Living till 100, eating spelt sugar free biscuits, and meeting good friends.. That’s what weekends are made of.

This weekend has been a good wholesome weekend doing things like baking spelt biscuits without sugar in… I didn’t do that Pete did. I’m not much of a cook! Soo tasty.. so much so I have put on a few pounds! Ha ha!

Saturday was fun. Apart from getting my morning rituals done we went along to a crystal shop and bought a few bits and bobs to help us along the way. I like the energy and having them around so we stocked up on things that are good for optimism, clearing negative energy and reducing stress levels. (Pete has one for his office!)

On returning home my oldest and dearest friend arrived with her hubby to be. They were in the vicinity organising their big day… So exciting!! We chatted for hours as we always do… A lazy Saturday afternoon.

There are many people in our lives at present all being affected by canSer, mothers, fathers, close friends, colleagues. News today of more progression of the disease in our friends relative really startled me a bit. I always look on the bright side but to be told a number of times in a few days of bad news really shook me up a bit. It makes the realisation of the disease and the possible outcome so much closer to home. I forget everything I am doing and just become a scared bunny rabbit in the head lights. I know it shouldn’t have that affect and I have been feeling so very settled and happy recently. It didn’t last too long but certainly puts the fear of God into me. That scan is looming in three weeks.

 

Some days I honestly can tell you I will be living till I am 100 and I am going to kick it this year. Then I get all fearful and think, ‘oh my god…. it could be me next’. I harp on about this but this is as hard for the canSer relatives as it is the patients. I spoke to Pete about how it made me feel when I woke up Sunday morning. He said it plays on his mind too when we get news from other people. But we have to remind ourselves of all the positive things that we are doing. Pete said we could happily live like this forever. The canSer doesn’t affect me and I am not ill as such. I agree but I so worry about living scan to scan. He reminded me it would be like that even if the canSer goes into remission. I keep thinking it would be good to have a sign.. Something to give me a heads up that things are going in the right direction. I try to think that the fact I haven’t got any symptoms should be enough but it isn’t. The reality is that if I hadn’t had a scan back in July I would be none the wiser now. Anyway enough of that dwelling.

Sunday was lovely -we celebrated the christening of a good friend’s baby and met lots of friends we hadn’t seen for some time. These sorts of things always have me thinking I don’t want to leave the comfort and bliss of my home and weekend with my hubby.. (Selfish I know) but I am always so pleased that I went. It’s the first time I have been to church in a long time; singing hymns and praying out loud. Of course I pray every day at home.

Today my prayers are with the family of a friend whose father has passed suddenly. Nothing I can say will make things better but my heart and thoughts are there.

Today I am working and looking forward to seeing more old friends.. but most of all (again selfishly) I cannot wait to see my Bear. I wish things were easier on him. Work is tough with so many responsibilities, home life is off the scale with worry… and all I can do is give him love. That’s all that matters at the end of each day. I give one of the best cuddles…so hopefully that makes up for the day he may have had.

I have decided I am going to make wish bracelets for charity. I want to raise funds for the Cancer Vaccine Institute as well as Marie Curie Cancer Care. I thought if I made bracelets by hand with love that people may want to buy them to show their support. I am looking forward to getting started and I need to design a card for them to go on.. so watch this space…

I had thought about organising an event like a roller disco. It’s something I really want to do, dress up and have such a laugh but at the same time raise money but I am worried it will be a flop and I don’t want the stress and worry of it failing. I know it’s a cop out but the future is so uncertain and I don’t know how I will feel, or if I will be on more chemo. I know I shouldn’t let that stop me.. Maybe it won’t.

Bursting with love for all the support

Today has been mostly spending time pushing my wares! Ha ha! I have been on social media promoting my bracelets and egging everyone on to donate to the giving page that I have set up. I was worried to begin with but once I contacted a few friends the donations have started to flow and actually people have been donating rather than wanting bracelets. It amazes me as to the support people show. I love looking on the giving page and seeing the comments people make. Brilliant. I don’t think I am doing anything inspiring or amazing. I actually think that for every single person that makes the effort to donate and takes the time to go online and use their hard earned money on my charity initiative is the inspiring part. Plus I also get to hear from long lost friends.

