prothesis I have been given is too big for me. Now I know ladies brast vary in size but this was ridiculous! I have shrunk but at least I am even…. Phew.

I’m not sure if it was the reflexology or the fact that I have been getting very excited about doing my little sketches on the ipad but last night I simply couldn’t sleep. It’s so unlike me! I didn’t get to sleep till about 2am.. Boo. I kept thinking of my life in illustration format and drawings i want to do next that depict scenes in our life. I’m mad, I am sure of it!

So I have packed for our next journey to Germany- treatment number 4. We go tonight to make a slow crossing to Duderstadt. I’ll try and keep up to date with the blog whilst I am away.

For now I hope you enjoy my sketches below.

Auf Weidersen!

Ha ha! Me feeling balanced?!

I had acupuncture today and although I thought I was feeling pretty good Michael said he thought my pulse seemed stressy but not for long.. as once he had finished he felt it was strong again.

I had a double appointment with him today as the second half of the session was on ‘focussing’. Once explained it seems that focussing is very similar to the techniques in the book I have just read called ‘The Journey’. Fundamentally focussing means you listen to how your body feels and not your head. I closed my eyes and Michael relaxed me by talking me down a bit like meditation. Then asks me if anything comes up, anything I want to pay attention to, any feelings, visions or anything. Things like this are really hard generally. Some poeple have lots bubbling inside and others don’t. For me I found it quite difficult probably because I am feeling quite balanced at the moment (Ha! That’s laughable with all the spontaneous tears but for me I’m feeling quite balanced! :)) Once really trusting myself I did start to feel things. Initally I felt like my heart and blood were rushing round my body, really loud in my ears and almost like my body was moving in time with it. Then I felt really excited, fit to burst! I don’t know why I couldn’t explain it but I had lots of colours and the picture of pegasus bursting right out of me with bright golden light! (I know, I am weird!) Then once that passed I felt like energy was moving downwards from my tummy to below my navel. I started to feel sadness, and teared up (no surprise there then!) Then moving on I felt tired and my legs and arms were having like I had been exercising. There a few moments of peace and calmness and I did feel better. It sounds like the feelings were very obvious but they weren’t- it was all very subtle. I don’t know if things like it work but I do understand that we create habits and personalities with things, that we say and do and trying to release ‘old’ emotions let’s us move on and become happy and free.

I really believe in that. I believe that my fear of public speaking and not wanting to do games or anything that will embarrass me comes from some hang up I must have created when I was younger. And it could be that it isn’t the fear of standing up in front of people and making a mistake or blushing but that it could be a fear of not being perfect and being criticised. The blushing thing happened once probably and because I associate it with public speaking or taking risks and being out of my ‘comfort zone’ I now blush every time I am in that situation. In fact the problem probably just lies with me not wanting to try that bit harder and that people aren’t being critical.. (Tell you what that fear is going to get a hammering later this month! Eek!) That’s just an example.

Now I am not one to ever say I had any traumas as a child, I always I say I had the best up bringing a girl could want. I have 4 brothers and 1 sister and you would think that would mean I got all the hand-me-downs but because of the age difference when we relocated when I was 11 years old it meant I was like an only child because all of my siblings had moved out. Bonus! Spoilt rotten. 🙂 But was it all hunky dory? Why is it then that I cannot get my dad out of my head? And why was it that the medium asked me twice if my father is in the spirit world? Oh crap.. what ‘stuff’ do I need to get rid off to release myself and change old thoughts and habits?

Anywho… I felt today was really good and a great skill to use regularly on each other- yes Pete -sorry your turn next!

I have finally received a reply from Professor Dalgliesh regarding the microwave treatment. After two months of having my scan, the radiologist has decided that ‘due to proximity of the lesions that the treatment would not be useful at this time’. I am of course not surprised. I had a feeling that now was not the time for it. But, I keep plugging with things that may help me long term. I think for now I will just focus on my plans over the next few weeks; Germany on Monday and Tuesday and then reiki the following week as well as acupuncture, reflexology and reading and self development. I plan to drink less alcohol as I am sure that cannot be doing me much good stripping me of my goodness (nutritionally not personally!)

