Works doo as an honoury member of the team.

Today I have been catching up with a good friend and also off to have my nails done. I’ve really got into having them done and cannot believe the difference in the way my hands look and the nails are so much stronger now! Of course I’m still a bit fuzzy headed and haven’t started taking the chemo drugs yet. The reason is one; because I’m a chicken! and two; because it’s Pete’s Christmas works doo tonight and I want to have a drink without worrying I might get sick. I get to go as an honoury member of the team. Let’s face it I was working there for nearly five years and I still know what’s going on there as I live with the MD! Therefiore I am most certainly going.. it;s my right! ha ha! Plus I make up the girls numbers..Only four of us amongst 15 men.

It’s going to be a late night so I’ll give you an update tomorrow.

Professor Dalgliesh’s opinion….

So on with today.. I got up feeling distressed and still can’t shift the thought of the growing of  the  canSer and all the words that keep going round in my head is ‘that it isn’t working..’

 

Pete wants to bash his head against the wall. I don’t blame him. I do trust what he says and he says that the lymph node is only bigger because of the dendritic cells that Prof Harris is wrong.

 

I do believe him but once someone says something so demolishing it’d hard to shake it off. For me the proof is in the pudding. I desperately want the canSer to go into remission.

 

Anyway we had a day together today. We had thought we may have an afternoon of fluffing and having a cheeky day off in London seeing the Christmas lights but what in fact did happened was that Pete went for a long overdue medical and I called Professor Dalgliesh. He was unavailable but I luckily got an appointment to see him at 5.30pm.

 

Pete’s appointment took until lunchtime and then we decided to get some lunch and have a chat and visit Winter Wonderland! Brilliant that really cheered me up. In true German style the Beer hall had a German singer which was highly entertaining.

 

Off to Prof Dalgliesh. We discussed everything with him and he said that he would happily contact Dr Nesselhut and arrange the next step with him, he is going to organise for me to see the nutritionist there to make sure I am doing everything properly and said that if I get the scans to him that he will get full reports on them as he agreed there wasn’t enough on there.

 

I had taken my CT scan disc with me and he seemed keen to have a look. That’s the difference is that he actually wanted to see what was on there. He said that it is all very small as too is the fluid round my heart. He thinks the lymph node which is the biggest one looks as if it is going necrotic and that it is likely inflamed from the dendritic cell treatment. He said that my body could be taking longer to react to the vaccines. Regarding chemo, he thinks capecitibine could be really good to take as it will systolically select which cells to attack and the dendritic cells will not be attacked. Now that I have had four vaccines he thinks the chemo will more effective. Also as it is an oral drug if I do not like it then I can stop taking it or reduce the dosage.

 

All in all a great outcome. I feel better knowing there is a plan and the Prof Dalgliesh is helping me hugely. I am still unhappy with the growth and I am so not happy about taking chemo.

 

A good day…

A day of two halves…

Yesterday was a day of two halves.

 

In the morning I had a lovely lady come to the house to do The Journey process with me. After having read Brandon Bays book Pete thought it may really help me to uncover what may have been buried deep within me to cause canSer. Nicky Hague was friendly and very approachable and I felt immediately comfortable with her.

The process is a bit like hypnosis but you go deeper into your feelings and let them wash over. At the same time you allow yourself to travel anywhere in your body and where you end up may bring words or thoughts to the forefront. Sometimes it can uncover tings that you thought you had dealt with but actually haven’t been let go of.

It took about 2 hours and after much expression and relaxation felt great at the end. Like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Nicky felt it went really well and said she would email me what happened during the treatment. Her details will be on the resources page. I highly recommend her. Obviously it isn’t just for cancer it’s for anything emotional or physical.

Sadly I didn’t have time to chill out after as instructed by the Prof the day before I had to get to the hospital to collect the chemo drugs to get started. Once at the pharmacy they tell me there isn’t a prescription only a referral letter?! What?