Pete and I would love to go on holiday every month. We are trying to do as much as life can give us in the time given to us (which by the way will be another 50 years at least!) but money is tight and time is tight too! Pete has so much work on that we have decided that we will give holidays a miss for a few months until the four Germany trips are complete and til we know what the next step is.

So I decided today that if we are not going away that we would catch up with all the friends that we keep meaning to see. friends new and old actually but ones we don’t see hardly at all. That’s our diary booking up.. I get to see my oldest best friend from secondary school in April, my good friend who I worked with over 15 years ago next week, friends we met in Austria just a few weeks ago and a lovely lady we met in Ibiza last october.. So exciting. I’m fit to burst! Whoop di whoop..

 Right now I am surrounded by post it notes with names and quantities on and boxes filled with bracelets ready to go on a trip tomorrow distributing many of them. My friends are great. They are taking bundles of bracelets to sell to their family, friends and colleagues.. Some are even holding chairty events locally to sell my bracelets. I hope that people read the info on the back and then go this website and read everything on offer. That’s the main aim to raise awareness too. We need support and the more I think that I can beat this the fact still remains that I have been told the canSer I have now is incurable. Really? I still find it hard to understand that if canSer goes into remission that is isn’t cured. I suppose I understand that it can come back but so can any canSer. Hmmm.. not worth wasting my thoughts on.

 

I had a great night sleep last night and Pete is so sweet every morning.. doesn’t get me up and I try so hard to see him out… but this morning I just couldn’t pry myself out of bed. I had a lovely morning. I decided I wouldn’t get distracted by my emails and facebook so  ploughed on with my rituals and whilst I was having my heat and air I listened to quantum field healing work.. I figure the more focussed I am the better I will be.

I am still reading Getting Well Again which works a lot on mental imagery and having goals. It’s taking me ages as I do not designate time to it. But whilst at the airport I tried to absorb as much info as possible. It states that canSer can be created by the individual. I have said this before, that stresses 6-18 months before finding canSer can contribute to the canSer being there so in some ways the individual participated in it being created. I like that thought. Participated but not blaming it on the individual. I agree with that. I didn’t make it happen but I participated in it happening. Somehow with my thoughts and actions as well as physical changes like stress or grief or losing the will to live.  Once I complete the exercises in the book I will post more about it on here.

One section is about goals.. well that goes back to my mood board. I now have the longest list of places I want to go.. All over the world… plus I want more house improvements and well let’s put it this way I have to go back to work and fast if I want all these things to happen!

Tomorrow is going to be a hard day.. We go to our friends’ mums funeral. Very sad time.

Then off to the hospital to get Ray who has been in hospital for over 3 months. And they are sending him home again.. to be there for about a month then he will be back in there AGAIN.. oh well..

Then the evening I am going to be driving around west Oxfordshire dropping off bracelets..

Then it’s the weekend! Whoop .. with my Bear.. Yay! XX

Sad news inspires me more to raise money for charity.. come on donate!

My second day of treatment went well. Finishing off my visit in Duderstadt with two more injections like last month. One in my vein so it goes immediately to my heart and the other under my skin. Our journey back to Hanover airport went well unitl we got some bad news from the UK. A firend and employee of Pete’s died suddenly yesterday morning. He had been suffering with lung cancer with bones and brain metastases. He had responded well to chemo and radiotherapy and they were considering what to do next. It’s weird as I had been thinking only that day as to how we could raise money for him to go to Germany to have treatment too. He couldn’t go before as one of the criteria is that you have had chemo and radio first. Pete saw him last Friday and he was looking and feeling fragile. His bones hurt and he was out of breath. He was looking forward to the weekend as he was having some special birthday celebrations with family. All I know is he got an infection and was rushed to hospital upon where he died yesterday morning. His birthday. Tragic. He was only 44 years old.

I haven’t known anyone well that has died before. I know lucky aren’t I? I am 37 years old and never been to a funeral. I was and am gutted… the only word I can describe. Pete and I spent a few hours at the airport letting people know and informing the staff the sad news. I spent three hours in tears. I never expected it and I didn’t know how to deal with it but I just felt so so sad. Simon was the funniest most caring man. I wasn’t sure why I was so upset but I guess that’s grief. And it’s selfish that we won’t get to see him ever again .. in this life at least.