I am willing this all so much that I don’t want to forget to enjoy myself. I have been feeling so much love and happiness I really don’t want my head to take over and ruin all the fun! The point of it is this; I am to focus on how I feel NOW. That is easy, I feel great. I am to focus on what I do each day is the best that I can do- Great I can answer that- I feel much calmer and less hard on myself. Infact I haven’t written a list of to-do’s in a few weeks! I must ignore what the next scan I have says to some degree because now is that matters. Keep it simple. My biggest rule in life. The only thing I need to drum into my head is to trust myself. I am doing everything right at the best of my ability.

I love to draw so here’s a little pic I did last night ‘The importance of a cat in meditation’… 🙂

Night! X

Happy Diwali!

Today started so positively. Well actually it started with me dragging myself out of bed. I really didn’t want to get up. I love my bed so much. Pete said to sleep in and that it would be good for me but that lasted all of about 5 minutes. I can’t sit still for five mintues plus my days are like black holes! So that was positive I guess too.. but then it continued even more positively..

During yoga, kitty joined me again (love her) and during the stretches I cried -again. What is it with doing yoga and crying? Only these were happy tears. I had an overwhelming happy feeling and some of my wonderful friends popped into my head. I feel so lucky and grateful to be blessed with such support. I honestly cannot believe that they are so kind. I know I should stop saying that, ‘ I can’t believe..’. As it can come across quite negative but I don’t know how else to word it. I am simply humbled.

One of our lovely friends sent us a message this morning wishing us a ‘Happy Diwali’. She explained that it seems it was made for us both. The meaning of Diwali is that it is a festival which celebrates good over evil, light over darkness and knowledge over ingnorance. She went onto say; To Hindus, darkness represents ignorance, and light is a metaphor for knowledge. Therefore, lighting a lamp symbolizes the destruction, through knowledge, of all negative forces- wickedness, violence, lust, anger, envy, greed, bigotry, fear, injustice, oppression and suffering. I love it..Love and light.. that’s us.

Another friend, when we were altogether the other week, tied red wool to each of our wrists. Red symbolises blood. The intention is to bind our group, symbolising the circle of friendship and the incredible bond we share. The string was divided and each friend received enough string to create a bracelet. The string represents the connection of my friends and we look  at our bracelet of red string they think of me and send positive energy my way. Brilliant! 🙂 The big ball of wool is carried around by my Bear and he continues to expand the group as he sees more friends. I love the thought of all of us wearing it and feel empowered to work harder and try harder and live happily forever!

Pete told me last night that a client he has known for many years, has been praying for me in his synagogue with all of his community (that’s hundreds of people!). I am so truly touched. Again ovewhelmed.

With so much positivity and fluffy happy feelings, it really made me want to do nice things to show people how much I love and appreciate them….So I got to thinking. (Clearly I can’t say.. walls have ears and all that!).. smiley-innocent.gif

 

I contacted Christy today- the lady who told me about her experience with dendritic cell therapy. She is doing reasonably well apart from having a scare. She had a terrible chest infection for months and thought the canSer had gone to her lungs. On having a CT scan it turns out she doesn’t have canSer in her lungs but pneumonia!… BUT.. the canSer has not progressed at all!! This is wonderful news and I am so very pleased for her.

She advised that the fact I feel great is a positive sign and it could take time to get under control, as that was what she was told. Well I have everything crossed that it is working quickly! ha ha!

 

On the menu tonight; soya bean and avocado soup with cubed roasted spicy potatoes with some greens maybe whilst watching Masterchef! Oo I can’t decide what to eat now.. too many choices of greens! smiley-undecided.gif

X

The signs are there I just need to believe in myself…

Awoke feeling tired wishing that I could stay in bed. And I could if I wanted to.. But that’s just not me. I didn’t rush my morning rituals but I really should eat a lot earlier than I do. Yoga was a real treat this morning as Kitty joined me. It was relief for her to be so cute as yesterday she was a bit under the weather with a dodgy eye. Bless her. But today she decided she would tuck herself under my armpit whilst I was lying doing some breathing… Thankyou!

I’m a little frustrated today as Prof Dalgliesh still hasn’t got back to me to confirm if I can have teh microwave treatment. After more than two months of him having my scans from August, he has said its been sent to a radiologist for their opinion but as yet no reply. I don’t massively feel uptight about it as I don’t feel any major urge to have the treatment (I think everything is working) but I do not want to rule anything out. It could be essential in combating this disease for me.

The weather isn’t as nice today so I am pleased I am not going anywhere. I have a good friend coming over this evening so for today I am going to be reading another new book. Pete can’t believe how much I am reading but when it’s this interesting and I really feel like things are unfolding and coming to me as I need them.