I had to go to oncology, they made phone calls and they told me it had to contact Prof Harris- who isn’t in til the following Tuesday! Then they decided to get another doctor to sign the script.   This could take hours and did. To be fair the pharmacy staffs was amazing. During this time I just felt gutted again. It was like a poke in the eye. So I decided I would contact Prof Harris secretary. I discussed everything that had happened and ended up in tears. I had had enough. She came down to meet me and said that I should email; her with any questions or requests and she will get them to the Prof ASAP.

I eventually got my drugs two hours later and actually felt like I had achieved something by having to wait and discuss things out.

In the evening I drafted a huge email to the secretary and also copied in the CEO of the hospital.

I’m still feeling emotional and very upset and confused. I haven’t started taking the drugs. I just don’t feel confident in the decision until I speak to someone- anyone at this stage!

Just a quickie!

Just a quick note to say I’m a bit behind! Loads happened yesterday – good and bad and today I’ve got more exciting things happening but it’s going to take a good long sit down typing session to get it all down!

Bear with me (literally!) it will be worth the wait….

For now I just want to thank all my wonderful friends, family and supporters for your kind words and unconditional love.

Be back soon! X

Move onto the next chapter and hope the little cells get with the program a little quicker please!

So today was the day for my CT scan results. I wasn’t overly looking forward to it but I think I have handled the last week quite well. I have been optimistic and felt pretty relaxed especially over the weekend.

I met Pete there and as I had been warned the hospital was ultra busy to the point where I couldn’t get parking…Then on entering the clinic we were greeted with a minimum of two hours waiting. Tha’ts not me moaning but setting the scene. We actually visited Ray during that time as he has been there since last week.

Then approaching the time I got nervous. I had a ‘good feeling’ all day today and we had received so many messages from friends saying they had too.

Professor Harris stormed in like a whirlwind as usual but was less friendly this time. He seemed to ask lots of questions about when we last saw him and he flicked through notes. He asked why hadn’t I seen him sooner? We explained that the DC therapy was for four montths and that I hadn’t had any symptoms. He didn’t ask me how I was so I didn’t get to tell him that I that the feeling has returned in my hands and feet and that I am now having periods.

Then he blurted out that the scan says I have further progrssion of the disease. As usual the scan report was all of about 4 lines. Very brief in detail and only highlighting the odd node that caught their attention. There was no mention of any nodes having gotten smaller or gone and no mention of how many there are. Only the mention that the nodes have progressed in size and that there is one that has increased from 7mm by 7mm to 23mm by 16mm. The other increases are all a bit vague and when asking for specifics we were told that they couldn’t give us that info without looking at the scan.

OK at this point I had a hot flush of adrenalin and felt quite sick and red in the face. Pete didn’t look great either. Prof Harris just bombarded me with the fact I have to start chemo right away and told me of two drugs; Taxol and Capecitebine. One is by injection the other by tablet. I asked what they do and how long would I need to be one them? He said that they could stop growth or even regress the disease. He then said you can’t be cured. Luckily I had already been told that but what if I hadn’t? What a way to tell me! I felt like saying, ‘Thanks for that gem of information’. It’s like they stab me every time they something so bluntly. I imagine a cartoon when a fox looks at the bird and all he sees is a cooked chicken. To me all they see is a disease, not a person with feelings who is scared to death of getting ill and dying way before their time.

I advised him that we are going on holiday and no I cannot cancel it. He said let’s just get some drugs inside you as soon as possible then, so wants me to start taking the tablets tomorrow. I asked when will we know if it’s working and he said in about 6 weeks when I am to have another scan.