Anyway it drives me more to get better. I have today got back into exercise and my morning rituals and this afternoon have finalised the details of the charity wish bracelets.

Collecting for cancer charities has been a challenging issue. After a great deal of research and having evaluated the benefits and gains to cancer survivors we have now chosen 2 charities to support; The Cancer Vaccine Institute and Breast Cancer Breakthrough.

We really must stress that these charities represent in our opinion the most viable research and treatment hopefully leading to a cure for cancer. Every penny you donate will be meticulously used and applied directly to specific research.

First and foremost I’m looking for volunteers who would be prepared to commit to becoming charity ambassadors and creating your own charitable initiatives.

In support of this the first thing I have done is handmade 500 ‘wish’ bracelets’ which are to be sold with 100% of the proceeds going to charities at £5 each. There are two designs to choose from and both have a Swarovski crystal.

If you would like a number of them to sell on to family, friends, colleagues, or for your own charity initiatives then please contact  me with details and your address so that I can arrange either posting or driving them to you.

Also let’s get creative; our aim is to raise £10,000 for each charity- between a 1000 followers that’s only £20 each.

With that in mind- Step up to a £1000 challenge. Make 2013 count by stepping up to Breakthrough’s £1,000 Challenge. Raise money any way, any how to help stop women dying from breast cancer. Once you hit your £1,000 target you can nominate a name of your choice to appear on the Breast Cancer Breakthrough Challengers wall in our Research Centre.

It’s simple to do all you need to do is set up a just giving page and inform me of it so that we can tot it up together. This way we will know collectively how much our cause is raising, but don’t worry you will still be able to have your own name of your choice on the challengers’ wall… If you need help let me know and I can assist…

Alternatively if you do not wish to buy a bracelet or opt for a charity event then all donations are welcome. Please go to our just giving page. Thank you for your support!

Please make donations and payments for bracelets here:

http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/fundraiser-web/fundraiser/showFundraiserProfilePage.action?userUrl=makingtriplenegativeapositive

 

I hope you like the bracelets here they are;

Image 23-07-2015 at 12.46 (1)

 

I hope Simon is propped up at the bar in heaven telling some jokes..Love him. XX

Image 23-07-2015 at 12.45

Hearts for Harz

It’s been a few days since I’ve written my journal. I had a good couple of days finishing off the bracelets. I have mounted them on little cards I designed which have been printed for me and paid for by Pete, however I buggered up and didn’t proof them right and noticed a spelling mistake- argh! I was devastated. Adam who is our friend and works with Pete kindly went back to the printers and told them what I am making them for and they kindly reprinted them for free. I was well chuffed. I never expected that. I’m always overwhelmed by the kindness of people.

I have posted on Facebook that as of Wednesday I am going to be promoting and selling the bracelets. I have had a big response already from interest in people wanting to buy and sell them for me. One lovely group of sisters who lost their mum to triple negative breast canSer are having a fund raiser and want to have some of my bracelets to sell. I feel good. I knew it was a good idea and be known everyone that each and every one has been made with love.

So I am now in Germany, for round two of my vaccinations. But the weekend started on a high before we even left good ol blighty. England won against France at the six nations rugby tournament. That made for a happy house hold.

Coming to Germany is never a hassle except for getting up at 4am to get a 7.55 am flight. By the time I arrive in Duderstadt I am sooo tired. I was in bed by 7.30pm and slept for over 10 hours! Seriously I love sleeping. The beds here despite being traditionally German (separate) have the best mattresses and duvets… Happy cat today!

