I want to have a normal..ish life.. Is that possible?

I feel like I am getting back to normal..ish . The last few weeks have been great. Time with friends and last weekend we went to Frankfurt. It was for treatment but we went a bit earlier and met friends and experienced the Christmas Markets. We feasted on German sausages and drank mulled wine… and felt suitably warm and fuzzy.

Sleep however wasn’t working for me and maybe it was the worry of having to have another TACE procedure early Monday morning. Monday came and off I went for my 9th or is 10th TACE now? I have lost count. Luckily for me I didn’t have much waiting time as you know how edgy I can get!
This time TACE was different yet again. Not the procedure but the way I responded. I felt really sick and starting vomiting whilst in recovery. I felt terrible for the visitors having to watch me throwing up but I just couldn’t stop and this got worse as I hadn’t eaten or drunk anything.
Whilst waiting to see Prof Vogl before I left I even had to throw up in his office. He kind of said ‘Merry Christmas’ and ran out of the room. It was at that moment that Pete arrived… Thank goodness. Just like a small child, I spotted my Bear and started crying. Prof’s secretary gave me some anti sickness tablets and told me not to worry.
What with me throwing up I hadn’t got time to ask lots of questions, which I am sure Prof Vogl was pleased about. It seems that the tumour that he focuses on in my right lung, the largest is now small enough for me to have LITT or microwave ablation. I was met by his colleague who said I could have an appointment at the beginning of January starting at 6.30am!
I had radiofrequency ablation a year and a half ago at St George’s in London, but this was done under a general anaesthetic and I was told I couldn’t fly for some time after the procedure. It seems with Vogl I am going to be awake whilst it is being done and I am able to fly home no problem. I think this is wishful thinking as how do they know that my lung won’t have a few problems?
I am unsure. I definitely want it ‘burned’ as Prof Vogl says but do I risk flying? I have to be there for a few days and it is going to cost more than the TACE. The thing is the date they have given me is only four weeks away. We already have Dr Nesselhut booked for the second week in January and what with the cost, logistics and commitments with work it seems impossible to do so soon.
I decided to ask Prof if he thinks it would be ok to travel there in February instead. I like to have something once a month rather than all at once. It is too much for me and for Pete and his business too. His reply was to say that hopefully the tumour wouldn’t have grown too much in that time.
Not the reply I really wanted. I guess his nose is out of joint as I a, going for treatment with Nesselhut but surely it won’t grow that much in 9 weeks? I am having other treatments at the same time and they all contribute to the shrinkage and stabilising of the disease. It’s very narrow minded to think it could be just one thing assisting in the decline of the disease.
His reply put me into a spin. I was feeling very bad yesterday. I slept for only 3 hours on Monday night. Poor Pete. I got up and cracked on with things that were running around my mind as well as doing washing, ironing, and anything else I could tick off the list easily. But the plan was to get that done and then get on the sofa and rest for the afternoon. That was the plan only I couldn’t sleep. I had received an email to say a delivery wold be arriving within a time frame. This meant I was worried about falling asleep and missing it…. Urgh… I was wrecked and felt completely crappy.
My muscles ached, I felt nauseous so I took more anti sickness tablets, nothing felt right and I guess that I was so exhausted I was hugely emotional. I wanted to be scooped up and told everything was going to be ok. Amidst the emotion I was trying to organise the next visit to Vogl. I still haven’t made a firm decision on dates.
Of course I would like to do it all at once but logistically it would mean having about a week and half off work right at the beginning of the working year. We would drive in case I did experience complications so that would mean extending the trip. This means more time in hotels and the stress just increases. Plus we have to raise the funds.
And there is one other thing. We do want to have a normalish life… Maybe I am being narrow minded and that if we went full on into kicking canSers butt even more than I have been, would that eradicate it? I don’t know? I have been really confident in the treatment plan lately. I do what I do at home, I have everything that Nesselhut has to offer and then I have been having TACE and now the next step is to have LITT or MWA (burning the biggest tumour) So amongst having all that going on we also want to be a couple and experience life away from canSer and the winter season is when we love to make our way to a snowy resort and ski our faces off! I don’t want to get to the point where I am not fit enough or well enough to ski. So It may seem odd that we choose to have holidays too but when they have been planned for months and we have scrimped and saved to ensure we can still live a normalish life then I think we should without fear or guilt or worry that we are making a grave decision.
All I want is to be normal. But that ain’t never gonna happen! Haha! But on a serious note… I think it is really important to try to try to have a life without canSer if possible. Right now I can, I think.
Haha… I can, I think.. That’s me all over. I make a decision, sort of!
Last night I slept like a log. Today I feel much better and brighter and more positive. I am less emotional but still really want my body to get stronger and healthier. My blood test showed that my red blood cell count had increased slightly which I was pleased about. I will keep combating the mild anaemia but I have to admit green veggies are evading me and I am drawn to comfort foods. (Don’t worry Pete is still feeding me liver!)
You know it’s funny. When lying in bed awake the other night I wrote the blog in my head and I have totally forgotten everything I wanted to say. I am sorry I cannot share that with you but it’s probably best it wasn’t aired. I am sure that time of night my thoughts are not really making much sense!

For now I am cooking roasting peppers that were home grown for us by our friend and I getting geared up to start wrapping Christmas presents. I have no idea what is still left to do but I am loving the build up to Christmas day.

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