I’m excited, I’m off skiing tomorrow!

Just a quick blog to say how excited I am.. I’m off to skiing tomorrow in Austria! Tonight we stay in the airport hotel and then first thing hop on a jet plane.. Fa la la.

Today has been a day of getting stuff sorted out but I have felt incredibly tired again. Like I need to go to bed, tired. Last night I slept really well although I did get up a few times in the night and once at about 4am I decided to try and use my active mind to do some visualisations on my lung and lymph. The wind was so noisy that I decided to oimainge the wind blowing the cells aways. I also imagined climbing up a ladder into my brain which was like a control room and turned a big switch off which was labelled ‘blood supply to canSer cells’. Then I turned a switch on for ‘dendritic cells’. On turning off the switch to the canSer tumours, they all went out like lights. I had a funny tingling sensation in my heel so imagined that  the cells were leaking out of me like running water down a drain. Not long after that I fell asleep again. Bizarre. The tiredness during the day though I think is caused by the anti sickness tablets but if it has been like the previous times it should get better over the next couple of days. It had better or I am not going to be any use up a mountain skiing!

I have to admit I have  been feeling a little bit lazy with all the visualisations. It’s like doing exercise for the mind. It can be quite hard work but I also don’t want canSer to take over my every waking thought. It has been nice lately relaxing a bit. Food is easier, supplements are hugely simpler, and I have really been planning my future. I hope I am not in denial and haven’t taken my eye off the ball, so to speak.

I have been in contact with Susie who was on the Nicola Jane photo shoot with me. She is based close to me, in Oxford, and we plan on meeting up when I get back. She has just got back from staying at the Ice hotel and seeing the Northern Lights. This is on my To Do list and I am very excited to hear all about her trip so that I can book it for me and my Bear.

Other than that I am packed, and as ready as I’ll ever be. I won’t be blogging for a week or so but may put updates on facebook.



Bloods checked, third round of chemo it is!

Yesterday I was back up the Churchill hospital for my clinic appointment. Unfortunately there was an immediate 60 minute delay (I’m not complaining!) due a burst water pipe, which the cleaners said they could’t clean up because of health and safety…. So who could clean it up?! Anyways.. funny. The consultant I saw just asked how I was and prescribed me my next round of chemo. I didn’t tell her about Germany as I was asked. I have confirmed my CT scan is in three weeks. The consultant did listen to my chest and back whilst I did some deep breathing and said that the lower back part of my lung wasn’t taking in as much air.. Oh my god! I thought.. But then said, ‘It could just be my listening though’. Then looked at the old scan reports and said ‘Yep, my listening it is’. I had a mini panic and then thought I am not out of breath so I know there is no problem there. She said that I shouldn’t be experiencing any side effects other than sore hands and feet. That is not what I got told by the other consultants.. She said on my doasge I wouldnt get diarrhoea, nausea etc… She said to expect my hands to get worse over time and to invest in a  good hand and foot cream… OK …..

I then went to the pharmacy and had to wait another hour as the prescribtion hadn’t been screened and forwarded to them despite having been written three weeks before. Again I’m not moaning, just saying… So I spent 4 and half hours for a ten minute appointment today, needless to say I didn’t get a great deal else done.

I did however update the website information and sent it on to, my man that can, with the dieticians info along with a few tweaks in the nutrition section and adding the info on metformin.

Wow, metformin looks so exciting. I have googled today metformin and triple negative and it actually shows on Wikipedia (I know it’s not that reliable but still), and it says that it is potentially going to be going through trials as the widely-used diabetes drug metformin holds promise for the treatment of triple-negative breast cancer.In addition metformin may influence cancer cells through indirect (insulin-mediated) effects, or it may directly affect cell proliferation and apoptosis (death) of cancer cells. Epidemiologic and preclinical lab studies indicate that metformin has anti-tumour effects, via at least two mechanisms, both involving activation of the AMP-activated protein kinase(AMPK). A large-scale phase III trial of metformin in the adjuvant breast cancer setting is being planned.  Now I know it may not be great for me in position but it’s very exciting and as it has very little side effects and is cheap- this could be so useful. I am pleased I am taking it anyway. You never know it may help!?


I had a reply from a charity that heads up a trial at Kings College London in conjunction with Breast Cancer Breakthough that is focussing purely on triple negative breast cancer. Here is the link to take a look;


It’s is being headed up by Andrew Tutt, whom we have been told is highly regarded. I would quite like to have an appointment with him to know more.

I called the hospital on my return yesterday to get the results of the bloods that I had taken. All seems fine and I am good to go to start my next round of chemo, which is today. So down the hatch…

Today, I have been struggling a bit. Pete got up at 5am and left at 6.30am. Unfortunately I couldnt get back to sleep but insisted on staying in bed till 7.30pm by which time I had started to feel sleepy. I have been a walking zombie all day! I cannot keep my eyes open. I have my yoga lady arriving any minute now and feel a bit better but I think I must have worms! I cannot stop eating either? I don’t even feel hungry yet I want to eat!

I have been drafting the cards for the little wish bracelets I am going to make today also. I am so impatient and have such grand ideas.. I have enough beads and cord to make up to 500 bracelets.. all by hand, by myself. I know it’s going to take time but I hope I can sell them all. I want to make money for charideeee. Ha ha!

Back from doing yoga and I feel so much better now. Plus the little swarovski crystal beads have arrived for the bracelets.. eek! So exciting. I think I may have my work cut out… Oh well.. it will keep me occupied and it’s all for a good cause. I hope people want to buy them…

The photos have arrived from the modelling session…Eek!

Yesterday was a lovely day.. I had an acupuncture sesh with Michael. I was getting concerned as to how often I would need to go as I had been finding driving to Farnham every week very time consuming and I didn’t want to feel like it was a bind or a chore. Thankfully on asking Michael he felt things were going well and he said my energy was feeling good again and that I only have to go every three weeks. He focussed on rebalancing my energy and helping me with sleep as it has been all a bit crazy recently- either sleeping excessively or not at all, as well as cooling the system due to the chemo I have been on. It was the first time that every single point he used was so sensitive and it felt like he was putting his finger into the point inside.. Weird but so very cool. Michael thinks that’s a good thing…Intriguing…


I had been thinking about my visit with Kelly and she emailed to say she would be in touch with me soon with some more info and research for me. It reminded me that I had forgotten to mention her thoughts on alcohol. She said that before being diagnosed with canSer that people should only drink a limited amount. When diagnosed with canSer then drinking alcohol should stop. She said in research with pure alcohol, ethanol and cells in a Petri dish, the cells became cancerous when they came into contact with the ethanol. Oh smiley-undecided.gif…. However, she said that she felt that I could have a few glasses a couple times a week as long as I had a few days in between. That’s better…. smiley-cool.gif

I had the results of my vitamin D test today. It says that my vitamin d levels are adequate which is the best they can be… that’s good news. I will continue with the vitamin d3 that I am taking!

