Worrying about what may or may not happen….

The last few days at home have been great. Back to work and the usual routine as well as working too.

But throughout it all I still have the dreaded scan results lurking in the background. I always get like this before hand. It looms and lingers like a bad smell. I am so confident leading up to this point and then all the self doubt comes in. I am now worrying that I could have been better with my diet and drinking habits. I have been a little more relaxed recently, what with seeing friends and being in social situations I have been having more sweets and breads than I normally would along with drinking alcohol. I actually would say that I have been a bit lazy with my diet. In the back of my mind I keep thinking the 80/20 rule but I know that sugars should be avoided at all costs and alcohol has to be limited.  Damn you alcohol! I love drinking. I love socialising and the two for me go together.

I went on the Drinkaware website (www.drinkaware.co.uk)last night and thought I would start recording how much I have to drink. This week wasn’t the best one to start on as I have spent the last few days in Rome. When I am away I always have ‘fun’ and that for me includes a drink. So not only does it tell you if you have had more than the daily allowance but it also tells you the calories. It is a very useful site. I think I am going to keep charting my intake as it really does make you aware. I think I will consider more how often I drink. That makes this evening a little harder as I am meeting friends in a bar then going for dinner tonight.

I hate the fact that alcohol exists sometimes. I’m not sure if I drink too much realistically as I drink some weeks and not others. On the whole I am not to drink during the school nights. The whole thing about canSer and alcohol really bothers me. I have said it before and I will continue to say it until I get definite answers from professional. They say that it is fine to drink with triple negative but then on the other side of the coin they say every now and then etc… I look at all my friends and none of them are concerned about how much they drink. Some drink more some drink less but on the whole I reckon we are about the same.  Well from now on I think charting my drinking habits will really make me more conscious of my habits. I want to eat and drink better. I want to live, not die. That’s all there is for it.

For the first time this morning I got worried about dying again. I know it’s because the reality is that on Tuesday everything could change again. My life could be turned upside down. I have been feeling really great and really happy but who knows what it is going on inside me? I won’t settle for less. I want the cure; I want to live canSer free. And if I can’t be canSer free then I want to live a healthy symptom free life. This is possible… Sometimes it’s so overwhelming constantly having to be ‘good’. I want to be ‘good’ so in a way it keeps me on the straight and narrow. I don’t want to be where I was a year ago. I was in the depths of despair and really didn’t understand life. I want to keep on striving and being happy. But today for some reason desire having reflexology to look forward to this afternoon I feel a little bit lost. I bet I am tired. It’s always tiredness. I have exercised this morning. I find that I can sometimes get a slump about now. I simply find it hard to believe that I am tired. I don’t go to work like Pete does. He work such long hours then goes and looks after ray and then comes home all bouncy and loving. He will then do the mowing and any other little Bear jobs and continues with this every day! He is tired. He has every right to be but me. I don’t do much other house jobs and a bit of therapy and of course my morning rituals. I wonder sometimes if I am better when I have a lot to do. Having time on my hands can sometimes make me lost. Well enough of that… time to wake up and get with the program.

I think I need to focus on something new. I think meditation needs working on and that can help with healing. I am going to read my book then perhaps find some more techniques and further explore mediation. Yes. That’s it.

 

I have decided no matter what my results are I am going to start taking clients properly in advance. I contacted all my clients and have told them that I am ready. I have since had many emails and phone calls and May and June are booking up nicely. J

Right time to snap out of my dwelling on what may or may not happen. We all know it’s a waste of energy and time. The only time to focus on is now and that’s what really matters. Do the best you can do at the time given to you. I most certainly will… off to do chores and then relax for an hour!

Back from my reflexology… and oh how relaxing! I fell asleep. Claire, my therapist, said that my feet showed that I am tired (this was before I fell asleep! Ha ha!) She did a lot of lymphatic drainage and says she still can’t feel anything in my lung area. If there is anything there then it is very small.

I feel much better and more human now. Ahhhhhhh…….

When in Rome…….

The bank holiday weekend has flown by. It’s hard to believe it’s been four days since I last blogged. So much has happened starting with Friday evening.

