Sawasdee Ka from Bangkok

The last couple of days have been a blur. Boxing day was as good as Christmas day and every day got all the more exciting as the numbers on my Facebook page increased. Thursday was a day of organising as we packed to go to Thailand. It’s a long overdue holiday seeing as we booked it for October 2011. However the floods in Bangkok meant we couldn’t get there. I booked this holiday back in June when I thought by the end of the year I will be well shot of canSer and all the treatments, I will be feeling good I thought. How bizarre life is! It is in fact the perfect time to go away still. More determined than ever this trip couldn’t have come at a better time. I have no idea what is going to happen in the new year and what a perfect way to end this one and see in 2013.

I have to admit that I still think that 2012 has been one of the worst yet most wonderful years of my life. Ours lives- both bear and I.Β I won’t go into that now as I feel I will save that chat for the last day of the year so that I can reflect on it all.

 

We have left mum house sitting well actually kitty sitting. So I feel really happy knowing everything is good at home. We also know Ray is safe in hospital and is not going to be discharged whilst we away. Again another relief and load off for us especially Pete. He does worry. He has the world on his shoulders. I’m not sure if that will ever change. Even if/ when I’m cured of canSer I will still be his first and last concern. Bless him.

 

I have to admit I have been praying a lot more recently and its hard to know if it’s working especially as I like things very black and white. Of course the results I longed for didn’t happen and I did pray, plead, and beg for them to be amazing! But these things have a way of sorting themselves out. Most times what we think we want isn’t really what we need to happen to make things ok. We just think we know what we want. For me I want to be canSer free. 100% totally canSer free. For me nothing but that is acceptable! But I have had a few people say but surely if it stops growing and never grows again then that’s a result! I know they are right but I really think that life would be better for me, knowing its cured. But will it? Will the worry ever fully go whatever the outcome?

 

Off to the airport and everything was going swimmingly. I prayed (bizarrely enough) that the flight wouldn’t be delayed, that we’d be seated nicely near nice people (or not near anyone!) the flight time was scheduled to be 11 hours 25minutes. We slept for more than half of the journey (never heard of!), the people who were seated next to us moved to some other seats so we didn’t have any neighbours and the flight arrived in Bangkok an hour early!! Going by those signs I’d say praying may be working!

 

Another example of my praying-I was driving home from Stan the reiki man in Essex a few weeks ago and I prayed that I would be safe, no accidents, breaking down etc. I was being very careful in the horrendous weather leaving ample space and a white van hopped infront of me. No matter, I slowed and left a big gap. All of a sudden the white van man slammed on his brakes to a stand still- I did too but knew I was only just going to make it without crashing- knowing this I was screaming to myself in my car thinking I was going to be hit by the car behind me. Luckily I wasn’t but heard an almighty crash- the car behind me was hit. Now that’s a close call and one I was thanking him upstairs for all the way home!

 

So I was getting excited about the holiday but quite frankly it was nowhere near as exciting as the influx of followers and support from everyone on that day! We slammed it! I wished for a 1000 followers on Facebook by the end of New Years Eve. Having started this campaign Friday before Christmas by seven days later it was smashed. I truly and honestly cannot express the feelings knowing I have so many people willing me and thinking about me!! The biggest thank you to everyone from the bottom of my heart. And it goes on- the Facebook page insights says that my page reached more than 15000 people! That is incredible. Of course I don’t want it to stop there. Now I will be working on ways of spreading the word, spreading the love and gaining info so that hopefully we can save lives. And it won’t be me doing it- it will be each and every person who has supported me who will be responsible. Its team work! I couldn’t do it without everyone’s love and support. So I’m going to be getting my thinking cap on and will be letting everyone know soon my thoughts.

 

So we are now in Bangkok and after having watched the movie, Hangover 2 (and not just for Bradley Cooper!) before we arrived, we are living and breathing the whole experience. So far we have done lots of eating thai food (mmm), far too much walking and loads of sightseeing and spreading the light n’ love with the Buddhist monks at temples.