I have been feeling tired recently probably from the disturbance in sleep patterns as well as being in different beds or it could be the chemo so I have really been taking on board what Kelly said. She said chronic tiredness can be alleviated by acute tiredness. Acute tiredness is caused by exercise which also releases endorphins making you feel good. I know the importance of exercise so this week since I have been back I have been doing my morning exercise. It’s a struggle but I definitely think it’s worth it, although my butt and thighs are aching! I am training them hard as we are off skiing soon.

It got me thinking too that I love to trampoline and as rebounding is so good for the body I have started asking around about going to a trampoline club. I used to love it as a kid…. Bouncing!

I received a delivery yesterday and inside was a usb stick with all the images of the photo shoot I did in November as well as few catalogues with me on the cover! I modelled for Nicola Jane mastectomy lingerie. I have to say it made me realise how much fun it was and I have today posted it on facebook. The feedback has been immense. I don’t think I look amazing but then who is ever happy with what they see? I am working on it. We are all perfect and beautiful… I know that. I just need to retrain my mind. I have posted some images on this blog for you all to see.

I have today had a natter with a good friend. In fact two and half hours passed. We mainly talked about our positives and all things holistic, sharing our findings and having lots of laughs. It’s so important to have that in your life. I really feel so calm now. I don’t know if its medication that is making me more optimistic or if it’s because I feel well but I really feel like life is flowing. I currently have peace of mind. I am sure when my next scan is due I may not be quite as calm but I know that right now I like life. I don’t stress if I don’t get all my ‘rituals’ done due to other commitments and I don’t think life is going to be snatched away from me although I do always think that any day could be our last. I wake up still thanking the Universe for giving me one more day to be on this earth with my wonderful bear and I am so very thankful to each every person I come into contact with every day (all the more now there are so many followers on FB) I feel lucky andnothing will ever change that. I feel that inside me things are good and I am not going to hope that it is. I will just live for now.

Tonight we are going to celebrate Burns night (much to my dread- whiskey may end up being on the menu) Pete will be preparing haggis (mine’s vegan) and I am looking forward to having more fun and love this weekend……X


Back from Germany, the first round of vaccinations for this year. So much to be happy for.

I am back from Germany for the first round of vaccinations for this year.

We left early Sunday morning and flew to Hanover then drove to Duderstadt where we stayed for the two nights during the treatment. Luckily all flights left on time and it was even snowier than here in Germany…-8 degrees. Ouch..

I love going to Germany. I have said it before- but it is like going to stay with an old friend. I love the hotel we stay in and we have all our evening meals there. Following the advice of Kelly the dietician I factored in eggs for breakfast and fish at my evening meal. I have to admit it was good to be eating those again. However as usual by this morning I was looking forward to my juice to start the day. My last day of chemo tablets was yesterday so today was also the first day where I didn’t have to eat something to go with the tablets. I love eating but for me juicing is sometimes all I need first thing.

The first day of treatment included a Newcastle disease virus injection as well as heat and air. We couldn’t do much that afternoon as the snow really came in and it was too dangerous to drive around but probably for the best as I started to feel ropey. A bit like I was coming down with something like the  flu. It didn’t last long as I was up and fine for my evening meal. That night I barely slept which was such a difference to the night before when we had 12 hours sleep!

The next day, Tuesday, I had more heat and air and this time my chest had been aching throughout the whole treatment. I almost wanted it to stop. But I didn’t of course as I want those little naughty cells to feel all confused and be gotten by the NDV and the vaccination.

Later that day we went back and saw Dr Nesselhut Senior. He is such a lovely man and so clever. He told us all about how he has partners in New York and Hong Kong. He has also a met a lady who works for a university researching cancer studies and they are going to be working together combining their work. Dr Nesselhut says it is very hard to be recognised in this country as he doesn’t work for a university however the lady who he is going to work with is also editor in chief of a well known publication and she has said that she will publish his papers on these studies and his work. This is great news for him. Let’s face it all he is trying to do is cure cancer. He told us of the success stories he has had in the past years and seems to really have a plan for me and what to treat me with. Depending on the research findings in March I could be having the treatment that they discover?! Crazy eh?!

In the meantime I had two injections by him. One under the skin which was my cells primed with NDV and something else, all I know is that a big lump came up on my arm and it hurt! (Baby!) Then he injected into my vein another vaccination that on the first beat went straight into my lungs.

He said he had another patient who had metastases of the bones, brain and lungs. The normal vaccinations had done a great job on her bones and brain but not her lungs so he injected the same into her vein and the lungs were also sorted! Blimey I have everything crossed. Of course on paper it all sounds so doable but the thing with us humans is that we are all different; different lifestyles, sizes, genetics and so on. I did confirm with him that I still have the P2X7 in the cells also. He said again that my dendritic cells were excellent and he can’t decide if that it is just me that isexcellent or the work his lab does! J I say it is clearly…… Me! Ha ha! I wish.

As soon as I had the jabs the aching in my lungs went. I’m hoping that’s not a coincidence.

We discussed the naltrexone that he prescribed me and he asked if I have been feeling happier. I said I thought so. I didn’t feel as down in the dumps for as long as I normally would after getting the news from the hospital in December. I also wake up in the early hours feeling really motivated and excited…I definitely feel optimistic. I sometimes have fleeting moments of being emotional but I have recognised that is when I am tired and hungry. I am like a baby!

He then went onto discuss prescribing me Metformin, a drug used for diabetes. Apparently research shows that it does some good in preventing and stopping cancer cells growing.

Metformin not only exerts a major protective effect against cancer development, but those who develop cancer exhibit a significantly higher survival rate, including those with malignant cancers of the lung, colon, and breast. Also when Metformin was initiated, the greater the preventive benefit.

There’s additional evidence that Metformin not only prevents cancer from developing, but also helps to improve the prognosis in patients who do develop tumours. In one study of breast cancer patients on chemotherapy, 24% of those who were also taking Metformin had a complete response rate, compared with just 8% for those not taking it.Numerous recent studies further support a close association between Metformin use and substantially reduced cancer incidence, along with improved survival.

Metformin operates at the molecular level by activating adenosine monophosphate-activated protein kinase or AMPK, a molecule essential to life. AMPK or its molecular analogs are present in virtually all living organisms. It also happens to be intimately involved in cellular processes whose dysregulation play a central role in both diabesity and cancer initiation.

Cancer results from disordered regulation of cell growth. AMPK is critical to normal regulation of both metabolism and cell growth, as a result of millions of years of evolutionary development.

