Back to reality with a bump!

Well it’s been a while and I thought as I was on holiday that I would take time off from everything. At first I thought time was going really quickly but as the week drew on I was actually feeling like I had been there forever! We had mornings when we got up and got our trainers on and walked with all the locals along the esplanade for about an hour. It seems they are a healthy nation and power walking and running are done frequently.

There were days we over indulged at night partying till the early hours then the next day just stayed by the pool to rest it off. We walked for hours and ate great food and loved each other.

I was ready for home but it’s always sad when a holiday comes to an end. The reality of life starts to kick in and the all that holiday romance goes away. Work and life reminds you that you can’t live in that bubble forever. I don’t really get the holiday blues I get the feeling of panic or dread that I have got canSer. Even though I talk about it to people that I meet it isn’t the same as the realisation that everything could change in a flash. And for me that’s so true as today I am going for my CT scan. It’s been three months already and I have to say I haven’t had any thoughts about it for the last week and I am bit worried that I haven’t made a big enough effort to become as strong as I could do to really get rid of the little suckers inside.

We had some exciting days out with friends and we also made new ones. I met two lovely guys by the pool one day. I thought I recognised one but couldn’t place it until they introduced themselves. Nate James was a contestant on The Voice Uk this year but has previously been a singer for many years with successful albums and Mobo awards. A little snippet of who he is;

I was obviously very excited to have met him and his guitarist Dan. We spent hours together chatting and evenings drinking at the Port. They are such nice guys. Dan Rennie Wood has just cycled form London to Paris on a Boris Bike for Macmillan and raised over £10,000. For such a great cause and doing such a hard trial on a bike that isn’t really equipped for that distance.

Today I went to the hospital for my clinic appointment, blood tests and the 3 monthly CT scan. I was there all day. I took my Zest magazine and bided my time with tips and news on health and fitness. I don’t relish having my ct scan but was also not prepared for the oncologist to tell me to come immediately back after having the CT scan to give my results! I normally wait for two weeks but as she wanted to know what to prescribe regarding chemo she felt that we ought to know today.

I discussed with her about the chemo and she said that it really is beneficial to have the same dose of chemo as long as I am tolerating it. I understand that not rocking the boat is definitely the way forward.  So off I trotted had my scan then waited for another hour for my results? It was a simply remark, ‘stable’. I was initially very pleased with that but then the oncologist said that there had been a tiny increase in the lung nodules of 1mm so she felt it was so insignificant that there was definitely nothing to change. Me being me came away with my mind whirring. I am pleased with it but decided to print out all reports I had received in the last year. There are six in total. I now realise that I have five nodules; two in the left lung and three in the right lung. It is the right lung they have compared sizes to this time and say that the increase is from 8mm to 9mm in one of the nodules. That’s it. No other information. There is a positive though….. They say there has been no change in the left lung since the last time. Now looking at the last scan report from May it says that the nodules are too small to assess! I am getting so confused. What one radiologist says the other doesn’t remark on. I am not complaining. I am just trying to understand. The fact is that the nodules that are there are bigger than they were when I was first told about them in July last year by about double, although incredibly tiny. The good news too is there is no spread and there still isn’t any in my lymph nodes. So all is not lost… I just want good news! More of it! I am greedy! I know I shouldn’t focus on getting rid of them; just keeping them stable would be good enough. I think about Kris Carr all the time and she is living over ten years on with the tumours staying the same. I just really wonder though is she doing it all without conventional treatment? It comes back to knowing what is actually working and what isn’t. I am in a place where I am happy to continue with everything that I am doing but part of me still wonders should I eliminate some things to see what happens?

I do wonder if it’s because I have been less kind to my body of late. Many birthdays, anniversaries and holidays have meant more acidity in the form of alcohol and less sleep.  Have I been lacking in the visualisation front? I don’t think so but I always have a feeling it has gone. Am I in denial?

All I know is that when the Bear comes home tonight he will give me a pep talk and then get back to it stronger than before. It just scares me that life is going to be like this forever. Ignorance is bliss. I get tired if knowing about it. I just wish it was a lazy slacking kind of canSer that would take thirty years to ever have any major affect on me and do any harm. That’s the thing with triple negative. In its nature it’s very aggressive. I have to give myself credit then because if that’s the case I am batting it back rather well. Ok it is bigger in some respects but less of it in others. This time last year the naughty little suckers were in my lymph nodes. Now there is none. This is all progress. But it goes to show how it changes all the time!

So it’s Gods and the Universes way of tapping me on my shoulder and saying,’ Come on You… stop slacking.’ I now wonder whether I should go for some major dietary changes. I have been really getting into following Polly Noble and Tanya Alekseeva, better known as Better Raw, recently. They are such advocates for healthy raw, vegan food and there is so much sense in it as it provides all the necessary nutrient rich foods needed to heal a body. I guess I always wonder if I go to all that effort and things don’t improve could I have been living easier… Silly way to think really. What I need to think is that it will do me good. No doubt about it. And wouldn’t I rather feel good than sluggish and tired a lot?

Well we are already stating on the right footing as Pete has decided to do a juice fast for health reasons for two weeks starting yesterday. I am going to go as raw as possible during this time and see how much I benefit from it. Maybe it’s something we can continue forever?

That means no alcohol during this time also. I think it’s a great idea as it is an incentive for me not to drink anything or be tempted to. I have really considered having therapy to give up completely. My problem is that I feel like I am missing out if I am not included in the party. It’s silly really as I was reading about Zoe Ball today who has become tee-total and is loving life. I wonder if I will be boring by constantly saying ‘No’ to a glass of champagne. I always want to be part of the fun and drinking has always been a major part of my fun. Time to rethink me thinks!

Right so the Bear has returned from work and now time for my pep talk… I’ll be back with my plan of action shortly I am sure. All fired up and ready for the next three months…….

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