 

Yesterday was my last day of chemo tablets until my next cycle in about two weeks. Phew and double phew for not having side effects yet…. πŸ™‚

 

Sadly last night I simply couldn’t sleep but not with worry bout all the nasty stuff but in excitement for what can be done for Triple Negative.. I know can you believe it? I simply cannot switch off. However some stinking great ideas were popping up. I’ll let you into my head another time but for now I’ll say, Β ‘La korn’. Im off for dinner on the top of a 61 floor building. A different kind of al fresco dining. Tonight was not the night to experiment with my hair! πŸ™‚

Ill

Christmas jumpers, snowballs and turkey..

Christmas Day!!!! What a wonderful day it has been. So full of love and pressies! We visited ray this morning at the hospital and took him a few gifts and mince pies. He seemed happy to see us all (despite moaning a bit about the nursing staff!) The day has really been so amazing. I am very happy and it’s actually been the little things that have pleased me the most. I have received many hearts, candles and buddhas as gifts.

Today I decided to eat turkey! Yep, I came away from the vegan diet as I simply couldn’t resist. It was well worth it! Pete’s cooking is the best.

We watched tv and heard lots of carols and hymns and one of them being ‘In the bleak mid winter’. My mum promptly cried as we remembered me singing solo in a primary school nativity play. I was the little poor girl. Not sure how that goes with the birth of Jesus, yet I was there in my raggedy dress singing all on my own. Never again would I do that. I absolutely hate public speaking or anything that puts me on stage in the limelight. Maybe it was that what caused me to have such a fear! Anyway, it was good remembering and singing along yesterday.

The Queens speech was good and we really have had a momumentus year in so many ways as a nation. IΒ  have never felt so proud to be British. It’s so weird how this year has been so successful yet has been the biggest year for change in my whole life. The best and possibly the worst year, depending on how you look at it. I always think of myself as the Phoenix. Never arising as the same bird. I have changed from the old person I used to be to this newer (improved) version. Well that’s what I like to think. πŸ™‚

Good ol Christmas tv had us watching some dodgy programmes as well as Call the Midwife, classic drama. We were all surprised to enjoy and I really didn’t expect it to hit such a nerve with me. Maybe I had one too many fizzy drinks but for one moment I felt incredibly sad that I won’t be able to have my own little bundle of love, at that if I listened to the doctors, I am technically on my last few years of life. That passed pretty quickly as I thought, ‘rubbish’ and shook it off. Still life is so uncertain and even though noone knows what is going to happen from day to day at least you can plan as if you will still be here. I can’t go getting pregnant. It wouldn’t be right (even if I could fall pregnant- which is highly unlikely.) With that in mind, my heart goes out to the mother and two children in the M6 car crash this morning. So sad.

I’m not sure if it’s the Naltrexone I have been taking but I really haven’t been worrying about the canSer quite so much recently. I can’t put my finger on it. I just don’t feel like that at the moment. May this feeling stay with me.

Anyway let’s leave those sober thoughts behind and be merry and have fun. We are all wearing our Christmas jumpers and I’m off for another snowball! Hic!

 

German Christmas.. I love an extra day of pressies. :)

Christmas Eve is the most important day of Christmas as this is when they celebrate.. So with Pete being half German today is a good day!!My mum arrived today with lots of luggage and pressies.. and we spent our day painting our nails as the Bear prepared for the big English Chrirtmas day.

I love the German heritage. For us, we sing carols, open a few pressies as well eat hot dogs with homemade potato salad just like his mum used to make! (of course I had tofu dogs! MMMM :/)

Today there has been a huge increase of support on Facebook. I am truly touched and the comments made, are wonderful. The messages from friends far away and friends who haven’t been in our lives for many years really makes me well up. But you know what, I receive messages telling me how inspirational and brave and so on, but the real inspirational and brave person is my Bear. My husband Pete created the website, he started the blog, he loves me like no other everyday and makes me feel like I’m the only one every day. He cooks like a masterchef, he warms and loves me like a big furry bear and he thinks about everyone before himself. He is the true inspiration. He is the one who gives me confidence and the drive to keep on going and he makes me believe I can do anything, including be cured of a terminal disease. I have to keep going and I have to keep having fun because life is better when we do things, for not just ourselves, but the ones we love and the ones we haven’t yet met but love you the same.