As a fuel-sensor and metabolic master switch, AMPK recognizes and responds to changes in cellular energy levels, determining how fats and carbohydrates will be used in storing or utilizing energy. In metabolic terms, AMPK tells cells to conserve and generate new energy stores. In so doing, it lowers sugar output from the liver, increases glucose uptake from the blood, maintains insulin sensitivity, and ultimately lowers blood sugar.

AMPK exerts similar effects in terms of regulating cell growth and replication, instructing cells to conserve energy, slowing and often shutting down aberrant cell growth entirely. In essence, when AMPK is activated, incipient cancer cells starve themselves to death for lack of adequate energy supplies.

As well as this taking Metformin can prevent Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s disease. Wow…. Needless to say I now have it! The only down side is that it can cause an upset stomach. I have never taken so many drugs. I would normally be against taking so much but I have to give it a go. Every little helps. And who knows I may be living till I am 150 at this rate!

The journey home was a doddle despite the weather and we arrived home at 9.30pm last night. On the way back I did have a hot flush and became feverish. It didn’t last for very long but it was very unusual. Then I noticed the lump on my arm had gone completely. This again is unusual as the last vaccination stayed as lump in my arm for about a week… I’m all a bit excited. I just hope this is working. I feel like it is but then I thought that last month.

Dr Nesselhut also confirmed that he has a friend with a brain tumour who had been having vaccinations. One month his tumour appeared to have grown a lot as the CT scan stated. So he had surgery to remove it and the histology of the tumour actually showed that most of the mass of the tumour was in fact denr8itic cells and not cancerous ones. That makes me feel a bit better. It’s such a tricky thing eh?

I just know that today I feel great. I got up and got on with my chores, exercised (I’m very aware that I need to increase this as Kelly said that chronic tiredness can be alleviated by exercise which causes acute tiredness by releasing endorphins. That’s a good enough reason for me to exercise if any) then did a spot of painting in my bathroom. I am feeling really positive and am looking forward to the future.

Today I was meant to have a CT scan booked by my hospital consultant to see how the chemo drugs have been doing but due to the vaccinations I have postponed them for three weeks. It gives me more time and hopefully there will be something to be happy about…..

I’m looking forward to my Bear coming home. He has to work so much harder when he has been away with me. We both have such a lovely time together but it makes life difficult, especially money. All these things cost and he is working and worrying I know. Bless him. An amazing man. I love spending all my time with him. I miss him when he is not here. ….. Not long till he comes home I hope. Looking forward to a vegan dinner!

Back to early nights in my bed… sigh……..

Brilliant meeting the oncology dietician, Kelly McCabe…..

We managed to get to London just fine yesterday with some skilled driving by the Bear. It was carnage out there but we had been so looking forward to the appointment with the dietician that we felt we had to go by hook or by crook.

We met Kelly McCabe at the London Oncology Clinic and from the start it was brilliant. Kelly is so empathetic, incredibly knowledgeable about not only diet but her knowledge of chemotherapy drugs and their side effects and more, and full of interesting facts. Luckily for us the next patient was unable to make it and thank goodness as we filled those two hours very easily! It was probably me gassing and rambling on that filled the time but it was such a breath of fresh air to have someone that supported the diet and supplements and reinforced so much of what I have already been doing and what we have put in place since July last year.

The first thing that Kelly told me was that no matter what we decided  during that appointment did not mean that I had been doing anything wrong and that it would have done any damage to me. Well of course I know she was being kind and didn’t want to upset me but as it turns out I have been doing everything pretty spot on. I always believe that supplements and changes should be made periodically anyway especially as medication, seasons, illness and so many other factors come into play as time goes by. The resounding fact that I wanted Kelly to know was how well I have been feeling but I was concerned as I didn’t know if too many antioxidants could be affecting the chemo and have a counterproductive effect.

Overall there aren’t that many changes needed to be made to my supplements but Kelly does think I should be able to get them all from food however as I feel well that if I wish to continue them that I can carry them on. That was the other thing, no matter what advice she gave there was no pressure to actually go away and make those changes if I felt really strongly about them.

On asking about my day to day I explained that I have become vegan and every now and then have fish, I exclude sugar as much as possible too. She said that there is no evidence that in triple negative breast cancer that sugar increases or stimulates the growth of canSer. She said in others it can but not triple negative. That said she was happy for me to avoid simple sugars as much as possible but to get slow release sugars from certain carbohydrates like oats/ porridge. She said that actually eating certain starchy vegetables combined with protein would not be absorbed as sugars in their entirety because the proteins slow down the absorption rate. Bonus! Her recommendation is a small portion of low GI carbs at each meal or at least three times a day. She suggested avoiding white potatoes but continuing with things such as sweet potatoes. With regards to sugars she did say that it wouldn’t hurt me to have a dessert every now and then, once or twice a month, if I wished and that dark chocolate is a must for snacking on as they are full of flavinoids which are essential in a healthy diet. (I knew that too as red wine contains them! J)

She did advocate avoiding dairy (apart from a small amount of skimmed milk which does not contain the hormones from the cow) however she really wants me to include eggs. I have to admit this week I had a craving for eggs and had three in one day! That’s the thing with me – if I really get a hankering there is some reason for it. Intuition I hope. My body must be crying out for protein. Kelly explained that by not having enough fuel from slow release carbs that the body would deplete my muscles into protein. (I did know this factJ) I explained that I had been following the alkaline diet and that eggs are classed as acidic and that I was concerned about the hormones in food. She said that chickens and other meats do not contain growth hormones. The EU food policy says that no animals can have growth hormones in their foods or have them injected into them. This was a revelation. This still doesn’t make me want to eat meat probably because of the moral dilemma but also I believe the healthier option is to go for plant based foods. Anyway back to eggs. Eggs contain the most amount of amino acids that your body needs. Kelly recommends up to ten eggs a week and is essential in the diet especially when I do not eat meat. I am not convinced about the hormones so we will continue to buy ours from the little farm shop where it is totally organic and where we can feed the chickens too! J

We were unsure on this info and started researching this morning as we thought growth hormones were only stopped in beef. The question popped up,’ Well then how do chickens mature in such little time like 38 days?’ Kelly said selective breeding but for the sake on knowing for sure we checked it and she was right. Growth hormones and genetically modifying is banned in the UK and EU. The way they get chickens to mature so quickly is selective breeding and using the standard breed is the Cornish Cross. The Cornish cross’s greatest virtue is also its greatest vice: its phenomenal rate of growth.


Kelly also thinks that I should introduce fish into my diet more regularly up to three portions a week for their omega 3 oils. Oily fish such as mackerel and sardines are the kind to go for and to avoid farmed fish such as salmon due to the colours that are added to them. Again I love fish so this pleases me and plus it makes it easier to eat out plus on the alkaline food chart eating certain fish sometimes if good.