Pete looked at the scan and said, ‘There is good news though? Some of the nodes haven’t been mentioned so that must mean they haven’t changed or better still gone. Would that be reported?’ Prof said ‘No’ They just focus on what has progressed.  There is mention of pericardial effusion which is fluid round my heart. Not much to be told here other than that could indicate my lymph nodes not working properly and if it got much worse then I may need to have it removed or my heart won’t work properly. But seeing as I don’t get out of breath then at the moment it’s not affecting me! Also Pete mentioned the fact that the report did say it hasn’t gone to my liver or bones. Prof said ‘Yes that is good news I guess.’ He then blustered out of the room and went on his way. Ten minutes.

I was left spinning. My heart sank like a lead balloon. So much for me being intuitive. I’m not being down on the NHS or the way I percieve my treatment to be and I normally really like Prof harris but today I felt like he wanted to prove to me that I was wrong with the DC therapy and that I will die unless I do what he suggests. I get the feeling that he really didn’t like us going somewhere else for treatment or advice. I don’t like being made to feel this way.

Right now I can honestly say I want to tranfer hospitals or send Pete to get my results so he can digest the info and give me the actual story rather than a bleak outlook that makes me want to come home and go to bed and never get up again.

As we left obviously I was upset because I really felt I needed a lift, a sign of the disease going, not to be told ‘Oh my god you better get some chemo in you or else’. Pete sat me down and hugged me and in true Pete style got out a piece of paper and we discussed the report based on the info we had from the last one back in August.

 

Things they didn’t focus on must mean it hasn’t changed or could infact mean it has gone. They never mentioned the necrotic node. Is it still there or has it infact gone? The report mentions that the pulmonary metastases have progressed but only mentions the one big node that in my last scan had doubled in size from 6mm to 11mm in 6 weeks. This time it has only increased from 11mm to 14mm. That means that growth has slowed down. It has only increased by approximately 26%. Surely that is positive? It says that right hilar region nodes have increased slightly but it’s only progressive is when it is 30% or more. And there is no canSer in the liver or bones. There is no mention if any have actually gone completely. So infact there is one they have mentioned that has changed significantly but as Pete points out what if that is being blitzed by my dendritic cells which is why it is bigger?

 

He is so sure that things are changing for the better, that I must battle on and that chemo was never ruled out, infact it has always been a part of the plan. I find it hard to get my head round. How can having chemo which kills every cells in the body do any good when I am trying to build my immunity and fight the canSer?

We have decided to get a copy of the scan and actually get a detailed review of each and every node and canSerous tumour. I need to know if there have been any changes- like some dying, getting smaller and where they are located. I am guessing this will need to be paid for.

 

I came home in a state. It’s like being told you have canSer for the first time all over again. Maybe I was being silly having high hopes but Pete says they are good results- if you don’t focus on that one that has gotten really large. It’s called ‘stable’ if there is 25% or less growth. I want more than that. I want it to regress completely.

So since then I have had a little cry (well a big one actually), thought the worst, then dusted myself off and got on with the ironing. I so wanted to blog today some brilliant news. But not this time.. Sorry. Next time. 🙂

I’ve already started getting neurotic and think that every feeling I have is a symptom of canSer. The power of the mind eh? I think if I had a clearer picture with what I am working with then I could focus more. If I am plucking them off one by one then great. At least I am progessing with my battle. But you are not told that. I wish so much to be better, to get up and not to think how lucky I am but to have an off day sometimes. But because I do feel like I have to make the best of every day I don’t want to waste what I have got. It goes back to living every day as if it’s your last because you never know what’s going to happen. The way I see it is that in 5 months I haven’t had any symptoms surely if it is as bad as they say I would have by now?

I want to be a miracle. I want to be more than a survivor. I want to show people it doesn’t have to get you down and I don’t want to lose this battle. It’s not fair on everyone involved. I want Pete not to have to worry about losing me and most of all I don’t want to leave him without ME! It’s all about me. ha ha! Actually that would be lovely. For it not to be about me anymore. I am fed up with talking about myself! 🙂

Anyway shut it out, move on to the next chapter and hope the little cells inside me get with the program a little quicker please!