I attended my friends Ladies Charity Garden party. As it wasn’t very warm it became a house party but all the same it was amazing. The turnout was great and everyone seemed to really enjoy themselves. There were a few surprises such as topless waiters and a pole dancer. That sounds weird but she was so skilful and elegant and the best bit was that she did a dance to a very special song that we call ‘our’ tune (First time ever I saw your face by Roberta Flack) After the dance finished and keeping composed throughout I got to have a go at being a pole dancer! It’s incredible the body strength required. I have to admit I secretly enjoyed it. The evening was topped off by the raffle. I was so excited by this as the prizes were brilliant and all donated by our friends and me. I didn’t for one minute expect to win anything- let alone four prizes! I actually put two prizes back in to the raffle as I wanted others to have a chance too. I ended up winning a night stay at Caswell House; http://www.caswellhouse.co.uk/ and, wait for it…. a pole dancing lesson! Ha ha! I am actually looking forward to it.

We don’t actually have the totals of the evening just yet but I will let you know shortly. I think we must have exceeded £350 which is amazing and all tots up my totals on my virgin giving page which still stands at £6153. I have been selling bracelets still so it will continue to rise.

Pete picked me up after the raffle had finished then we drove to Birmingham where spent the night before our early flight on Saturday morning. I love flying from Birmingham it is such an easy airport, except on Bank holiday weekends! It took us two hours to get through security and we almost missed our flight! Argh! The panic was over as we weren’t the last ones on the plane. The rest of our trip went smoothly. Pete had organised the whole thing to Rome (on my mood board of places I want to visit) and our hotel was immense. Before this we got chatting to an Italian guy who drove us to our hotel free of charge! What a nice guy….

Our hotel was beautiful and we were lucky enough to get upgraded to a junior suite. I have never seen anything like it. It was over two floors with to TV’s and overlooking the piazza outside with a fountain. We had champagne on ice waiting for us and we gladly started our stay with that!

The weather was glorious too on arrival so the afternoon was spent walking from place to place with as many stops along the way in little cafes and restaurants. We visited the Spanish steps, the Trevi fountain and more on the very first afternoon. All that walking makes you thirsty so we finished our afternoon baking in the sunshine in yet another cafe. Here we met a lovely couple from London and Essex. We got chatting and a few hours later we were still there with the sun going down.

We don’t half cram things into our little stays abroad. The next two days was spent walking everywhere sightseeing the usual things like the Pantheon, Coliseum and St Peters and the Vatican. One word – Amazing! And the change in weather didn’t even deter us. In fact it really rained quite a bit but not letting it stop us we bought his and her ponchos! We didn’t look like tourists- much! Ha ha! Throughout our visit we ate everything Italian and I indulged in ice cream and pasta and red wine… it was brilliant. And I didn’t feel guilty despite knowing my CT scan was looming in a few days.

I think my favourite thing was St Peters basilica. I rubbed St Peters feet.  The statue is beautiful and the feet have been rubbed so many times they are worn down. I crossed myself with holy water and we both had a little prayer. On our way out someone approached us and gave us a charm for a necklace and a card with a prayer on it to keep.Every little helps!

Our flight home was smooth and we arrived to bright sunshiny weather which the UK had luckily had a whole weekend of… I was so pleased for everyone that it wasn’t a wash out like our other bank holidays.

Straight home and I went to the back garden to top up my vitamin D levels. (It had to be done!) whilst Pete went straight back to work…. no rest for wicked… or saints for that matter!

Last night was lovely having our first meal back at home and it was all vegan. I miss eating like this and I instantly feel healthier. We had an early night and Pete got up at 4.30am this morning to go to work! I didn’t sleep very well after that so decided that I would spend my time visualising using every last minute preparing for today.

I got back into doing my exercise and other rituals and it feels good to be back. I put on a few pounds whilst away… easily done when all you’re eating is carbs!

Today was my ct scan. The first since February and I have been feeling really confident about it. But then I let my head take over. I can’t help but not feel over confident. I know I haven’t had any sensations inside and feel really well. I hope my gut feeling is right. When I worry I can’t tap into my intuition. My head starts thinking all sorts of things. My ct scan was easy and quick as usual. But the nurse was asking if I was still on treatment and how it was going after I had the scan. It makes me wonder if they see the scan and they know roughly from glancing at it if it looks good or not. It got me worrying that maybe she saw something. I couldn’t read her to tell if it was good news or not. She asked if I would get the results in clinic. I kept thinking why is she asking me this… is it bad news?!

But it’s done now. Nothing more I can do and I have to wait until next Tuesday for the results. Urgh.. A whole week.

I’m having an evening on my own as Pete is out to work at an event and I have got myself as much fresh food as possible. I can’t wait to tuck into it and maybe I will have an Epsom salt bath and neti pot to really spruce myself up and get me all relaxed for a night in front of the box. Ahhh I’m already relaxed…

 

Research Alerts;

I received this info on how researchers have identified a gene that, when repressed in tumour cells, puts a halt to cell growth and a range of processes needed for tumours to enlarge and spread to distant sites. It seemsreally exciting for us TNBC and other breast canSer survivors.