Today I am eternally grateful for still being well; (plus for the presents I got! Whoop- bring on tomorrow!) but most of all I am grateful to every single person that supports me, and to those who support my Bear. He deserves it more than anyone.. He’s my One.

Off to bed early.. Santas on his way! πŸ™‚ Night!

‘Shopping’ with his work wife… :)

The weekend has flown past and I have been ever the bit Christmassy! I have done the food shopping, collected the turkey, cleaned the house, wrapped the last few pressies and collected my hubby after having his ‘shopping’ day in Oxford with his work wife, Adam! It’s an annual event that they have and come back pretty sloshed with big smiles on their faces with very few and sometimes no presents! Well at least they are happy! πŸ™‚

It has been exciting all weekend receiving so many supportive messages and seeing the number of followers rise on my facebook page; www.facebook.com/TripleNegativeBreastCancer (If you haven’t followed me yet please do! :)) I was about to say, I cannot believe how wonderful and kind everyone is being asking their friends to get their friends to follow me on Facebook. But I can believe it. I see the strength in numbers all the time and how people are truly so thoughtful when they want to be. I think the biggest thing about social media and this blog is how surprised I am at how many people are actually interested in what is happening in my life. It’s mind boggling but so very comforting knowing I am not alone. I just hope that it helps others that may be going through it too.

Today we have been to see Ray in hospital. Bless him. He so wanted to be with us on Christmas Day but has to stay there now. The up side is he looks much better so it’s worth staying in hospital in that case. Although he doesn’t seem to agree!

This afternoon has been spent watching Christmassy tv and having visits from my step son. All in all a great build up to the few big days ahead. And all the while I can’t help but keep looking at my facebook page as it gradually climbs! EEK!

I am so very touched to think that even while people are on holiday they are still thinking of Pete and I. Our good friend, Sam is travelling in South East Asia and has sent me so many ‘hearts’ pictures showing her support and we get little messages in the middle of the night (and the odd drunken phone call!) telling us that she is thinking about us and loves us. That is so surprising- you’d think we would be the farthest from her mind whilst she is having such a great time but no. It just makes me more determined come out the other side. I love her and all my friends.. Both Bear and I couldn’t do it without them.

On that note… I’m going to bed… Christmas Eve tomorrow!

My Christmas Wish is to have 1000 followers on Facebook…. 417 so far! Wow!!

Today started off as any normal day for me. The usual meditation, yoga, exercise, juicing, heat and air but my mind was buzzing and I was so excited! Excited at the thought of really getting more followers and readers of my blog and website. I contacted Nilam patel who is the co founder of HD brows. I am a qualified HD brows stylist and have known Nilam since she taught me over a year and half ago now. We have stayed in contact and I text from time to time. This morning I dropped her a line to see how she is and also to ask for her help. Then I got a call from Lara, who works in Marketing for the whole company, asked by Nilam, and we started chatting. Lara is a canSer survivor and has had canSer within the family too so this is something that is still very close to her heart. Her canSer has gone into remission, which I am thrilled for her. They have offered to help raise awareness in many ways but firstly by increasing the followers on facebook.

It is my Christmas wish to have a 1000 followers by New Years Eve. I started this morning at around 130.. so far it is already 417!! I watched the numbers raise so quickly this morning. Everyone I know and know of have been promoting it as well HD brows. I hope I reach it! I have been so excited all day!!

As mentioned yesterday, starting a charity may be a tall order initially so I have decided to help the Cancer Vaccine Institute. I called Prof Dalgliesh this morning but as I would expect he was with patients. I have emailed too and hope to hear back from him. I would think he will be very keen.