I’m going to have night of cuddles.. No change there then!

Night! Love you. X

 

Do I still have canSer?

Sigh… A weekend of happiness. I didnt blog because I was far too chilled out. My mood lifted and I had a great time. The weather has been cold but sunny so we took a drive to the boat to make sure she is all ready for winter. Pete’s sister met us for lunch and we exchanged Christmas gifts. Then hopped back in the car to home- Pete did his chores- visitng Ray in hospital (Yep, he’s back there again) and shopping whilst I unpacled boat stuff and got our selves ready for a big night in front of the TV.

Sunday, I allowed myself not to do meditation, yoga or exercise. We got up early and out to Reading for some shopping. It was meant to be Christmas shopping (maybe two things were bought for other people!) the rest was for me! It’s weird because only four months ago I thought to myself what is the point of buying anything when I might die. I just don’t feel like that at all now. Even though I ask myself many times a day, ‘ Am I doing things right?’ ‘Do I still have canSer?’ In my gut I just feel that I’m going to be ok. When I was going through chemo around Christmas a few years ago having a chilled loving weekend like I have just had would have got me all teary eyed and upset at the thought of never having that time again, but I just don’t feel like that any more! I feel blessed, happy, excited… I’m like a child! However I do know that Santa doesn’t exist. (Oh poo. I hope there any children reading this!)

I have to admit I really want a break from the pressure of having to be so focussed. I do have my little treats where I do stray from my plan but I think it would be brilliant if I could just know that I am doing enough and that I don’t have to up it at all. I’m already doing really well I think.

Again I feel great today. I do have moments of tiredness but is that this time of the year?

I’ve had some great feedback from people following me. More than anything I long to have good news so that I can help more people get their lives back.

With regards to my results, that hasn’t got to me yet. I know it’s coming and I know there is nothing I can do about it but I do have everything crossed. Part of me thinks, nothing is ever that easy… and the other part of me thinks it has been more than three months since my last scan and a lot can happen in that time. I suppose it’s easier to believe the bad stuff. I totally knwo that there is no point in worrying and as Lindy, my sister in law says, ‘You’re not ill! Look at you!’ I have to agree with her. It’s like some sick joke, being told you have a life limiting disease when I don’t feel at all.

So today I am going to do more drawings, and hopefully get some reading done (after the washing and cleaning of course!) I don’t want to lose my flow and to lose sight of the end goal so I must keep going.

(A little bit of exciting gossip- Pete was at the Estate Agent of the Year awards last week and one of his clients, Haus won an award. A memeber of Haus’s team approached pete and said that she has seen my website. She said that her sister does the same thing.. maybe we know of her? The chairty and website is called Coppafeel! Well of course we know of it and have thought of Kris as a pioneer. You never know maybe we can get our heads together.)

3 hours wrapping presents.. bah humbug!

I have to admit it I have been a grumpy guts for most of this week. Not outwardly, massively grumpy but I definitely have not been right! I don’t like it. It almosts feels hormonal but that can’t be right. I have been negative and a little bit resentful of stuff.

I also feel a little blocked and uncentred. I have found it hard to relax fully during meditation and haven’t experienced any ‘colours’ during it either. I  do know that the scan results are playing on my mind but when I think logically, that I must trust and live each day, then I’m fine again. I need my own pep talk! I put it all down to being tired.

I spent 3 hours wrapping presents yesterday. I didn’t enjoy that either! Bah humbug! I had a great night’s sleep last night so I am feeling much more positive.

On a plus side though Pete has booked me to have session with a lady that does ‘The Journey’ process. I spoke to her yesterday and she was lovely. I have no expectations as I am not totally sure of what will happen and I don’t expect miracles but it could be good to really let loose what may have caused all the canSer?