I told Kelly my typical day’s diet;

Breakfast: Green Juice followed by quinoa with nut milk.

Lunch: soup or salad with spinach, beetroot, avocado etc.

Dinner: Beans, lentils, spelt pasta or carmague rice sometimes but lots of veggies in stir fry’s and salads in the summer.

So the summary is to increase my slow release carbs, fish and eggs and continue with the organic foods. I am also to introduce fruits such as berries and the odd apple. Whole fruits were her words, as they contain the skin which contains fibre and the sugars are processed differently to say fruit juices. It all goes back to the 80:20 rule. Let’s face it the body is a clever thing and although the optimum ph is 7.5 the body will make it acid if it is too alkaline and so on. Also the gut has a completely different ph to 7.5 so will constantly change the foods to be more or less acidic. That doesn’t  mean the alkaline diet isn’t right. Let’s look at what is included; the healthiest foods there are! So continue with the 80:20 rule it is.

Onto the supplements; there were a few she was unaware of such as IP6 and inisotol and was honest enough to say that she would research it. I think that is very honourable and shows her interest in the subject and helping me out. I am going to email her the documents that I have on these things. She agrees with the high levels of vitamin d that I take combined with calcium.

Selenium she feels I can reduce to 50 mg a day however she feels eating two Brazil nuts would be sufficient enough. This was really interesting subject. She feels that most people in Europe are deficient of selenium and this is traced back to the economic change when we ceased to import wheat from the states and Canada. The excess rainfall throughout Europe washes the selenium out of the soil and hence the wheat grown is replete in selenium. At this point in history a dramatic increase of cancers were recorded!!

Kelly really supports the mushrooms that I take. She said despite the studies and scientific studies made in Japan are hugely different to the UK she still feels that as those countries like Japan and China use mushrooms like reishi in conjunction with their other forms of treatment and it is very successful. That’s great. I am pleased about that.

She has advised me to stop taking n-acetyl cysteine, cla, chlorella, omega 3 (if I have the fish) and matcha green tea, co enzyme q10. She feels that there will be no need to take vitamin b12 if I eat eggs nor do I need indole 3 carbinol with all the veg I am eating. To be honest she feels that everything can be found in foods.

She really supports me taking Bromelain and Curcumin as the studies are all pint to that helping canSer.

We discussed exercise too and Kelly says that exercise is scientifically proven to assist with coping with canSer. Only 5 times a week 20-30 minutes a time and nothing too strenuous. I have to admit I haven’t really been feeling like it this week and have only exercised 3 times. She said chemo and canSer can cause chronic tiredness and by exercising can make acute tiredness. Acute tiredness actually alleviates chronic tiredness… strange huh? OK point taken I must do more…

Overall Kelly really supported my diet and that for me says the ten point plan is on the money. She shared some really good websites for me to research and has offered her assistance whenever I need it. I think she will be regretting giving me her email address! Ha ha! I really like her and can’t wait to keep in touch. In fact I am sending over lots of info on naltrexone, afa’s and more. I will be updating the nutrition page of the website with some new facts given to me by Kelly so watch this space.

We got home in super quick time from London due to everyone being scared off due to the snow and today has been a day of wondering whether we will be able to fly to Hanover tomorrow for my treatment on Monday. Currently the status is good but who knows An early night tonight as we have a 4am start! It’s ok I am already in my PJ’s… J

I have my moon boots on and ready to go and see the dietician…


Yesterday was good day. I have been looking forward to reflexology for weeks and finally today was the day. I just love it. I feel great during and after. Claire, the reflexologist, said that despite canSer everything looks and feels fine, which she said is unusual with someone having chemo as they tend to feel damp. During the treatment I had a little visualisation of me and the Bear being old and grey and together. That’s the first time I think I have ever done that. It gave me a bit of hope and certainly shows that I have the will to live.

As I still hadn’t had a reply from Prof Dalgliesh re the scan reports I decided to give Kathleen, his secretary, a call, it turns out he is in the US and he has been trying to get hold of the radiologist who is on paternity leave. It’s a shame they are not ready as I am going to be going to the London Oncology Clinic today for an appointment with the dietician and could have collected them.

I received a letter today with an appointment for a CT scan on it for next week, the day after I return from Germany having had my next round of dendritic cell therapy. Clever as Pete is he said that I should contact the docs in Germany to see if it is too soon to have a scan after the cells being injected into men after all, I don’t want to waste that treatment considering the cost and effort and all. I was a bit worried about changing the scan date mainly due to the fact that I don’t want to have a confrontation with the NHS docs. They already think I am wasting my time and money but I think the decision is right. But by the time I can have another appointment due to being away will be the 11th February. That will be about 8 weeks since my last one. I know the NHS are keen to see how I am doing sooner rather than later so if it isn’t going well they can slam Taxol intravenously into me. I understand and I want to know too, part of me does anyway. I do think only giving the chemo one month is a bit short but at the same time I really don’t want to let the canSer get out of control. (However I still believe the canSer is under control I just hope I am not in denial about it all.)

I have this morning called the radiology department who have said that I must have the appointment but I said I was out of the country. They have asked me to contact my doctor to discuss. I have sent an email to the secretary to see what should happen; however I doubt I will get a reply what with everyone being off work due to the snow.

I hate feeling uncomfortable about all this. I know it’s a no brainer. If I have made the decision to have DC therapy then I really shouldn’t have a scan to give the little boys a chance to do their thang. I also think that by February I would have been using Naltrexone for about two months or more. I really believe that will have a profound effect on my immunity.

Any way back to today. It’s snowing. Just like being in Austria. I love it! But the country doesn’t. Everything stops. But we shall not! We are off to see the dietician recommended by Professor Dalgiesh to ensure I am taking the right stuff and maybe learn something from her. I have called and apparently she is there so that’s a good start. Not long till Pete gets back and we get on a slow drive to the capital.


Whilst at reflexology yesterday Claire Winter told me about how a study had shown that artificial light increased or even caused breast cancer. Another thing. But in the nature of research here is an article on it;


I have my moon boots on and I am ready to go…

P.S Had a message from a follower to say I look great in the photos for Nicola Jane mastectomy lingerie. I haven’t seen them! Argh.. Too exciting.


The only thing I heard next was, ‘When you next hear my voice you will be alert and peaceful’.

The last couple of days have been pretty stress free. I haven’t had much booked in the diary and have decided to go with the flow. It has been really good. I don’t know where time goes though?!

I have spent a bit of time listening to the new meditation/visualisation cd’s that arrived and have revisited the quantum field healing that I read recently. I actually decided to do it for Pete’s ankle. He did mention that he thought it felt better.

