Almost at the end of my birthday celebrations.. Just one more weekend.

I’m sitting here in what feels like summer heat but no sunshine. To be expected in England. But I don’t mind. I have the last of my birthday celebrations this weekend when I am being taken to Cornwall by my hubby, back to The Scarlet hotel. I am really excited!

To be honest I am all ‘birthdayed’ out and am looking forward to normality… Hmmm if that exists!

I have been trying to get back to a routine and have to admit sleep is returning back to normal.. Ye-ha! I love my bed!

I am a little frustrated as I am still waiting to hear back from the lab in Greece and Dr Nesselhut to book an appointment for my next visit. I am trying to stay positive and not let fear get the better of me. My next scans are confirmed for the end of July. I keep thinking maybe I should go and have a TACE session with Prof Vogl soon just so I am having something that I know works for me. But I am reminded again that one maybe not be very helpful.

When will I ever learn patience? I am not sure that is something a canSer survivor has. If I sat waiting around then I am sure I would not be here.

Yesterday I had training on how to edit my new website. It isn’t quite ready to launch yet but hopefully once I have updated all the information then people will find it really helpful. Lots of work to be done……that and knitting. I have abandoned the knitting recently but babies are going to be born soon and I haven’t made them a blanket! Ha ha!

Keep an eye out for some lovely pictures of this weekend in Cornwall… I’ll post them next week.

Cya!

I made it to forty! Woohoo!

It’s been and gone already! Can you believe I made it to forty? I have to admit I doubted I would actually make this birthday when I was told almost three years ago that I had a limited life expectancy. I put my fortieth birthday as a goal and when the brain tumours arrived at the end of last year I have to admit I had a sinking feeling. But that’s life and all the excitement it gives.. You never know what’s going to happen next and for me things have so far turned out fine. Milking the celebrations we were surrounded by close friends at the weekend and we partied the day and night away at home having a BBQ. Despite the aftermath of cleaning and washing it was worth it all…. absolutely hilarious. Monday was my actual birthday and my Bear took the day off work and we mooched in London.

Never forgetting about having a terminal disease I also coordinated visiting the Biolab in London for some bloods to be taken. Since I saw Dr Nesselhut last he has had a meeting with the head guy from RGCC, the company does that all the blood tests for chemosensitvity. Both men decided that they think they may be able to create an antigen to use on me for the specific canSer that I have. This means completely personalised treatment. I don’t really know much else. As expected I have been kept in the dark despite asking over and over by telephone and email what is happening, what do I need to do and when can I have it done? Luckily I did find out that I needed to have blood drawn to be sent to their lab in Greece. So this is why I thought I would get it done on Monday, my birthday. The blood is now winging its way to Greece and I await some sort of confirmation what is going to happen next, however I feel that I will calling for the umpteenth time next week. I am concerned I am not having enough treatment and fear that my next scan results may not be brilliant.

I am aware I have had some indulgence recently but life should be lived and I am not about to shy away from a good party when I know I bloody well deserve it! I have dates for my next MRI and CT scans- the end of July… can you believe that will be three months from my gamma knife procedure? Back to my birthday, (well it is all about me!)Pete and I had a lovely day walking in the park, eating tasty food, shopping (naturally!) and then headed home for some cuddles and much needed good night’s sleep. This forty lark isn’t so bad. I don’t feel forty. I hopefully don’t look forty and I certainly don’t feel I am coming to the end. It’s so bizarre how the head rules.

I know I can conquer this…. So right now I am at my mum’s in not so sunny Poole, continuing the celebrations further. I miss my Bear but he has to work, so instead us girls; me, mum and my sister will make the most of it. They have something up their sleeves for me over the next few days. How exciting! I have never felt so loved and spoilt from all the lovely gifts and good wishes as I have done this week. I really cannot be happier that I am still here to see this age. And as much as I know my Bear will say, he never had any doubts about it. I did not. I now know I can do anything I just have to believe it. Research and trials are moving fast and we just have to keep going until they can keep us alive indefinitely. I bid you all a ‘speak later ‘until I am settled back at home next week. Life is going to settle down just briefly before the next birthday celebration in a few weekends time…This is one birthday that I will never forget.

