I’m having a weird Wednesday. In fact I am having a weird week so far. After the good news last week I had big plans for this week as it was predominantly free. I planned on doing lots of work updating my website and writing the survey, and exercising more and chatting with my builder friend (hoping to plan doing our kitchen) and doing all sorts but no pressure. Then I went and broke our car. A moment of distraction and I drove into a kerb damaging the alloy and tyre. Argh the cost and the inconvenience!
That one act has left me feeling gutted to be honest. I keep making mistakes. I keep making my life difficult. I keep putting obstructions in the way. Then Sunday night I awoke feeling sick. That has now meant almost three days of a stomach bug. And not just me. But Pete as well. We spent most of the day in bed on Monday. The problem is with this is that it means that we couldn’t consume anything. Again weight loss and trying to remind myself of what foods I like.
What is going on with us? I wrote on our kitchen black board that 2016 is going to be better. So far it is but isn’t. We seriously have had the most eventful start to the year. What is all about?
So today I had to make changes again because I woke up in the middle of the night bloody coughing… That bloody cough! Then my mind started whirring and I laid worrying about things; stupid things really. Things not worth worrying about. My head is a mess.
So things haven’t been a complete waste. I did meet a lovely lady who is going to help train me. Keep me on my toes and give me guidance. Sounds exciting? It is. My own personal trainer. She’s going to hold my hand and with the information I have provided help me become fitter and brighter.
She must have boosted me because the next person that saw me was my window cleaner, who said I looked much better than the last time I saw him. I must have looked awful!
You know, I have just had a little call from my bear. Who despite feeling under the weather has been going to work. He knew somehow that my head hasn’t been right today. It hasn’t been helped by a migraine.
I decided that I need to meditate and do some stretches. That helped me clear my head somewhat and I decided to write how I feel.
I am lost. I think. I am working hard at staying well but I think I have lost who I am. I like helping everyone and I love everyone’s support on Facebook and those that follow my blog but I do feel trapped by canSer. I know it’s not going to disappear that easy and that despite my good results I have to be well aware that the battle isn’t over. But I do feel like something is missing.
Go back to work then? Well I don’t want to let people down by cancelling. And at the moment that would’ve happened a lot. I have defo lost my drive to work. I am that lucky not to have to right now.
I don’t want to clean the house. I don’t want to sort my overfilled cupboards out. I have no idea why the house smells so bad of cat! And the weather is keeping us internalised. Bloody rain and wind and for goodness sake, do away with all these storms. Goodbye Storm Imogen. Who’s next Storm Jethro?
Weird things are happening. The storm has taken our metal watering can, all except the rose on the end! It’s nowhere to be seen. And my friend told me that his neighbour has lost three fence panels. They are nowhere to be found. I mean what a weird week so far.
It’s good to think. It’s good to write things down. And I have mulled on things all day. My stomach aches probably a mixture of bug and anxiety. We put ourselves through so much stress for nothing. Doing is better than not doing sometimes.
Do I feel better for having put this on paper so to speak? I thought I would. But I am no further forward with what I should do.
I need bloody therapy! But what kind I don’t know. I need solid sleep. I need calmness. laughter, happiness and the freedom of my mind. I guess that’s what we all need. This world is so complicated now. I like simplicity. I am a simple person. In more ways than one!
Not long till Bear is home to take me for another walk and through exercise and love I will get better…… That’s where I am going to leave it. Simply.