As well as this I have been ploughing through my new books ‘The book of miracles’ and ‘Faith, hope and healing’ both by Dr Bernie Siegel. They feature real life stories of canSer survivors or relatives’ and how they dealt with their own personal situations. At the end of each story Bernie gives his reflection. It is helpful and gives me hope and makes me realise that I don’t have to be cured of canSer to live fully.

I have been really beating myself up in the last 6 months making myself believe that nothing other than being cured of canSer is good enough but when I relate back to Kris Carr, she is living with it just fine ten years on. I suppose I really thought that if it left my life completely then I could really live and plan again but that’s me missing the point again! Now is the only life I have and I cannot simply think once it goes then I can really help others. I thought to myself that once I have proved the treatments and the exercises etc that I do work then I can really help others in surviving. But I am already living proof that it’s working. Ok the scan shows that the canSer has progressed but it is still very small plus my health is in tip top condition other than that. I honestly cannot see at the present time this is going to be my demise. I have to keep remembering that one day we will die and it’s never going to be good and one of us, Pete or I, will be alone.

What has been really nice is that despite the fact that I am reading about canSer I don’t feel like canSer is ruling my life at the moment. The chemo isn’t causing me any distress or ill health (except feeling like I am vibrating and shaking sometimes- I put that down to the chemo doings it’s thang!) I have been planning lots of holidays in my diary not booking as yet but at least there is a plan. I am certainly not thinking I don’t have a long future.

I have pencilled in my diary to go and see the NLP guy, Mark Newey at the end of February. He seems really nice and I could do with some reprogramming to make me let go of past hurts and move forward fearlessly. I actually dozed off this morning listening to some guided visualisation and the only thing I heard next was, ‘When you next hear my voice you will be alert and peaceful’. I hope that it still works when you are unconscious!

It is only over one month till ‘triple negative breast cancer day’ on the 3rd march and I really would like to raise funds and contribute somehow to it. I am not sure where the money should go at present. I don’t want to work too hard on it and feel responsible for it- as I tend to get myself worked up at things failing. (I know I am working on that too!) So I have chatted to a friend who is going to meet me to see what we could do. Any ideas welcome at this stage…. I want to support Coppafeel as they are raising awareness for everyone to start checking themselves from an early age. I want to support triple negative breast canSer but not sure what charity can help that and then I want to push forward the vaccine route as I believe this has a long way to go and could be the future combined with medication.

I believe now (again in hind sight) that all the time I was hoping not to go back onto chemo that in fact this could be the thing that really socks it to ‘em. I was afraid I would feel terrible that my life would be on hold again as you really don’t feel like doing anything  when on chemo but in fact if nature has its way and maybe if God is on my side this could be the thing that knocks it out of the ball park! Please, please, please…. I have everything crossed but know if it isn’t the outcome I want that I will move onto the next thing until it is.

I have been a bit naughty recently buying lots of clothes. I don’t know why I cannot stop.. I love looking and feeling good but I have too much of everything. This is the next thing for me to work on. I drew myself some angel cards and they were all focussing on spirituality and higher consciousness.  I know ‘things’ are not important so why do want them so much?

A lovely follower sent me this link to this news about TNBC. It all sounds exciting but not sure what I can do with it next… just hope the cure for this aggressive canSer is the next one they find!



Off to do be a little bit creative. I haven’t had my creative juices flowing in a while.. I need a fix. X

I can live every day without canSer ruling my life then that means not thinking about it…

This weekend was lurvely. We had a chilling weekend back since our holiday and had to get ourselves all organised. This was hampered slightly due to pete injuring his achilles and being on crutches. But that didn’t stop him getting jobs done. The weekend got off to a cracking start with us going to bed at 8pm again! And I slept all the way through till 7.30am. Come on yeah!

On the news Saturday monring, the doctor who founded DNA now says that super antioxidant food could cause canSer! What? Surely not. It took a while for Pete to calm me down as I thought what we have no chance but as usual he reasoned things out with me and said famous phrases and sayings are there for a reason. So you are what you eat is true.. in the fact that healthy people eat healthily. They don’t have weight issues, lower rates of heart diseases and cancer. This is fact. Honestly they say that everything causes cancer these days. I actually wonder if they really have any idea as to what is causing cancer in so many millions?!

Sunday we made a decision to plan for the year including trips away and things we want to achieve. We have pencilled our plans for holidays and one of the most exciting ones is a trip to Norway to see the Northern lights (weather permitting) I have updated my mood board, removing Thailand and have promptly replaced it with a new image. There are simple trips like a Cornwall and a stay at an eco hotel as well a visiting Port Isaac and more. On top of this I have begun to start improving our house (again). I know I constantly want to improve things but it keeps things fresh. It doesn’t mean I am not satisfied with how it is already but some things need changing like we do. Next on my list is my downstairs bedroom /gym and the kitchen is still on there. This is feel will take some planning.

Looking further than that I’ve read that it’s good to have future plans. I’m not one of those that want anything major. I want to still be living and loving our home. I want to watch the garden become established (that apple tree is upsetting Pete! Grow for goodness sakes!) Apart from that I would like to return back to work fulltime. I love working for myself but I think I want to become more holistically orientated and make my treatments more individual and nurturing. Of course I still want to be a HD brows trainer. I want to retrain in reflexology and be taught by the school that taught my reflexologist. Honestly amazing. I am not assuming I could ever be that good as I am sure some of what she does is healing and that isn’t something you can be taught but still. And of course the big goal.. charity. If we don’t start our own charity then I want to be involved in helping others and raising awareness. That’s enough I think. I like things simple (relatively) Of course added to that great recipe is having lots of love and fun and enjoying life to the max.

I am already gaining info from my follows. My friends and fb buddies have been sending me info and one lady sent me info on raw food and its benefits. This is the website she sent to me;http://www.rawfamily.com/ I love receiving and sharing information. Whilst cruising on this site I found a link to a hypnotherapist and NLP recoding practitioner. I was asked by my best friend last week if I had considered going for hypnotherapy or cognitive therapy etc. My reply was ‘No’. But then this link popped up; www.winningminds.co.uk

I have emailed the guy featured and he has replied. He seems really nice and I am just waiting for a further reply to fill me in on details of what it entails. He seems to have clients from all over the worked go and see him. I am interested. My head is my problem and it’s like meditation it requires practise and training and I feel I struggle with it.

The problem lies here… I can live every day without canSer ruling my life but then that means not thinking about it when visualising requires consciously focussing on it. So there’s the dilemma.  I want to make sure I am doing everything I can but I also want to not be afraid of what may be.

I believe that I am afraid to let life flow and to really enjoy life to the full at the present time. I am always looking forward to something and reeling in the happy memories rather than really feeling the moment. That’s what I want. And that’s what I am going to have. The funny thing about that guy is that he is based in Essex. Essex again! What is it about Essex and me? A bit farther away from my reiki man and my dad but still close enough for me to tie them all in together. And some might say that’s far for me to travel but as Pete points out people in Canada drive three hours just to get to work or school.  Ha ha!


