Why do I want things I can’t have?

Our Easter weekend is filled with home improvements. I was told that Easter is the busiest time for the DIY stores, a bit like Christmas is for retail stores. Today we have been painting our spare room. I love making changes to things and making things ‘better’. For a while I thought what is the point of doing that? It’s a waste of time and money, especially in my circumstances but to make it normal and feel like I did before I think I have continue doing things that I used to do. And anyone that knows me knows that I am forever improving my home one way or another. I like to keep things fresh and I believe our house is really homely. (That’s another word for cluttered! Haha!) I like the idea of rooms being themed and this room is going to Balinese or Scottish themed. I know, two very different ideas but they are based around a British plum coloured feature wall.The best bit of DIYing is dancing to really good tunes at the same time! Ive been getting my groove on all afternoon. Amazing how 8 hours goes so fast!

We started off slowly today though. We had a bit of a lie in and needed to go to the shops to buy our materials. I always feel a bit rushed when doing these kinds of jobs. I just want to get them done. The great thing with painting is that it’s instant and you can see a complete change instantly. I am already thinking of the furniture it will need in there. And this frustrates me more as everything takes so long once ordered. I am not sure why I am feeling so impatient at the moment.

I’m also feeling a bit like I want to eat everything in sight and that includes everything I have been avoiding for some time. I feel like I am being a bit naughty every day one way or another. Maybe having a coffee or havinga hot cross bun (what? It fell in my mouth!) But I am aware that I should maybe try a bit harder. I watched Meatloaf on TV last night and he mentioned that he is avoiding gluten and potatoes and rice etc as he is trying to reduce inflammation in his body. This was a reminder of why I need to do that too. Chronic inflammation is what causes disease in our bodies. It sounds odd but it’s true. This is where the good ol’ alkaline diet comes in. And I do stick it profoundly but I have been feeling like I just want to eat different things. I don’t even like MacDonald’s but I find myself craving egg mcmuffins! I think it is because in my head I am well. I don’t have canSer and that now I can be a bit flexible in what I do. This scares me. I don’t want to let things go back to the way they were and I don’t know still if the canSer is there or not. In my gut it has gone but our bodies are sneaky things. We have no idea really what is going on inside.

This need to make changes and craving other foods is really causing me issues in the mornings. I have really gone off my green juices. I am actually starting to dread them and feel like they are medicine. They were never really tasty but I liked the way they would make me feel. I feel brighter and cleansed and full of energy but I don’t have any real boost when I have them now. I think maybe my body is used to them. The thing is my green juice is just that- full of green vegetables. I don’t like fruit in them as it tastes too sweet. But here’s another weird thing I am craving more sugary things. Kris Carr says in her books that sugar is like ‘crack’. It is, I know it is, but maybe because it is Easter I want a crème egg! I have my dark chocolate as mentioned before but it’s not cutting it. I know Pete feels the same. Despite him being a good boy I know he really wants one too. I don’t know where this need to feel like I am having a treat comes from as I constantly have treats. I mean it was only a few days ago I was in Germany having lovely meals out with my man. I think life is such a struggle for many of us these days that we now live in a culture of treating ourselves regularly. I mean I know many of us have a mid week drink and go out for dinner weekly. It’s common place to always be celebrating. Look at many pubs and they do 50% off champagne on Wednesday evenings! Who drinks champagne on a Wednesday just for the sake of it? Ok I did for many years but that was being totally decadent.


As well as this I have been feeling a bit off today. I feel like I want something and don’t know what. I think deep down I feel like wanting to know I haven’t got canSer anymore. A big ask I know. I’m not sure why? Of course the obvious but even if they told me it wasn’t any present more I still technically have canSer that could return at any time. Life will never be calm will it? Will there ever be a time when I can say, ‘bugger it I’m having a bit doorstop of bread with thickly spread butter? There is always going to be the question of what is working and what isn’t. I truly believe that diet is important but it’s different for everyone. Kris Carr knows that diet is the thing that has stopped her canSer progressing. But triple negative is different apparently. I am not totally sure that a little carbohydrate will hurt me anyone with triple negative. Surely she has some sugar sometimes as she has recipes in her books that are tasty sweet desserts and smoothies with fruits in. I think I need to stop thinking about food and worrying about what will be and go and find the Bear for a cuddle.

It dawned on me last night that I haven’t had any weird morbid thoughts recently. The ones that really bothered and I would picture the most random bad stuff happening to me. This was one of the things I went to see Mark Newey for and had hypnotherapy . He said at the time I probably wouldn’t feel any major changes and it would be subtle and then one day it would occur to me. Well it has. It has occurred to me that I do feel calmer and more level headed and those weird nasty thoughts no longer plague me. This is amazing! I never doubted the therapy would work but I didn’t have any high expectations either. Maybe that’s why I feel odd at the moment. For the past 8-9 months I have been battling every day really trying hard to make sure I am making every effort to heal myself one way or another. Now I think a lot of it is second nature. When I wake up I instantly think of my prayer and promise. Then whilst waiting for my hot drink in bed (I know pampered aren’t I?) I may do my visualisations.  My morning rituals are second nature now too. So everything I have been striving to do is being done. I suppose I am used to really having to make an effort for me to believe that I can get well again and now that I am not making an effort I am feeling like something is amiss. Maybe the something that is amiss should be replaced with the knowledge that everything is being done at the best of my abilities.  I do feel strangely relaxed. But I don’t want to become complacent. I can’t afford to. But I am having some much fun with life right now and having normality in it is comforting for me and my family and my Bear. God knows we need normality. Whatever that is! Here’s to having a normal life! Yeha!

