The Venetian Masquerade Ball was a huuuge success!

I’ve been a bit lazy these last few days. I’ve been meaning to write and give an update but the weekend was manic to a degree and as usual I needed to catch up on things.
The big highlight of the weekend and well I guess for the end of this year was the Venetian Masquerade Charity Ball that my friends suggested to raise money for our favourite charities; Breakthrough Breast Cancer and The Cancer Vaccine Institute.

Pete and I had quite a lot of input and helped out quite a bit by obtaining auction prizes and selling tickets and so on, so we felt quite nervous and hoped it would raise lots of money. Of course as a typical women, the other big thing was what to wear… Argh! For me I hoped that I would have hair but of course that wasn’t to be so my thoughts were, do I go bald or wear a wig or…?

The ball was being held at Caswell House, and the food and drinks and everything supplied from lighting, to the fun photo booth, to the dj, band, photographer and table centre pieces and everything were donated or provided at cost! My friends even paid for an additional photographer for me as a surprise! (Thank you ladies!)
As yet I haven’t seen any official photos but there are lots of snaps from friends…

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We arrived to a wonderful champagne reception with everyone fully glammed up and wearing masks.. I arrived in a red dress, red shoes, red and gold feathery mask and… A red sparkly bob wig! It was funny because some people didn’t recognise me! For me it was a big thing.. I didn’t want to look silly but thought it was a great opportunity to really be a bit extreme…

I have to say everyone excelled themselves. Every single man and woman looked awesome, so dapper and beautiful.

I simply cannot believe how quickly the night went. We arrived at 7.30pm and left at 1am! I wasn’t ready to leave! The food was simply divine, the auctioneer/MC was so funny and handled the night brilliantly.

A highlight of the night was how much the auction prizes went for! I cannot believe the generosity of everyone and it was so exciting!

The stand out moment was Pete’s speech..Everyone was left teary eyed and it really focused our minds as to why we were there. I couldn’t look at him for fear of really blubbing and ruining my make up! I think his message got home though. His main point was how much love there was in the room… The circle of love. I really believe that everyone felt it.

On the night I was being updated as to how much we were making.. I couldn’t believe that £2000 was made on raffle tickets alone! My numbers were called out.. I won a lovely Christmas wreath.. It’s on my front door now.

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Yesterday I got an email from Kate at Caswell House to say after all costs that the total raised was £20,560.00! Oh my goodness!!!!!! This is an outstanding amount to have raised..

I want to thank everyone who came, who donated, who supplied and contributed in every way. I know the money doesn’t directly help me but I hope that it helps so many ladies and their families and I hope that they will never be in my shoes… Bring on a cure.. Please.

The following morning we headed over to Witney to see our friends and my mum for breakfast then I think we all started to feel very jaded. Pete and I and our lovely friends Alex and Lee spent the afternoon watching rugby and eating! We chilled and laughed and generally felt very grateful. Sunday was very much the same for us when our friends went home. It may seem like we spend a lot of time doing very little but that’s exactly what we need sometimes… It’s so nice to wind down and be wrapped up in a soft blanket and have my feet rubbed by my Bear… I love him so much.

This week has been going well. I have nothing much booked in so it’s brilliant. I have been getting admin done, doing my daily rituals and really trying to get on a roll.
I’ve been exercising, doing yoga and eating very well. I still look very pale and have very puffy eyes. Nothing a bit of make up won’t cure or a holiday….. He he… Which we have booked!

In true Pete fashion, he said that we have to keep living like we normally do. So despite having to travel abroad and go to hospital we should still book our trips away like we always do. We didn’t want to hang around over the new year holiday period so have booked to go to warmer climes and get some vitamin d and bliss out. I was a bit
nervous booking a holiday but now I have done it I’m really excited! Whoop!

I have had confirmation from St Barts that they finally received my tumour sample and they have sent it to be tested. Hopefully this Friday or next Monday I should know if I’m eligible for the trial… Watch this space.
I have also had confirmation from the Churchill hospital in Oxford that I have an MRI and CT scan booked for next week, so the results should be with Prof Harris the following week when I see him. So that’s good, I will at least know in detail what is going on and if the radiotherapy has worked. I have everything crossed. I have to say I feel better in myself. Still no cough, no headaches and now no shaking. That’s got to be good news?!

I am definitely getting in the Christmas spirit. I have been doing all my shopping online…Sorry Mr Postman! This weekend I am going to drag Pete to buy a Christmas tree and then we can have our ritual of singing Christmas carols around the advent candle…. Bring on the mulled wine and sparkly lights! I have started writing our Christmas cards and I have drawn some Christmassy pictures… He he… All in all this is a lovely week.

Bear and I are getting lots of sleep, eating really well and generally looking forward and loving to the max! We are spreading the love and feeling the love from all our friends and supporters… #circleoflove

Tomorrow I am being picked up by my sister, then spending a few days with my mum! We are going to finish the Christmas shopping and I get to be spoiled down in lovely Dorset by my mum….
Fun packed, love filled and generally looking forward to what’s coming next…

A massive light and love… XX

I would like to officially thank the following for their contributions and donations to making the charity ball a massive success;

My good friend Samantha, one of the Kitty’s Climbers, who thought this idea up and grafted over the last 6 months,
To Kate and Steph at Caswell House for all your hard work and making it happen so smoothly.
To Amanda and Richard for letting us host the ball at your stunning venue.. Caswell House is gorgeous and I can’t wait to be there again sometime!
To Jason and Nick from the Es Vive Hotel and Chic Villas in Ibiza for your generous auction prizes.
To Ivan and Harvey Nichols London for donating a wonderful cocktail masterclass
To the anonymous person who donated a signed arsenal shirt
To Nilam Patel for donating a spa day at her Dermaspa
To Marianna and Francesca at Soru Jewellery for donating the stunning rose quartz necklace
To Sarah Pooler and Ocean Beach Club Ibiza for donating a day/bed with cocktails

To all those who donated prizes they are featured on the ball programme attached…

Thank you to you all! You’re all amazing!

X

Dining with Davina and my favourite ladies….

I had a brilliant ending to my week. Friday ten of us; me, my mum, my sister and some of my nearest and dearest friends went to a charity event hosted by my all time favourite person (other than my Bear of course) Davina McCall! I went to it last year and decided it would be much better surrounded by a table full of loved ones. There were 400 people attending, all women, so you can well imagine the energy in the room!

