Changes are coming…..

Our trip up North was brief but jammed pack full of laughs and love. We are already home and I feel in need of getting my life back in order. I have had a very sensitive stomach the last few nights and I think my body is telling me to really start knuckling down and be kind to myself. Food as ever is a sticking point but being good all the time takes effort and will power and I can’t help but want to live a balanced life like everyone else.

I’m looking forward to the week ahead as my mum is coming to stay and she loves getting involved with my morning rituals, exercised, meditation and eating healthily. Starting as I mean to go we are going to do some healthy cooking to extend my repertoire. I do have a busy week too with clients booked in plus hospitals visits. It seems my week off chemo has once again flown by and the next cycle is looming. I have to be grateful though as to how well I feel and for the lack of side effects I have suffered. I pray that it is working though.

With the change in weather I definitely feel a shift in me. The way I feel, I think it is time to start a fresh and start making new clear goals for the near future. I aim to attend the HD brows masterclass this autumn, as well as start the nutrition course. I want to enhance my life by having more treatments and trying out pranic healing and reconnection healing. I have a long visit to Germany coming up and I know that this can leave me feeling out of balance to but I think my new challenge will be to live as healthily as possible when travelling. I am sure if I set my mind to it that it is possible. But I have to remind myself that actually I have been following my mantra, ‘I flow with life’, maybe being less strict and letting things flow without so much of a second thought is healthy for me?

I have so much to look forward to. There are big things coming and I hope that I can continue to live such a great life. It has been a monumental year and I don’t think that is going to change any time soon.

A good friend emailed today, as I hadn’t heard from for some time and he said, ‘Stay hopeful and remember, as I think C.S Lewis said, that our lives and the decisions we make in them become more important as we get older’.

Back to the land of the living and there’s much to see and do!

We’re back to the land of the living. I’m feeling a bit emotional from tiredness and sad at leaving there for yet another year and having made such strong bonds with complete strangers who we can now call friends. There are too many highlights to the week for me to mention but if I had to it would be spending time with our old friends and making new ones. Of course Marsha, our friend’s daughter really made it for me. I mentioned her in my last blog. She has been living with her new parents for 12 years now. She was adopted by Patricia Messenger and her husband Brendan who live in Ireland. Patricia is a radio star and during a work venture to visit orphanages in Russia she saw Marsha. The conditions were unthinkable and unliveable but even though I am sure Patricia would have saved all the children if she could, on seeing Marsha it left her feeling haunted.

Today Marsha lives a rich life full of love and fun and makes the most of every second. They as a family are so lovely to be around. I find myself wanting to sit with Marsha and ensure she is ok but she seems to really take everything in. Her parents treat her so kindly that it fills me up every time I think of them. Such selflessness inspires everyone they meet. I can honestly say most people couldn’t do what they have done and to think that they will care for Marsha for the rest of her life as she needs one to one attention. It certainly puts things into perspective and nothing seems hard really when you see them. I feel honoured and so very grateful.

The moment I walked through the door I started to get my life back in order. The washing has been done. The food shop has been done and my week planned for clients. The food shopping was all important as although we didn’t eat terribly it isn’t the same as eating our foods. My fridge is full of fresh green veggies and fruits and my first home made smoothie today was just great.

I have had time to plough through my emails and there has been a lot of activity with Google alerts on all things triple negative. There is a new phase two clinical trial in the US for a combination of two drugs. See the article here: http://www.cleveland.com/healthfit/index.ssf/2013/09/new_triple_negative_breast_can.html

As well as a very interesting article by Lord Saatchi, introducing a bill aiming to help find a cure for cancer 18 months after he lost his wife to a rare form of the disease. The peer claimed the current treatment was “medieval, degrading and ineffective” and the law was a barrier to a cure. His Medical Innovation Bill aims to prevent doctors from being held liable for clinical negligence if they innovate during cancer treatment. Watch this short film about it; http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-21045287

 