Have a cracking Easter! No chocolate eggs for me though……

Today has been busy! I’ve decided that from now on I will be working a few afternoons a week. The main reasons are to get some normality in my life, for money and because I love it! I have had 7 clients this afternoon all of which have rebooked. I have been so blessed with this business. I am totally passionate about it. I get to chat girly gossip, make women look and feel amazing and I work from my home environment. What could be better?

I’ve been thinking a lot today about the news last night. Researchers have stated that there are 49 new genetic faults that appear to drive the breast canSer. Women who inherit most of these have a 30% chance of developing the disease, more than three times the national average. Some of the faults were only predictive of the most aggressive, and dangerous, form of the cancer, called oestrogen receptor negative breast cancer.

Blimey.. That’s outrageous isn’t it but so very exciting?! Treatments can be individualised and hopefully drugs or treatments can prevent many women from actually getting breast canSer. It does feel like science maybe catching up at las don’t you think?

I have received more mail from my new followers and friends. Helen Whetton is trying to raise one million pence to raise money for breast cancer charities. She seems unstoppable and is not only going to attempt to run the marathon and trying to organise a charity ball but is now organising a quiz night. The poster is attached. I feel all a bit tingly with how many people are raising funds and getting involved with charity fundraising. I just love it.

I started my day as normal with meditation. I am now on week three of the Deepak Chopra perfect health challenge. Today’s centring thought: ‘My little changes amount to big benefits.’ Today’s mantra is; ‘Everything I desire is within me’. I couldn’t agree more!

Tonight Pete is out and I am going to finish work at about 6.30pm so I think a soothing soak in the tub is in order. I still scrub every day and at the same time do my affirmations( I sound mad talknig to myself but hey ho) so tonight I am going to clear my thoughts, soothe my aching back and detox with some Epsom salts.

Easter is this weekend. I won’t be having normal Easter eggs sadly. I have got myself a bar of dark organic chocolate. This is important in the diet apparently so I will indulge a little bit. I won’t be indulging in alcohol though. Pete is on a new regime and I really need not to drink as much, according to the scientists on TV. Sometimes it sucks. I love champagne! Champagne is the answer! Most of the time. I have decided that this weekend to fill our time we will be decorating, creating mocktails Bear style, planning holidays( hopefully booking some- nudge nudge wink wink Pete!) and generally getting things done and not being tempted by anything! We will see how long that lasts…..

Have a cracking Easter break all!

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Laughter is the best medicine

Laughter is the best medicine. All part of my ten point plan- mental fitness, staying happy is right up there in getting well and staying well. Life is far too serious even more so when you have canSer or live with someone who has canSer. I’m sure there are statistics and studies on how laughter actually increases the immune system and helps heal a person. Instead of boring you with those facts I just want to tell you from my own experience- Laughter definitely makes you feel good, full of beans and let’s you forget your worries. A bit like being absorbed in a movie, a bit of escapism and forgetting your own woes. (I do this watching The Holiday with Jude Law in it! Nudge nudge, wink wink girls- Emma and Liz you know what I mean! Ha ha) Last night Pete, myself and friends watched a live comedy show, Mickey Flanagan actually. Oh my how my cheeks hurt from laughing so much. An awesome show. I think I like him and his material so much because of my east London roots and the way Mickey talks. (No I am not from Essex Mr G! I lived on the outskirts, right on the boundaries.. I cannot express enough I am not an Essex girl even if I do act like one sometimes! 🙂 )

I laughed for nearly three hours solid. I can’t remember the last time I did that! I’m still buzzing with happiness. 

Right now I’m sat in a hotel near Heathrow airport. We fly out to Germany tomorrow for my third round of dendritic cell therapy and Newcastle disease virus. I’m already missing my kitty and being at home but I keep thinking that maybe if I’m strong enough that next month may be my last for a while. As much as I am thrilled that I am able to have this treatment going every month can be quite demanding not to mention so expensive. 

Once I have had all four vaccines I will have a ct scan to see if it’s all working still if not better than before. I can’t help but think how good I feel mentally and physically. Ok I have had days of tiredness but other than that I can’t complain. The only other thing wrong with me is my butt aching! I did a thirty minute legs routine yesterday followed with thirty minutes of yoga… Seriously ow! Squats, lunges and high kicks. Well it must have raised my metabolism as I have been hungry and eating loads since and I’m sure I’m not increasing weight!( I know weight isn’t something to worry about unless I lose a lot but old habits die hard!)

So the Bear and I will hopefully sleep really well. Better than one of our other airport hotel stays I hope. We were woken at 2am by the fire alarm. I love hotel beds. The covers are soft and luxurious and the beds are usually huge….. Must not sleep yet!!! I’m really looking forward to the hotel in Duderstadt. It’s different to our usual one- a bit of a treat with a pool and sauna. If the weather is as dreary as here then tomorrow I will enjoying the facilities! Yeha!

I’ve been getting more emails from other canSer survivors. I really do feel comforted, empowered and ever more driven to keep going. I owe it to them all! And I’m so pleased people find comfort in my blogs. Silly really as all I’m doing is writing my journal….

So things to do more of; drawing, make bracelets and sleep! Oh and cuddles with my man. Where is he? 


I’ve been in touch with my ‘Soul Sister’!

I have been at mums for a few days and as usual I never want to leave. There is nothing like being in your parents’ company. Well looked after and always cosy. I love her home and all her bits and pieces lying around. Properly comfortable and lived in.

I still managed to DO my rituals and mum joined me in meditation and yoga. These things are catching. Once one gets on the band wagon everyone seems to get on board. It’s infectious. I take it all as a compliment. I must be looking well if people want to emulate it.