Today has been a productive day and it must be due to the early nights. All weekend we didn’t go to bed later than 9pm! I am a grown up really. J I am actually quite excited about his week. I am having my ensuite spruced up, having my tv repaired, having reflexology (yay!), then off to London to see a specialist dietician who works at the London Oncology Clinic (LOC). I have been collating my supplements and diet to take with me on a document today.

As well as all of this I noticed something on the triple negative breast cancer foundation. There is going to be a seminar for professional in June. I would love to know what that’s all about but noticed that one of the main speakers is Andrew Tutt. I have mentioned him before. He is also based at the LOC and has been mentioned to me before by Professor Harris. I know I am having all the treatment I can have but for the purposes of research and wanting to know if there is anything that is being missed I am really tempted in seeing him.


I have emailed Prof Dalgliesh to see where my scan reports are and if he has spoken to Dr Nesselhut. I hate chasing things and people but I don’t seem to get a response otherwise. I have added in the email if he thinks I should see Andrew Tutt. No harm in asking.

I have paid for another vitamin d test to be sent to me this week. I feel it has been some 5 months since I did one and have been taking vitamin d all that time. It will be really interesting to see what my levels are. Last time I was just above average but it would be great to know what’s happening there.

I have today been listening to my new guided visualisations that arrived this weekend. I find listening to someone else really helps. I have a warmth and a throbbing feeling in my chest whenever I do focus on it. Every little helps eh? I am about to to start another new book by Dr Bernie Seigel too.

We have had snow over night and everything looks really pretty but as quick as it came it has already gone! Never mind it was nice whilst it lasted.

Whilst typing out my supplement list and reasons for using them I reminded myself about Coenzyme Q10. It states that CoQ10 has a positive impact in battling cancer. If a patient chooses chemotherapy drugs, rather than less harmful alternative treatments, it appears the drugs are more effective battling cancer if CoQ10 is added as a supplement, even though irreversible damage is inflicted from the toxic drugs. One of the reasons chemotherapy doesn`t cure more cancer is because there are inherent toxicity limits to the dosage administered. While cancer is being eradicated by high dosage chemotherapy treatment the overwhelming damage to healthy cells and permanent immune suppression can be severe enough that treatment must be discontinued or the patient is left to face fatal infections. This perked me up. maybe this is why I am coping so well with the chemo drugs? Either way it’s good to know that I am taking it.

So off to make cauliflower and roasted fennel soup for tea. I hope it’s nice. 🙂

Today I was mostly ‘balanced’. I think my friends and family would argue with that!

Last night I was once again bushed.. in fact so sleepy I went to bed at 8.30pm!  Today once again I started off full of energy but by about 11am I am really flagging. I am hoping it is my body getting used to being back rather than the chemo having an affect.

I received a really interesting link from my friend Lucy yesterday regarding an article in the paper about how a virus is being used to combat cancer. Here is it; http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2013/jan/04/2013-new-approach-fighting-cancer

It seems that a lot of info is coming about how viruses and other naturally occurring things can actually combat canSer. I’m sure there are so many different ways but I so have everything crossed that if the advertising campaign cancer research UK are showing at the moment is right, a cure isn’t far away? Who knows….

All I know that is a as long as I keep listening and researching it’s going in the right direction. I have to focus on living and as mentioned previously I have to keep my mind focussed. This for me is my sticking point. Yesterday Pete suggested making my visualation by drawing the canSer in my lungs and lymph on the ipad then putting it in reverse so that I can visually see it disappearing. great idea. I did that and I think that helps. I really find it hard being very vivid in my mind. I don’t know what other people are like but I guess I expect it to be really real and clear but it isn’t. So I decided to buy some more books! (I have never read so much! Who needs Fifty Shades of Grey eh?) I want to really read stories of success and hope and ways of improving my mind and visualisations. now I am not suggesting that alone could cure me of canSer but it would make my life have some sort of control and feelings of achievement and calm. I need that. Anyone with canSer needs that. I have bought another one of Dr Bernie Siegels and also a guided meditation and visualisation cd. The more input I have the better I feel.

I like getting all the news on new discoveries but it’s so hard to get in touch with peopel to see if it’s something I can do. We really are being held by the NHS and what we are being fed. This is not negative as I do really believe they have there place. Let’s face it we need all the help we can get right?!

I received a letter finally yesterday in reply to my informal complainat from my visit last month to Prof Harris. it was very amicable and every point was covered but there really is no resolve to it. I have the choice to move to another oncologists clinic but what would the point be? prof Harris mentions that he feels I am being very courageous and he supports me in every decision I make. Any way if nothing else at least he is aware of how I feel. It’s better than bottling it up.

I have been reading some info on Biofeedback training and The Simontons.

How the mind can heal the body: One of the most dramatic applications of imagery in coping with illness is the work of Dr. Carl Simonton, a radiation cancer specialist in Dallas, Texas. “By combining relaxation with personalized images,” reports OMNI magazine, “he has helped terminal cancer patients reduce the size of their tumours and sometimes experience complete remission of the disease.”

Many of his patients have benefited from this technique. It simply shows how positive visualization can help alleviate – if not totally cure – various diseases including systemic lupus erythomatosus, migraine, chronic back pain, hyperthyroidism, high blood pressure, hyper-acidity, etc.

In biofeedback training, an individual is hooked up to a device that feeds back information on his physiological processes. A patient with tachycardia, an irregular heartbeat, might be hooked up to an oscilloscope, which will give a constant visual readout of the heartbeat. The patient watches the monitor while attempting to relax…when he succeeds in slowing his heartbeat through his thinking, he is rewarded immediately by seeing that fact on visual display.

The surveillance theory holds that the immune system does in fact produce ‘killer cells’ which seek out and destroy stray cancer cells many times in our lives, and it is when this system breaks down, that the disease can take hold. When most patients are diagnosed with cancer, surgery, radiation and/or chemotherapy are used to destroy as much of the tumour as possible. But once the cancer is reduced, we wondered if the immune system could be reactivated to seek out and destroy the remaining cancer cells.


Here’s a section that I have just been reading…

Much of the early work in visualisation was carried out by Carl and Stephanie Simonton. According to their best-selling book Getting Well Again, Carl Simonton noticed that some cancer patients survived because they had a will to live. The Simonton’s began adapting visualisation techniques learned in Silva Mind Control by Stephanie Simonton to treating cancer and other diseases in 1971.

One of their first patients, a man with advanced throat cancer, had a vivid imagination, and Dr. Simonton asked him to visualize the radiation therapy killing the weak cancer cells while his white blood cells carried them off. The man’s cancer disappeared, and he went on to use visualization to clear up his arthritis and a longstanding problem with impotence.