Things coming up in the calendar are, of course, Breast Cancer awareness month in October but also Macmillan Cancer Support are holding their national coffee morning on Friday 27th September. Last year just from holding the coffee mornings and people making small donations they raised £15 million! Macmillan is an integral part of cancer care. They help so many people right from diagnosis to end of life care. Any excuse for tea and cake!! I best try to see if I can make some healthy ones!
Here’s the link to find out more and get your pack to hold your own coffee morning;

http://www.macmillan.org.uk/Aboutus/News/Latest_News/JointheWorldsBiggestCoffeeMorningonFriday27September.aspx

 

Even though we are back from holidays and the summer here definitely seems to have gone our fun hasn’t. We are heading up north this weekend for more friend antics. I honestly can’t remember having so many friends before! How lucky are we?

Meeting old friends and making new ones…..

I’m sat here in sunny Ibiza. It hasn’t been for a few days but thankfully now it is. It’s weird how the weather changes everything.

For the first few days we met some amazing people whilst basking in the sun. Our life stories unfolding. I find it incredible that such strong bonds and friendships can happen in such a short space of time.

But from experience and previous visits here, the friendships we make are life long ones. Every time I come here I go home richer, blessed and so grateful. You wouldn’t think that of such a place where it’s thought to be chaotic and hedonistic.

We have had the pleasure of meeting our good friends who we only met a year ago. They are also incredible people having adopted a blind/deaf child from an orphanage in Russia. I feel humbled and amazed at their strength and unity and above all love.  To be honest it’s been an honour to have their company. And their daughter Marsha has been through so much but seems so switched on and astute and has a hunger for living. Marsha gave me a gorgeous gift including a little glass angel and handmade pot with candle. These have pride of place on my meditation station.

My feelings on arriving in Ibiza were those of nervousness and fear. I wasn’t sure what to expect but I’ve realised that all fear is created by me. I put too much pressure on myself. No one expects anything of me but I do of myself. I don’t want to let myself down by drinking too much and not getting enough sleep for example. I have actually done both of those things and I feel fine about it. Pete says it about balance. Wait till I get home and everything is back to normal. I do worry that I will be ‘punished’. Silly really. I make my own choices and I’m to blame if the outcome isn’t what I want. It’s hard feeling well but knowing you have an illness.

We did toy with this being our last visit to Ibiza for at least a few years but now being here in company of friends, because that’s what the staff here have become, I find it hard to not come back again. The reason for making this decision was that we have so many other places to explore but the magnetic pull of this place is immense. My only wish was that I had will power to stick to water and have early nights!

What’s really important in life?

So I’m packed and ready for yet another holiday as everyone keeps reminding me. It may seem we are away on holiday a lot but not so. We have only a few days to a week away at a time unlike others that have a whole two weeks off work! And bearing in mind we are away in Germany often but that is not out of fun.  Even though I love travelling I actually have this longing to stay at home this time. It hasn’t helped seeing the weather forecast for our destination. It’s going to be rainy apparently. I normally wouldn’t mind as there will be plenty to do plus I will be away with my man. But I really love the day times there and all I want to do is sit in the warm September sun.

Life is funny isn’t it? Are we ever truly happy with what we have? I think I love being at home because I feel safe here. I know I can manage my diet without any distractions and I love my ‘spaces’ in my house. We spend all our evenings in the snug and I love my meditation area in the lounge. I clearly love my bedroom as that is where my bed is!

But there I go again worrying about the future. What will the weather be like? What if it’s rainy? And so on. The most important lesson any of us can learn is that today is more important than anything.

It’s like we all plan for the next experience and then the next. Nothing is ever good enough anymore. I have noticed it’s harder to arrange to see friends these days as everyone has so much booked in their diaries months in advance! I wonder if we are all so uncomfortable in ourselves that by constantly planning and doing we ignore the scary truth that is within us. I have always wondered though what would I do if I didn’t have something to work to or look forward to? The reason we work hard is to have nice things and nice times. It doesn’t define me but it really does make you think what’s really important. I am just happy to be with my Bear. He deserves to have a relaxing time away. We love meeting new people and always do when we are in Ibiza.

