See, I really am shallow!

As predicted I slept like a log from 8pm last night till 7am this morning and even then I didn’t drag myself out of bed for another hour. Such deep sleep…. amazing. I must have needed it after my allergic ordeal the night before.

Pete sent me a message yesterday that he read on a forum from a lady that posted on there in 2009. It states that Xeloda (Capecitabine) is such a good drug and despite the side effects of sore and peeling hands and feet (of which I am not getting any symptoms) it’s worth it. This is a snippet of her post;

‘Love shoes! I went shopping and bought 4 pairs of lovely summer shoes and haven’t been able to wear them as yet, still trying to get the Xeloda dose right for me to prevent the peeling feet and hands and feet from the Xeloda. This is a very effective drug, so hang in there. There are many new drugs in the pipeline for TNBC, women in America are very willing to share their TNBC journey, look at www.breastcancer.org  it’s a huge site with latest research accessible from the home page. They have a forum devoted to TNBC which I visited when I misunderstood my tumour status.

Oncologists may indicate a 5 year survival period, but remember this is an OUTDATED average of all women, and is regardless of their other existing conditions, willingness to fight and ability to, or willingness to, undertake new treatments coming on line all the time.

Advanced breast cancer should be looked on as a chronic disease that can be continually treated, so start looking forward to, and planning to enjoy the future. More grandchildren? Weddings? Family get togethers?’

I love this post. It made Pete smile and gives us hope. The information that someone in my position can only expect five years at the most is so outdated. They said that five years ago and surely things have moved along since then? I totally agree with her when she says; Have you looked on the bottom of your feet for the stamped ‘Expiry Date”!

No one can tell us how long we have left and I certainly don’t look like I am going to die anytime soon and God willing I will win this battle and be here to spread the news of my winning formula.

Pete, as ever, is still researching anything which is triple negative related, and sent me a link today on how researchers say one specific microrna promotes tumour growth and cancer spread. Researchers at Moffitt Cancer Centre have determined that the over expression of microRNA-155 (miR-155), a short, single strand of ribonucleic acid (which is a family of large biological molecules that perform multiple vital roles in the coding, decoding, regulation, and expression of genes) encoded by the miR-155 host gene, promotes the growth of blood vessels in tumours, tumour inflammation, and metastasis. As a therapeutic target, miR-155 could potentially provide a new avenue of treatment when targeted with drugs to suppress its activity. It also plays a critical role in metastasis, especially in triple-negative breast cancer. This makes miR-155 both a prognostic marker and a potential therapeutic drug target.”

So, as suggested by Pete I have forwarded it to Prof Dalgliesh and Dr Nesselhut. Maybe it will help?!

My new friend (from reading this blog) sent me a lovely email last night as she felt I seemed a little vulnerable this week. She said that she had discussed about ‘being present in the moment’ and not trying to fight stuff all the time and always trying to see into the future and what might/ might not happen to me. She said it is very natural to feel scared and worried at times with what I have been through, and that actually I should spend time allowing my body to feel this way. (This doesn’t mean wallow in it either) I should lie down quietly and let my body and mind freely experience feeling upset/scared/worried/guilty etc and just accept it is a natural feeling and allow it to flow through you. This is the most important bit – ‘letting life’s force flow through you’ – the worst thing for ill health is letting these emotions get stuck in you and hidden away somewhere where they can fester.

 Once you have given them time to be acknowledged, you can then let go of these feelings and ask them to leave your body as you don’t need them anymore. This is when you can then think of something positive – it doesn’t have to be anything huge – just something that makes you smile, don’t try and force it for ages and ages, just end on something positive and nice, so this is the last emotion flowing through your body whilst lying there.’

 

This is such good advice. I know I have been taught this too yet it is still so helpful to be reminded of it from time to time. It’s hard being perfect all the time! And on the outside and most of the inside, I do feel upbeat and happy and grateful, eternally grateful, for how good I feel and for how lucky I am to have this knowledge of life and what there is to offer. I like the fact that I’m allowed to be scared and tired and to allow myself to accept my lazy days. Thank you… for thinking of me Hannah. X

 

On with today, it’s snowing….. I have to admit this weather is really getting to me now. I have been saying all along, ‘It could be worse’. But I am actually longing for some sun on my skin and to look healthy with a sun kissed glow and to feel warm. I am with Davina McCall whom I follow on twitter. She says she’s not impressed by snow in April. Me either. I thinking about our trips that we want to book away but all I want is to bask by a pool and get a tan! How sad is that. With all that the world and life has to offer and all I want to do is read a book and smell of coconut oil! Ha ha! See, I really am shallow. J

April Fools Day… no fooling me.