We managed to do lots of my ten point plan mainly physical, mental, and nutritional but helping me with my self esteem we had to do some retail therapy… again! Sorry Pete! I am very excited with my purchases. I have discovered through the last few years but mostly the last nine months that I look quite quirky and my old fashioned hairdo has been replaced with an odd funky one. I like the new me. I feel comfortable in baggy harem style jeans but when I get the choice dressing up glam is so totally exciting. I love clothes… (Everyone knows this especially as I constantly have clear outs as my poor wardrobes heave) I must do some kind of charity drive with regards to my clothes. I must get my thinking cap on.

As mum did all the driving over the last few days I got to check email and I have been receiving a few lovely emails from people that have found my blog and website. One lady called Leticia Croft Holguin who lives in the USA contacted me and told me her story. She has a blog and a book in the US.  She found she had triple negative breast canSer when was pregnant. I couldn’t even comprehend this. But overcoming hardship she’s thriving today and has written a book to help children understand canSer.  It’s called Cancer starts with a C and is illustrated too. What a great idea?! Here is a link to her book;



Then I got another email titled ‘Soul Sisters’ from a lovely lady who lives here in the UK. We are of similar age and our stories are almost identical in when we found canSer and had treatment etc. The difference with this wonderful lady is that she luckily took matters into her own hands when it was found the second time and had a mastectomy and then embarked on alternative and complementary treatments. The canSer has not metastasised thankfully but she has still gone and had dendritic cell therapy with the one and only Dr Nesselhut in Duderstadt! Oh my! I was so taken back and absolutely thrilled. It reinforces what I am doing and gives me more hope for the future. Since this she has also changed her life for the better. She has introduced a more spiritual way of life along with nutritional changes including supplements and so on. Wow. I knew what was working for me couldn’t be a one off. What I felt most encouraged by was how she said that when she read my blogs that it was as if she had written it. The thoughts, feelings and ups and downs were the same as how she feels. I love this. This spurs me on and makes me realise there must be others like us.  I feel this whole sisterhood is materialising and that together we can shout our small victories from the roof tops! I am getting all over excited.

Any way back to reality and things are great. I am back home where I belong and my kitty is happy sitting by my side and my Bear is coming home to give me a cuddle as ‘I’ must need them..Ha-ha!  Bless him. No shame in needing cuddles.  You know nothing can get me down. All this talk (or moaning I should say) about the dreary weather. But is it worth moaning about? Yep, I agree it’s not great and as reminded by mum this time last year we were sunbathing in her back garden but that’s life. Everything is different. I would much rather be living in a climate like Ibiza but we don’t we live here in good old blighty. We have to make the most of what we have got and be thankful that things aren’t worse. That’s the biggest lesson I have learnt since I ‘woke up’ and realised that life was going to be taken from me if I didn’t start living, is gratitude.  Gratitude makes you happy. It’s impossible not be happy when you are grateful. Immediately a smile creeps across your face and you feel calm. If I were in a Disney animation birds would be singing, rabbits hopping, and I would be singing at the top of my lungs and cracking windows! Ha-ha! Life is brilliant if you can see the good things out there. Like I have said a million times… ‘No one said it was going to be easy’. But to add on that saying, but boy it could be fun and filled with love and gratitude.  Happy thoughts and feelings. Long may they continue.

I’m off to wait by the front door like an excited puppy for my One to come home.  J

I feel good.. nanananana na! So good.. so good… ..

Well so far today has been brilliant. I feel happy and motivated and full of beans for the first time in a few days. I am always reasonably motivated and happy but today more so. I was woken at 5am with the most amount of cuddles and little messages of love in my ear. I get woken like this every day but today I actually felt awake myself (I’d had a good 7 hours sleep infused with frankincense and camomile before bed and only a light veggie meal for tea)rather than feeling very drowsy and sleepy and wishing I had more time in bed. I actually thought it was much later than it was.. I have to admit I did feel a bit cheated out of my extra few hours in bed but when you feel this good then what’s the point in hanging around? So everything has happened a bit earlier than normal today; meditation (which was really good today), exercise ( good old Davina and boot camp style exercise followed by half hour of Tara Styles yoga- she’s really good) then onto my heat and air then smoothie and supplements and then getting myself ready for my clients this afternoon. I have also got ready for the next few days as this evening after my last client I will be driving down to visit my mummy! Yay! I am looking forward to it but it makes me laugh every time I go down. I pack as if I am moving in.

So today all in all has been really good mental fitness- part of the ten point plan. To top that I had time to start considering my next holiday (of course if our funds can stretch that far what with going to Germany every month) I want a holiday a month! Who doesn’t right? Well I am hoping to go somewhere hot in May and then July make our annual trip to the White Isle hopefully and then later in the summer take Pete’s daughter away to spend some quality time together. Then after that the list goes on… but let’s not get too excited. Of course I think about booking and planning things all with an air of trepidation. I am assuming everything will be ok and nothing is going to stop me but I have to be fluid. This word keeps popping up in my head. Fluid is the best way to describe our situation. I cannot be and shouldn’t be rigid and cannot be hard and fast on any decision. But that’s’ ok I guess. I am hoping I won’t be going back to Germany every month after May (when my next scan will be) every hopeful and ever excited for the future. I reckon Pete and I deserve a bit of down time. Our friend says we have been on ‘red alert’ for so many years that eventually we could burn out. I totally agree. I wonder if that’s why I feel so tired at the moment. The bear said that for the first time in ages I have had good news and just for a while, a little while my body and mind agree it’s time to take a step back.. Hell yeah! I agree. I don’t find things so much of chore these days. My rituals flow and I feel like my daily prayer and promise just get said as soon as I wake up and then my visualisations happen when I least expect it. I don’t have to try really hard right now. I just hope it’s enough.