Going back to HD brows they have overwhelmed me by their support. They are thinking about helping raise funds by possibly donating a percentage of sales of some of their retail products or even doing a ‘Browathon’! I love that.. They have also featured me in their newsletter that goes out by email. I will post it on here when I get it.

The 3rd March 2013 is Triple Negative Day so I will be getting my thinking cap on and working towards that date to raise awareness and funds to good causes and people. I may see if we can raise funds to send people to Germany to have treatment too. With the help of friends I think this could be great! I’m so chuffed, I’m like a child. That added to Christmas.. Arghhh!! Love it!

My friend Lisa has lots of ideas and is going to contact photographers, pr people and all sorts. She asked if I minded being an ambassador for Triple Negative.. NO! (As long as I don’t have to speak in public. Pete will have to do that I’m a scaredy cat. :))

Other than that I have been getting ready for my holiday next week. I have been told not to pack much as we can buy plenty in Thailand… I am failing that. Ha ha!

Can’t wait for the Bear to come home tonight. Last day at work for him so hopefully he will be happy (stressed but happy)

I’ve been reading my new followers posts and I really am so touched by everyones support. Thank you!! Please go to the Visitors tab, then click on the View Guestbook link and add a little message. Let me know what you think of the blog and website. I love getting feedback.

Lots of love today.. I even found a heart in the bottom of my mug of reishi muhsroom drink.. Love everywhere.. I feel it in my fingersss. I feel it in my toeessss. Ha ha!

Sigh.. ……(That’s a happy sigh)

Round Road Trip to see Stan the Reiki Man!

Today I went a bit of a road round trip. I got Sally Sat Nag ready and off we went… to acupuncture in Farnham then reiki in Essex. I know it sounds like a long way but really an hour and hal here and there is so doable. Plus I like the practitioners so I’m prepared to travel. Let’s face it going to Germany has topped all of them so far!

As usual reiki with Stan was eventful. I had so many colours in my mind and the thoughts were flashing in and out. When he lays on hands there is such a strong pulsating feeling as well as colours pulsing in my mind. Now there has to be something positive happening?!

I’m still waiting to hear from Prof Dalgliesh but the discs I sent with my scans on should definitely arrived and I am keen to get full reports on them before my next Germany trip.

Whilst having my heat and air treatment this mornring I had a flash of inspiration. I really want to gain awareness of my blog and website to offer help to anyone with canSer, those who want to prevent canSer and to anyone with triple negative breast canSer. Of course it’s to help others but also to help me.. there is a cure out there I just know it! I decided that I wanted to get as many followers on my facebook page in the first instance and then I want to increase traffic to my website so that the forums are used, guestbook has supporters comments and feedback on the site and long term to raise money. Now as far as I am aware starting a charity is’t as easy as it seems so in the interest of raising funds I think it should be for something close to me. Therefore I am thinking of supporting the Cancer Vaccine Institute. This is run by our very own Professor Angus Dalgliesh. I am going to ask him if he would mind (I’m sure he won’t) and I am thinking that raising funds to send people to have the treatment could be something to work on too.

Pete has already told Gus that his business would like to support his chairty so this could be really exciting. Here’s the charity web address to check it out go to; www.cancervaccine.org.uk

My first contact to help me in my quest for more followers on facebook was to ask good friends and one of whom has a background in marketing. Everyone seems excited so tomorrow we are going to crack on and see where we get. It’s going to be a challenge as I only have 139 followers at present. I was thinking of a 1000 by the end of 2012!

On that thought it’s off to bed…. Excited!!!

So I have booked flights, hire car and hotel all ready for it….

My second day of working and I love it -again! I really cannot wait to have more time to work. It sounds mad doesn’t it? Most people are normally saying they can’t wait til they don’t have to work so much but for me I have worked so hard being self employed and building my clientele that it was a hard decision when I decided that I had to stop working- firstly because of the chemo and the reduced immunity it causes; so working up close and personal with people wasn’t ideal. But now I spend so much of my time trying to stay well – I love it- don’t get me wrong but I miss the feeling of pride when clients love the results of the treatments I offer. Gives me money, obviously, and also a feeling of purpose. One day, I’ll be back full time. Anyway I have now ‘broken up’ for Christmas! Ha ha!