As part of the event we all got to have photos taken with Davina and she is so friendly and wonderful. It’s like you have known her for years and that you are personal friends. I showed her the card she had sent me and thanked her for brightening my otherwise crappy day following my visit to St Barts re gamma knife. I’m always a little lost for words and I don’t want to be really needy but I would love to have time to really talk to her. I love the fact my friends say that I remind them of Davina with my mannerisms. I’ll take that huge compliment- thank you!

We had a wonderful 3 course meal and then I bought the photos that had been taken. Sitting at the table admiring them (well actually criticising my hair! I look like Mr Tumnus from Narnia with horns! I’m not complaining really I feel blessed at the moment that I have hair, it could be gone in a few weeks from radiotherapy) I felt two hands land on my shoulder, and a voice say; ‘Ah that’s a lovely picture!’ Turning, it was Davina looking over my shoulder. I was thrilled!  I hopped up and she gave me a big hug and my friend took a quick snap on her phone.

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I don’t know about you but Pete and I have a list on our board at home of people we would love to invite to the ultimate dinner party. My number one guest is Davina McCall. Naturally. I bet it would be a great night.
The fact is everyone on the table at the event on Friday love Davina and they all loved spending time together. I would love it to be our annual event. Any excuse to get dressed up and have a good girly catch up. We laughed, talked, danced and cried…. We are girls. They cry a lot!art2 art3

I suffered for it yesterday. I would love to say it was probably from drinking alcohol, which I did indulge in but I simply didn’t sleep Friday night.

Of course I missed Pete. I chatted with my friend until 1.30am tucked up in bed but then a few hours later was awake with pains in my knees. This is new… What is going on? I took pain relief, a lot of it. And it didn’t touch the nagging aches. It’s so weird. One thing goes and another begins. I feel like a bloody hypochondriac.

We all stayed at the hotel and for breakfast bleary eyed faces appeared as we gathered for a right royal breakfast. I took advantage of it all! It’s odd though because I don’t taste things properly. I don’t have the same urges of what I really want to eat. I don’t have an on/off button. Days can be really exciting and full of clarity and others I can feel a mess. Take today. I woke up at 4am having had a day on the sofa yesterday. (Thank you Louise for getting me home and delivering me to my husband! Sorry for not spending time with you and your better half last night! I simply couldn’t manage moving let alone being any kind of decent company! Ha-ha!) I slept well up until then and then my mind was racing; in a good way.

I got up checked in online for our flights tomorrow and packed my suitcase. Then it all went wrong. I had the shakes, felt hugely emotional and can’t make out what I am meant to be doing?

I have halved the steroids and hope the things I am feeling will subside quickly! I want ‘me’ back. Luckily for me I was on pretty good form on Friday. I chatted for England, danced and laughed and stored those memories with my ladies in a big gold memory box in my mind. That’s a keeper I will cherish.

We have a big week ahead starting with an early morning flight to Frankfurt tomorrow morning. We are off to Dr Seibunhuner to see what infusions he may recommend then Prof Vogl on Tuesday for TACE number two. Then Day three off to Duderstadt for more bits and bobs then drive back to Frankfurt for our evening flight home on Thursday.
I have to say I am not hugely looking forward to it but needs must. If I was on better form then it would be all ok but it’s a struggle. I am in danger of forgetting things and I don’t want to keep moaning about feeling under the weather to Pete. This is so hard on him.

Look on the bright side. I do not have a cough, and at the moment no headaches or tingling! Yeha!
This morning it is beautiful outside. The sun is shining. It isn’t raining and nature was calling us. We went out to a  Remembrance Sunday service and said the Lords prayer and sang the national anthem. It felt good. I feel blessed for the many amazing things in my life. I mustn’t lose sight of that.

Pete is cooking in the kitchen…although we have just had a disaster. We decided to have a hugely anti inflammatory juice to give us both a kick start. Turmeric, garlic, ginger and chilli were the ingredients or ammo! Sadly it ended in tears. Literally. We both vomited! Ha-ha. And now I stink of garlic and maybe a little bit of sick! Urgh!
Life’s about trying… and God knows Bear and I are doing a lot of that!

Happy Sunday, you gorgeous people. X

Forgiving the Soul…

Yesterday I went for my weekly pranic healing session. I know that people think I must be mad but each to their own. I get a lot from it. I suppose it is odd as I don’t have any physical therapy but I am open to believing in anything at this stage. Plus I have a friend who has the treatment and really believes the canSer he has, has reduced due to this healing work.

I take from it what I can. Les, the healer suggested I do a ‘Soul Forgiveness’ prayer and to truly imagine letting go of any resentments or conflicts that I may be harbouring. When you have canSer there are plenty of those and to be honest even when you haven’t got canSer. We all have our hang ups, but I believed I had put a lot of my ‘stuff’ away… let it go and so on. In the last 18 months I have done plenty of soul searching as I believe negative emotions need to be released so that you can truly release a disease or any illness that manifests itself in one’s body.

Les asked me last week, when I was feeling pretty delicate and emotional if there was anything that could be deep within me that I am not letting go off. And my dad popped into my head.

He had called me a few days earlier and left a voicemail. Quite normal I guess for most reading this. But for me my dad has always been a bit of a sore subject.

Being completely honest and laying all my cards on the table for the public to read (I sometimes have to remind myself that this journal of mine is there for all to see) my dad is a big drinker. He always has been throughout my whole life. Having to admit he is an alcoholic is pretty hard. Especially as he is the greatest man that ever lived. Well all dads are to their daughters when they are growing up. Being from the east end of London he is a grafter and ‘Jack of all trades’. He could build anything and regularly did our house and garden up. A truly amazing hard working individual. But this was regularly marred by his drinking habits and the person he turned into when he drank. As with any drinker they all become loud and obnoxious. I have hated seeing him like this all my life. I think mainly because you never knew what kind of mood he would be in when he got home.

Sadly my mum had enough of ‘that’ person a few years ago and decided that life without him was better for her soul. I don’t blame her.

