Don’t know what I want.. live in the present or look to the future. It must be the Gemini in me!

Our first weekend home after being away for what felt like eternity was a real treat. I have caught up on the usual chores like washing and ironing. This bizarrely enough makes me feel really good. I like getting things done and being normal. It gives you a sense of what everyday life should be like.

I love my weekends as I get to spend it with my favourite person… my Bear. The weather wasn’t brilliant this weekend so we caught up (I am sad to admit) on TV programmes that we had missed. Now some may frown upon this as someone with my circumstances must want to do so many other things that be bothered by favourite TV programmes but it makes me happy and being happy is one of the ten point plan. In fact it is probably the most important element in healing. Happiness forces you to be stress free. You can’t be stressed and happy can you?!

Today is my first day back at work. I work from home so it’s not really that much of a big thing but I do love putting on my uniform and going to work in my home salon. I have, sadly, had a few cancellations today though. Sometimes I try to see what opportunities these cancellations give me. Often I need the time off to get things done and have more ‘me’ time. I have to admit I am a bit disappointed that I am not fully booked as I can really do with the money what with all the treatments aboard and time off work. Plus I have goals to achieve like getting my kitchen done. I am a long way off of raising the money for that but I have to start somewhere.

But I am not going to stress about it. It has given me the afternoon to get other things done. I have been asked by Nicola Jane lingerie to write a piece on the day in my life so that they can add it to their blog. I found it quite therapeutic actually and enlightening.  My days are very different to most people as I spend so much time during the mornings on me. Most people don’t have that opportunity so I do feel really blessed to be so lucky.

What to do with the rest of my day? I am going to read some more chapters of my book by Dr Lissa Rankin, Mind over Medicine and also dust off the ipad and use my sketches app.

I had a friend come over today for her brows. She is a good friend who looks after my furry animal (not Pete!) when I am away, which let’s face it, is often these days! In return I do her eyebrows for her. A bit of girly pampering is so nice! She is currently training as a reiki healer and has trained as holistic therapist in the past. She said that she feels that I may need to visit or speak to Mark, the hypnotherapist I saw earlier this year. She has a strong feeling that I need let go of things to move on. I have to agree with her. I am dealing quite well with things but I do feel that there is something holding me back from really living. I still fear what is going to happen every three months. I try not to let it happen but I can’t shift that feeling of wanting things to change. In a good way. What I mean is that I would really love it if we didn’t need to go to Germany as much because there is no evidence of cancer. I think I could really feel freer than I am now.

It’s like a block. I have forgotten what life was like before I had this diagnosis. I am sure I worried about pointless things. I really do want to live more in the present. I want to be more mindful.  It’s so weird no sooner have I said I want to live in the present I have a longing to plan for the future! Is this the Gemini in me? Being flighty and needy? Ha!

I received a really lovely letter from a fellow triple negative survivor this weekend that really moved me. It’s so good to hear from others and know that my blogs aren’t boring them to tears. I love hearing about their supportive partners. I feel blessed having my Big One. He is the one that keeps me going. Maybe one day I will meet some of my followers….


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