So what else can I say except since my great news I have been overwhelmed with the support from everyone. Once upon a time I was so negative and segregated from people. What I mean by that is that I thought I didn’t need anyone for support except my man. I never kept in touch with friends and they would come and go out of my life so quickly. Thankfully my true friends are here now and I have never felt so ‘full’. (I have also cut ties with toxic relationships and I feel good about that too)

In the last few days mum and my friend Liz have been putting pictures of me and her on Facebook from our early years mainly in fancy dress, yes, as a hula girl (and a wind up doll- apparently mum did have other fancy dress for me!) I cannot believe how many friends still keep in touch but boy we were cute! Ha ha…

It is seriously snowing here and after my treatment (which consisted of heat treatment up to 42.5 degrees to confuse and shake up the cells and an injection of Newcastle disease virus) we decided to drive to the Harz mountains again for wait for it….. Cafe unt kuchen which translates as coffee and cake. Ok so not part of my normal diet but weighing up the 80/20 rule it had to be done! Oh my, hot apple strudel and coffee.. I was like Hammy from Over the Hedge after. What a sugar and caffeine rush.. I am going to have a crashing low soon I am sure of it! With all the excitement and energy, I have been getting all excited about holidays and destinations I want to travel to. The list is getting longer as well as my to do list such as watching a Shakespeare play in an open air theatre. I have technically done this when I was 11 years old but not as an adult. Also watching opera and more. I’m so excited about the future.

How do I feel since getting the good news last week? Apart from feeling good and initially nervous that what if I am changing things and it may start growing again? I now feel really calm. Not so calm that I become complacent but calm as in being kind to myself. I am still taking everything seriously and I am trying my best everyday but if I don’t feel like exercise or meditation which on Saturday I felt like having a lie in, then I simply go with the flow. That’s one of my affirmations. Let life flow. It’s important for me. Still take every day as it comes and be grateful for every moment on this earth but make plans for the future. I think the biggest thing for me which goes round in my head is that I have the will to live. That’s the most important thing- I have such strong will to live that I actually believe I can beat this. I have a deep feeling of peace and I know I want to be here more than anything. But I do have to say that I wouldn’t be here now if it wasn’t for my Bear. Truly. It’s down to his hard work, his love, commitment and intelligence. Oh plus his skills at driving! There’s no way I could drive in Germany let alone the snow! Ha ha! So that’s that.. All up to date.. Enjoying life. Of course I would love to have the all clear-NOW! But it could be worse and lets face it I get some more time with my boy all on my own.

Tomorrow is vaccination day then our trip back home. Time flies…. But I have so much to squeeze out of life..

Better get planning

I feel chilled and happy.. going on my merry way for now…..

Yesterday I felt pretty tired so didn’t blog.. I had a friend over and in true Kitty and Bear style we had a mini celebration for the small victory!  It had to be done…

I had some sad news yesterday that my friend’s mother passed away from cancer. It came as such as surprise. My friends had tried to ensure I was told with sensitivity so Pete told me about it last night. I was devastated. She was such a lovely person and such a fighter. I tried to spread the love a short while ago by sending her my ‘prayer and promise’ that I say every day and a card with an affirmation in it to give her some strength and hope. She was diagnosed with cancer the same month and year as me. I am so shocked and yet feel so lucky that I am as well as I am, still. I don’t think anyone will ever get used to hearing it despite thinking that it may be imminent. I said a little prayer today. I hope she has found her way safely and that the family can feel peace soon too.

I have been working today doing facials and brows. I love it. I will never tire of seeing my wonderful ladies and doing such a rewarding job. I am even thinking that maybe I could increase my work load now especially as I now know for the next two or three months I will be on oral chemo and going to Germany.

The good news the other day has given me a real boost so I feel motivated to continue doing my rituals every day. I am overwhelmed by the response I got from my good news which I was happy to spread around loudly! Weirdly enough though I still feel very delicate in what I should be doing. What if slight changes will make the canSer grow again? I know it’s worrying for no reason but the next scan whenever that may be is going to be a worrying time. The anticipation of good news. That’s the thing with canSer. It really makes you have to live day to day. The unknown is always round the corner and the fear of what may be is the biggest issue to overcome. I just need to relish the time and successes now.

I have been setting up charity just giving pages today getting ready to inform everyone about making donations and selling bracelets. I think I should wait to sell the bracelets until I get back from Germany next week. But having spoken to friends they are all so willing to help sell them. One friend is even setting up a stall at the school Easter bizarre. Brilliant. I couldn’t ask for more. I hope all 500 go without any trouble!

My nail lady gave me a news article cut out yesterday about an Indian medicine cure used for malaria, that originates from neem tree could also fight cancer cells. US researchers found that the extract known as gedunin attacks the protein that helps protexct cancer cells against drug treatments. Cancer hijacks proteins that protect cells by tricking them into helping the mutated celss stay alive, but the extract fights back against tehse proteins and no effective in killing them. On looking into it furhter it seems it is very useful on cancers that are influenced by hormones. Sadly triple negative breast cancer is not. But great news for other types!