Today I went to my friends for lunch and had a good natter then I went off to have reflexology. I have been looking forward to it all week! It’s divine and really, Claire Winters is the best. So very accurate and clever. She said that my neck and around my glutes are all very tight. OMG- so very true! She felt that my adrenals were working too hard. She suspects that it’s due to feeling a bit stressed. But overall she thinks my feet look and feel great. She says she can ‘read’ feet too (a bit like reading palms) and even describe things that are going on emotionally at that time! I asked about mine and she said that emotionallly I’m pretty balanced at the moment. She says that my lung area all feels really good too.

I floated home. I feel wonderful!

Pete has been sending me cute messages today again and I’m really looking forward to our weekend together. First though, Friday night.. nothing exciting.. cabbage for tea and an early night! (Rock and Roll!) Just the way I like it.

The amazing low doasge Naltrexone

I have been having a few easy days.. sort of, shopping for Christmas pressies (and me!.. I like that shopping more! Ha ha!) I have been surprisingly normal and upbeat. Or so I thought. Sleep has been hard the last few nights. Not falling asleep but having vivid dreams. Now I would normally put it down to the worry of next weeks results but I actually think it is the Naltrexone that Dr Nesselhut prescribed for me.

I take it before bed every night and then it does it’s job between 2 and 3am. Low doasage naltrexone seems amazing. Here is a link to what it can do;

http://www.lowdosenaltrexone.org/index.htm#What_is_low_dose_naltrexone

Therefore I am feeling really tired today. I drove to Farnham for acupunture today and it was really good as usual except it’s going quicker each time as I am getting used to it and relaxing. A few points were really sensitve today, my kidney and liver points, but Michael says my pulse is feeling really good and strong. 🙂

I have to admit I am feeling a little bit weary today. I  have had thoughts of stopping my usual rituals for a while to give it break. I think that’s maybe because it’s Christmas coming up and also the thought of having the results. Of course I won’t because I can’t stop now! I know when I am tired that I shouldn’t take any thoughts I have and action them. I did think I may have a little nap today when I got back and I had an afternoon of writing, drawing and reading as well as wrapping all the presents.. but then I got stuck in traffic on the way home and it took nearly two hours to get back.. Grrrr.

I’m trying not to be worried and down about the (I want to say impending doom but that’s not right as I have done everything right and the results should reflect that?!) scan results that are looming. I can’t help but think that the oncologist will sit there with a ‘I told you so face’ and I also don’t want to let myself, Pete and everyone else down. If the way I look and feel reflects my insides then I am going to be celebrating but I always have the fear of not getting too excited just incase it doesn’t go well. I know that’s what I have been trying to change in the last four months but it’s a hard habit to break. I don’t want to have all those huge feelings of panic coming back. I have been loving it recently and long may that continue! Enough of me dwelling. Shaken it off.

Now for the good stuff. I received a lovely bikini in the post from Nicola Jane this morning as a ‘thank you’ for modelling for them. It’s animal print.. they know me well! Plus Pete got a text from his client and friend Chaim, who says that he has been praying for me 3 times a day! Things like that really lift me.. I have to stop saying it but, I can’t believe it!?

I think an aroma bath and early night are in order. I went to bed at 9.30pm last night surely I can’t go to bed any earlier!

 

The injection of iodine feels like you have wet yourself!

I was up bright and early this morning to get the the hospital in time for my CT scan at 9am. I felt prepared or as I coudl be. I had strength in numbers and had called upon everyone last night and this morning to give me some last minute positive vibes.

Lyn, my healer did some distnace healing last night and Pete and I did our own too. I have to admit I felt a bit shaky last night. Not sure whether it was from the healing but when he cuddled me he said I was roasting hot.