I received a letter from breast cancer breakthrough thanking me for the money they have received so far from the bracelets and kind donations that has been made. They are thrilled with my or should I say our efforts and have given me three forms to complete so that I can dedicate my challenge to someone special and be featured on their wall. I am very excited about this but am stuck. I hadn’t considered who to donate it. I think I should take some time to consider this. I haven’t got anyone directly to me that has died of breast cancer (except my Nan when I was little girl- but I don’t remember her) I think that I want to dedicate to everyone that has been helping me. Including gift aid they say I have raised a whopping £3357.50! Woohoo! Well this should keep climbing as I have more to sell and more to be made.

The cancer vaccine institute want me to send some bracelets there so that they can sell them on their website. This is too cool! Before I know I will need to think of the next thing that can be sold so that I can continue to raise money… an anklet?! Ok lacking imagination right now but I have been up since 5am!

Anyway got to go my client is about to arrive and I must put on my leopard print apron.. I know a mental image is hilarious! I love animal print.. Nothing wrong with that!



Immune system is best cancer fighter, ‘milestone’ reaserch confirms

Friday night was expected.. a battle to watch Comic relief and trying to stay awake. I managed to stay awake until 10pm and must have cried at every heart wrenching vt they showed. I have to admit there are times when I just think to myself.. what sort of world do we live in? It’s so cruel in so many ways. It’s hard to understand what it’s all about?! And there is where that thought has to stop because if we really start going there then the whole will to live just drops off the face of the earth.


Saturday was a brilliant day. I did some ‘therapy’ and got all creative practising a wedding make up on my best friend. (It went very well, even if I do say so myself) Pete became the usual excited host and presented us with cocktails and champagne. So much for not drinking but I always feel that it’s rude to decline and actually it goes back to the ten point plan.. A little of what you want is good for you. (I keep telling myself this at weekends!) Let’s face it, I have reduced my alcohol intake massively compared to what I used to drink and it goes in fits and starts as to the amount I do drink. Pete and I did feel decidedly drunk and watching England play Wales at rugby didn’t help.. Boo. (England step up!)That said the day after the night before we are increasingly starting the day by saying we don’t need alcohol any more. It doesn’t have the same effect it did years ago. Maybe we have got old? Or maybe we have just found there are other ways to feel really good. Either way, it’s progress.

Anyway, back to going to bed early. I had the best night sleep on Friday night. I slept about 10 hours and having had no alcohol. I am convinced that this helps my slumber. I felt amazing on Saturday morning and before Liz arrived for some female (and Bear) bonding I did all my rituals and got stuck into my new DVD of yoga. I have mentioned her, Tara Styles, before but as there are 4 DVDs in the package I am having a new experience every time.  I am still finding it hard to think of yoga as exercise, but if all the yogis and yoga enthusiasts are anything to go by then yoga is definitely enough exercise.

Pete made me a brilliant smoothie for me that morning. I am finding that juicing is turning my stomach at the moment. I don’t think it is the veggies that I use I think it is more the supplements powders that turn me more green than normal. Pete’s smoothie consisted of avocado, spinach, apple, dates, ginger and nut milk with flaxseed in it. I added all my powders too. It was very tasty! Having a smoothie is great alternative to a juice. I don’t usually have fruits and I did find it a tad sweet but in the nature of having some fruits with their peel/kinds on I know that the sugars get broken down differently to when they are purely just the fruit. This is what the dietician told me.

Sunday we awoke to a blizzard. A snow blizzard. The weather is freaky again and so we decided to do some retail therapy. Well I didn’t expect anything but it was a perk of the trip to be taken to my old friend Karen Millen.  Big smiles!

The weekend was full of lots of cuddles from my Bear and we spent yesterday afternoon just snuffled together watching Harry Potter and eating a great creation that Pete made from spinach, tomatoes, cod, and more.. mmmmmm. Seriously I am cat! Give me warmth, cuddles, a soft place to sleep and food and I am totally made up!

My sleep wasn’t great last night and I am finding I am waking up with aching ribs and back still. In fact I got myself into a tizzy last night before sleep as my whole side was hurting. The one thing with canSer is that the every new thing or ache makes you think the worst. It’s going to be hard to ever change that especially as time is of the essence. I know for sure that if you do not speak up even if you think you are being neurotic that canSer can creep up on you and catch you off guard. Now there is a fine line between being real and being totally mad. I am pleased to say that this morning my back did ache a bit but my ribs didn’t.

Maybe I was worrying last night as I had been emailing the lady I mentioned on Friday, Helen who is also writing a blog and raising money for charity since her sister in law has canSer. Another hero in my book. Helen emailed me and gave me more info as to why she has embarked on the charity drive.  Her sister in law was 29 years old when she started her roller coaster. She is now 33 and ‘it’ is in her bones, spine, stomach, and lungs. God it makes me sick. I don’t want anyone else to be going through this. I know that her sister in law, also a Clare, is in pain. It’s so hard having any condition, disease, or illness. For anyone thinking about ill health the worst is feeling in pain. I can’t imagine what it must feel like physically or mentally. Or rather I don’t want to imagine that. The thought of things is much worse than actually experiencing them… well in most cases. I am getting to know Helen and as she is going to be organising a charity ball in Oxford I am defo on her side and will be getting bodies there and hopefully getting raffle prizes and doing anything I can. Working together only seems natural. And she is a local girl. All I think right now is what can we do for Clare, Helens sister in law? I need to know what treatment she is having and maybe I can point her in the right direction. Start with alleviating symptoms, helping her spirit and then let’s get cracking at getting her some special treatment. It then led me to read in ‘What the Doctors don’t tell you’ and article titled, ‘Immune system is best cancer fighter, ‘milestone’ research confirms’. It states a healthy immune system is the best way to beat cancer. In fact the ‘war on cancer’ will never be won if we solely rely on chemotherapy, say researchers in a new report hailed as ‘ a milestone of cancer research’.