I really would like this website and my blog to more well known. I think if I can obtain more interest and exposure then I gain more knowledge from others and share with mine and hoepfully together we can find a solution to this canSer. I don’t think there is just one thing but what I have noticed on forums is that you don’t hear from very many people that have recovered fully. It’s normally poeple looking for answers. I can tell you when I have the result I want then I will be shouting it from the roof tops. I don’t simply want to raise money for canSer research I don’t believe that is the answer. I believe that many things within the ten point plan are the answer and that is in us. But still I think I could help people recover. I think I would prefer to help individuals intially survive than to plough money into research that really takes so long for the money to be used and have an affect.  I want to make the positive changes on someones life. I now know that you cannot be cured of something without wanting to be cured and changing your ways. And the chances are always positive ones..so it’s a win win situation.

I also cannot believe that only a week ago I was feeling awful with a cold and now there are no signs of it.. not even a sniffle or a cough.. now is that the power of the mind or the body? I know for sure that yesterday I should have had a hangover but I told myself that I was going to feel fine. Ok I was a bit like Bambi for an hour but after that no one would have known… Woop! The signs are there I just need to believe in myself….

Right time to go and talk to myself..! Ha ha!

Flowing like a river with a butler Bear looking after me!

This weekend has been beautiful. Beautiful weather- blue skies, cold air and all the trees looking colourful. But despite the lovely weather conditions I could have been out walking I decided that I was going to make the most of my time to snuffle up to the big Bear in front of the TV. I love Autumn. It means lots of rugby. Now don’t get me confused as a sports fan. It’s purely a spectator sport! Ha ha! (Big boys and their legs!) As well that there has been so many reality tv shows on that ‘One’ must watch and catch up on. And then there was Remembrance Sunday.

We watch it every year either on TV or at a ceremony somewhere. And every year I feel so humbled and so very proud. We as a nation -rock! We wouldn’t  be here if all those amazing people hadn’t given their lives so freely. Tears, heart warming and shoulders- back proud! Thank you!

I am noticing the more I get on with living the less I worry about myself. I have to admit that bodily aches and twinges do get me reeling and worrying but only for a short time. With the Louise Hay book I have read I am really believing that anything is possible and that the route of my illness is a combination of so many factors. I have addressed the toxicity of my lifestyle and diet and now I am working on the toxicity of my personality and past. I didn’t think I had any issues or past regrets but maybe I do.

On Saturday when I was doing my spot of yoga a really odd thing happened. Thoughts popped into my head about my life and I started crying. Not a sad cry, just a ‘releasing’ cry. It was so cathartic. And as the day wore on thoughts kept going round and I did a little EFT on myself to see if I could get to the route of it. I felt better but all day a point in my chest hurt. Now me being me thinks, ‘OMG is this anything to do with canSer?’ But when I rubbed it I realised it was the ‘sore spot’ that is used in EFT. The ‘sore spot’ is close to the lung meridien in Chinese medicine which is associated with ‘letting go’ I have since found out. I find that so enlightening. The pain wouldn’t subside for ages, well, until we went to our friends and we had a proper little giggle.

Was craving eggs, bacon and bread today.. so I did it. I had some. It was lush! I don’t want any more but I really enjoyed. Once upon a time, not long ago, I would have felt guilty about not eating everything correctly, and having pver done it with alcohol (two weekends on the trot) and not exercising enough or doing the correct sort of exercise and not getting enough done..BUT I don’t feel like that any more. I am flowing like a river and i realise that I am doing the best I can do and the decisions I make are the right ones for this moment in time.

The best decision I made this weekend was tucking myself up on the sofa with the fire going and a ‘Butler’ Bear bringing me food and drink! The best home made stews and soups all weekend. Mmmm.

Another CanSer Survivors ‘Crazy Cancer World’…

Had my trip to Farnham for acupuncture followed by yoga with a little bit of healing thrown in too today. Acupuncture was good.. I had a needle put between my eye brows.. felt really bizarre and I bet I looked funny! Michael says today that my energy is feeling pretty good which is a change from my normal stressy pulse he usually takes. He has been working some lung points again as I have had this wretched cold this week, but I have to say I don’t even feel like I have had one at all! I feel really good about it. I actually feel much more calm than normal but lets face it my feelings can be so up and down every day it’s hard to know what has been the norm for me. Anyway, who cares about that except that right now I am feeling pretty settled in myself. I am regularly talking to myself and affirming, which is helping, and reading uplifting inspiring books, as well having lots of fun things to look forward to.