Last night I slept for over ten hours… I love logging my sleep patterns. I feel it is huge success when I sleep well.

I had news also a few days ago that another friend has breast canSer. She has only just been told and has surgery on Monday. I hope that I can help her ask the right questions and help her make the changes so that she doesn’t get to where I am now.  I wish I had known someone like me back then. Maybe I would have listened …or not. It has to be right for the person at the time. All I can do is be here and not overwhelm her with information. That’s the thing in the beginning is that you feel so overcome with info and you don’t know what to do for the best. I say, take every day as it comes and be patient.

Well, I smell of roses after having done a wonderful aromatherapy facial. I feel chilled and happy and I am going to continue on my merry way for a short while at least. I feel so happy that everyone that cares for me and has been worried for me feels happy too. I forget how hard this must be on them too. We can all be happy and thrilled for now anyway! It’s bloody working… That’s all there is to it. More running man me thinks!

Light and Love. X

The results are in……..

Well what can I say.. Today is one of those days that I have something good to write about.

The day has been looming for a week. Initially at the time of my scan I felt deep inside that everything was going to be ok but as the week wore on I let my head get the better of me and whether its self preservation I started to fear the worst. This morning I felt like I was having a nervous breakdown and I felt so sick on the way to hospital with so much adrenalin rushing round my body.

The journey to the hospital should have been a sign. It took me 20 minutes door to door.. Amazing. All the traffic lights were green and the day has been absolutely gorgeous here, bright and sunny and almost warm enough to sit out in it.

Pete met me there and he gave me a pep talk as usual to calm me down. He said that no matter what the results say we will keep on working, that I feel great and that warrants a lot, I can deal with the disease much better if I feel good, and he reminded me that today is really the only important day to think about, not tomorrow or next week as today is the day we are living… I know he is right. Once I got that in my head I calmed down. In the waiting room, we met an old friend of Pete’s with his wife who has leukaemia. She too looks well and they are having their own battle with what treatment is available to them. They are not t simply taking what one consultant tells them as they have told her she is too old for a bone marrow transplant at 70 years old. They have changed consultants and feel better knowing they have a plan.

We were only there for ten minutes when I had to have my usual weigh in ( to see if I am losing weight- indicates illness) and the nurse asked me who I would like to see today; Prof Harris, Nicky Levitt or Dr Lord (whom I haven’t met before). Well that’s a first and also very kind of the nurse to ask as she must be well aware of how I feel about them. From that list I chose Prof Harris and immediately wondered if I had chosen the right one. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to have confrontation and go over old ground. Pete said I had chosen the right one so that was good. No sooner had I chosen we were asked to go through to see him. Wow that is the quickest I have ever gone through to my appointment.

Prof Harris came in looking rather dapper I must say with a purple leopard print tie! I told him I loved the tie.. I couldn’t help myself. He sat down and within an instance told us it was GOOD news!

I turned to Pete whose eyes had already filled with tears (he won’t admit it was tears because he is a bear and they don’t cry- ha-ha!) Prof Harris had printed me a copy of the report which I must say was slightly more detailed than the last I have had. The upshot of it was that it looks like the capecitibine chemo drugs are working. The lung nodes have all decreased in size for example the largest was 14mm is now 9mm. The pretracheal node which measured 23 x 16 mm is now 9 x mm and so too have all the other nodes decreased on size. The pericardial effusion (fluid round my heart) has also decreased. Plus there has been no spread to any other organs or bones that they can see.  The overall impression is that it is an interval disease response.

Well whatever you call it it’s bloody brilliant news! I knew it really deep down that it was going to be good news. I had a strong feeling last week but of course doubted myself just in case I was wrong like I have been I the past. I have to listen to my body more.

Needless to say Prof Harris said, ‘Go on then off you go. See you in three weeks.’

I collected my chemo drugs which I start tomorrow and I have never been so keen to get onto them again! This is exactly what I needed. I needed to kick start everything and not get complacent. The Prof said that exercise and eating well is key. He said that my current weight will be helping me with coping with the drugs and combating the canSer.