It’s April Fool’s day today. The first of April and I have not been fooled! Woohoo!

The last day of our weekend off and it’s been lovely having the Bear all this time although the poor thing isn’t feeling well. I must have worked him too hard. Every single day this weekend we have been working on the house, decorating, gardening, sorting out things and it feels really good knowing that it is all done but it also feels that we haven’t had time to relax. The way I see it is we have plenty of opportunities to go away and this weekend would have been very busy and expensive had we decided to go away. I hope Pete doesn’t feel too hard done by. I have worked him ragged. Time for some snuffles me thinks.

It’s good looking at what we have achieved. I have a shiny new room waiting for furniture and flooring but I can’t wait till it’s all done and guests can stay in there. I want it to be like a hotel.  People already say it’s like staying at a B and B when they come here. Hopefully they will think it’s a bit better now. More boutique hotel or guest house!

Last night neither of us slept a wink. I feel terrible today but I know that tomorrow I will be fine. I lie there thinking of stupid things that need to be done but really don’t matter. I try to use my time lying awake to visualise but I just didn’t feel like it last night. It worries me. Blimey everything worries. But it worries me all the same when I am not feeling like I want to fight. I feel like I am being lazy again. I have to get it out of my head. But if anyone else was to embark on this journey of mine where I am meant to be ‘good’ all the time then it would get very tiresome all round. I reckon I am more ‘naughty’ than good but for some reason I can justify it. Well I have to because I’d feel guilty otherwise and this is negative and will have a negative impact on my health.

The weather is dreary today and my motivation is low. Since the long weekend began I haven’t meditated, done yoga, heat and air or exercise. I figured it was best to get to work so using my time wisely also that going up and down ladders, moving furniture and using a paint roller was exercise enough.  It’s mad how things are so psychological. It’s so much with how we feel in our heads and the body responds.

It has been 7 weeks since my last scan. I haven’t yet received an appointment for my next scan but I anticipate it will be in May some time making it probably 12 weeks in total from my last one. I think I am already starting to get a little anxious about it. The past 7 weeks have flown but at the same time it feels like it was ages ago that I had the good news. I think I feel anxious because I can’t tell how I am feeling. I can’t explain what I mean. I usually have a strong gut feeling and maybe I have lost it over the last few days but I can’t tap into it. I don’t know why I am feeling this way?

I need to focus a lot more on my head space and try not to get distracted with mundane tasks that aren’t really that helpful to me. That’s the problem with life is that it can be so distracting if we let it. I don’t want to take anything for granted and I want to continue to feel grateful every single day that the Universe allows me to have. Ok I get it. I am tired. I am over thinking things and allowing myself to feel exposed and vulnerable. There is a part of me that always feels I could do better. I reckon we are all longing for a change. I like change and that includes the seasons. We need spring now! I need to spend more time in Mother Nature and I need to feel the air and the warmth outside. I am a hermit!

It occurred to me the other night (whilst lying awake again) that the reason I am spending so much time doing my house up and I know how others may find it odd in my position doing such mundane things like sprucing the house up. But I know why I am doing it and will continue to make it better and nicer. It’s because we don’t intend on moving from here and I am going to be alive for another 60 years I reckon so the house has to be in tip top condition and I have to love being here every minute. It’s part of my biggest goal- to live till I’m 100! In order for that goal to be achieved I have to achieve smaller goals like getting my house sorted, my health sorted and making sure we can afford to live in our twilight years…. So there… J If that isn’t having a positive outlook then I don’t know what is!

Part of me really wants to go and get more work done and the other part of me thinks it’s time to relax. Part of the ten point plan is making time for relaxation and me time. I think I have plenty of it but I am always busy. I’m back to the hospital tomorrow for my clinic appointment and bloods to be taken then I am back on chemo on Wednesday. The week off chemo goes so quickly. But if it keeps me well and keeps the canSer at bay then I have nothing to moan about do I?

Right that’s eat I am going to eat loads of homemade concoctions and snuffle up to the poorly Bear. He ‘needs’ me. That’s what I tell him anyway!

Anyway to finish off here’s a good laugh. The top ten April Fools jokes of all time;

http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/weird-news/april-fools-day-top-10-1788823