But that didn’t stop me from wishing he would stop drinking and be the dad that I absolutely adored as a child. The thing is if he rings after 1pm I generally avoid the call. 9 times out of 10 he would have been drinking and I really cannot tolerate that person.

I told Les about how I felt about him. That my dad only tells me he loves me when he is drunk. He was never a very cuddly kind of person and it makes me cry every time he says it. I guess because it feels like he has to be drunk to tell me. That’s really sad. There has been many occasions where we have had full blown arguments whilst he has been drunk. Once when I was at a radiotherapy session, I left him decorating my treatment room. I got home to a very drunk excuse of a man. I had only been gone an hour and half. I was devastated. I went nuts. We didn’t really speak for nearly a year. I felt let down and angry. But I suppose I didn’t really consider how he felt about it all. This is no excuse though…

Les felt that I needed to work on the Soul Forgiveness prayer and picture my dad looking all dressed up and healthy and imagine making up and letting him walk away and having no feelings of anxiety when he left.

I have been doing it for a whole week, really picturing my dad and thought it was going well. I told Les that my dad had rung and left a voicemail again but I hadn’t called back. Old habits die hard I guess. Les suggested I go home and call him immediately and see how I felt.

I didn’t. I forgot actually. But last Friday I looked at my phone at 5pm and thought,’I’m going to call my dad’. I knew he would have been drinking but I didn’t feel worried.

So I called. My dad was thrilled to hear me and was overly excited. He had been drinking and was swearing like a trooper and laughing loudly but I didn’t feel any anxiety. I felt happy to hear him. He told me how his winter had been and asked how treatment was going and told me a few secrets. Bless him. Then he said the nicest things about Peter. That Pete is the best thing that has ever happened to me. (I already knew that but how nice to hear it from your dad!) He said that he couldn’t have wished for a better man to take care of his daughter. We talked for about an hour and arranged for him to visit sometime this summer. (To be honest I told him to bring his tools, I so need some work doing on the house!) He kept saying how pleased he was that I had called and that I had brightened up his day.

I have to say I felt great. I felt at peace. I understand that he must be a troubled soul and how lonely he must feel sometimes. I can’t stop him from being a drinker but I can help myself feel better about him.

I told Les yesterday all about it and he was thrilled for me. I am to continue doing the Soul Forgiveness prayer and maybe other people will pop up that I need to forgive or maybe they need to forgive me. Whichever way you look at it is a great way to make peace with yourself and allow yourself to be free.

I have felt brighter ever since I spoke to my dad. I urge everyone to give a go.

Here is the prayer.

I the soul ask for total forgiveness from any person, any being on all levels for any Pain, suffering and any sorrow that I may have caused you in this life or the past.

 

I also forgive any person any being on all levels for any pain, suffering and any sorrow that you may have caused me in this life or the Past.

We are all souls, we are all evolving I release you please release me, go in peace,

 SO BE IT! SO BE IT! SO BE IT!

Whilst saying the prayer imagine the person dressed nicely and happy and let them turn and walk away and go into the distance. Keep practising until you feel nothing when that person or situation is mentioned.

 

Light and love… I hope your soul becomes calm and happy.

X

There has to be more ‘up’ days than ‘down’ days….

It was Valentines Day on Friday and cupid doesn’t have to do much around here for the love to be flowing. Pete and I decided not to go to town on gifts and meals etc, so after a very busy day for Pete and a highly emotional week for me, we were happy just to have a cuddle watching a comedy on the sofa. But in true Bear style, he bought me a bunch of red roses and prepared a lovely rose bath complete with red rose petals. Bless him. He never wants anything in return but loves to spoil me rotten. I then slept like a log. Thankfully I don’t lose sleep when stressed, probably due to the big Bear arm that keeps me safe during the midnight hours.

The weekend was great, dressing up and going out with friends, eating delicious vegetarian Thai food and having so many laughs. Sunday my mum arrived and we prepared bacon butties for a lounge full of men watching football. Good times…

But last week I have to say I was having a hard time. Thursday I had a meltdown. I have been trying to organise going to Germany for more treatments. In a number of emails it was transpiring that I couldn’t have an appointment for the next few weeks which is when I figured it would be best to travel. I would have a good blood count as chemo would have ended and I wanted to get a treatment in before I go for GcMAF (which I have been told is very complimentary to immunotherapy). I was given dates to have leukapheresis (full blood taking) again. I couldn’t understand it as I had enough blood taken when I went for treatment in November. I was then informed they had started using my blood as they believed I would be there today! I was so confused as to how they would think that when I hadn’t given my scan results until Tuesday afternoon?!  Then nothing. Communications went cold and I was left dangling. I was so stressed and upset?! So many questions unanswered and desperate to get something booked I decided I simply couldn’t deal with it anymore and felt at my wits end. I offloaded to Pete who sent a very well worded email and we finally got a reply that evening and things started to become a little clearer. I know I am hard work and high maintenance but I felt like everything was conspiring against me.

This had a knock on effect for me and I couldn’t pick myself up. I had a bad day to say the least. I felt wrecked and my thoughts were dragging me down. I kept thinking that options were running out and  what had I changed in the last six months that has meant the canSer is still growing? I might have even gone as far back as thinking, ‘why me?’ (You know it’s really bad when that thought creeps in)

I had a coaching call for my health coaching course to the U.S Thursday evening and I had a heart to heart with my coach. Ever honest I told her I was feeling low and how it isn’t like me. She was so supportive and made me feel much better but she could hear the stress in my voice to the point where I was trying to catch my breath. Sometimes I wonder if putting it all in my blog scares people and if it’s a little too much information but my coach suggested that it could be good for me. So here I am telling the world how I feel.

You see, I have bad days too and getting less than good news really does have a knock on effect. Yesterday despite the weather being amazing, having a lovely time with my man and having the pleasure of mum arriving for the week I felt discomknocerated. (Great word right? Pete taught me it.) I felt unsettled. I couldn’t put my finger on it and I am having trouble releasing worrying thoughts.