I think maybe I am nervous. Yes that’s what it is. I am nervous about leaving my nest.. and my kitty and my work and my home comforts .. and my bed………… Is that a bit sad?

I change like the weather!

I have decided today that despite my negative head that has been lingering for a little while now (I don’t understand it I should be so happy. I am healthy, have so much to be happy about yet still dwell on things. Sometimes I can’t work me out!) That I should try and start making a few changes to make life even better. I am dwindling at a few of the things I should be doing. I am not beating myself up about it but think maybe I should have more control over things and maybe it will keep me focused. I have been doing the same sort of exercise although rotating it for some time now.  The same goes for my morning rituals and my food. I like order but maybe planning things would be better. I have decided that making weekly plans on a Sunday would set me up for the week ahead. I have decided to make a plan of the meals I am to eat during the week. This gives me a chance to experiment and try new things out. Keep it fresh. I will also make a plan for each days exercise. I will do days where I focus mainly on cardio or go for a cycle and another day I will focus purely on weights and so on. I haven’t been doing as much yoga either as I found doing both exercise and yoga was taking too much time in the morning and actually stressing myself out more! Ha ha!

I may even find a yoga class to attend once or twice a week. Maybe that would be good for me. But then I feel the time pressures of having to get there and back. I am a fool to myself. I find things so difficult unless it’s in the comfort of my own home.

I want to schedule doing some art in but then that encroaches on doing work. I can’t schedule everything that would be crazy but I keep forgetting to do things that I love.

I have been feeling a little disconnected recently. I can’t tell whether it’s from being away, feeling odd after having treatment in Germany or if it’s from stopping the anti sickness tablets. All I know is that I want to feel grounded and connected with my spirit. When I’m connected I feel alive and have so much clarity and drive for the future. Today I have felt really within myself again and thought maybe that I spend too much time alone or without talking to someone. When I talk to my clients I forget all my life woes and really enjoy myself. I realised that I actually spend all day without a sound in the house. I don’t play music and don’t have the TV on. So that was it I cranked up some happy disco tunes and did my ironing to them. I felt instantly better. There is a lot to be said about how music affects the soul and uplifts.

I have nothing to be miserable about. I have nothing to worry about. I have to live in the now. Yet I still find my old self dragging me back into the doldrums. It seems so crazy. I have to enjoy now as no one knows what tomorrow brings. I keep thinking it cannot be this easy. I cannot get away with it this lightly. But then I have to adjust myself and think has it really been that easy?! And have I got off lightly at all?! No. I deserve every happiness and the success that comes with it. The old me still thinks I am not doing enough and cuts too many corners. I am not as strict with things like my diet as I have been in the early days but then I was so afraid of everything that I just att greens.

I read yesterday about a guy in Australia who writes a blog and also goes to the same doctor as me in Germany. He also goes to lots of others and lives of a ketogenic diet. It sounds extreme and then started to gt overwhelmed. What if I shold be doing that? A ketogenic diet is where you stop all carbs as they create glucose and we know that glucose is turned into sugar and canSer feeds on sugar. This kind if diet has a high protein element and that includes meats and fats. This is so conflicting to how I feel about diet. I don’t feel eating animal is healthy and eating a more vegan/vegetarian diet with the occasional fish thrown is the way to go. I put so much on diet as I really believe it is completely healing but I obviously don’t put that much into as if I did I would do just the diet thing instead of the conventional treatment and complementary route. I do feel a sense of ‘I’ve had enough’ some days. Not that I want to give but I really don’t know which way to turn. I try to remind myself that I must be doing something right as the canSer has gone from my lymph nodes and it isn’t growing that much which for an aggressive form of canSer is pretty good I think. But I want it all. I want no evidence of disease. I want it to be in remission. And I want to be a miracle! Miracles happen every day, I keep telling myself that. But then I think how hard it is for other people. One lady had to go to John of God six times before her illness went completely. But then I don’t know the facts. Was she having conventional medicine as well? You know I could sit here thinking all day long and still come back full circle.

