I got up today with big intentions to crack on and get really tucked into the nutrition course I am going to be studying online. It started a bit too soon for me as I was away on holiday and a new module opens each week so I have already been falling behind. So today I thought I would dedicate an afternoon to it and catch up. Unfortunately in my haste and panic last week I emailed the course administrator to discuss the possibility of postponing the start of the course till October so that I wouldn’t miss too much as I am away in October for about two weeks and wasn’t sure f ii would be able to get anything done whilst away. Bearing in mind I simply asked to see what their thoughts were. Unfortunately they have already gone and moved me onto the October course and as I sat down today to get cracking on the course content I found I couldn’t log on. Boo! I have felt frustrated all day. I think I have made a boo boo. I should have stopped worrying and just got on with the course… Now I have to wait until the end of October to get started. Ever since I have booked myself on the course I have been having doubts. I get a bit like that when I am nervous. I think I am anxious of the expense spent on the course and I am feeling pressure as I really want to succeed and put it to good use but I doubt my ability and my drive and motivation.
I decided instead to crack on with other things that have been on my to do list such as updating my mood board. The more I think about what I want to achieve out of life the more I get frustrated. I don’t think I have a clear set of goals. The thought of canSer hanging over my head makes me feel restricted. I won’t let it stop me from my daily life and my aspirations but I am a simple girl with simple needs. All I want is for Peter and I to be happy, earn a good living and be in love. I want the nice things like see the world and have time out and to continue my work as a therapist. I’d like to expand my repertoire every now and then but I am now not sure what I really want?!
I want to inspire people. I want to help people. I want to be a person who is calm and above all happy with myself. I want to be healthy and canSer free. To do these things I think I am on the right track with my daily routine of exercise, meditation and yoga. I know I need to up the ante with my diet and really become ultra focussed. But when things become second nature I forget that they are good for me and that I am actually making a huge effort and being a ‘good’ girl!
I also did a coffee enema today, the first one in over a month. As expected I am buzzing from the caffeine. I do feel clearer though. It’s great to have a clear out but one must have probiotics after.
I have also been de-cluttering my study drawer. It’s definitely the time of year for a huge change. I feel colder and the lack of daylight has an impact on the way I feel. I know I have been abroad only recently but one of the main things on my mood board is foreign holidays and destinations. I want to see the world. I would love to have a few months away with Pete but then I forget that it would be impossible for me to do that as I have to have my bloods taken every three weeks for chemo to start again. CanSer sucks. Although, I can’t feel sad. I watched This Morning today and a lady was on there that has canSer and has her nose and roof of her mouth removed. At that very point I thought to myself how very lucky I am. There are always people much worse off than ourselves. I am so grateful for the way I feel and the fact I am actually very well considering my diagnosis.
Time to put things back into perspective and stop moaning. OK today didn’t go as planned but I did get lots of good things ticked off my list. I am just a bit cross at myself for having doubts and now will have to start my course at a later date. It’s the old saying of, ‘be careful for you wish for’….