I am trying to use my thoughts to focus on the canSer going and getting smaller but I also feel not giving it too much thought is a really positive thing. I don’t want to get embroiled in worrying and looking for a resolve. I want to live my life. But if I am being really honest then I should say that I keep having really morbid thoughts and flashes of what will be if I die. Now I know we will all die but I mean I really do feel that my survival is being threatened and I am now really worried that I may not make it to my 40th birthday! I know crazy right?! I have never doubted myself and I believe my existence will definitely be for more than five years. But this has really worried me. I really felt so settled before. My plan was solid, I was on top of the canSer and as long as I could keep it under wraps, control it, that I would be here for many years. As I keep saying I feel great. If I can continue to feel that way then there is nothing to worry about. But I am worried. I am so concerned as to how quickly health can change. I know from speaking to people, I have seen it and I also receive emails from people I have only just been in contact with who sadly have passed away so suddenly. Mortality is such a weird thing. I don’t want to spend my time worrying about this.

But sometimes I just have to say it. It sucks. I am thirty eight years old and I want to be a little bit ignorant and revel in the ignorance that I should be alive for another fifty years! And I guess who’s to say I won’t be. We are all going to die. I just guess that I feel like I am being presented with death all too soon. I suppose sometimes I feel a bit jealous that other people don’t have this to think about. I just want to live! And there we go back to being me again. There is nothing stopping me from living. In fact if I don’t want to wish for the worst then living is exactly what I need to do.

It’s like having therapy, putting it in words on here. My positive nature always shines through and sense prevails. I know what I need to do and I know I have so many more options. I needn’t worry about what may or may not happen. I wonder if I am already assuming the next lot of treatment I am booked to have, will not work. Part of me thinks that, maybe. Just a little. I like to think that I am just planning ahead for every eventuality. Others could see it as being negative.

So that’s that. I am plodding on and trying my best. I hope that I am not just going through the motions. Every supplement, juice, exercise, stretch, positive thought and plan, I hope is having an effect at elongating my life. I have never ever listened to the doctors when they told me it was incurable. But sometimes it hits me like a train. I am afraid of getting ill and dying. There I said it. Sometimes I like to have a good old cry. But then I am a girl. And we cry real good. At nothing mostly. An advert on TV or a cute you tube video. But I cry because I want this thing to stop. I have had enough of this living nightmare and I don’t want to put my loved ones through this anymore.

But I can’t make it stop. No more than I can make time stop. I can only do what I can do. That is, look after myself, love as much as possible and keep trying because there is no other option. I am not about to lie down and give up. As long as I have the energy and breath in my body I will live my life as happy and as full as possible. I urge everyone to do the same. Never give up and remember there has to be more ‘up’ days than ‘down’ ones. It puts everything into perspective.

The moon looked beautiful last night. I can’t wait to see it again tonight. There, the little things mean so much more when you put it in perspective. Be grateful, be happy and love as much as you can. That’s a good motto to live by I think?

Right now that’s off my chest I can move forward…. Thanks for listening. X

 

Strenghten your intuition and listen your soul…

Yesterday I got up far too early but one bonus was that I had a brilliant night sleep! I felt revitalised and raring to go. I had to leave at such an early hour to get to the hospital for a clinic appointment at 9am. Prof Harris wanted to see me to see how the first cycle of the chemo vinorelbine had gone. I informed him that I felt fine all except having a stuffy nose from the lingering cold. Other than that I hadn’t suffered any side effects. I discussed the fact that I have been reducing the anti sickness down. He agreed that this was fine and that some people need it and others don’t.

He then told me that he thinks we should increase the chemo to the maximum amount any person can have. Now I was led to believe two things. That the amount I was having was suitable for my body mass and the other point was that low dosage chemo was better in some circumstances. The theory that if you hit your body hard the cancer mutates harder and faster and can become more aggressive.  I didn’t see any point talking this over with the prof. I think that I may see how the first week goes on taking the higher dosage. If my bloods get affected or if I feel rough then I will simply reduce my intake. That’s the beauty of oral chemo.

I feel a bit confused though. I obviously am desperate for the canSer to go and I am willing to try anything but I am trying to understand in my self what is best for me. I don’t want to ruin my system and I am fully aware what chemo does to the body. In fact most people get ill from the chemo ravaging their systems and that’s what they inevitability die of; some sort of illness as a result of a depleted immunity such as pneumonia.

Part of me wants to have the confidence to say no to chemo and let’s see what happens. I feel much stronger in my mind and spirit at the moment and I have a strong sense of everything is going to be OK and that I am going to overcome this against all odds.  I have been reading more and more of people with stage four cancer who are now canSer free. I know I am a miracle daily but I think I can do this.

It has always been our theory that the ten point plan includes conventional treatment. But maybe I should dip and out of it. I strengthen my system daily with my rituals and dietary needs. I know I am strong enough to cope with anything but I want it to heal itself. The bodies needs change regularly. This is common with ones dietary needs so maybe it’s true of medical needs. I know the body can do this as there is so much evidence of it.

I guess intuition is something I have to trust and fear has always been the biggest issue for me. I think to be fair it is the biggest issue for all of us. We constantly take advice from others and avoid listening to our gut, our heart, our intuition.

Intuition means trusting yourself and trusting the Universe. Meditating is a great way of listening to your body’s needs. It gives clarity and a sense of well being.  I firmly believe we have the answers we just need to be more in tune with ourselves.

I believe waking with a grateful heart and being happy will bring fulfillment and the answers to our needs. If we all tried to live life by these rules there would be a greater harmony in our day to day living and healing would occur naturally.

I visited the pranic healer yesterday also. He said that my lungs feel more even and the chakras are evening out also. He did however feel that I am stressed. I said that I don’t feel particularity stressed in fact quite he opposite. He said our bodies hold tension and stress without the mind knowing. It’s a constant battle trying to create wellness and harmony. I guess I need to keep listening harder!

Here are six ways to strengthen your intuition;

Try these easy ways to boost your inner strength and listen to the whispers of your soul written by Dr Kirsten Harrell

1. Clearing your mind

It is easier to hear the whispers from the soul when your mind is quiet and open. You likely have lots of thoughts running through your mind at any given moment. You probably spend much of your day multi-tasking. All of this “noise” makes it difficult to hear your intuitive voice. It is important to find some ways to quiet your mind. You can’t shut off your thoughts completely, but you can learn to slow them down. Let all the distracting thoughts flow out of your mind. Let them go. Picture your thoughts floating away on a cloud. Focus on your breathing and allow your mind and body to relax more with each breath. You might even try counting down from 10 to 1 and allow yourself to relax more with each count. Once your mind is clearer, you can then access your intuition.