Thank you one and all… (Bear I’m missing you… Mwah!) A big fortieth Light and Love. Claire XX

6 years of Happily Ever After….

Saturday 19th July was our sixth wedding anniversary. Can’t quite believe it has gone so quickly yet feels like it was only yesterday. We spent the day just chilling and being together. We sat in the garden throughout the thunder storms and had a little dance in the rain. I have felt so very happy recently, mainly when Pete is home and we are just spending time in our safe place. Just like the engraving in our wedding rings says, ‘Happily ever after’…

 

Short and Sweet… X

The fact is ‘things’ don’t make you happy…

My trip to Tooting was a doddle on the train last Thursday. I arrived nice and early and the lady who was meeting me had everything prepared. I packed my bag and got straight back on my way home again. Simplezzzz.

I started that evening with the first of three interleukin 2 jabs. I found a new little area on my tummy to inject and in it went. That night I started to feel headachy and flu like again. I didn’t sleep at all. I am so surprised that 3ml of the stuff has such an effect on me. I am not complaining!

The next day I did the second one and I thought I definitely won’t feel rough again… wrong! This time I took paracetemol to alleviate the symptoms and slept much better.

Since then I have also started on the scorpion venom… I know it sounds hilarious. I take 1ml under the tongue and hold it there for five minutes. Seems fine so far. It’s too early to know if it is actually doing anything. I am repeating it three times throughout the day.

Saturday was an exciting day… For the last fifteen years Peter has wanted to go to the Air Tattoo at RAF Fairford. I booked it for his birthday treat and invited some friends up from London. The weather forecast wasn’t great but we had everything crossed.

The day went like a dream. We watched the whole display in an enclosure with brunch included and the Pimms flowed. The sun shone and we were so happy we could see the aircrafts making their beautiful patterns in the sky. For us the Red Arrows are always the best… well they are British after all! Pete had a small tear… Bless him. We both said a big thank you to the Universe for the day being so lovely.

 

Yesterday we said goodbye to our friends and headed down to Brighton to our boat. Sadly we had to pack up our belongings on her as she is being sold. It isn’t complete yet but hopefully it will go through. Reluctantly we are selling because we need the funds for more treatment.  Pete was devastated and it was actually very emotional being there and seeing how wonderful she is. She has looked after us through some turbulent times and we have laughed, danced, sang, had barbeques, cuddled up and cried on her in the last four years. She has been there the whole time I have been diagnosed. It’s the only place Pete sleeps like a baby in her womb-like cabin. It’s like she has a soul and we felt like we were betraying her. I felt terrible. I have never adapted to boating like Pete so for me I thought it wouldn’t be so hard to let her go but actually I felt such sadness and guilt combined.  I hate the fact that Pete has to let go of something he loves so much. But he says he loves me more and will do anything for me.

The fact is ‘things’ don’t make you happy. We have many memories- good and bad of Waterloo Sunset but ultimately we have more freedom and more new experiences ahead of us. With great sadness we left her behind all ready for new adventures with someone who cares as much as we do, hopefully.

Last evening was the World Cup football final; Germany against Argentina. As you know we are huge German fans. I had crossed everything in the hope that they would win just so that Pete’s day would improve ever so slightly…. And they did! Yay! There was a least a little smile on the Bears face before bed.

 

 

Today is Bears birthday and I can’t wait for him to come home and open his presents and have a wonderful evening together. He may be older but he gets better with age and more loving and caring, if that is at all possible. Happy Birthday My One! XXX

Two years and I’m still going strong!

Today is the anniversary of the day we got told I had only two years to live, that the canSer had spread to my lungs and it was incurable…

Well here I am fitter, brighter, happier than ever.

My life has been enriched by the support of so many people and my love for life and everything in it grows every day.

My hubby gets ever more lovely and my heart grows daily.

I am so happy I have made it this far but want to strive for the miracle of being canSer free and to be here for many more years to come.

For anyone that finds themselves in my position, don’t believe everything you are told and find the strength in your gut to keep going.