We live in such a lovely village and we are so lucky that at night when we look outside there isn;t any light pollution to obstruct our view of the moon and the stars on a clear night. Last night was one of them and it was so beautiful. Now call it a sign or just to appreciate the Universe but I saw a shooting star! I don’t ever remember seeing one and I had to double take to ensure it wasn’t a firework. Nope it was defo a shooting star… 🙂

The CT scan went very quickly. The injection of iodine before they take the images is always weird as it heats your body up and you get a sensation of having wet yourself. I know, classy… Unlike rebounding it is just a sensation and I hadn’t actually wet my pants! ha ha!

When I came out of the hospital I had loads of messages from my friends and family wishing me well and sending their thoughts. I could feel them.I’m sure of that.

As the day has been disjointed I am not exercising today but getting on with sending our Christmas wishes by email and post. I have taken a stock check of the pressies already bought and I have an action plan for the ones that have not been complete as yet. That’s my mission for this week I think. get them all wrapped and under the tree.

I have decided not to worry about the results of the scan due in a week from now. I can’t change anything and it won’t help to worry so I am going to have a really good week of lots laughs and love. I reckon a week of Christmas rom-coms is in order.. a bit of Jude in The Holiday does the trick (eh girls?) or even my favourite movie, Love Actually. I have a lot to look forward to this week and my Bear is being ultra cute. It’s all building up in the ‘kitty bank’. No snuffle goes un-noticed!

So I will spend my time doing nice things and thinking about food as usual! Life goes on.. and as long as we enjoy today then tomorrow is a Brucie bonus!

Light n Love. X

Topping up on EFT, visualisations in preparation for scan…

Today has been very cathartic. I have cleaned the house from top to bottom and I have been preparing myself doing my normal rituals and really focussing on visualisations as well as a double helping of meditation because tomorrow I have a CT scan.

It has been looming for months and I am doing my best not to feel dread but to think that whatever the scan says is fine. I will deal with it and know that I can move forward from any news given to me. Let’s face it I have done it before and can do it again. However, that’s not me thinking the worst outcome. I actually feel really buoyant about it and have roped as many people into sending me good vibes, praying, visualising or whatever suits them. All I know is the more loved ones who want to help are going to be thinking of me tomorrow morning.

I won’t get the results for a week… but that hasn’t stopped me from making the most of today, getting the last few positive changes and loading up on EFT, meditation, airnergy and heat, and tonight I’m going to do a final session of quantum field healing visualising.

All my friends have been brilliant sending me their thoughts and affirming that they will be doing their utmost. I love their views on it. One friend says she always imagines me doing the conga and has suggested that if I feel nervous that I should hum it to myself. Great idea. Lightens the mood and instantly makes me think of canSer leaving my body.

Is it wrong that I’m not feeling stressed or is it actually testament to how far I have come in the last few months and what a change there has been in me? I feel really well at the moment. I feel balanced, loved and full but not with sadness or negative emotions. I feel excited and proud of little victories. I feel happy and very lucky. My Bear has sent me lots of love today and even sent me an email that I sent to him just after I met him nearly nine years ago. How cute. How quickly it has gone but how it feels like a lifetime ago. So much has changed but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I feel stronger and so very grateful for the life I have been given and even more lucky that I have the Big Furry One.

Spoke to my dad today. He is living in temporary accomodation for the winter months overlooking the sea. I haven’t heard him sound so happy as I had done today. I plucked up the courage to ask my dad  if I could call him ‘dad’. I call him by his name at the moment and apparently used to call him dad until I heard my brothers calling him by his name when I was very young. I was told that calling him by his name meant he was more of a friend rather than a father. As mentioned before I don’t want him as my friend but my dad. I’ve been wanting to ask for years but never felt I could.. a bit too emotional but now I don’t feel like that. I didn’t get choked up and he simply said, ‘ Of course you can call me dad, you used to’. It confuses me slightly as to why I wasn’t corrected when I called him by his name, but there’s no point dwelling on that.

Pete has come home from work in a lovely mood again and I’m looking forward to sitting in the lounge looking at our tree or the grotto as Pete calls it. I think lots of cuddles are inbound!

Early start tomorrow..