Well as soon as I left his office whilst waiting to have my bloods taken I text all my nearest and dearest and have been simply bursting with happiness and smiles all afternoon.

I am overwhelmed with the comments and support I have today on facebook too… Brings a happy tear to my eye…. but most of all I just feel like dancing!! So the running man it is in my kitchen. Whoop!

 

I have everything crossed….

It’s been a few days and I always think when I am not blogging then I must be living a lot! Friday was a lovely day. I had a mammoth shop in a health food shop (sorry Pete!) then went for my monthly reflexology treatment. Once again it was amazing and I had real trouble staying awake. I hate falling asleep during treatments.. I don’t want to miss it all.. Claire said that she felt my feet were pretty good and that my kidneys seemed to be struggling a little bit and that I ought to drink a lot more water. I have been drinking immense amounts of water recently but maybe the chemo drugs and the new meds I am taking could be making it difficult for my kidneys.. Either that or too much alcohol. Claire says she doesn’t want to give me false hope but really struggles to feel anything in my lung region. I hope that she is right.

Alcohol is one of my bug bears.. I love it but deep down I know I shouldn’t drink as much. I can’t help but think of the government warnings and always think I am drinking too much but I drink so much less than I used to. Part of me wishes I could be really strong and not drink but the other part of me loves a glass of bubbles! If I really knew that alcohol was damaging me then of course I would knock it on the head but the info is so conflicting. I don’t drink any caffeine at present and I am vegan, surely that is good for me?! Well I feel well and that’s that.

This weekend we didn’t have anything planned and as the weather turned out to be rather spring like I got my list of chores drawn and out we went to the garden. Poor Old Pete. Never gets much down time but there is always so much to do. It feels really good knowing that much of the list has been crossed off. We always reward ourselves. Pete watched rugby and I well, snuffled up to him watching rugby!

One of my other goals this weekend was to start planning our next trips away. It’s hard always planning ahead. I really quite like being a bit more spontaneous and what with having treatment in Germany and not knowing what is going to happen next with chemo and whether I will have further chemo restricting me from travelling.. I guess that’s what life is all about.. Let life flow. That’s one thing I have to master. I cannot control anything it seems and maybe I would feel more chilled out if I did simply let it flow more.

I have had a conference call with Jo from Breast Cancer Breakthrough and Pete today. We have been discussing ways of fund raising whereby we can involve many people. Jo is lovely and I feel really motivated since our chat. I have a plan.. sort of.

I have finally finished making the wish bracelets and now have to tie them all onto the cards I have made. This could take a while but at least I am getting there. I have missed reading though. Making bracelets has been time consuming and I am behind on my books. I often feel like that if I don’t concentrate enough on recovering fully from canSer that I am neglecting my duties.. Silly really especially as every night when I lie awake I dedicate so much time to visualising on my lungs and lymphatic system.

Yes still we are not sleeping enough. Valentine’s Day night was the only night last week that we both slept soundly I think. I put it down to the light meal, the hot bath with Epsom salts ad the aromatherapy back massage. It worked a treat. Sleeping like babies.. I think it is probably worrying that keeps me awake. In fact this morning I felt so rotten that I actually felt sickly in my tummy. It took a few hours but then I started feeling fine again. Phew.. I don’t like feeling sick.

My hands have recovered from the soreness and the side effects of chemo. I have been using a combination of creams that really seem to work; Neutrogena (which isn’t chemical free but really works) and Dr Bronners lavender and coconut hand and body lotion. Amazing.

Tonight I am definitely going to sleep. We are having a light dinner, no caffeine or drinks before bed and the oils will be infusing in the room. Tomorrow is the day for my scan results. I have to say I feel terrible at the thought of them but I have been trying to keep positive and really hope for the best. The anticipation is just too much. I think a week is too long to wait for results….. I think I may ask tomorrow if next time I can have the results over the phone as soon as the report is ready then there won’t be a week of dread.

I have everything crossed.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Happy Valentine’s Day!