We, Bear and I, will be here for you and together we can prove the doctors wrong.

Light and love everyone…

Today’s another day to be grateful… Another entry for my gratitude jar.

X

Seriously, it was the best birthday ever!

I know I say I have had the most love filled awesome time ever, probably almost every Monday after every weekend. And I am blessed with having so many great experiences and times with my hubby and friends and family BUT this weekend was the best of the best… The best one ever! (oh, oh, oh…One Direction song springs to mind!)

It was my official birthday weekend and we spent two nights in Mawgan Porth, Cornwall at an exclusive hotel called The Scarlet Hotel. http://www.scarlethotel.co.uk/

There aren’t enough words to describe the utter beauty, the views, the service, and how we were totally blessed with the weather. England is the best place to be in the world when we have great weather.

Our room overlooked the bay where the surf was crashing on the shore and we watched dogs and their owners, surfer’s bobbing out in the waves and children running and screaming with joy.  We joined them in the screaming and the running and tested the water temperature… Cold but invigorating.

From the moment we arrived we just felt like we must be in heaven. We were full to the brim with happiness and love and gratefulness. We ate at top celebrity chef restaurants and mooched about all day. Everyone was friendly and seemed to be so very happy too….

We slept with our door open at night to hear the waves crashing and it took me a night to realise that that’s just how loud waves are and that there wasn’t a storm.

Every morning we were woken by a knock at the door and greeted with a fresh pot of green tea. Seriously I cannot express just how brilliant it was. Pete and I laughed so much and looked at the scenery in awe. We played like children with our new purchase, a boogie board, and squealed with laughter when the waves caught us and we skimmed to shore (losing shorts and biking bottoms on the way!)

 

Leaving yesterday was sad but we still had a lot to see. On our way, we went to another beautiful surfing bay and then to Port Isaac where the well known programme Doc Martin is filmed. This tiny fishing village was buzzing. We sought after Cornish delights then climbed the steep hills to start our journey home.

God really was looking out for us as we came across two accidents on our route which we just missed each time. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Once home and unpacked and tucked up in our soft comfy clothes we tucked into our tasty delights; Cornish pasty followed by Saffron cake with Cornish clotted cream and a bottle of pink fizz bought for me by my lovely client. A brilliant end to my 39th birthday. I feel my 40th may be hard to beat but I sure know that I am going to be fighting fit to get there in a years’ time… I have a big week ahead of me.

 

Happy Anniversary Bear..Where has the time gone?

How time has flown but yet feels like I have been with Pete all my life. We have decided to go back to where we had our wedding reception with friends and celebrate in style. The weather is till baking so we have drinks and a Frisbee to play in Hyde Park in London too. Yet another fun filed weekend ahead as we take advantage of the sun we are back down to our little boating retreat, Brighton. I’m really getting a taste for it.

Anyway all the details and more to come on Monday. I’ve got to get myself on the road! Cheerio!

 

How I love my best friend and husband! Happy Anniversary bear. X

Another year older….

So I’m a year older… I’m officially 38 years old. And I feel it. I am getting too old for partying! Ha ha.

Friday evening I felt a little unsure as to what the weekend would hold for me. I knew my friend was coming to stay as we celebrate our birthdays together, being that her birthday is two days after mine. I had left the organising of the weekend in Pete’s hands but as nothing had been said figured that we would just be having a ‘quiet one’. Pete had said that he would be surprising me… I thought the surprise would be there was no surprise!

Saturday morning came and I had a lovely little brekkie of boiled eggs and dipping soldiers. I had decided that my juicing could go a miss for a few days whilst I enjoyed my birthday.

Around mid morn8ing my friends arrived then some other friends to watch the Lions play rugby. Then….. more people started arriving…. Friends who I didn’t know would be coming all the way from Brighton and some I haven’t seen for a while! It was lovely… not taking much notice of what they were wearing I hadn’t considered why they were all dressed scruffily. I thought that’s just how they dressed. The day had plenty of banter then we were told that we would be doing some activities and would get dirty… Uh oh. I wondered if Pete knew me at all! I hate being embarrassed, put under pressure to do things and generally be involved in group activities. I did grumble quite a bit but that’s just nerves. The afternoon was filled with archery, shooting and pilot racing! 12 of us all had a go and despite the weather trying to make it terrible it was actually a good afternoon and yet another surprise for us all! We got home and changed to party the night away. Pete and his sous chef made paella which was delicious and then birthday cake…another surprise!