Yoga was great fun and I really feel taller. At one pont we sat opposite each other, Lyn and I, with our foreheads touching, chanting and clearing our chakras! Brilliant and weird how we both felt like one. Such a lovely lady.. I always want to give her a hug. Her voice gives me goose bumps when she is relaxing me or preparing me. She held my face today and said how beautiful I am.. Awww so nice.

A lovely lady contacted me via Facebook who also has breast canSer yesterday. She also does a blog and it was really interesting reading her journey so far. Hers started in July and she is just starting chemo and the whole hair loss thing. I have emailed her to lend an ear and any advice I can offer. She is upbeat and positive and calls it her ‘Crazy Cancer World’. I couldn’t agree more. Crazy….Hopefully I can guide her and give her a better chance of a full recovery.

It’s funny how things can improve and because they are so subtle I almost forget to notice. My fingers and toes have now regained full feeling in them. I think it has been like it for a week or so but I hadn’t noticed till earlier this week and didn’t want to jinx it incase it is was a brief fluke. I’m well chuffed and have decided not to focus on it so as to direct my positive thoughts on something else. I’m not sure why it has returned whether it be the bodys’ natural healing or because of supplements or treatment or what.. I like to believe it has healed because of everything I am doing.

Tonight I’m having a night on the sofa with the kitty. She has been ultra cute today. This morning she did meditation with me, then followed me into my treatment room where I have the airnergy and heat treatment. She decided she would sit nose to nose with me throughout and even stayed there whilst I was out. Then much to my surprise she even sat on my lap this evening. Who is this kitty? I can’t believe it.. It’s everything I have wanted..Wonder why the change in her? Or is it the change in me she likes so now graces me with her presence? Either way I am very happy for the little moments of love I get and I am grateful.  (It’s hard having a less than loving kitty especially when the Bear comes home from friends who have a 12 week old puppy…. Oh dear poor ol’ kitty can’t compete against that- Pete’s smitten but not with a kitten. :))

Night Y’all. X

The Importance of Nurturing Friendships

Another day and the cold and cough has now gone.. Rock on!

I had another day full of love and loveliness. This is what it feels to be a lady what lunches! My friend came over with her son and we had a good ol’ catch up over a vegan lunch a la Clara. It’s amazing how much we share and even embarking on the last 4 months I am surprised as to how much I can help others (iwthout canSer) with the bits and bobs I have discovered  along the way such as the positivity app I use available on the iphone.

The greatness of friends and loving support is overwhelming and once upon a time the only people I thought I needed (and actually really wanted to spend time with) was Pete and my mum. I think before, everything seemed such a huge effort, having to make time. I cannot believe how negative and short sighted that is…

Pete has such great relationships and really nurtures them and does it without any effort or discussion. I know this because as he was leaving this morning the phone rang; it was his best friend. It’s so sweet that they call eachother first thing in the day, on the way to work- every day. They both rely on eachother so much and are the voice of reason and lend an ear on all sorts of matters. I think it’s brilliant and just shows how much support friends really are. We are so lucky to both have that.

I notice with life that things change all the time and friends have come and gone. Sometimes I think that it is just meant to be but now I realise that the Universe has a plan and what we may not want to happen could actually be for our highest good.

 

I have just returned from the shops for more organic veg. Two things to discuss; yesterday Ceri, my nutritionist friend said that even though the supermarkets sell organic does not necessary mean its that good, especially if it’s been imported from abroad and has suggested using companies locally who deliver to the door such as Able and Cole and also to find local farmers markets. I know it’s extra effort but I’m quite keen on supporting the UK and smaller independent shops and businesses and being ultimately healthy. I’m going to book my first box tomorrow.

The second thing to discuss is that I am pretty sure everyone must think I am mad as I have been affirming to myself all the way home! ‘I am healthy and happy’, ‘ My body is healing and healthy’, ‘I am canSer free’ and so on. Saying positive things is much more uplifiting than saying negative ones and the evidence shows that speaking positively increases the mood and the body responds to it..who cares if people think I am crazy. smiley-tongue-out.gif

Another two new books arrived today, Louise Hays, ‘ You can heal you body’ and ‘You can heal your life’. More reading.. but I love it!