Click the link for more info; http://www.genengnews.com/gen-news-highlights/turning-off-cancer-s-master-regulator/81248318/

 

More news; I’ve been asked if I want to be featured in Women’s Own magazine as they are doing a piece on cancer survivors who have done/are/ doing remarkable/brave things. EEK! Plus Pete and I were featured in The Cancer Vaccine Institutes newsletter featuring my bracelets too. Little moments of stardom and recognition…. Happy.

Tonights the Ladies Charity Garden party! Pampering, Shopping and The Raffle! Perfect!

In the news today was the headline that Cancer research UK believe there is a rise in Breast canSer in the under 50’s mainly due to an increase in the consumption of alcohol. This rages me… How do they know that for sure? They don’t. They told me they had no idea what caused the canSer I have and when asking if there is anything I could do they said no except exercise and eat a Mediterranean diet. Such sweeping statements simply puts the fear into everyone. Does it mean people will drink less alcohol- No. Because getting canSer is never going to happen to you right?! Boy we wouldn’t do anything if we listened to everything on the news!

Enough of my ranting… I’m packed for my weekend in Rome. I’m very excited but before that I’m ultra excited about tonight’s event- The Ladies Charity Garden party being held by my two good friends. There will be pampering on offer as well as clothes being sold by Sassi clothes store in Witney and then it comes to the main event -The Raffle! I’m astounded by the generosity of people’s donations. I’m donating treatments- teeth whitening and HD brows. There are haircuts, a two night stay at Caswell House, a beautiful hotel in Oxfordshire, 2 entry tickets to Crocodile World, some fizz (donated by my Bear) plus much, much more! Tres excited!

The total now for the charities is £6153. Plus today I collected another £80 from my nail lady who has been selling bracelets for me. It’s funny to think I only set a target of £2500 when I had the idea do making them! Speaking of my nail lady- I love seeing her. She makes me feel so positive. People like that are so important in your life.

This week has been so much better. I’ve been less tired and I think that this is due to having LESS sleep and getting up earlier. I don’t feel pushed for time in the mornings. In fact I have been getting all my rituals done by 9am. For me that’s good!

I’ve been reading the chapter on meditation in my book. Ian Gawler firmly believes it helps lead to recovery. By letting the body deeply relax and the thinking brain to relax we become calm and still. It helps us ‘let go’ and regain our balance. But even after meditating most people find it easier to tap into that calmness even during their normal daily lives. It makes you more mindful and grateful. I’m not saying I’m great at it. In fact my mind races a lot but I am amazed at how still I become and how quick time passes.

So counting down the days to my next scan…5 days….. I’m sure I should be working harder on visualisations but I simply cannot see disease inside. I hope I’m not in denial and ignoring my body. I feel well, confident and happy….

 

I received mail from a lady in the US today who is contact with another survivor here in the UK. She feels fear and emptiness and panicked having two small children. Of course I have offered to chat and counsel if possible but I find it almost odd that I was that fearful and that feeling that it must be fixed now or else I’ll run out time and that balance that it’s taking over your whole being. I wish I could give my feelings to her and let her know that time slows down when you stop trying to control everything. I hope will be able to help anyone with questions. But starting small is definitely the greatest advantage. To think that apparently I have only a year left! So much has changed but I forget what all those changes are?! I now get more love now that I ever did. The cuddles from my Bear are insurmountable! And I know now if I didn’t ever have canSer again life will always be this good… no matter what…..

So thinking of the bank holiday weekend, I hope that everyone in the south enjoys the weather. It’s looking good. For me I’m going to make a wish at the Trevi fountain, be like a Roman! (Walk in straight lines! Ha!) and eat spaghetti and drink valpolicella!

Ciao Bella! (That’s all I know! Apart from outing ‘io’ on the end of everything… Ha ha!)

Individuals do not behave statistically. Individuals behave individually!