2. Meditation

 There are many forms of meditation and all are excellent ways to get centered and quiet the mind. Even a few minutes of meditation daily can increase your ability to hear your intuitive voice. Meditation is like priming the pump. As you get used to being in a meditative state, you will find that it is easier to hear the whispers from your soul and to distinguish these messages from other mental chatter. If you are new to meditation you might try sitting quietly and focusing your attention on a candle flame. When your awareness drifts (and it will), simply bring your attention gently back to the flame. You can also try focusing your attention on a short phrase or word (mantra) that you repeat over and over to yourself. Remember that the key is to gently bring your mind back to your focus point. Getting frustrated will only interfere with the process.

3. Imagery

 You can use imagery to help you access intuitive answers to your questions. Imagine yourself in a quiet place in nature, surrounded by beauty and wonder. Make this image as vivid as possible by using all of your senses. Spend a few moments simply enjoying this place in your mind’s eye. Then, imagine a treasure chest nearby. You feel excited as you approach the chest because you know that the answer to your question is inside. Take a deep breath and imagine yourself opening the treasure chest. Don’t try to control this, let your intuitive mind guide you. Trust that whatever is inside the chest is your answer. You might receive a very clear answer or you might get a symbol that doesn’t make logical sense to you. Either way, it is exactly what you need. Trust that if the answer is not clear right away, it will become clear over time. Over the next few days, be open to feelings, songs, conversations, or any synchronistic events. Be patient! If you become frustrated or try to force an answer, you will block the flow of intuition.

4. Dreams

 While you are sleeping and your conscious mind is at rest, your soul has the opportunity to bring intuitive information to you through your dreams. When you are working on a problem and looking for your intuitive guidance, take some time before you fall asleep to ask for an answer to come to you through your dreams. Be sure to keep a journal by your bed so that you can record your dreams the moment you wake up. Your answers may come symbolically and may need some interpretation. Look for the emotions and themes of your dreams and see if this sheds light on your problem. If the answer still is not clear, be patient and remain open. You may find more clarity with time.

5. Affirmations

You can use affirmations to focus your mind. It is best to use affirmations with some form of relaxation (such as deep breathing) in order to get the combined effects of a relaxed body and focused or centered mind. Affirmations are a terrific way to tap into the power of your subconscious mind to help you reach your conscious desires. Affirmations should be concise sentences stated in a positive way. When creating an affirmation remember to state what it is that you want, not what you don’t want. Another important guideline is to always use the present tense when creating your affirmations. The following are a few examples of affirmations to increase your intuitive abilities. I trust my intuition. My intuitive voice is consistently accurate. I access my intuition easily.

6. Practice

It is important to practice using your intuition. When you first start practicing you may want to begin with small issues that do not have a significant impact on your life. For example, try to guess who is calling before you pick up your phone. Guess which elevator will show up first when you are standing in front of a bank of elevators. Practicing with these simple issues will allow you to stay relaxed and focused without too much distraction from fear or other mental chatter. As you practice, you will get better at recognizing your intuitive impulses and you will gain confidence in using this skill. The more confident you feel about identifying your intuitive voice, the more you will trust it and be able to act on it. As you practice using your intuition and build your skill, you will find that your intuitive voice is a precious resource – an indispensable gift. You can use this inner wisdom to guide you in all of your decisions at work, at home, and at play. The more you use and trust your intuition, the stronger it will get and the more confident you will feel about it. The whispers from your soul will always guide you to the path that is for your highest good.

I’m off to start practicing and start listening!

X

Where thoughts go, Feelings grow and Actions follow…

Friday I had a lovely time with my friend at a Christmas fair at Blenheim Palace. You may think it is too early for Christmas.. but no, it’s never too early! I had time to focus on fun things and think about giving to those that I love. I never see present buying as a chore. I love giving. To be honest I get more out of it than the recipient does. That’s good for your health. I know it. Much like volunteering does too.

I have been thinking over the last few days about what I really want from life.  My friend said that where thoughts go, feelings grow and actions follow. Therefore thinking and projecting what you want out of life should eventually happen. If I keep living in fear and giving canSer my energy then it may never release. It may respond to everything that I am doing but if I don’t truly believe that it will be gone then the chances are it won’t be. I have to admit I have been struggling with this. I think I am have been thinking all positive things but I guess I am a dweller at times. I am stuck in a rut.

So what can I do to get out of this rut? I have been asking myself over and over what would I be doing if I didn’t have canSer? All sorts pop up for me such as refresher training in reflexology. I am inspired by my therapist. She is awesome and so spot on with things. I would work more and get fully stuck into my own business. Of course I will be qualifying as a health coach next October and with a business name such as Live Love Glow it is perfect for health coaching which includes giving nutritional advice. Before getting stuck into working I would love to have some time travelling for a month or so. There are so many places I would like to see and to be able to have that time off would be amazing. Another of my goals would be to have a baby, if that is possible at all. I feel there is something missing in my life and I have so much love to give. I am sure that I would feel complete with our  very own baby. As well as this we have always spoken about getting a dog. The most obvious goal is to be involved in helping people with TNBC. I want to continue raising funds and also somehow help survivors with raising awareness.

There are so many things I want to do … but then I read it all back and think to myself, what’s stopping me from having those things now? Of course having a baby isn’t an option whilst I have a life threatening illness. But the rest are doable if we weren’t restricted by funds and time commitments what with having treatment and so on.  So that gives me something to look forward to. I can imagine being canSer free.

I understand what my friend is saying though. The body cannot differentiate between what is real and what is imaginary. If you have thoughts, feelings are evoked and the body believes it is real. Just like watching a movie. You get involved in it and the feelings are evoked by what you see. The body eventually realises what isn’t real as those feelings subside. But I know I want to be canSer free, however if deep down I don’t believe I ever will be then the chances are I won’t ever get what I want.

It is harder than it seems to change all the thoughts that naturally arise in my head. This is such a mental game that I really think I will have to work on. Meditation is great for helping you heal your mind and body. The relaxation that occurs is essential in the body repairing itself. I can understand though what my friend means about keeping canSer alive. I constantly post things on here about canSer and it’s always at the forefront of my mind. I guess I will need to start posting about different things other than canSer.