I was greeted this morning by some lovely little gifts (the theme was hearts) from my Bear and the most beautifully written card. Bless him. He always makes such an effort. Sleep wasn’t his friend last night. It so unfair seeing him so concerned about everything but most of all about me. We talk often about not wanting to be alone in this life or the next but realise that one day it will happen (hopefully in many years to come) but all the same it is going to happen. We wonder how we will be able to find each other.. It might sound morbid discussing it but we all think it and maybe never discuss it-usually. I know this isn’t the tone of the blog you want on Valentine’s Day but this is how it manifested itself this morning for us. We have more love than we know what to do with – at times I honestly think I might suffocate from the cuddles and love- this is not a complaint of course. smiley-laughing.gif Every day it grows stronger and every day the fear of being alone grows bigger. Silly- worrying is like wishing for what you don’t want to happen and fear is such a negative emotion. Of course these chats and thoughts are often fleeting but still they are there, usually finished with a big snuffle and talk of everything’s going to be ok.

My day has been lovely, I have been working briefly today and for the first time in months did a facial. It’s such a lovely treatment but I do understand why the psychic lady warned me against offering many of these kinds of treatments due to the fact that they will deplete me and my energy. I feel great right now though and it’s like another little world inside my treatment room. I get all excited and start thinking about working full time again. I really feel there is a future; I just hope it is true.

Tonight we are not having any posh dinner or drink or anything, I am going to do Pete a lovely back massage and then I want him to have a big old soak in the tub to relax his weary muscles, then for some action on TV watching James Bond.. Well it’s kind of romantic?!*

Anyway I want to spread the love and did a little picture……..

Love you!

Make a wish, three wishes, something about wishes anyway….

Sleep update.. I had about 11 hours sleep last night! Yay! I needed it and I probably could have slept for longer. It was probably the amazing pancakes that did it… Kitty that got the cream mmm.

So today I have been less sleepy and more focussed. I feel pretty balanced today. It was good I wasn’t sleepy as I headed off to Farnham for my acupuncture treatment. It is now every three weeks which really works for me and I am not sure if maybe I needed it sooner but I felt good when I left there today.

Generally my energy still feels strong but Michael worked on my lung points to strengthen them. I think that’s great considering I have been feeling tired recently and with all the alcohol I drank last week I thought I may have been a bit floopy.

I had a call late yesterday from Lynsey, Prof Harris’ secretary at the Churchill Hospital. I emailed her regarding the letter I got stating that I had liver metastases which is news to me! Prof Harris wanted me to know that he has checked my notes and he confirms that I certainly do not have liver metastases. On telling Pete he said that’s great news, Prof Harris must have checked my scan from Monday too? I doubt it… That I will need to wait now till Tuesday for.

I still feel pretty calm about that too. I am not sure why? I always end up being so shocked and wonder if I should prepare myself more by thinking it could be worse but then goes against everything I believe in right now. I am trying to think and visualise that it has gone and isn’t growing back, that my cells and immunity have sorted themselves out and that the mutation in there won’t happen again.

In the last couple of days my kitty has been extra ultra uber cute.. If that’s possible.  Even now whilst typing this she is on the desk under my nose trying to get in the way. I love her for that. I really see myself in her mannerisms! Ha ha! If I want attention that’s the sort of thing I would do! (Don’t try to imagine it the mental picture may scare you!) I wonder why she wants to be so close to us right now? What does she know that we don’t? Maybe she wants MORE food! Ha ha!

I’ve had a few friends I went to school with contact me recently and I am planning on seeing a very old friend that lived with me and my parents when I was only 14 or 15 so that she could finish her GCSE’s as her family were moving. I’m really excited. That’s the great thing about Facebook. I get to remember great memories and rekindle old friendships, even from primary school. That’s how I reconnected to my best friend Liz. We have been friends since we were born. Our birthdays are two days apart. We lived about 300 metres apart on the same road, went to the same school until we moved when I was 11 years old. We then saw each other intermittently but it had been around 15 years till I sent her a message the day before I got married then we became friends on Facebook. We have since  been in contact all the time. In fact the psychic lady I saw in November asked me if I was getting married.  Obviously not, as I’m married already. Then a week later my best friend got engaged.. Ahhh.