A research team from the Eberhard Karls University in Tubingen, Germany, has demonstrated and proved that the immune system has the capability to drive tumours and cancerous cells into a state of permanent dormancy. This means that immunotherapy is an effective  cancer therapy and it does so without destroying cells, say the researchers, led by Prof Dr med Martin Rocken. Instead it causes senescence, or lifelong dormancy, in cancer cells and stops the cancer spreading.

OK so what jumps out of that article.. Germany.. again! Well that only makes feel more confident in what we are doing. With another round (round 3) of immunotherapy coming up I just hope this little trickster of a canSer stops too!

After I got all my chores done today I have sat for a few hours making more bracelets as requested by the ‘bracelets elves’. Another 100 red heart bracelets have been made and already packed to go their sellers. I never expected for them to be so popular and I am still having people email saying they have friends in other parts of the country willing to circulate them for me too. I have also been asked by the Cancer Vaccine Institute if they can sell them in their shop.. Ok so maybe I need to get some more printing of the cards done and get my tushy on the floor to make a proper load more! Whoda thunk it eh? My little bracelets… Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

This week ahead is exciting. I’m working tomorrow and then off to my mum’s for some proper girly time together. I didn’t get to see her on Mother’s Day so it is only right I visit her and let her look after me! Haha!

Must stay awake……

Yesterday was a beautiful sunny day albeit cold but what a day for a funeral. It was a emotional as I expected and some. There must have been about 300 people there to pay their respects to our ‘funny’ friend Simon (as my friend Jules calls him) I didn’t think I would be upset and I wasn’t until I got home. It’s funny how grief can manifest itself. It’s hard to belive you simply won’t see that person again. I bet though he would have felt all warm and fuzzy seeing how many people love him. Such a sad day and such a waste of a great young person. My book I am finally getting to the end of says to try to deal with death that you should imagine what your own funeral would be like. Apparently it is quite a healthy thing to do and can actually help you cope with the thought of it. I am not quite there yet. I have to admit I refuse to think about it because for me it could be like tempting fate. I don’t want to romanticise it and make it something wonderful and hope that everyone would turn out for me. It might take me a while to think that one through although I do understand the theory.

I had a terrible night sleep last night. Correction, we had a terrible nights sleep last night. I am not sure if it’s the food, drink, chemo drugs or simply the day we had but neither of us slept. Today I have puffy blood shot eyes and really haven’t been on form until I had my reflexology session. Oh my… if I wasn’t desperate to stay awake to make sure I didn’t miss a thing then I would have been open mouthed dribbling at how soothing it was. I had lots of work done on lymphatic drainage today. Claire was so chuffed to hear my good news and she says my feet look great all except my back muscles which have been giving me jip this week. I am either slouching or using muscles I don’t use very often..whatever, it wakes me up in the morning… not a great way to start the day.

I’m looking forward to the weekend. I have my Boo coming to play and I will be doing all girlie things like practising bridal make up and gossiping..I’d like to add to that I would be having cream teas and cakes but that’s not allowed… instead I have stocked up on all things healthy and fun.. I am going to be trying houmous crisps made from chickpeas… Mmm sounds.. er.. delicious! The health food store must love me.

I have just collected a parcel from the courier of my next batch of supplies for my bracelets. I am still getting requests so if it works why change it? So I think I may have to get my head down this weeknd and make some more!

I also had another nice surprise in the post today, well infact three. Firstly I received a certificate from Breast Cancer Breakthrough for raising money for them along with a form to complete to have a name put on their challengers wall. I am not sure who to choose yet but I will get my thinking cap on. Then I received an iphone cover which is meant to remove radiation from the user as well increase signal strength and lengthen battery time. It’s all worth a go I say.. Here is a link to the website; http://www.pongresearch.co.uk/apple/iphone-cases/iphone-5-cases/iphone-5-classic-soft-touch-case.html

Then my next package was another book I have ordered called Thunk by Sandy Newbigging. http://www.sandynewbigging.com/books_thunk.php

It’s about how to think less for serenity and success. I could do with that! We all could, right? Well it’s on my pile of books to plough through. I need to get my head down! I haven’t even read this months Zest magazine yet… my monthly pleasure (along with all the other monthly pleasures! ha ha!)

My friends are simply just ace. I have been getting messages from them all asking for more bracelets and asking how they can raise more money. One friend has decided to hold a ladies day and the other has offered her services to anyone that wants to hold a ladies night. What little beauties! So much to look forward to…. ..

Right I am going to try and stay awake later than 7pm tonight.. I don’t know if it’s the chemo but I cannot stay awake! Clean bed sheets, clean jim jams and frankincense infused in the room along with a cup of camomile over an hour before bed.. I will sleep tonight! But it’s Comic Relief tonight and I just love watching it.. oh poo. I know what’s going to win. Hello old friend, I’m coming!

Seaweed extract out performs chemo and link between ovarian and triple negative canSer…..

 I had a lovely day yesterday. Continuing with doing things that make me happy I planned a day of meeting friends, catching up on gossip, seeing new houses as well as helping out with professional advice. I know.. Me giving advice on business! Ha ha! Anyway if I can help then I am pleased to.

I finished my afternoon by helping Pete out and going to see Ray. I spent an hour with him just chatting and making tea… it was no hardship really. It’s funny the thought of looking after him can be worse than actually doing it as you never know what mood he is going to be in. Thank fully he was in a good mood yesterday.

By early evening I couldn’t keep my eyes open. I started my chemo drugs yesterday but I don’t think it had anything to do with how tired I was. I could barely keep my eyes open at 7pm and struggled to watch the new pope being introduced to the world, let alone watch Masterchef! It’s so weird to feel like that but I have to listen to my body. For whatever reason my body was pooped! I slept really well (except for being squeezed a bit hard by the Bear!) but still feel I could have a day of lounging. This is where motivation can be really hard. I am so aware of my morning rituals and the importance of keeping up with everything. I don’t want to become complacent. So I started with my Deepak Chopra meditation followed by yoga then rebounding. I have to admit it is not my favourite exercise but I get really sweaty and puffed out so it is clearly good for me. So much so I cannot walk after! Then onto my heat and air. I read an article sent to me by Mark Newey how a guy focussed on deep belly breathing amongst other things to get rid of his canSer, basing the concept on getting more oxygen into the body. So this has spurred me on not to let things slide. I always feel so much better for getting everything done.