 

New Developments:

Recently we were in touch with a couple who are in the same boat as us. They too are troopers and have been doing everything in their power to beat TNBC. They have gone down the route of tumourgrafting to establish what chemotherapies will work. Having approached the same company it seems that they graft a fresh sample of the tumour onto a mouse and grow it for 12 weeks. Once grown they test different chemo’s on it. It’s self explanatory really. I have been informed that I cannot do this as they need fresh samples. Of course I do not have any tumours to get to.

If anyone would like to contact them for more information here is the website link;

http://www.championsoncology.com/

This does not deter me or upset me. I have been doing well for over a year now and can only continue with what I am already doing. There are always other options that may work so for now I will focus on those elements.

This weekend has been tough for both Pete and I. Pete is still in a lot of pain after having mouth surgery this week and I am feeling and living his pain! There have been many positives and I always thank the Universe for the small miracles. I hope that there may be many more.

I feel good.. nanananana na! So good.. so good… ..

Well so far today has been brilliant. I feel happy and motivated and full of beans for the first time in a few days. I am always reasonably motivated and happy but today more so. I was woken at 5am with the most amount of cuddles and little messages of love in my ear. I get woken like this every day but today I actually felt awake myself (I’d had a good 7 hours sleep infused with frankincense and camomile before bed and only a light veggie meal for tea)rather than feeling very drowsy and sleepy and wishing I had more time in bed. I actually thought it was much later than it was.. I have to admit I did feel a bit cheated out of my extra few hours in bed but when you feel this good then what’s the point in hanging around? So everything has happened a bit earlier than normal today; meditation (which was really good today), exercise ( good old Davina and boot camp style exercise followed by half hour of Tara Styles yoga- she’s really good) then onto my heat and air then smoothie and supplements and then getting myself ready for my clients this afternoon. I have also got ready for the next few days as this evening after my last client I will be driving down to visit my mummy! Yay! I am looking forward to it but it makes me laugh every time I go down. I pack as if I am moving in.

So today all in all has been really good mental fitness- part of the ten point plan. To top that I had time to start considering my next holiday (of course if our funds can stretch that far what with going to Germany every month) I want a holiday a month! Who doesn’t right? Well I am hoping to go somewhere hot in May and then July make our annual trip to the White Isle hopefully and then later in the summer take Pete’s daughter away to spend some quality time together. Then after that the list goes on… but let’s not get too excited. Of course I think about booking and planning things all with an air of trepidation. I am assuming everything will be ok and nothing is going to stop me but I have to be fluid. This word keeps popping up in my head. Fluid is the best way to describe our situation. I cannot be and shouldn’t be rigid and cannot be hard and fast on any decision. But that’s’ ok I guess. I am hoping I won’t be going back to Germany every month after May (when my next scan will be) every hopeful and ever excited for the future. I reckon Pete and I deserve a bit of down time. Our friend says we have been on ‘red alert’ for so many years that eventually we could burn out. I totally agree. I wonder if that’s why I feel so tired at the moment. The bear said that for the first time in ages I have had good news and just for a while, a little while my body and mind agree it’s time to take a step back.. Hell yeah! I agree. I don’t find things so much of chore these days. My rituals flow and I feel like my daily prayer and promise just get said as soon as I wake up and then my visualisations happen when I least expect it. I don’t have to try really hard right now. I just hope it’s enough.

I received a letter from breast cancer breakthrough thanking me for the money they have received so far from the bracelets and kind donations that has been made. They are thrilled with my or should I say our efforts and have given me three forms to complete so that I can dedicate my challenge to someone special and be featured on their wall. I am very excited about this but am stuck. I hadn’t considered who to donate it. I think I should take some time to consider this. I haven’t got anyone directly to me that has died of breast cancer (except my Nan when I was little girl- but I don’t remember her) I think that I want to dedicate to everyone that has been helping me. Including gift aid they say I have raised a whopping £3357.50! Woohoo! Well this should keep climbing as I have more to sell and more to be made.

The cancer vaccine institute want me to send some bracelets there so that they can sell them on their website. This is too cool! Before I know I will need to think of the next thing that can be sold so that I can continue to raise money… an anklet?! Ok lacking imagination right now but I have been up since 5am!

Anyway got to go my client is about to arrive and I must put on my leopard print apron.. I know a mental image is hilarious! I love animal print.. Nothing wrong with that!

 

XX

Immune system is best cancer fighter, ‘milestone’ reaserch confirms

Friday night was expected.. a battle to watch Comic relief and trying to stay awake. I managed to stay awake until 10pm and must have cried at every heart wrenching vt they showed. I have to admit there are times when I just think to myself.. what sort of world do we live in? It’s so cruel in so many ways. It’s hard to understand what it’s all about?! And there is where that thought has to stop because if we really start going there then the whole will to live just drops off the face of the earth.

 

Saturday was a brilliant day. I did some ‘therapy’ and got all creative practising a wedding make up on my best friend. (It went very well, even if I do say so myself) Pete became the usual excited host and presented us with cocktails and champagne. So much for not drinking but I always feel that it’s rude to decline and actually it goes back to the ten point plan.. A little of what you want is good for you. (I keep telling myself this at weekends!) Let’s face it, I have reduced my alcohol intake massively compared to what I used to drink and it goes in fits and starts as to the amount I do drink. Pete and I did feel decidedly drunk and watching England play Wales at rugby didn’t help.. Boo. (England step up!)That said the day after the night before we are increasingly starting the day by saying we don’t need alcohol any more. It doesn’t have the same effect it did years ago. Maybe we have got old? Or maybe we have just found there are other ways to feel really good. Either way, it’s progress.

Anyway, back to going to bed early. I had the best night sleep on Friday night. I slept about 10 hours and having had no alcohol. I am convinced that this helps my slumber. I felt amazing on Saturday morning and before Liz arrived for some female (and Bear) bonding I did all my rituals and got stuck into my new DVD of yoga. I have mentioned her, Tara Styles, before but as there are 4 DVDs in the package I am having a new experience every time.  I am still finding it hard to think of yoga as exercise, but if all the yogis and yoga enthusiasts are anything to go by then yoga is definitely enough exercise.