Over the last few days there has been really lovely weather. Today being the best day but as yesterday evening was so bright Pete and I decided to go for a walk. We walked to the next village and by the time we returned we had worked up quite a sweat! 40 minutes of good exercise. To be fair I’m not sure I needed it as my back has been aching from trying our pilates and doing Jillian Michaels DVD’s. Anyone that has done her 30 day shred knows how hard core she can be. I thought it might be nice to mix it up a bit. Do different kinds of exercise to keep the body guessing. Well my body is asking, what are you doing to me woman?!’ Nothing a good night’s sleep wouldn’t sort out to soothe the muscles. Shame last night wasn’t one of them! For some unknown reason I woke in the early hours and my mind was saying, ‘Hello!’ I thought about everything. Stupid things I needed to remind myself of as well as trying to focus on my body and see if it was telling me anything, any gut feelings about the forthcoming scan that I have, which incidentally is next week…

One thing that has been bothering me lately is my body. I know it is the last of my worries and I have nothing to worry about but it’s weird how the mind plays tricks with you. I have always wanted a better body. Who hasn’t? My thighs are substantially bigger than my waist in fact there is a ten inch difference between them. I think the yoga is actually making my waist smaller therefore my thighs appear to be getting bigger! In my head I am bigger than I am then I see pictures and I am really small. I know my figure has changed since the beginning of the year and I have increased in weight. (I have to check my weight to ensure that I am not losing it- au contraire, I am actually increasing in weight.) I am still slight at only 8 stone 10lbs but the fear of putting on weight is preoccupying my mind! I don’t want to feel like it and I want to love myself and stop striving for perfection. It’s time wasting and actually achieves nothing as I am the only person that notices. I guess I put my flaws down to my efforts in my diet and exercise. It’s kind of a barometer as to how controlled I have been with my eating and drinking of the foods I should be avoiding such as sugar. This has not been great lately. I simply cannot help myself when I see a lovely muffin. I am not saying I eat sugar every day but Masterchef has so much to answer for at the moment!

Today’s weather has been so glorious, not hugely hot, but beautiful blue skies and lots of sunshine. I decided after my acupuncture appointment that I would be a bit cheeky and sit in the garden for a few hours reading my new book and finish my Zest magazine.

Reading Zest there was a really interesting article on a fasting diet that is popular at the moment. Don’t worry I don’t intend on trying it but the health implications of doing it are astounding if they are true. Apparently by limiting your daily calorific allowance to 500 calories for two days a week tests indicate that it can reduce levels of blood sugar and harmful fats which are known to be triggers of diseases such as cancer. What’s particularly interesting is the reduction of the growth hormone IGF-1 which can send the body‘s cells into rapid growth mode. Fine if you want to build muscle but not so good for damaged or precancerous cells. High levels of IGF-1 are linked to breast canSer.

Reading the article the journalist, having tried the diet, had blood tests done by a company called Medicheck. This got me thinking and I looked up their website. They do all kinds of tests for men women, vitamin and mineral ones and one for IGF-1 levels. I am intrigued and would love to know what mine are like and if they are in a safe range plus also to know what my vitamin and mineral levels are like. I think I may check this out. The website is www.medicheck.com to see where your nearest test centre is and for more information.

I moved onto my new book called ‘You can conquer cancer’ by Ian Gawler. Not a romantic novel or anything! I have been waiting for this to arrive since I ordered it in January. It has been revised and is the new edition since it was written in 1984 and updated last year.  On reading only the first few pages I couldn’t believe how this book was written for me. It is basically the ten point plan in many respects! I am hooked.  One of the things that have really stood out is who is responsible for my decisions? Do you go to the doctors and say you fix my diseased body. You decide what treatment I have. The responsibility is yours.  Or do you go to them and say, what can we do to get it better again?’ This alarmed me. As for the first two years of my diagnosis of having breast cancer that is exactly what I did. I let the doctors make my decision. I wasn’t active in helping myself. Crazy! I am now the second one and want to know how I can combine conventional treatment with my own healing processes along the way.

The next big thing that stands out is that no matter what the prognosis and the statistics say that is all they are. ‘Everyone is statistically unique; therefore everyone deserves to be treated uniquely. No one person has the same situation as you. No one else has exactly the same body. Your emotions are different, the state of mind is bound to vary and your spirituality differs. You are unique.’ ‘The key thing is individuals do not behave statistically. Individuals behave individually. We are all individuals. If you want an average outcome, do what the average does. If you want an unique outcome, an extraordinary outcome, be logical, regard yourself as you are, unique and do something extraordinary!’

Wow this is so true. This is exactly what we have been saying with the ten point plan. Get up and help yourself because it doesn’t matter what the doctors say. They don’t have a crystal ball. You are in charge of your own destiny.  I love it! I am chomping at the bit to get through the rest of the book.

On the flip side, whilst sitting in the garden I decided a lovely ice lolly would go down a treat and had an epiphany. I should buy lolly moulds to make my own healthy lollies without sugars. I have decided that coconut water lollies would be very tasty! (Oh and maybe a Pimms and lemonade one and gin and tonic one?!)