The Simonton’s developed a therapeutic approach based on using visualisation to mobilize the body’s defences. They definitely saw their approach as being used in conjunction with traditional surgery, radiation, and chemotherapy. The first problem they address is the negative mind-set that many cancer patients have. The Simonton’s also identify and work with the same depression and unfulfilled lives in their patients that LeShan discusses.

The social attitudes toward cancer are strongly negative. People tend to assume that cancer is a death sentence, is uncontrollable, strikes from without, and requires drastic medical treatment, which is usually ineffective and has many unpleasant side effects. The Simonton’s teach their patients that cancer is a disease that is not always fatal, that the body has defences against the disease, and that medical treatment can be an important ally in the body’s attempt to fight against the disease.


The Six-Week Program

In Getting Well Again the Simonton’s recommend a specific six-week program for cancer patients. The program begins with reading to change negative attitudes, using books such as The Will to Live and Mind as Healer, Mind as Slayer, which promote a positive attitude toward our power to control disease. The patient begins relaxation and visualization sessions three times a day. The patient is to identify stresses in life prior to developing cancer and examine the “benefits” of illness.

Cancer often solves problems for people, such as leaving a difficult relationship or job. It may be a very difficult way of handling a problem, but it works. Of course, the aim is to find less damaging ways of handling such problems. The Simonton’s also recommend a program of one hour of exercise three times a week, appropriate to the patient’s physical condition. The patient should get a counsellor and deal with facing death and fears that the cancer will recur. Toward the end of the program participants are encouraged to set goals and find a source of inner guidance.

Setting goals is an important part of the recovery process because it makes the person assume there is a life to be lived. Just setting a goal is a visualization process that includes seeing yourself living in the future and achieving that goal. It gives a person something to live for.

Bernie Siegel and Imagery

Dr. Bernie Siegel is one of the most effective popularizers of the Simonton’s’ work. Through books such as Peace, Love and Healing and Love, Medicine and Miracles he has made a profound impact on the lives of thousands of patients, especially those with cancer and AIDS. As he sees it, his job as a physician is “not only to find the right treatment but to help the patient find an inner reason for living, resolve conflicts, and free healing energy.” (18)

Dr. Siegel combines psychological and visualization techniques. He calls his process personality reprogramming, and he is definitely eclectic in his approach. Use whatever works, be it analysis, imagery, or positive thinking. What stands out in his approach is the acceptance of the uniqueness of the individual and the meaning of the individual life. Commenting on his approach, he says, “The only thing I would lay claim to on my behalf is the ability to inspire hope in people.” (19)

In 1978 he founded a widely known support-group program called Exceptional Cancer Patients (ECaP) to provide “a loving, safe, therapeutic confrontation, which facilitates personal change and healing.” (19) The program is based on the observation that there are “exceptional patients” who unexpectedly recover from cancer and other life-threatening diseases.

ECaP groups are designed to awaken the healing potential of patients through exploration of dreams, drawing, and imagery. The program emphasizes that it is offered in addition to traditional medical care and does not offer any medical advice. There is a loosely structured association of support groups around the country based on the original ECaP program, but there is only one ECaP center, in New Haven, Connecticut.

Siegel sees diseases such as cancer and AIDS as a gift, an opportunity to discover the meaning, love, and joy in life. To him, “Cancer, death or loss are not the issue but love and healing are and we finally see that in the pain lies the opportunity to love and care even more.” (19)

To evaluate a patient’s emotions and attitudes, he asks four questions:

  1. Do you want to live to be a hundred?
  2. What happened to you in the year or two before your illness?
  3. What does the illness mean to you?
  4. Why did you need the illness? (18)

He is looking for the patient’s level of motivation, emotional experience as the disease developed, and the function of the illness in a patient’s life. He then has the patient draw a picture. The picture is usually a self-portrait or a representation of the patient through symbols. For example, if the patient draws himself as a small figure surrounded by angry animals and storm clouds above, the prognosis at that point would not be good. Siegel would then work with the patient’s self-images and appreciation for life to produce a stronger sense of self, resolve conflicts, and develop a positive purpose for living.

To those who are caught up in the misery and awfulness of life, people like Bernie Siegel seem absurdly optimistic. To those who choose life, he is not offering false hopes but the real hope of enjoying and experiencing the wonder of the life we have right now. If, as some solid studies suggest, cancer is caused in part by depression and repression, there can be no loss in adopting hope and happiness.

We see in the work of the Simontons and Dr. Siegel the application of several of the principles derived from research on the effects of psychological intervention in cancer. The Simontons and Siegel work to increase the patient’s sense of control over the situation. The emphasis is on present activity and anticipation of the future. The patients are encouraged to develop a positive, even joyful outlook. They are taught to express their emotions, especially anger, so that they can develop the ability to fight against the cancer. As they recover, they are encouraged to develop a sense of purpose and future-oriented goals. All these elements appear to be effective behavioral and emotional approaches to coping with and overcoming cancer.

Meditation and Cancer

Meditation has been used in the treatment of a variety of medical conditions, such as high blood pressure, anxiety, and intestinal problems, as well as cancer. Lawrence LeShan points out that the techniques for meditation, whether developed in India 2,500 years ago or in medieval monasteries, bear many similarities. (7)

Meditation begins by clearing ordinary concerns from the mind and focusing on a particular mental task. LeShan distinguishes four different types of meditation in common use:

  1. Listening to a tape recording designed to induce a relaxed state
  2. Repeating a phrase (a mantra) over and over in the mind as the patient relaxes
  3. Visualizing changes in the body or in images representing problems
  4. Focusing the mind on a single task, such as simply counting the number of breaths one takes

In 1988 Christopher Magarey in the Medical Journal of Australia reported that he has been conducting meditation classes for cancer patients and others for five years. He found that meditation improved their overall health, sleep, relationships, and attitudes toward death, while it gave them a sense of meaning and purpose in life. He states, “Meditation has led some to report a new sense of truth in their lives, a reality beyond death which dissolved their fears.” (9)

Meditation is surprisingly popular as a treatment for cancer in Australia. You Can Conquer Cancer by lan Gawler, which recommends a combination of meditation, natural foods, and exercise to treat cancer (3), was a bestseller in that country.

Ainslie Meares, an M.D. with a practice in Melbourne, promotes the use of a special form of intensive meditation as a possible cure for cancer. Since stress leads to the release of cortisone, which inhibits the immune system, he contends that meditation reduces anxiety, lowers cortisone levels, and improves immune functioning. (14)

An excerpt from the book : “ALTERNATIVES IN CANCER THERAPY” by Ross, R.Ph. Pelton,

Now I am a believer and I think that anything that benefits a person on any level but mostly to be calm and happy then this is definitely the way forward and if it cures canSer in some people then bring it on baby! People must think I am mad but I don’t think believing what the doctors say is necessarily the right thing to do. Everyone is different but we are mostly the same, when we want to have a good quality of life whilst we are alive and kicking. It’s all really interesting stuff eh?