Today is going to be odd. We got to Simons funeral today and a group from the office will be going too. It’s a toughie.. I am not completely comfortable with crying in front of everyone. I don’t intend on having tears but it’s so tough. He will be sorely missed.

News came yesterday from mum that my Great Aunt glad has died too. I haven’t seen her for many many years so I don’t feel any huge sadness. She was 91years old and simply died of old age apparently. That’s lucky for her, to just go to sleep and not wake up.

I am still ever open to news and research and yesterday received some info from a friend regarding seaweed extract out performing chemo in trials.

The extract of an edible red seaweed was found to be 27 percent more effective than standard chemo in shrinking breast tumours in rats while showing much less toxicity to liver and kidneys, and even improving the rats’ antioxidant status in both blood and tissues.


I knew that seaweed was essential in our diet but this is really exciting. It just goes back to believing that nature can cure all. To read more go to the link:


Also carrying on my research I came across some information suggesting that there is a link between triple negative breast canSer and ovarian canSer.

From an article on USA today Sept 2012
‘Scientists announced that they have finished mapping virtually all of the genetic mutations in breast cancer, an effort that could soon change the way patients are treated and eventually help researchers develop better treatments.

“The catalogue of human breast cancers is nearly complete,” says study co-leader Matthew Ellis of the Washington University School of Medicine in St. Louis. “It’s the breast-cancer equivalent of putting a man or woman on the moon.”

Among the most striking findings: One of the most lethal types of breast cancer is genetically closer to a kind of ovarian cancer than it is to other breast tumours, according to the paper, published online in Nature.

That discovery could soon produce real benefits for breast cancer patients, Ellis says. Women with so-called basal-like breast tumours — also known as triple-negative cancers — would likely do better on a much less toxic chemotherapy regimen, which is currently the standard of care in ovarian cancer.

Such shifts show that doctors are beginning to change the way they look at cancers, focusing less on a tumour’s organ of origin and more on the inner workings of its nucleus, down to the molecular level, Ellis says.

“Just because it’s a breast cancer doesn’t mean it’s like every other breast cancer,” says Brad Ozenberger, who oversees the research project, called The Cancer Genome Atlas, at the National Institutes of Health.

The ambitious federally funded program — with a budget of $100 million a year — aims to be the cancer equivalent of the Human Genome Project, which decoded and mapped the human genetic blueprint. Scientists already have published the genomes of four other cancers: brain, ovarian, colorectal and lung. In this study, scientists analyzed tissue from 348 breast cancers, finding that most tumours are caused by mutations in 30 to 50 genes, Ellis says.

The genome atlas could give drug companies ideas for new drugs that target key genetic mutations in cancer, Ozenberger says. In addition, the catalogue of genetic mistakes can also help scientists better understand how cancers develop and spread, Ozenberger says.

For example, they may discover that a newly discovered gene is involved in the immune system — providing a clue to how cancer eludes the body’s normal defences. Already, the program has given researchers clues that both ovarian and triple-negative breast tumours could be vulnerable to drugs that block new blood vessel growth, which aim to starve tumours.

Today, women with triple-negative tumours are treated like many other breast cancer patients, getting drugs called anthracyclines that can damage the heart and cause leukaemia or a type of “pre-leukaemia,” called myelodysplastic syndrome, or MDS. Ellis’ recent research, however, suggests anthracyclines don’t help women with triple-negative tumours.

Robin Roberts, host of Good Morning America, underwent a bone-marrow transplant Thursday for MDS, caused by her successful treatment for triple-negative breast cancer in 2007. Another insight from the study: Doctors should reconsider an experimental class of drug called PARP inhibitors for triple-negative breast cancer, because early trials in ovarian cancer have been promising, Ellis says.

Breast cancer survivor Roxanne Martinez says she “choked up” when she heard that future patients might be able to skip the most toxic chemotherapies. Martinez, 32, was treated for triple-negative disease two years ago, while she was pregnant with her daughter.

While both she and her daughter are currently healthy, Martinez says anthracycline drugs made her very sick. Now, she worries about her long-term health. Martinez, of Forth Worth, says she’s fascinated by the similarities between breast and ovarian cancers, which run in her family. Doctors have long known of links between breast and ovarian tumours.


Well, well, well… all very interesting. I wish sometimes everyone would share their findings as it seems they are so close to many great outcomes but maybe they need to combine their work?!


An amazing thing happened yesterday. I posted on facebook that I only need approximately £200 to reach the £2000 barrier on my giving page. I went off for a few hours and when I looked next I had over £4000! My friend had toppled it over £2000 then VTUK Property Solutions donated £2000! Whoop.. So over come and so very excited that now I want to make £10,000. Bracelets are still selling and more need to be made. I really feel so excited buy it all. A friend has also agreed to hold a ladies night on the 3rd may. I will no doubt be involved with that… Bless everyone trying so hard. I love it! It keeps me going.

What’s important in your life?

I haven’t blogged for a few days partly because it was the weekend and it was so fun filled and fully packed that I just didn’t get time but also because I had actually forgotten. This surprised me. I love blogging/journaling. But I guess it’s a sign of how I feel at the moment. I am living rather than contemplating. On the one hand I think  it is good but on the other I feel it makes me lazy as I think writing my thoughts and feeling every day is important to reflect what is I going on in my life.