A long and very funny day… I didn’t get to bed til 4am!

Yesterday was a bit of a struggle and I slept for a lot of it as soon as I had cleaned the house and made bacon butties for the masses. I have a smile on my face even if today I am still not feeling myself. All the excitement and birthday drinks me thinks! (3 magnums of champagne and cocktails!) I was spoilt rotten and bought some lovely thoughtful gifts by everyone. J

I can’t wait for bed yet again… ha ha! But what a wonderful birthday and so much trouble Pete went to keep it a secret from me. He’s a good man.

I’m working today and on my penultimate day of chemo. All has been going swimmingly…..Clinic tomorrow to discuss my next move.

Tonights the Ladies Charity Garden party! Pampering, Shopping and The Raffle! Perfect!

In the news today was the headline that Cancer research UK believe there is a rise in Breast canSer in the under 50’s mainly due to an increase in the consumption of alcohol. This rages me… How do they know that for sure? They don’t. They told me they had no idea what caused the canSer I have and when asking if there is anything I could do they said no except exercise and eat a Mediterranean diet. Such sweeping statements simply puts the fear into everyone. Does it mean people will drink less alcohol- No. Because getting canSer is never going to happen to you right?! Boy we wouldn’t do anything if we listened to everything on the news!

Enough of my ranting… I’m packed for my weekend in Rome. I’m very excited but before that I’m ultra excited about tonight’s event- The Ladies Charity Garden party being held by my two good friends. There will be pampering on offer as well as clothes being sold by Sassi clothes store in Witney and then it comes to the main event -The Raffle! I’m astounded by the generosity of people’s donations. I’m donating treatments- teeth whitening and HD brows. There are haircuts, a two night stay at Caswell House, a beautiful hotel in Oxfordshire, 2 entry tickets to Crocodile World, some fizz (donated by my Bear) plus much, much more! Tres excited!

The total now for the charities is £6153. Plus today I collected another £80 from my nail lady who has been selling bracelets for me. It’s funny to think I only set a target of £2500 when I had the idea do making them! Speaking of my nail lady- I love seeing her. She makes me feel so positive. People like that are so important in your life.

This week has been so much better. I’ve been less tired and I think that this is due to having LESS sleep and getting up earlier. I don’t feel pushed for time in the mornings. In fact I have been getting all my rituals done by 9am. For me that’s good!

I’ve been reading the chapter on meditation in my book. Ian Gawler firmly believes it helps lead to recovery. By letting the body deeply relax and the thinking brain to relax we become calm and still. It helps us ‘let go’ and regain our balance. But even after meditating most people find it easier to tap into that calmness even during their normal daily lives. It makes you more mindful and grateful. I’m not saying I’m great at it. In fact my mind races a lot but I am amazed at how still I become and how quick time passes.

So counting down the days to my next scan…5 days….. I’m sure I should be working harder on visualisations but I simply cannot see disease inside. I hope I’m not in denial and ignoring my body. I feel well, confident and happy….

 

I received mail from a lady in the US today who is contact with another survivor here in the UK. She feels fear and emptiness and panicked having two small children. Of course I have offered to chat and counsel if possible but I find it almost odd that I was that fearful and that feeling that it must be fixed now or else I’ll run out time and that balance that it’s taking over your whole being. I wish I could give my feelings to her and let her know that time slows down when you stop trying to control everything. I hope will be able to help anyone with questions. But starting small is definitely the greatest advantage. To think that apparently I have only a year left! So much has changed but I forget what all those changes are?! I now get more love now that I ever did. The cuddles from my Bear are insurmountable! And I know now if I didn’t ever have canSer again life will always be this good… no matter what…..

So thinking of the bank holiday weekend, I hope that everyone in the south enjoys the weather. It’s looking good. For me I’m going to make a wish at the Trevi fountain, be like a Roman! (Walk in straight lines! Ha!) and eat spaghetti and drink valpolicella!