Had acupuncture today and was told that my energy is feeling good. That’s what I like to hear. Today I was mostly ‘balanced’. I think my friends and family would argue with that! ha ha!

Looking forward to the weekend. Time to chill. No alcohol for us. January has always been a month where we get ourselves all ‘clean and clear’. I’m loving being back on my diet again…. Tonight we are cooking Thai vegan food. MMM…



Finding it hard getting into the flow of things…..

Yesterday I was bought back to reality with a bump by going to the hospital for my clinic appointment. This is to see how I have been doing on the new chemo drugs I hvae started on in December. I wondered whether after my experience with Professor Harris and the email I sent makig an unofficial complaint whether I would actually see him again. For the record I still haven’t had a reply to that email although I do know that he has drafted a reply. His secretary has informed me that it is now being checked over by senior staff! Over a onth has passed but hey ho.. I don’t feel like dragging it up and harbouring neggy feelings. I felt pretty calm about it all. I would normally getted quite worked up as I don’t really like confrontation (despite me being somewhat fiery!) and playing things through my mind often makes things worse than they will be. However I suprised and a tad relieved to meet a new doctor. Dr Chitnis was lovely. She communicated well and despite me saying I felt well she asked if she could ask specific questions and noted them down. She seemed ‘normal’. 🙂 We have agreed that a scan will be done hopefully in two weeks to see if this chemo is working at all and then if it isn’t they will add another chemo, Taxol or Carboplatin which is administered intravenously. Dr Chitnis said I am too young not to have it.

I am not going to moan but the same thing happened at the pharmacy waiting for my drugs. They didn’t have the presribtion despite the script being prepared on the 1st January. The pharmacy staff say that it happens all the time. Well surely then something needs to change? I sat for over an hour waiting for it but I did eventually get them so..

As the day wore on I felt very tired and had to admit that jet lag was making me feel so pooped. By the time Pete got home we were bushed and tucked up in bed by 9.30pm!

I thought a lot about ‘therapy’ today. I love my job when I do it and when we were away having massage it rekindled my love for it and made me want to really get stuck in with massage again. I liked the way the thai people work so closely and intimately with the clients. They rest the limb on them and maintain contact the whole time. It gives for a really soothing experience and one that I am going to adopt once I get back into work fully. Sadly massage and treatments alike have been put on the back burner till I really feel I can exchange energy.

I have today been compiling photos of our Thai experience,all the while my kitty has been sat behind me on my office chair. Sweet. It reminded me that when we were sunbathing, a little black kitten kept sitting underneath my sunbed. It happened on a few occasions and we chuckled at the fact the little one had replaced my kitty who follows me around like a lost…. kitty! The importance of the cat in sunbathing! Ha ha!

Yesterday I noticed a post on Zest magazines facebook asking people to email their life mantras into them. So it got me thinking and I sent this;

‘Incurable isn’t a declaration it’s a dare’
Life isn’t what we thought it would be- it’s better. Make the most of every living moment, don’t put things off till tomorrow as now is the most important moment. Trust and listen to your heart. And most importantly love- Be loving, lovable and loved.


Today we woke really early again but did try to drift back to sleep. We love our bed so much there is no way I would get out too early. I was all excited about spring cleaning! I know very sad. But I thought of all the things we have in cupbaords and thought a  good ol’ clear out is in order. I did my morning rituals, which were not flowing. I am finding it hard getting back into the swing of things and then my mood really slumped. It could be the chemo or tiredness but I lost my mojo for a bit. I became discomknocerated (great word right!?) I started exercising today and have got Davina McCalls new dvd. Grrrr… not enjoying it but has to be done. Tomorrow will be better. I love Davina. She is so funny so not only do I get a work out I get a good laugh too. Anyways needless to say the clearing out hasn’t begun and my zestyness is nowhere to be seen…

Then I got a call from Pete. Christy, the lovely lady that spoke to me about dendritic cell therapy back in July had been suffering with ovarian canSer and was given a year to live over a year ago! She used to give me advice and  I’d text her to off load my frustrations and her replies have always been so positive. She also suffered with multiple sclerosis. In the last 8 months she has felt better than ever and the good news was the dendritic cell therapy was working as the ovarian tumour hasn’t grown although a small one in lymph had. She recently had pneumonia but still seemed very happy and was on meds. Sadly she died on Monday. I don’t know the full story and I don’t know if it was the pneumonia or canSer or what, but I feel numb. I never met her, yet she spared so much time for me, guiding me and supporting me. My thoughts go out to her husband and daughters and I hope she is at peace.

I have to be honest I am a little panicked. If it was canSer that did it then am I on the wrong tracks with dendritic cell therapy? My gut feeling is no. I know that I have incorporated so many other factors to combat this disease but it got me thinking. Christy really believed the day she heard about DC therapy was like fate. That’s how I feel. Yet the outcome wasn’t one that she wanted. What if I am kidding myself into believing that I can be cured of canSer? But then what other option do I have? If I don’t try then noone will ever know what works. One day it will work then the path of canSer treatment will change forever. How many people have cured themselves but haven’t told anyone or the doctors haven’t asked and they just put it down to luck? Because they didn’t administer the treatment and the patient goes into remission forever (now for me that is being cured) the doctors don’t think it’s worth looking into. I’m rambling but this is how my head is.

Christy used to say it was the mental anguish that really got her at night. For me it’s the confusion. I don’t know how I am meant to feel and I don’t know what is going to happen yet I am meant to and want to live my life to the max but as normal as possible. The thought of getting ill scares me and to be quite frank seems so very unlikely as I feel so great now but it’s that thing of you never know what tomorrow brings! Part of me wishes I could be brain washed and that I could live my life not knowing. I would worry about normal stuff then- what to wear on Saturday night, what colour to paint my kitchen, where to go on holiday next… but then I think again and think how so very lucky I am to know that life is precious. I just want this all to be over and to live canSer free but that is never going to happen because even when I do recover fully I still will think about it every day and help others. Part of me longs not to have to have hospital appointments but I know that will always have to go to the hospital and that really it is a silly thing to moan about. If only life could be different. Life is so yin and yang, up and down. I find so many positives in everything that occurs and my outlook on life yet I sometimes long to be the girl that had no cares in the world. I must be tired. I only ever feel wobbly when I am tired. Plus I am missing my Bear.

I’m going to have a green tea and focus on something else. I wish for happiness to Christy and her soul and thank her for being such a wonderful selfless person. God bless. XX