The weekend as mentioned was A-M-A-Z-I-N-G.. Great company, food, drink and lots of love. Yesterday was spent cleaning and getting my life back in order. I love my weekends but I love control and order and feel all a bit floopy until get myself all back to black again. Well that was achieved yesterday. Amongst cleaning, ironing, changing beds as well as my rituals it was a good cathartic day…..mostly.

Today hasn’t been flowing quite so much but mainly because I had to be at the hospital at ten for my bloods and clinic appointment. I’m due to start round five of chemo tomorrow. I saw the Prof today again and he had a junior doctor with him. Prof asked me to tell the little doctor all about my website and blog and said how inspirational I am! Whoa.. Me and the Prof getting on and him bigging me up. He actually said he saw me in the Oxford Times magazine. Yep, I was featured again in the oxford Times. I’ve attached it for you to see.. (not the best picture- they always do that don’t they? Anyway being less critical and moving on…) He did say that provided my next scan shows no growth then i would probably go on another 6 cycles of the same chemo. Now I don’t feel bad about this but also it just makes me realise that they think it is simply chemo stopping the growth and that without it I am well… going to get sick and die. I still find it all so hard to grasp. I really cannot understand and probably refuse to. I really truly believe that I am going to be free of cancer without needing chemo for the rest of my life. I know mad, naive whatever you call it.. Optimist I say.

Yesterday I started Deepak Chopras 21 day meditation challenge. This time it is about perfect health. Perfect for me! The meditations are only short but is good to do something different and if you are new to meditation a great place to start.  Here’s the link if you fancy trying it out;



I’m feeling really well at present . My hands aren’t even a bit sore and apart from being sleepy and dragging myself out of bed every morning I really do feel great. I have been feeling a bit lazy recently and maybe taking things for granted but for once in a while it’s nice to revel in the knowledge that I am doing fine and according to my last scan very well…. Then I get to thinking that I should be trying harder. I shouldn’t let the visualisations slip and that it’s time to really focus. I’m struggling with that at the moment. This week is pretty busy and if my routine is all over the place things just don’t flow. I wonder if that now I am feeling less strict about things that I am actually achieving a perfect balance in life. I am enjoying as much as I am trying and I keep thinking of being kind to myself. I have been a bit relaxed with my eating over the weekend and it doesn’t worry me too much purely because it feels right. I do love to have control so I think that maybe coming back to where I know works for me is that right thing to do.

I have been doing my homework that Mark Newey gave me after my visit with him last week. It has been quite interesting but hard at the same time. I had to list my values. What’s important in life to me? I had to list 30 then whittle them down to my top ten. It’s harder than you think. I have sent it off to Mark and will chat with him at some stage to discuss what he thinks. I received my hypnotherapy cd’s this morning that he recorded also. I look forward to using them when needs be.

On Saturday I got two interesting letters. The first was an invitation to a presentation at the John Radcliffe hospital about up and coming treatment, research and surgery with the cancer and haematology department. I was surprised to be invited but of course have booked both Pete and I for it. Should be interesting and can’t wait to tell you all about it.

Then the second letter was a copy of the letter that has been sent to my doctors following my recent clinic appointment. It’s the best I have ever got. It says that my scan results are excellent and that I am at my ideal weight and very fit and healthy which has been shown to help with combating breast cancer. I want more of these letters please!

Regarding being fit and healthy I have been trying to finish my book, ‘Getting well again’. I have been slacking with the reading but got plenty of time to catch up today whilst waiting at hospital. I read that exercise teaches our body to pay attention to our body’s needs. The feeling of vitality and health that you get from regular exercise helps you see your body as friend, a source of pleasure, something deserving of your care and attention. If exercise can bring about physical changes in your immune system and the psychological attitude that contributes to the quality of life then exercising is well worth it. I couldn’t agree more. Yet I still feel I should do more of it.

One of my jobs yesterday was to make more bracelets. Yes.. They have all been distributed and people are requesting more. I am on a roll. I made another 70 and will be giving them to a friend tomorrow as she has pre orders plus has an agreement with a shop to sell them for me?! Cool!

I am still overwhelmed by how many people are wanting them and how they say they like them. I knew it was a good idea but not this good! Eek! So far I have made £1785 on Virgin Giving plus I have cash home here and then there are my little sellers out there all making lots of bundles of cash.. I really hope we can keep going!

This afternoon I am working and I am loving it. I have been doing facials and HD brows and I really can’t get enough. But it’s all about balance. I must be happy and must feel calm. The moment I think I am doing too much my head goes to mash. It’s all about balance.

The days fly by and I hope I am still feeling as grateful for every day that I am given. I am still planning the future and really trying to keep my head clear so that I don’t let neggy thoughts creep back in and making me worry. I want to be given a clean bill of health and know that I am cancer free. Asking too much? Nope. It’s a no brainer…..X


Two days of life coaching and hypnosis.. back in the room!

Well I have been away for a few days and it’s been quite an insightful two days for me.

I travelled to a village near Saffron Walden to see Mark Newey from Winning Minds. If you have never been to that part of the world I would highly recommend it. Beautiful. As per, driving to unknown places is really out of my comfort zone but hey, I am getting good at doing different things these days!

The purpose of my visit at the time of booking it in January was to get help with dealing with the fear of death and the fear of leaving loved ones behind. Now I haven’t been feeling quite like that recently since I have a gut feeling things are going to be ok and also the great results I got from my last scan, however I still felt it was important to deal with it but also I wanted to address negative and morbid thoughts that I get on a regular basis for no apparent reason. They used to be really bad but now not so much however I don’t want them cluttering up my mind!

I found Mark randomly by chance on another website which has confused Mark as he doesn’t know how it got there! so I am guessing it was meant to be.