Pete made me a brilliant smoothie for me that morning. I am finding that juicing is turning my stomach at the moment. I don’t think it is the veggies that I use I think it is more the supplements powders that turn me more green than normal. Pete’s smoothie consisted of avocado, spinach, apple, dates, ginger and nut milk with flaxseed in it. I added all my powders too. It was very tasty! Having a smoothie is great alternative to a juice. I don’t usually have fruits and I did find it a tad sweet but in the nature of having some fruits with their peel/kinds on I know that the sugars get broken down differently to when they are purely just the fruit. This is what the dietician told me.

Sunday we awoke to a blizzard. A snow blizzard. The weather is freaky again and so we decided to do some retail therapy. Well I didn’t expect anything but it was a perk of the trip to be taken to my old friend Karen Millen.  Big smiles!

The weekend was full of lots of cuddles from my Bear and we spent yesterday afternoon just snuffled together watching Harry Potter and eating a great creation that Pete made from spinach, tomatoes, cod, and more.. mmmmmm. Seriously I am cat! Give me warmth, cuddles, a soft place to sleep and food and I am totally made up!

My sleep wasn’t great last night and I am finding I am waking up with aching ribs and back still. In fact I got myself into a tizzy last night before sleep as my whole side was hurting. The one thing with canSer is that the every new thing or ache makes you think the worst. It’s going to be hard to ever change that especially as time is of the essence. I know for sure that if you do not speak up even if you think you are being neurotic that canSer can creep up on you and catch you off guard. Now there is a fine line between being real and being totally mad. I am pleased to say that this morning my back did ache a bit but my ribs didn’t.

Maybe I was worrying last night as I had been emailing the lady I mentioned on Friday, Helen who is also writing a blog and raising money for charity since her sister in law has canSer. Another hero in my book. Helen emailed me and gave me more info as to why she has embarked on the charity drive.  Her sister in law was 29 years old when she started her roller coaster. She is now 33 and ‘it’ is in her bones, spine, stomach, and lungs. God it makes me sick. I don’t want anyone else to be going through this. I know that her sister in law, also a Clare, is in pain. It’s so hard having any condition, disease, or illness. For anyone thinking about ill health the worst is feeling in pain. I can’t imagine what it must feel like physically or mentally. Or rather I don’t want to imagine that. The thought of things is much worse than actually experiencing them… well in most cases. I am getting to know Helen and as she is going to be organising a charity ball in Oxford I am defo on her side and will be getting bodies there and hopefully getting raffle prizes and doing anything I can. Working together only seems natural. And she is a local girl. All I think right now is what can we do for Clare, Helens sister in law? I need to know what treatment she is having and maybe I can point her in the right direction. Start with alleviating symptoms, helping her spirit and then let’s get cracking at getting her some special treatment. It then led me to read in ‘What the Doctors don’t tell you’ and article titled, ‘Immune system is best cancer fighter, ‘milestone’ research confirms’. It states a healthy immune system is the best way to beat cancer. In fact the ‘war on cancer’ will never be won if we solely rely on chemotherapy, say researchers in a new report hailed as ‘ a milestone of cancer research’.

A research team from the Eberhard Karls University in Tubingen, Germany, has demonstrated and proved that the immune system has the capability to drive tumours and cancerous cells into a state of permanent dormancy. This means that immunotherapy is an effective  cancer therapy and it does so without destroying cells, say the researchers, led by Prof Dr med Martin Rocken. Instead it causes senescence, or lifelong dormancy, in cancer cells and stops the cancer spreading.

OK so what jumps out of that article.. Germany.. again! Well that only makes feel more confident in what we are doing. With another round (round 3) of immunotherapy coming up I just hope this little trickster of a canSer stops too!

After I got all my chores done today I have sat for a few hours making more bracelets as requested by the ‘bracelets elves’. Another 100 red heart bracelets have been made and already packed to go their sellers. I never expected for them to be so popular and I am still having people email saying they have friends in other parts of the country willing to circulate them for me too. I have also been asked by the Cancer Vaccine Institute if they can sell them in their shop.. Ok so maybe I need to get some more printing of the cards done and get my tushy on the floor to make a proper load more! Whoda thunk it eh? My little bracelets… Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

This week ahead is exciting. I’m working tomorrow and then off to my mum’s for some proper girly time together. I didn’t get to see her on Mother’s Day so it is only right I visit her and let her look after me! Haha!

Back from the Land of Smiles.. and still smiling.. raring to go in 2013!

A big ‘Hello’ to all our new friends! You are probably wondering what this website and blog is all about. We hope to bring two things into your life.

Firstly, truth about success, positivity and a plan for all canSer (deliberately miss-spelt to stop its dominance) survivors and everyone who is supporting a survivor, not just with triple negative breast canSer but all canSers.

And secondly, as you never know when you may have canSer or any tragedy in your life, to look at life differently than perhaps you have. To never “put off” the things you want to do. Never say “I’ll travel when I retire” or put off that romantic dinner, visit to loved ones, hugs or even spending an hour exercising or in thought. Tomorrow may never come, yesterday cannot be changed and now, today is all you have.

So welcome to Making Triple Negative a Positive!

 

Still reeling at the number of followers we achieved before the end of 2012… I have unfortunately been distracted and havent been updating my blog so I do apologise for leaving you all in the lurch especially if you have only just joined us. The end of 2012 was a magical one spending it by the sea in Thailand with nothing to do but watch thousands of sky lanterns and fireworks going off – just me and my Bear. Nothing fancy, not sad and no expectations or resolutions. I don’t need to resolve anything. I just need to continue doing what I have been doing for the last 6 months. I suppose if I need to improve anything then that would be to have faith and trust implicitly. I must trust that everything will work out for the best.

 

The holiday was just what we needed and for the first time in ages I didn’t even think about canSer. I don’t feel ill and I don’t look ill so there was no reason to factor it into my life just for that short time.

The holiday was different than normal mainly due to the weather. Anyone that knows me knows I love the sun and would do nothing more than bask in its glory getting a get tan and soaking up the vitamin D and heat like a meercat. Sadly the weather was as unpredictable as it is over here in the summer. I tried not to be bitterly disappointed and tried to see what I was being taught. And I did learn something.

