I feel all.. floopy.

Wednesday morning I headed down to Tooting to St Georges again, this time not only to collect interleukin 2 injections but also to see Professor Dalgliesh. I left myself plenty of time but unfortunately my train was cancelled. I was too worried though. I got to the hospital half hour late and I expected to wait like I would at the Churchill in oxford. They are always running late there but I walked in to an empty waiting room! What a novelty. I was seen by Nneka who provided me with the injections and then Prof wanted to see me… for all of about twenty seconds. He asked if I had any symptoms, No. I chatted about the lumps in my tummy that the il2 injections leave. Apparently that is normal but if I was to let the injection warm up to body temperature before injecting then the lumps wouldn’t occur. Oh, now they tell me!

So as quick as I arrived, I then left. Pete had messaged me earlier to say that he was having meetings in London that afternoon so I hopped on the tube and went over to Knightsbridge to meet him after. It was a great afternoon mooching around the shops trying not to buy anything and then I had a message from a friend saying her partner was in the vicinity and he was on his way to meet me!  Don’t you just love spontaneous events? We sat in the sun having a few cheeky Pimms and lemonades whilst we waited for Pete. Then along he came and afternoon went into evening. It was just lovely. I had a really good day.

I did my injection in the car on the way home and by the time I got to bed it was nearly midnight. It was worth staying up late for though. Unfortunately the injection gave the same side effects as before. I had a fever that woke me up about four hours later. It’s hard to describe because not only do I feel hot I feel like there is a hole in my back; a pain deep inside but towards the back of me. I imagine a hole in my spirit, my chakras. It’s so weird. I can’t lie still and I feel utterly awful. I popped a few paracetemol as usual but they didn’t have any effect.

Needless to say yesterday wasn’t such a good day. I felt just rubbish. I felt drained, sickly and just plain achy. I walked so much on Wednesday my legs ached (but on my UP app it said I had walked 22,000 steps! Yay!) And I just couldn’t snap out of it. I had a day of clients too until 7.30pm. The good thing though, was working did take my mind off it and I didn’t wallow in self pity but the end of the day couldn’t come quick enough.

I cooked us an omelette for tea. Something nice and light and even that I couldn’t stomach. I am such a moaner. All day I felt teary and just absorbed in my own self pity.

It probably doesn’t help not knowing what my scan results are. I am not sure why I let them define me? It makes no difference really what the results are. All they do is decide what my next step is. But I can’t help but wish for an exceptional outcome. Am I being too unrealistic to expect that?

With all these aches, pains and twinges part of me thinks it’s great because my body is responding to the injections and vaccines. The other part of me thinks that there is something profoundly wrong. But my little body is going through quite a lot. I mustn’t be too hard on myself.

I do feel though the last month or so I haven’t been on an even kill. I can decide if I have had more off days than good ones. I miss feeling awesome all the time. Most days I have plenty of energy and always exercise. Today was different. I simply couldn’t muster up the energy. Last night I did sleep better, I didn’t take any paracetemol after having my il2 injection and I felt a tiny bit better. I did have a hot, sweaty night again and I did feel achy and odd. Thankfully not like I had a hole in my back.  It’s hard to describe. At the moment I feel my spirit is off. I know I haven’t been having as many treatments from other therapists but I am not sure they could help.  I feel all, like Phoebe from Friends would say floopy. I am in need of being in balance and I don’t know what will do that.

Update on my arm: The vaccination I had last Thursday has now erupted and looks like a volcano. It is sore and pusy. It’s so unattractive but in the scheme of things, who cares, right?

On the plus side, Pete is being an absolute diamond as always. Every morning he brings me a hot lemon drink and tucks me up whilst he leaves for the gym or work. An hour later he calls to see how I am. I couldn’t ask for a better way to start the day. I am really enjoying my morning rituals. I even love the green juices now. I always knew they were beneficial but having vegetable juices is quite hard to stomach. I don’t know what has changed but I really love them.

My life is brilliant. I just wish I could sleep soundly and feel replenished in the mornings. I want to be full of energy and have a zest for life.

I am still waiting for scan results. Despite the secretary saying she would email them, the radiologists haven’t actually done the report yet. Really? Well if by Tuesday they haven’t been done I won’t be going to see Professor Harris. I know they will be ready then and I just can’t stand sitting in the clinic waiting room dreading what he will say.

I know this is playing on my mind. As I said it really doesn’t matter what they say but I so want good news. I need to shift this living every three months. It isn’t good for my health. Or Pete’s.

When I’m feeling tired and emotional I just wish I could worry about other things like normal people do, like where to go on holiday , or having to save up for home improvements. Living with bloody canSer gets so boring. To be honest I wouldn’t mind, thank you very much, if I could just be told it was all over and then I could focus on helping other people. But… that’s just life. My life.

Blah, blah, blah… I bored of moaning. I have so much to be thankful. This morning I opened the door to receive a package. I opened it up and it was gift bought for me by Pete. It’s a stylus pencil for the app I use to make my drawings. We have been waiting for months for it to arrive in the UK. Yay! I am so chuffed. Also i have a man here right now. Sounds odd right? J He is measuring up and designing my kitchen. I have wanted a new kitchen for years and we decided to at least take the first step and get someone in to design and price it. Then we just need to see if we can afford to have it done. Gulp. Anyway, these are all things to look forward to.

This weekend we have lots to look forward to, seeing friends, laughing and joking. Just what we need…..Happiness….

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