The last few days have actually felt like spring has sprung. The sky has been blue and the flowers are well and truly blooming, the birds are noisy in the mornings and I love that. I love going to my bedroom window and seeing what the Universe has on offer today. I thank God, the Universe and my angels. always.

Hopefully I have already had a lovely snuffle with my not so friendly cat, my Bear would’ve left (now not in the dark) I love the year progressing and the days getting longer.

The lovely bright spring days have me in a quandary though, as all I want to do is go outside and feel the warmth of the spring sun and take it all in. The smells, sounds and the colours. Despite having so much to do out there I can envisage what a wonderful time we will have in our garden the year ahead. Sitting on our new patio made me smile and imagining the BBQ’s yet to come with the Bear being chef.
I like to make the excuse that I have to go outside for my vitamin D but there is so much to be done.

I have been honoured to be outside for most of  last week, not always in the sunshine but definitely in fresh air. Nothing is fresher than up a mountain. It’s a long story but we had a booking in Austria by mistake (a good one to have and tying it in with medical and business always helps) We drove, despite our nightmare in January, and made a few stops along the way. One was at Lake Constance where the Zeppelin Museum is by chance. It was so beautiful and the weather so mild. Itwas dreamy and calming.

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The mountain in Austria had mixed weather for us, so not so calming. When we arrived it was very windy. Then the following days were a mixture of blue skies, bad visibility, lots of snowfall and rain, and a good dose of sunshine too.

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It made for a very interesting trip as well as having the thoughts of how badly it went for me in January. This time was different. The first day wasn’t great, mainly due to the wind having most of the lifts closed for safety, but the rest of the week turned out amazing. I had plenty of falls, but my confidence grew and I was back Baby! I had an epic fall one day where I face planted the piste and ended up eating snow! Haha. Thank goodness for other skiers picking me up.  I fell quite a bit and ended up with lots of bruises- that’s not a surprise at the moment due to my bloods being low.

Most of the week my legs were in agony mainly due to lack of exercise and full of lactic acid and neither of us slept- we think due to the energy in the mountain. But adrenaline kicked in every day and somehow I managed it and felt really proud. The last day I really let loose and it really felt like the old days… and maybe I was overly confident as I was skied really fast at times. It was exhilarating.

Back in a flash, we wish it could by a click of our fingers but sadly it was more like 10 hours of driving, and back to home life already. It’s very busy still and I now wonder how I  ever skied so much last week.

Daily I feel very tired, despite sleeping reasonably well, but I feel like I coming down with flu or a cold. I have shivers, fever and generally feel run down. Luckily paracetamol helps but I am worried that taking too many isn’t good?

I have a lot to do, admin wise and around the house but I just don’t have the motivation.
Now that has changed since I was taking steroids. I stopped taking them completely over a week ago and have noticed a change in my appetite (it’s much smaller) I also don’t feel frantic and that means I sleep better but also the thoughts and motivation has changed. Its’ really odd.

Physically, I was hoping, would change really quickly too, but I have only seen a slight change in my face but it still remains puffy and some days a little sore . My body is still 2 dress sizes bigger than before and I can’t blame all that on steroids. I can for the reason I put on weight but not for eating all the pies! It’s really odd seeing myself as a bigger me. I have nice big booty again. I had lost that from being so slight before. My belly still gets very uncomfortable and bloated, despite me not eating sugar, or having much dairy. My calorific intake has reduced massively purely by changing needs and wants. I am trying to eat healthier it’s just what my body wants now.

I do feel quite down in the mornings. I think because I feel rough and I am frustrated with myself. I want to get out of bed full of energy. This is hampered by the fact that my haemoglobin is down to 8.9 again. It should be between 12-15 and last month had increased to 10.2. I know it’s due to treatment but I really need to get healthier and stronger. I am doing everything I can but I think I will just have to persevere.

 

There have been a few messages that I have received recently from other survivors that have also been treated in an unsavoury way by their NHS oncologist. I am surprised they can get away with it and refuse treatment. I know they have to be realistic and are saving money but I bet if it was their family member or themselves, it would be a different story. My advice is if you are not happy get a second opinion and that can be at a different hospital. Also do not let them speak to you in a manner that upsets you. You can make a complaint or call your secondary breast care nurse. They will certainly address it for you.

Remember the NHS cannot and should not; ‘Make a decision about you, without you.’ They may need reminding that you are not a number but a human being with feelings.

 

I have had lots of friends popping by recently and yesterday my good friend popped in and gave me another haircut. Last week my bald spots and thinning from the cyber knife got worse and I felt really uncomfortable. Bear suggested we shave it off but while I can make some sort of funky style out of it, I will.

This week I will continue to get better and I am really looking after myself but I really need my rituals to be firmly in place. I realise that doing those things first thing in the morning may no longer be for me.

I have reintroduced having lemon, bicarbonate of soda, olive oil and water as an alkaline drink in the mornings.
I am taking supporting supplements.
I am eating cleaner, and less dairy, sugar, meats and bad fats.
More clean greens and unprocessed foods, made with love (now that’s really important!)
No alcohol (except the odd G and T at the weekend- it’s almost medicinal!)
Plus checking portion size.
I now need to slot in the exercise.
I am still trying to research my next option for treatment mainly by the Bear sending me links to things he has found. I am still very worried that I have limited options. No matter what I try and tell myself, I can’t get out of my head what I was told in January. God, I need help! And I do have lots of help in so many ways and so much support but it doesn’t stop that niggle and that worry.

It’s hard for Pete too. The slight mention of a headache, neck ache or anything really, he is very concerned that it’s cancer. I try to play everything down because I am a vocal worrier and mention every pain, discomfort and niggle. That’s me. I share everything, which isn’t always a good thing, especially for your loving fella who just wants you to be happy and well. If I listed everything that is not right at the moment, you’d be reading for ever!

 

So as not to bring you all down and to moan again, lets focus on the good stuff.
I don’t have any problems really without the steroids. Headaches or migraines are not causing me trouble since I stopped taking steroids- this is a good sign that the oedema has reduced, therefore meaning the tumours have too. That I find out in April.

My lungs hopefully are also reducing still despite this horrible cough that won’t leave me and is causing my ribs to hurt again but on the upside is tightening my abs so I am hoping the bikini belly will be ready in a short time!

For today I day I will crack on with living, loving and trying to get some relaxation in there too. I hope you like the photo below-

Bear and I are sending you much love and light.

XXX

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