 

Due to the weather meant that we went off exploring, leisurely strolls along the beach, sea kayaking in caves, and boat trips. One morning we came across wild monkeys that were very comfortable around us humans (so much so they climbed all over me! Argh!) It was an amazing sight and so very funny. Another day we decided to have Thai massages and came across a little hut with a lovely woman called Tik Tik. She was very generous and spoke very good English. She told us she had learnt to speak English by relatives of some of those that lost their lives in the tsunami who still travel there every year to volunteer and help the children. She told us in detail about how devastating the tsunami was. It was incredibly moving yet she was upbeat and wanted to give us the nicest time. We had some more treatments! Pete had reflexology which is nothing like it is over here as they use a wooden stick. He was in agony but bizarrely felt better afterwards. He said he was being treated by the Queen of Pain! Ha ha!

 

Before we left, Tik Tik kept holding my hand and saying to Pete how charming I was. Pete told her that I had been ill and she said that her mother and sister have breast canSer so felt the pain and sadness too. She was very emotional and kept sniffing me (thought she was going to kiss me on the cheeks but no, she sniffed me!) Then she told me she loved me and said I was special and to be strong in my head and my heart. She insisted in us returning next year and she would throw us a party and she will cook Thai food for us. I believe her. I am going to keep in contact with her by email. I felt incredibly moved and that was the first time I had been reminded that I am apparently ill. I had a few tears….

 

The holiday was the first time since July that I had not exercised, meditated (well actually did it once on a rainy day), practised yoga, juiced or done any of my rituals. I didn’t feel like it. I just felt free. And it was lovely. I tried to continue with the best food choices that I could but sometimes a pancake fell into my mouth by accident and I did drink alcohol every day. And I don’t feel bad about it. I am not beating myself up and thinking I could be better. I still ate a very healthy diet better than before and I know that despite wishing for the weather to be better that it was the first time in a long time that I felt really happy and relaxed.

The holiday was topped off with a huge high. We returned to Bangkok for a day before flying home. We had a day of decadence and sunbathing followed by shopping and eating and drinking. All my favourites!

 

I definitely want to go back and even felt sad when it was time to come home. The Thai people are so calming and respectful. On the flight I became overwhelmed and the fear of the canSer returned just briefly. Everything seems so much more magnified. The real fear of getting sick and no matter what I think most of the time it’s those little moments of panic that really get me. Pete snuffled me and said I am going to be fine and everything is working.

 

I did a lot of reading whilst there and finished the book Love, Medicine and Miracles by Dr Bernie Siegel. Wow. I feel motivated and feel like this illness can be kicked no matter what I have been told. There is this excerpt that I liked;

‘To some extent, cancer is not a primary disease. It is partly a reaction to a set of circumstances that weaken the body’s defences. That is why when a doctor cures cancer or another disease without ensuring that the treatment addresses the patient’s entire life, a new illness may appear. .. One does not have to be a saint to be healed. It’s the effort of working toward sainthood that brings the rewards. As Richard Bach, author of Jonathan Livingston Seagull wrote, ‘Here’s a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: If you are alive, it isn’t.’

 

Back to reality now though; I’m off to hospital this morning for my bloods and clinic appointment and to be given my second cycle of chemo. If it’s anything like the first then it will be a doddle. I believe I won’t get any side effects. Started the day off nicely though with my green juice- oh how I’ve missed it! Then I must get the Christmas tree and decorations down for another year. Tomorrow I will start my rituals again… I’m looking forward to 2013. It’s going to be our year!!!

Letter to CanSer

Acupuncture today. My energy is apparently better than before so the treatment was different. I had some points done in my hand that were working on both sides of my heart?!  Cool. 🙂

I have been saying my affirmations and really trying to say them like I mean it! I feel really well and I don’t want that to change.

I have decided to write a letter to canSer.. so here goes;

 

Dear canSer,

We have known each for two years now and I would like to take this time to tell you that I really do believe it’s time that we parted.

For the most part, I have felt very angry and scared of you and I refused to believe that you were part of me, that my body created you.

In the last few months I have learnt that I have been very angry and upset with my world and have wanted nothing more than to know what was going to happen and to control you- extract you from my life forever. You have dominated my mind and my feelings so much and still do in a way but in a different way- thankfully. I have taken my energy and utilised it to help me rather than help you get stronger.

I know that you will never be apart fully and you will always be a part of me somehow but I don’t think that’s a negative. I actually need to thank you now. It may have taken you a few attempts for me to really hear your message but thankfully with your perseverence; your nagging has finally got me to change my life for the better. I have never felt so good. I have learnt so much about myself, the world, people and what I truly want out of life.

For the biggest part I have never felt so much love; love for my Bear, my family and my friends and even complete strangers. As the song goes, ‘Love is all around us’.. not to make you sick but I love that movie! smiley-embarassed.gif)

I am sorry for having ignored you for almost two years and not taking you seriously enough before. I assumed that you would be removed from my life without any effort from me. How wrong I was and how utterly disrespectful of me.

For a long time I have been petrified of you and what you will do to me. I have never been so scared in all my life and I fear that the more I cried the stronger you became. I am grateful to you that you have taught me to be the person I have always wanted to be. I have done things I have never done before and have always wanted to like acupuncture, reflexology, eating really well (and losing weight so I don’t even consider the fat bits! I have never done that in my life.. It’s so refreshing!) I have been trying new foods and being more conscious to what I use and what effect it has on the world. I have been able to share what I have learnt with everyone and I get to write about my thoughts and feelings every day for everyone to see and understand. I have reawakened parts of me that I had buried and rekindled the love of many things like drawing.

I am still very afraid of you and I have a lot to learn. But what I have realised is that I created you, so the strength in this relationship is with me. I can therefore ask you to leave. I don’t do it with hate and I am not trying to kill you but I wish you to move on. I ask you with love. Please.

smiley-innocent.gif

I will continue to grow stronger and my thoughts for you will become less and less once I know it doesn’t matter what the future holds. All I know is that I must trust myself and the Universe to take care of me. I am doing the best I can at this time and I am happy and at ease with every choice I make.

So dear friend.. please pack your bags and get yourself out of me- pronto! Do the conga should you wish.. I think that would be a great way to go!

Light and love

Not yours,

C X