I have had confirmation of the appointments for our next trip to Germany. So I have booked flights, hire car and hotel all ready for it. Efficient.. that’s what I am!

Since I have been taking the chemo drugs I have to eat at least 30 minutes before taking them so I have now found my perfect breakfast. Quinoa with warm almond milk or hot water with chopped hazelnuts and cinnamon sprinkled on top. It reminds me a bit of mums rice pudding.. mmmm. Great way to start the day, hugely alkaline and quinoa is the only food with all of the essential amino acids in proper and adequate amounts and proportions for utilisation by the human body! So even more perfect- if that’s possible. That’s my tip for day.

I want to thank all my lovely ladies for the kind words, cards and prezzies I have received! I can’t wait for Christmas day. smiley-wink.gif

Bear isn’t home til later this evening so I’m going to detox in an epsom salt bath and have sweet potato curry for dinner. (I talk about food a lot don’t I? A proper little German girl- Pete says smiley-laughing.gif)

 

Miracles happen every day. I go within to dissolve the pattern that created this….

Today has been a lovely day. I have been doing clients eyebrows all day. I love my job. I thought I would do a bit and get in the Christmas spirit with some Michael Buble playing. Its’ great catching up with my ladies. One day I will return to doing full time again and become a trainer as shown on my mood board. In between clients I have been wrapping pressies and doing ironing. It’s surprising how much I can get in done in a day.

I have been receiving quite a few links from friends on articles they have read about Kris carr, the Crazy Sexy author as well as info on revelations on new treatments that are soon to take the world by storm, namely dendritic cell therapy or immunotherapy. Pete sent me one really interesting one to give me a boost. All the signs are pointing in the right direction.

I woke at 4am this morning. I’m not sure why. I know I was really aching from yoga with my neck stiff but I love my bed! I hate getting up. I kept thinking of an affirmation, ‘Miracles happen every day. I go within to dissolve the pattern that created this, and now I accept a Divine Healing. And so it is!’ It’s caught up with me now. I’m pooped.

I’m loving meditation at the moment and decided to neti pot before hand. I haven’t done it in a while but I felt so much clearer once I had. A lot of slimey stuff comes out but it’s great knowing it’s not in there anymore! (Too much information? :))

I had a voicemail from my dad wanting to know what’s been happening so I called him this evening and gave him the lowdown. He started crying- the big softy. πŸ™‚Β  I wasn’t all doom and gloom as I can imagine how hard it is to see and hear about someone you love going through such terrible times and feeling helpless. He quickly snapped out of that and we continued chatting rubbish to smooth it over.

Still waiting for a reply from Professor Harris re the email I sent last week. The clinic in Germany have confirmed I am to book for January. I just need to get some decent reports on my scans and I think we are all up to speed on everything. It all seems so hard.. why does it take so long to get replies from people? We all know everyone checks their mail every five minutes.

I’m already in my pyjamas. Just need the husband to come home to have some tasty nom noms and then off for an early night. I hope I sleep good tonight. Tomorrow- another day of the good stuff- HD brows on my lovely clients. πŸ™‚

News from Germany as to my next treatment plan..

Last night was a terrible nights sleep for both of us. Pete said he was worrying about work. The shortest month of the year puts on a lot of pressure. Wish I could help. I didn’t sleep. I thought it may because of the chemo drugs but I am thinking it may be coming to the time of the month again. I am a little out of the swing of things since not having any for so long!