Even more so for me because on the morning of travelling my friend recommended that I visit her sister also my friend whom I haven’t seen for 7 years. I thought to myself I wouldn’t have time. On arriving in the village early I decided to check myself in to my pub/hotel room. On walking inwho should I see but my friend! I honestly was shocked. I cannot believe I booked a room in a pub that she runs and owns! If you fancy staying there it is a lovely little village pub that has been modernised with contemporary luxury rooms and amazing food and service and great staff of course! The Cricketers Arms in Rickling Green; www.cozypubs.co.uk plug plug! Haha!

I had no expectations of what would happen over the next few days all I knew was that I was going to experience NLP and hypnosis etc. On meeting Mark I felt totally at ease and despite hours of talking which would normally give me brain ache I felt gripped and interested throughout. Mark relates a lot of his expertise to his own personal experiences and relates to a time when he had a nervous breakdown and made positive changes including his career to be the real him and to be authentic. What I found really interesting was the first afternoon discussing and almost having a lesson in the unconscious mind. Mark explained where we get all our ‘stuff’ and clutter, bad habits or whatever you are there for and where it comes from. He explained how the mind matrix works and all the elements that create the state of mind we have. These are our values, childhood programming, cultural beliefs and more. It was so interesting.

The later part of that day we started discussing me and where my beliefs come from. It was hard to begin with as I don’t know why I think the way I do and why I have created certain habits and pathways through my life. I know I have come a long way already since July but it really was so very enlightening. Another part of it is to ascertain what outcome I wanted. Of course the obvious answer was to be happy in life. It was like having a practical life coaching and therapy session. Bouncing thoughts and past feelings but having someone completely separate from my life posing questions and asking me to try to remember where these patterns came from. Unsurprisingly for most, a lot comes from my childhood which is mad as I have always believed that my childhood was great but actually there were huge issues which must have made me stifle who I really wanted to be probably due to fear. My dad as many will know has been a big drinker all my life (I hate calling him an alcoholic as there are different levels of it) and it did interfere with home life more than I realised. And up to recently I don’t think I had been me, the real me. I didn’t feel comfortable in myself and I think I was trying to be someone else, trying to please others and not being honest with myself which is quiet likely why I became ever increasingly stressed and then came along canSer, maybe as the last straw.

Mark breaks down everything in such an easy and understanding way and he is full of passion for his role and only has your best interest at heart. Working from his home makes it really relaxing and he sent me home with home work although I didn’t do it as I spent the evening with my lovely friend!

My friend and I had an evening on catching up on the last seven years and had a cheeky glass of prosecco or two…. It had to be done! So amazing to finally rekindle our friendship and plans to see more of each other too.

The next day was filled with actual therapy… I had a session of Quantum Touch. This is new to me as I had never heard of it before now. Mark is a trained reiki practitioner although he hasn’t felt comfortable doing it- it didn’t fit with him. So discovered Quantum Touch.

Quantum-Touch is a method of natural healing that works with the Life Force Energy of the body to promote optimal wellness. Life Force Energy, also known as “chi” in Chinese and “prana” in Sanskrit, is the flow of energy that sustains all living beings. Quantum-Touch teaches us how to focus, amplify, and direct this energy, for a wide range of benefits with surprising and often extraordinary results.

Mark basically laid on hands and I felt a huge amount of heat which radiated and pulsed. The feelings spread and Mark would move his hands and wait for feedback to see if there was any pain or any changes. It was very relaxing and I felt on a deep level that physical changes were happening. The odd thing for me was that the throbbing kept going up near my throat or the higher heart chakra area.

After this I had an hour hypnosis session to get rid of the old habits and thoughts and to dump the old me behind. After lunch I then had another hour session of hypnosis and this was to look forward and to become the person I want to be. Although I am little unclear as to what I want in life but I know what I don’t want. Mark asked me to paint a picture of me in five years time. This was hard to do. I know I want to be in my home having the new kitchen and drive. I know I want to be working as a trainer and more involved with HD brows. I want be canSer free, clearly. I want to start a charity although I know it’s going to be hard as well as using my skills as a therapist to help canSer patients.


Mark was very intense at times which was fine and he kept saying that I am ‘’special’ (this made me laugh- ‘special needs’!) and that I am beacon and that my life experience will beat this and go onto help others in a big way. I find it hard to digest when things are said to me like that. I am not special I have been given a platform by my wonderful hubby and have simply used it. I do agree that once I am out of the woods so to speak that I should help others. It is my duty and makes life worth living.

So far I am unsure as to how I feel. Pete said I was glowing when I got home yesterday and bright eyed and bushy tailed.

Overall I feel it was a worthwhile exercise and I really cannot wait to use the cd’s that Mark recorded of my hypnosis sessions to keep my going in the future. I still feel really strong and I hope that all that fear and negative thoughts will not pester me anymore. I look forward to what may be and having more control in my life, without controlling my life (if that makes sense!)

I would highly recommend anyone with any thing like a habit or hang up or need help with moving forward in their life or even if you are unsure but know there is something missing in your life, to visit Mark and have a great couple of sessions to really make that change.

His details will be on my resources page but for now here they are;

Mark Newey

www.winning minds.co.uk

0800 083 0143


What was really mad about the meeting Mark too was that his father lives approximately 8 miles from me and he has many interests that are so similar to Pete. Isn’t life funny?

Today, I am meeting my friend for lunch and giving her a whole heap of bracelets. To sell for charity. I have actually run out of bracelets and have to make more. This is crazy! I never expected this to happen. So pleased!

We have a great weekend ahead of us with friends visiting and rugby! Despite the wet weather I will keep on living!

Thanks to everyone that has donated so far and thank you all for buying and selling my bracelets. It’s not over yet.. There are more to come as long as I can keep making them.

Happy bunny! Hop skip Jump!