Letting go of the niggling thoughts…

Things are going really well on a day to day basis. It’s unreal that only last week I was having treatment in Germany. Thursday and Friday we got back into routine and began a new regime. Pete and I desperately need to feel better and that means making lifestyle changes. Pete wants weight loss and to be fit and healthy. I need to feel strong and balanced and improve my bloods. With being away so much it’s hard unless you put your mind to it. It’s all about planning.

The weekend was brilliant. We had lots of sleep, cuddles, love, laughter and the sun shone. We worked hard in the garden and cleaned the cars. Our godchildren visited and ran round the garden. Then yesterday we had a family dinner. These are the simple things that make me feel complete. I feel like I achieved something. It’s cathartic.

We didn’t drink any alcohol and I feel great. Pete doesn’t notice changes as much as I do. He had withdrawal headaches from stopping eating sugar and having caffeine. If nothing else I want Pete to feel healthier. The foods and drinks that go inside him now will be more nourishing.

I’m taking more supplements now. Nausea and vomiting has definitely passed and I’ve decided to stop taking the steroids. I was on such a low dose that my body makes that much anyway. So far so good. I’ve introduced reishi spore oil again. I really think mushrooms are great for the blood.

I’m on a mission to really get into exercising again. I need my body to feel stronger.
So with all these positive changes and improvements why do I still have niggling thoughts?

It’s been a tough four and half years. The last five months in particular. But I know that they’ve been rough because I’ve combined many treatments that take a toll. Now I’m on nivolumab with dc therapy mainly, apart from a few other bits and bobs. The thing is I’m worried. I’m worried that it’s not enough.

Three months of it and then I’ll have a scan. When I was having TACE and infusions with IPT I kind of new it was working. Symptoms were going and I could feel my body improving. Having a scan didn’t worry me massively because I knew things were improving. Now I’m a bit like- argh!

I hope to God and the Universe that I’m doing the right thing.

Every little physical change I’m really aware of. Last night I had a tickly cough and thought ‘Oh no, not my lymph nodes again?!’ Then I went to bed, thought positive thoughts and feel tip top this morning. So panic over.
I don’t want to be like a scare-dy cat for the next three months. I want to feel confident and enjoy now…

Life is such a gamble. I would love assurances but no one has that do they?

Today I have been to the hospital to0 have my bloods done again in preparation for administering the denosumab injection tomorrow.
I also had a pleasant surprise today by receiving an appointment letter to see Dr Plowman this Friday regarding gamma knife treatment. That happened quickly. Let’s hope we have a better experience this time. Once I can get the brain tumours gone completely I will be really confident about beating this thing.
So for now I want to continue getting stronger and feeling fitter and more cleansed and treating this body and mind with the utmost respect. X

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