Ciao Bella! (That’s all I know! Apart from outing ‘io’ on the end of everything… Ha ha!)

Life’s good and a hen night tonight to top it off!

My day started early yesterday with a phone call with Mark Newey. He wanted to catch up and discuss things since I had the two days therapy with him incorporating hypnotherapy and life coaching and NLP. He had given me homework to do which comprised of me listing what my top ten values in life re. This may seem a simple task but you list about 30 to begin with then whittle them down to ten. My list consists of the following;

1. Happiness

2. Honesty

3. Gratitude

4. Intuition

5. Laughter

6. Fun

7. Peace

8. Motivation

9. Uniqueness

10. Courage

It’s a good list I think. The list of values can change regularlgy too as I change. I think it reflects me at the moment. it’s really worth trying and seeing what is most important to you. Most of the time the value that is the most important can be the one thing you lack most in your life and what you strive for. Mine is happienss. I certainly don’t lack it anymore!

Other homework was to list all good and bad things that happened throughout my life on a scale of one to ten and also questions about cultural pressures. It was very enlightening. I had done the homework about a month ago so it was interesting to see how things have changed in just a month. Mark is so upbeat and it’s great to get someone else’s view on things and to actually let go of the old stuff that can linger there and be of no use to anyone. It puts so much in perspective. It was really good talking to him, a bit like an old friend and we have agreed when either are in the vicinity we would keep in touch.

The rest of my day was a really pleasant and easy one. In fact it was quite girly. I am going on my best friends hen do tonight so I spent time doing my nails, deciding what to wear and doing a tan. I have succumbed to the grotty weather. At the end of my tether with having no warmth from the sunshine and having no tan I decided to do myself a fake tan. 8 hours later and I have a healthy glow. It makes such a difference to my self esteem and I look even healthier! Ok I know the tan lotion isn’t completely nasty free but it doesn’t contain any parabens so it’s not all bad. (I use Fake Bake tan for anyone that wants to try it out!)

This morning I was woken very early by a big snuffling Bear. As much as I love my sleep I wouldn’t want it any other way. Being woken up with such love and happiness is the best thing ever and what a way to start the day.  I feel very sad for anyone who doesn’t have this much love in their life.

After mediation, yoga, heat and air and my supplements and green smoothie I decided it had been a while that I had used my neti pot. I have been suffering with rhinitis recently. I simply cannot stop my nose from running. It’s continuous and with the cold weather it’s worse now than when I was away in Thailand for example. I don’t think I am allergic to anything but maybe it’s a side effect of some of the medication I am taking. I’m not that hard done so it’s nothing to really worry about. However doing the neti pot ritual this miring was brilliant. I am totally clear, feel energised and for a brief moment my running dripping nose has stopped. (Nice mental image for you all!)

So I am all ready for my trip to London to party with my Boo and I feel really energised and happy. It made me think of an email my blog friend sent me the other day when she said, ‘You have a very powerful tool in the bracelets you have made for people. A little bit of your wonderful energy, spirit and kindness is in each and every one of those bracelets you have made…. so whenever you need it, picture every single person that has bought one wearing their bracelet, and that positive energy and power joining together and multiplying over and over….. It is far more powerful than any tumour out there, and you can harness that whenever you feel the need for that extra fight ‘. What a lovely thing to say and I hadn’t considered that before. It does give me strength and I feel really good.

Speaking of the bracelets and fundraising I was informed today that the total amount paid to Breast Cancer Breakthrough from my own donations and others charity initiatives’ is up to £5,240! This is great and there are still plenty of bracelets being sold and more charity initiatives in the pipeline. A member of Petes’ team has decided that he is going to run a half marathon for our charities and his training starts Monday. Pete has agreed to train in the gym with him so its good news all round! I’m very grateful for the effort people are still going to. We won’t stop!

So, leaving on a high note,  I am looking forward to a girly giggle tonight and then being back in my Bears’ arms tomorrow watching legs and bums (rugby) on TV. I love weekends like this!