April Fools Day… no fooling me.

It’s April Fool’s day today. The first of April and I have not been fooled! Woohoo!

The last day of our weekend off and it’s been lovely having the Bear all this time although the poor thing isn’t feeling well. I must have worked him too hard. Every single day this weekend we have been working on the house, decorating, gardening, sorting out things and it feels really good knowing that it is all done but it also feels that we haven’t had time to relax. The way I see it is we have plenty of opportunities to go away and this weekend would have been very busy and expensive had we decided to go away. I hope Pete doesn’t feel too hard done by. I have worked him ragged. Time for some snuffles me thinks.

It’s good looking at what we have achieved. I have a shiny new room waiting for furniture and flooring but I can’t wait till it’s all done and guests can stay in there. I want it to be like a hotel.  People already say it’s like staying at a B and B when they come here. Hopefully they will think it’s a bit better now. More boutique hotel or guest house!

Last night neither of us slept a wink. I feel terrible today but I know that tomorrow I will be fine. I lie there thinking of stupid things that need to be done but really don’t matter. I try to use my time lying awake to visualise but I just didn’t feel like it last night. It worries me. Blimey everything worries. But it worries me all the same when I am not feeling like I want to fight. I feel like I am being lazy again. I have to get it out of my head. But if anyone else was to embark on this journey of mine where I am meant to be ‘good’ all the time then it would get very tiresome all round. I reckon I am more ‘naughty’ than good but for some reason I can justify it. Well I have to because I’d feel guilty otherwise and this is negative and will have a negative impact on my health.

The weather is dreary today and my motivation is low. Since the long weekend began I haven’t meditated, done yoga, heat and air or exercise. I figured it was best to get to work so using my time wisely also that going up and down ladders, moving furniture and using a paint roller was exercise enough.  It’s mad how things are so psychological. It’s so much with how we feel in our heads and the body responds.

It has been 7 weeks since my last scan. I haven’t yet received an appointment for my next scan but I anticipate it will be in May some time making it probably 12 weeks in total from my last one. I think I am already starting to get a little anxious about it. The past 7 weeks have flown but at the same time it feels like it was ages ago that I had the good news. I think I feel anxious because I can’t tell how I am feeling. I can’t explain what I mean. I usually have a strong gut feeling and maybe I have lost it over the last few days but I can’t tap into it. I don’t know why I am feeling this way?

I need to focus a lot more on my head space and try not to get distracted with mundane tasks that aren’t really that helpful to me. That’s the problem with life is that it can be so distracting if we let it. I don’t want to take anything for granted and I want to continue to feel grateful every single day that the Universe allows me to have. Ok I get it. I am tired. I am over thinking things and allowing myself to feel exposed and vulnerable. There is a part of me that always feels I could do better. I reckon we are all longing for a change. I like change and that includes the seasons. We need spring now! I need to spend more time in Mother Nature and I need to feel the air and the warmth outside. I am a hermit!

It occurred to me the other night (whilst lying awake again) that the reason I am spending so much time doing my house up and I know how others may find it odd in my position doing such mundane things like sprucing the house up. But I know why I am doing it and will continue to make it better and nicer. It’s because we don’t intend on moving from here and I am going to be alive for another 60 years I reckon so the house has to be in tip top condition and I have to love being here every minute. It’s part of my biggest goal- to live till I’m 100! In order for that goal to be achieved I have to achieve smaller goals like getting my house sorted, my health sorted and making sure we can afford to live in our twilight years…. So there… J If that isn’t having a positive outlook then I don’t know what is!

Part of me really wants to go and get more work done and the other part of me thinks it’s time to relax. Part of the ten point plan is making time for relaxation and me time. I think I have plenty of it but I am always busy. I’m back to the hospital tomorrow for my clinic appointment and bloods to be taken then I am back on chemo on Wednesday. The week off chemo goes so quickly. But if it keeps me well and keeps the canSer at bay then I have nothing to moan about do I?

Right that’s eat I am going to eat loads of homemade concoctions and snuffle up to the poorly Bear. He ‘needs’ me. That’s what I tell him anyway!

Anyway to finish off here’s a good laugh. The top ten April Fools jokes of all time;


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