Last week I went to see a doctor at the pain management clinic regarding the pain in my ribs.
The doctor was really lovely and listened to my history and the pain I experience. He examined me and said that he thinks it’s a mixture of nerve and muscular pain. He doesn’t think I should have an injection to stop the nerve pathways as they can sometimes cause more pain and actually don’t last that long. OK That’s fine with me. He has recommend that I use lidocaine plasters placed over the painful areas. Long term he feels that if the pain increases then I could have tablets to alleviate those symptoms. The drugs he mentioned are old cheap depression tablets that also help with pain relief. The only thing is the side effects can affect sleep patterns and mood. Urgh… well I won’t be having them then! He has written to my GP and I can get the plasters when I am ready. I feel quite happy with that. I didn’t expect to be told why it’s happening but he was open to discussion and said that if I needed to in the future I can see him again for more help.
This morning I spoke to a lovely lady who works for ‘Stand up for Cancer’ the charity event on Channel 4 hosted usually by Davina McCall. She wanted to talk to me about my story and kind of interviewed me to keep my details for any media thing that I may be suitable for. At this time she is just compiling stories. It’s kind of cathartic discussing my history. It can be a reminder of the last six years and I suppose I do forget the details. I must have sounded very positive and upbeat as the journalist picked up on it. We did discuss though that if she had called tomorrow I might have been different as every day is different as I never know how I will feel.
Today, I have nothing to feel sad about (except my hubby is away on business for a few days… humph, no cuddles for me tonight. I’d best wear my warmest pyjamas as he won’t be here to keep me warm! Whaaaaa!!) First world problems eh?
But really things are going ok. My cough is annoying, my ribs are still causing issues and I am slightly concerned about the wheeze I can hear in there. If I actually sit back and think about things then I do feel worried that my treatment for future is unclear. But this will be acted upon once I get scan results next month from scans I will be having at the end of this month.
Emma, the journalist, asked me what is it like living three months at a time, as this is how often I have scans. I suppose it is weird and I explained I would like a ‘normal, ordinary’ life but what is that?
What was I like before canSer? The same really I guess. I partied a lot, had nice holidays and surrounded myself with friends and family.. the same as now then really? Well in fact I probably do more of the good stuff! But I guess the main thing that is different in me is that I care more, I feel more grateful. I feel conscious of my existence and have taken many hours thinking about life, death and dying. Fear is probably a huge addition to my life as I lived in ignorance before. Haven’t we all done that? Ignorance is bliss.
So much of me wishes I didn’t have to live with this annoyance of a disease. Triple Negative Breast Cancer has been the bane of my life, naturally and for those around me. Life isn’t fair. But then I look around me and my reflection in the mirror and realise how bloody lucky I am. I don’t really suffer that much. Only being neurotic and high maintenance is a problem! But then canSer had nothing to with that! Haha. I have so much fun, and love all around me.
Love is the answer! I’ve talked about this a lot but really everyone needs a reminder. How lucky are you? I have canSer and once upon a time was obsessed with when I would die. The fear, the unknown, the worry of when and will I be alone and what about leaving my loved ones behind? But it’s a fact of life. I know I will die but I am hopeful cancer won’t be the thing that takes me. So when you look at it that way what is the fear of having canSer all about?
Once you appreciate that you are doing everything right. Leave the regrets, the what if’s, the ‘if only I had done this’ behind and live today and every day with a smile on your face and so much love pouring from your heart then life is bbbbrrrrillliiiaaanttt!
Peter and I had a lovely weekend with friends here from Ireland and we have had an absolute ball. Such happy memories. Life is about living it. Sometimes you need to step back and take stock and be kind to yourself. The rest of the time, God willing, get out there and envelope yourself in the light and the love. Follow the ten point plan on my website and it has the essentials for life. We need mindfulness, physical activity, good nutrition, an open mind and above all else gratitude and LOVE!
I don’t have the Monday blues, I just want to feel excited and happy for as long as possible and for everyone around me to feel the same way.
CanSer doesn’t have to be doom and gloom. I know I have been provided with the best support from my nearest and dearest and complete strangers. It has bought so much goodness to my life. That is what we should all focus on. So if you are having an off day. Here is a big hug.
Light and Love