This weekend has been a good wholesome weekend doing things like baking spelt biscuits without sugar in… I didn’t do that Pete did. I’m not much of a cook! Soo tasty.. so much so I have put on a few pounds! Ha ha!
Saturday was fun. Apart from getting my morning rituals done we went along to a crystal shop and bought a few bits and bobs to help us along the way. I like the energy and having them around so we stocked up on things that are good for optimism, clearing negative energy and reducing stress levels. (Pete has one for his office!)
On returning home my oldest and dearest friend arrived with her hubby to be. They were in the vicinity organising their big day… So exciting!! We chatted for hours as we always do… A lazy Saturday afternoon.
There are many people in our lives at present all being affected by canSer, mothers, fathers, close friends, colleagues. News today of more progression of the disease in our friends relative really startled me a bit. I always look on the bright side but to be told a number of times in a few days of bad news really shook me up a bit. It makes the realisation of the disease and the possible outcome so much closer to home. I forget everything I am doing and just become a scared bunny rabbit in the head lights. I know it shouldn’t have that affect and I have been feeling so very settled and happy recently. It didn’t last too long but certainly puts the fear of God into me. That scan is looming in three weeks.
Some days I honestly can tell you I will be living till I am 100 and I am going to kick it this year. Then I get all fearful and think, ‘oh my god…. it could be me next’. I harp on about this but this is as hard for the canSer relatives as it is the patients. I spoke to Pete about how it made me feel when I woke up Sunday morning. He said it plays on his mind too when we get news from other people. But we have to remind ourselves of all the positive things that we are doing. Pete said we could happily live like this forever. The canSer doesn’t affect me and I am not ill as such. I agree but I so worry about living scan to scan. He reminded me it would be like that even if the canSer goes into remission. I keep thinking it would be good to have a sign.. Something to give me a heads up that things are going in the right direction. I try to think that the fact I haven’t got any symptoms should be enough but it isn’t. The reality is that if I hadn’t had a scan back in July I would be none the wiser now. Anyway enough of that dwelling.
Sunday was lovely -we celebrated the christening of a good friend’s baby and met lots of friends we hadn’t seen for some time. These sorts of things always have me thinking I don’t want to leave the comfort and bliss of my home and weekend with my hubby.. (Selfish I know) but I am always so pleased that I went. It’s the first time I have been to church in a long time; singing hymns and praying out loud. Of course I pray every day at home.
Today my prayers are with the family of a friend whose father has passed suddenly. Nothing I can say will make things better but my heart and thoughts are there.
Today I am working and looking forward to seeing more old friends.. but most of all (again selfishly) I cannot wait to see my Bear. I wish things were easier on him. Work is tough with so many responsibilities, home life is off the scale with worry… and all I can do is give him love. That’s all that matters at the end of each day. I give one of the best cuddles…so hopefully that makes up for the day he may have had.
I have decided I am going to make wish bracelets for charity. I want to raise funds for the Cancer Vaccine Institute as well as Marie Curie Cancer Care. I thought if I made bracelets by hand with love that people may want to buy them to show their support. I am looking forward to getting started and I need to design a card for them to go on.. so watch this space…
I had thought about organising an event like a roller disco. It’s something I really want to do, dress up and have such a laugh but at the same time raise money but I am worried it will be a flop and I don’t want the stress and worry of it failing. I know it’s a cop out but the future is so uncertain and I don’t know how I will feel, or if I will be on more chemo. I know I shouldn’t let that stop me.. Maybe it won’t.