Oh just one last thing, I had a gentle reminder that Christmas is only 7 weeks away… It’s bizarre, it doesn’t feel like it and boy, this year has been swallowed up… I’m not ready for Santa yet!  Although, I know what I want for Christmas……

Mammoth Catch Up..

Today has been fun!

Last night Pete and I collected our friends from the train station and then embarked on a mammoth catching up session. Amazing how quickly time can go and but also how comfortable it feels to chat to friends we haven’t seen for over a year! I cannot believe goes that quickly.So much has happened and I almost feel that the my memory can’t recollect that far back. Even the last four months are a blur. So much has happened, been said and the thoughts and changes made have been huge!

We didn’t get to bed til about 1.30am (way past my bed time on a school night!) Then we casually all got this morning (Pete went at the crack of dawn as usual to work) and chatted around the kitchen table.

One of my friends is a naturopath and is going to give me advice on my supplements. What she doesn’t know about food, lifestyle and supplements isn’t worth knowing! Let’s face it everyone would want to eat better but it’s the not knowing what is best for us that’s the problem… That’s where Ceri comes in. She looks great and is a good advert for herself!

Lucy has the dirtiest laugh ever and it was great reminiscing where we all met, in Ibiiza four years ago. Oh how I’ve missed them.

I took them to a local pub for some tasty hearty autumnal grub then dropped them off at the train station.

My cold isn’t giving me much in the way of grief anymore but I am still inhaling good ol’ Olbas Oil to clear away what may be lingering.

Pete has been following a lovely lady on Facebook who has breast cancer and lives in New Zealand. All her posts are positive but it seems that she doens’ seem to have much option other than chemo at present. I decided to contact her to see if we can help eachother. I hope she replies….

I am loving this season, the days are bright and crisp and I really think I ought to spend more time outside although I can’t seem to think of any reason to go out there! It’s been ages since pete and I did any long walks mainly due to other things keeping us busy but also the weather.. note to self. get my walking boots at the next given opportunity.

I’m looking forward to a snuffly night with Pete, eating butternut squash curry stew or soup I haven’t decided yet and watching Masterchef!

We decided this morning that maybe we are booking too many social events which is always difficult when we apporach Christmas but I am really going to try and take on board what I have been told, ‘not to over do it’.

I’m looking forward to tomorrow another time for ‘ladies what lunch’. Naughty but nice. smiley-kiss.gif

 

X

The Journey….

Another day at home…. Love it.

Last night before I went to sleep I told myself that by morning my cold and cough would be gone. Well I awoke and it had dramatically improved. To be honest I have hardly coughed and blown my nose all day! The power of the mind again. smiley-smile.gif

This afternoon I have been reading The Journey by Brandon Bays. What an amzing story. She had a tumour which she was told had to be operated on but decided that the answer to healing herself was within her and opted to not have surgery. It is about her emotional journey into realising that releasing the emotions on a cellular level were holding her healing back and what created her tumour in the first place. She healed herself and the tumour went! I know it sounds crazy! But oh my, so interesting.

I have also been practising EFT on myself today and I really like it and think it really helps. As adults we lose ourselves through so many layers of ‘stuff’. Being open and honest with how our body feels and not our heads makes me really realise what is going on in there. The biggest thing is to trust your own instincts.

At the end of the book, The Journey, are tools to go through the process in releasing and finding out what’s really been harbouring inside to create the disease or upset.

Today I have also booked to visit a reiki healer that was recommend to Pete by his good friend Louisa. I had been holding back a bit as i wsan;t sure if it was right for me and also logistically, as the healer is in Essex and I would need three days initially to see him. But I decided over the last few days it is something I would really to try and I don’t want to go to anyone else. So I thought it was a good idea to tie it in with seeing my dad who lives in that neck of the woods.

So for the first time in 4 months I called my dad. The same thing happens every time we speak. We talk as if we only spoke yesterday. He seems fine and I am always as upbeat and positive as usual. It will be good to see him at the end of the month.. maybe other thingsa will unfold as I feel I have an emotional block when it comes to him. Not sure what I am going to do with all my time there but I hope it will be really enlightening. Excited….

This evening we have two girlfriends coming to stay and tomorrow they are spending the day with me. It has been over a year since we have seen eachother so Pete and and I really looknig forward to a night of giggles. Not sure what time they are arriving so I had better go and get ready for them.