I went for acupuncture today. The lady I see does fifth element acupuncture. Chinese philosophy recognises five distinct elements of cyclical change called water, wood, fire, earth, and metal. These five elements can be related to our four seasons (with a fifth late summer season). The elements can also be related to different colours, emotion, taste, voice and various organs. These can also be related to the selection of food and herbs. Each person’s physical and mental constitution can be described as a balance of the elements in which one or more may naturally dominate. The proportion of the elements in a person determines his or her temperament. Oriental medicine considers the ideal condition as one in which all the five elements are in balance or in harmony. Wood is said to be the mother of fire and the son of water. (Water allows wood to grow, wood provides fuel for the fire). Using these relationships one can describe all possible yin-yang imbalances within the body. The thrust of five element diagnosis is to isolate and treat the imbalanced element, because an imbalanced element is like a weak link in your energetic chain that can undermine the strength of your mind, body and spirit.

At my appointment today I was told that I was either earth or fire. The dominating element is yet to show itself fully as she is still working that out. I am not surprised if it is earth as I often feel out of balance and want to feel grounded.

Mary worked a lot on my digestive system today as I have been feeling out of sync and my appetite hasn’t been normal over the weekend. I desperately want to feel connected to my spirit again and hope that over the next few days I will start to feel like good old me again; full of beans, full of smiles and full of positivity. I don’t suit being subdued. I sparkle when I talk to other people. Maybe it’s the change of the seasons coming I said yesterday that something big feels like it is going to happen and I can’t put my finger on it.

Ever since I have booked to do the nutrition course I have started to worry about getting the work done and have I made a mistake. This is not helped by my state of mind. But maybe it isn’t my ego or fear getting in the way. Maybe I am just being practical? I am going to going to Germany for almost two weeks in October for further treatment and there are many things in the pipeline that could potentially trip me up. On the other hand with winter coming it could be good to get myself stuck into something.

So in order to find out if I should postpone I asked the school if I could delay starting if I needed to. They have said that I can start at the end of October, January, March or May. This is great news. I will think about it over the week ahead. We are off on holibobs again. I know it seems like we are having so much fun away all the time but actually we have only had one week away a month ago. I am packed and ready. Just tomorrows clients to do then we are off for a week in the sun and some time to think or not. I’m not sure thinking is good for me!

I already feel so much better and now I have written this I am back to my old self. It’s crazy.. I would almost say it’s hormonal like…. I am a woman after all! I change like the weather!

 

An unsettled weekend and an unsettled me….

We decided that we should have some time at home this weekend. So we spent a few days doing garden chores and really just taking our time.

We went out for dinner on Friday night to a local pub which turned out to be ghastly food. Very disappointed and worst of all we felt yuk. Going to bed feeling full and unsatisfied is not good. That put me on a bad foot for the whole weekend with food. I had lovely fresh fruit juices and vegetable smoothies as I always do but I simply did not have an appetite. Normally I am starving but I just didn’t feel like eating. This of course isn’t good as I need food as my medicine. I normally crave foods and can imagine lovely crunchy salads but nothing was doing it for me. Even when Pete made a fresh fish curry full of rustic veggies and tomatoes I was that off my food that I started feeling very shaky and eventually was sick. I’ll say it again… it’s so unlike me. Yesterday wasn’t much better. We bought lots of lovely vegan fresh tapas bites but I just didn’t fancy a thing… except a scone with cream and jam! I could have gone without that too but it was calling my name! I know I mustn’t eat sugar or dairy but sometimes even I have to give in. Of course the lack of food this weekend has an impact on my weight. I’ve dropped a few pounds but I think the thing I notice most of all is my mood. I’m lacking something. I feel disconnected from my intuition and I don’t ‘feel’ like I am feeling anything. It’s very odd. I can’t put my finger on it but things feel different at the moment, like changes are coming…