My favourite memory I like to quote from our childhood is that Liz had great fancy dress parties for her birthday. She looked brilliant dressed as an indian squaw and even Wonder Woman! But I always went as the same thing- a hula hula girl! Me in a bikini with a crepe paper skirt and flowers round my neck and one in my hair. Very inventive you might think!? Yes, but every year? Thanks mum. Bless her, she was busy with six of us and the shop next door sold crepe paper. Ha ha! Cracking up at myself. I will find a photo one day and show you all.

Speaking of the psychic another thought popped into my mind yesterday about what she said. She asked me if I was doing any charity work and said, ‘Make a Wish, three Wishes, something to do with wishing anyway’. And then it occurred to me that I am making ‘make a wish’ or ‘wish’ bracelets to sell for charity. I suppose it could be coincidence? I like to believe. She also mentioned April. Not sure which year whether it’s past or up and coming but I am intrigued……..

My hands are getting sorer. I have been trying to ignore any side effects of chemo but I have to admit they are looking rather red and the skin is getting sore and cracked. Yesterday also my big toenails ripped and lifted halfway down my toes.. Not good. Oh well it’s a while till I wear flip flops again!

I’m going to have a muscle relaxing Epsom bath tonight. I need my muscles soothed. I haven’t exercised today mainly due to leaving early to get to Farnham but also as I feel achy.. neck, butt, lower legs… running and me don’t get on. I’m a resistance girl mainly or rebounder. Stick to what I know. Back to Davina tomorrow. She makes me laugh. 🙂

I’m a bit late for lunch now but I’m off to fill my face. What’s new eh? At least my appetite isn’t affected!

Cuddled at 3am like Scrat from Ice Age and his nut…….

I woke up at 3am this morning. Not sure why, I fell asleep at 8pm and had to be woken up to watch the last episode of Lewis. Unfortunately me waking up also wakes Pete up and as he had so much on his mind he didn’t go back to sleep either. Oops. We are going to hanging by this evening.

 

There is an upside to being awake so early- I get the most amounts of cuddles. In fact over the last few years the cuddles have gotten more intense! So much so I imagine we look much like Scrat the squirrel from the animated movie Ice Age. I am the nut he constantly chases and holds really tight! I almost think Pete’s eyes are bulging too! Ha ha!

Pete caved after a while and decided he would get up and start work.. That’s the way the head goes sometimes I guess. I simply cannot stop thinking about making wish bracelets.. bizarre. (I have made a further batch today and the printing of the cards they will attach to, have gone to print today. So it’s coming together.)

Pete says whilst he is laying in the dark he simply wishes for me to be better and so that I don’t have to go through all this. He thinks wishing is almost like worrying and is a pointless exercise. Still he can’t help but do it.

It’s funny because I make wishes a lot..at every opportunity.. an eyelash on the face.. quick make a wish and blow it away. What do I wish for? Well normally that the treatment that I am having is working and that the canSer will go into remission and I can live my life in peace with a bright future. In fact the term I use is to be canSer free. But maybe I should wish for something more positive such as peace, love, happiness, joy, self acceptance and the one that really gets me; peace of mind. That’s what I want to have .. Peace of mind and to let life flow without fear.

There has been something interesting bits in the media today particularly about a young lad called Jack Andraka. Jack is a scientist and innovator.  And his work on creating a simple test for the identification of pancreatic, lung and ovarian cancer is simply amazing.

Here are some of his facts:

-His test is 168 times faster than what is currently available

-It’s 26,000 times less expensive.  That’s not a typo.
-And it’s potentially almost 100% accurate.

Amazing and he is only 15 years old.

Here’s the full article;
http://www.forbes.com/sites/johnnosta/2013/02/01/cancer-innovation-and-a-boy-named-jack/

I love news like this.. So exciting… there has to be cure for every single canSer… there just has to be… but as it seems it isn’t going to one thing. It will be combination of things. Someone needs to look at it differently and realise there will never a drug or treatment that will cure everyone with the same canSer because we are all different. Unique. Plus having the will to live. That’s a biggy.

So today is Pancake Day and I am so looking forward to my tea! I’m having gluten and wheat free pancakes using buckwheat flour with nut milk, and dressed with lemon, cinnamon and maybe a little agave. Mmmmm.

Today is my last day of chemo for another week-Woohoo!

I hope the Bear hurries home!