Despite that today has been great. I have got lots of housework done. I find it so therapeutic. Then I had a one to one yoga session. My hips are like an old grannies! I wrapped more pressies. Seems like a never ending chore. πŸ™‚ Then had a skype meeting with Dr Kate James. I have got more reishi spores on the way. It’s nearly four weeks since I stopped taking them. As well as that I have booked an appointment with a dietician at the London Oncology Clinic in January and had an email from Dr Nesselhuts clinic in Germany. Apparently they are thinking about changing my current regime – taking the special P2X7 out as they think it isn’t working and changing it to unprimed cells which will be injected intravenously and intradermally. My instant reaction was to say, No. They are making that decision based on the CT scan report which gives nearly nothing away. I agree with Pete whenΒ  he says he thinks it is working and the enlarged nodes are not just canSer but lots of cells and the node is inflamed and becoming necrotic. I have forwarded the emial onto Prof Dalgliesh in London for him to discuss with the German clinic. Either way it sounds like a plan and that I will be returning in January maybe.

I have a good feeling today. I think that all this is now going to be combatting the canSer like nothing before. I haven’t once strayed from my supplements and diet (ok, a bit of dessert sometimes falls into my mouth and I probably drink too much alcohol but it is the festive season!) I am still using the infra red and the airnergy machine and I am meditating, yoga-ing andΒ  exercising where possible.

Touching everything wood- I am not feeling unwell from the chemo. I have always told myself that I won’t feel sick or be sick with chemo. The good thing is that I have to eat with the tablets so you mentally know that it will be fine whilst there is something in the tummy. I hope that I blast this chemo and I don’t get any side effects. Let’s face it I start every day with a green juice made from veggies. Full of goodness and it washes away any toxins immediately. Or at least it should as I spend half my life on the loo in the mornings. The bladder the size of a pea or I have a lot of fluid inside me.

I’m looking forward to Christmas again and our holiday next week and having the Bear to myself. Well nothing there changes. I have him to myself every day. In fact speaking of the big furry one.. where is he? On his way home I hope.

 

A tad emotional- oops wasn’t meant to tell anyone about the Bear being a softy was I?

This weekend has been a brilliant weekend.

Firstly Friday night was the work doo with the VTUK crew. A great night with such a lovely bunch of people. All ages and all backgrounds but I love them all. Not shy of pulling some shapes on the dancefloor I got sore feet from dancing all night. The food was great, the drinks flowed (a little too much!) and we all looked really smart (boys in black tie and girls in Christmas glamour).

Saturday I felt the night before.. a little jaded and hungover but I had a smile on my face. It’s amazing how easy it is to forget all the bad stuff going on in my life. It’s true what they say, that there really isn’t time to worry about everything. Living is so much easier. And more fun!

I dragged Pete around food shopping (mainly comfort foods-but vegan style! Not quite the same but still tasty) against his will. He didn’t look great but got on with it bless him. Then back home I collapsed on the sofa whilst Pete went to see Ray. To behonest Pete did most of everything on Saturday. He came home and cooked loads of good food and made sure I was warm in front of the fire and comfortable on the sofa watching good ol’ Strictly Come Dancing. These are my favourite weekends.

To top the weekend off my best friend and her fella came to visit me. We hadn’t planned on seeing eachother before Christmas but witht the news I had in the week must have upset her a lot too. I can always tell. She wants to try and fix it for me in true Lizzie style and is always so supportive. I don’t know what I’d do without her. They arriived to the aroma of a tasty feast. It was like a mini Christmas dinner with silly hats and headbands. We had fish and the boys had MEAT! Boys have to eat MEAT! Caveman styly. We slumpedon the sofas for the whole of the afternoon talking complete rubbish no doubt whilst rugby was on tv.

Simply the best weekend. It took my mind off everything and I didn’t have any effects of the chemo which is started on my hangover day- Saturday. A riskt strategy but had to be done. The only thing I have felt is tired. The anti sickenss drugs make me feel sooo tired to the point where I cannot keep my eyes open. If I get used to the chemo then I can reduce the anti sickeness down. The good thing about the chemo is that there is no hair loss but I may get diarrhoea, sore hands, feet, mouth, eyes etc..

Once our friends said goodbye we got ourselves on the sofa for more tasty food and Sports Personality of the Year. I don’t know what’s wrong with uis but we both ended up in tears. A tad emotional.. Oops I wasn’t meant to tell anyone about the Bear being a softy was I? πŸ™‚

My kind of weekend. More of those please!