We had two lovely morning lay ins and I didn’t get up till nearly eaten am yesterday! That’s like 12 hours in bed! It wasn’t all spent sleeping though. Peter spent many hours reading in the night and has been feeling unsettled. He has been giving me so much love and at night he whispers how much he loves me and squeezes me tight. I know all this is so hard on him and we do talk about how confused we are with life. We know that it’s all about love but it’s sad to think that one day one of us will be without the other. It just doesn’t seem fair. It poses that question, what is life all about? It doesn’t bare thinking about really and now is all that is important. I know all this, yet it still seems to be lingering in the air. We both feel like something big is about to happen and have been feeding each other’s energy all weekend. Despite having a great time together we both seemed so unsettled. It’s as if we haven’t got anything major planned we are both very aloof. I normally love just milling about and yesterday ended up being a great day. We ventured over to Witney and bumped into our friends briefly, who always cheer us up. Thenwe did a spot of retail shopping buying things like a mixing bowl and measuring cups for cooking (I will be making something very soon I know it!) as well as few items for my next holiday. (I know, I know I shouldn’t but let’s work on one thing at a time!) We then made our way to Millets Farm. To our surprise they had a chilli fiesta on. There were many stands with something containing chilli such as plants, jams, chutneys, beers, sauces,  jewellery and the list goes on. Pete was in heaven trying out samples. I, thankfully, am not eating chilli at present ever since my distant healing with john of God. It says in the notes that I shouldn’t have chilli for forty days… um ok then!

The reason for our visit to the farm to was to stock up on frozen berries for my morning smoothies. It gets very expensive buying fresh fruit and eating them within a certain time so that they do not go off. Having frozen berries means they last longer, are fresher and are lovely and cold which is perfect for cooling smoothies without the need for ice. I bought blueberries, strawberries and raspberries. All considered super foods and full of antioxidants.

On arriving home I started getting myself ready for our holiday later this week. I did my toenails and waxing and started dragging everything out of my wardrobe.

I finished reading Spirit Junkie by Gabby Bernstein this weekend too. I really understood her lessons and can take a lot from it. I understand when I am feeling negative that it is my ego butting in and trying to make me dwell on the past and fear the future. Sometimes I simply cannot believe that I am so well and my ego creeps in and tries to drag me down and become miserable again. I am this lucky because I love myself and work hard at being well I deserve to feel better so I have to keep reminding myself that it doesn’t all have to end in misery. I don’t have to be another statistic.

Whilst lying awake at night the mind plays silly games. All our fears and worries are escalated and that’s what happened to Pete and I this weekend. We even started doubting the treatment I receive from Germany. We started wondering why is it that now I am going to have the gamma delta cell treatment. Does it mean that the dendritic cell treatment hasn’t worked. Or does it simply mean it’s the next step? Could I still be this well if I didn’t have the treatments and simply had chemo on its own? I guess the only way to know would be if I gave the foreign treatment a miss for some time and see what happens. But neither of us is willing to do that. The last thing we want is for canSer to take a hold.

I have spent my last minutes before sleep and sometimes when I awake praying to Dr Jose Valdevino, the entity that John of God said would heal me. I have had a few odd pictures come to my mind when praying, such as men’s faces. I hope that he is helping me and that on my next scan, which will be a few months away, that the tumour are gone. I can but hope because, that’s all there is.

I have also been working on visualisations. I still see lots of mini me’s hoovering the tumours and the lymph nodes being polished so they are shiny. I try to see nothing there but then I would simply stop hoovering so I figure it’s best to keep imagining me sucking them up. I have a very powerful Dyson!

After I have finished work today I am going to have reflexology. Ahhh I can’t wait. I have had quite an upset stomach today. No need for a coffee enema. I haven’t had one for about three weeks now. No need when I have a tummy like this. I need to be kind to myself and I need to reconnect. I have so much to be happy for and I have to keep reminding myself of this. Onwards and upwards…..