Oo this is a tricky one…

Ah, the bank holiday weekend wasn’t bad at all, especially the one day the sun came out. The garden was our retreat and after much work we sat on our decking and took it all in. We love the sun. Sadly it has gone again but we will take it when we can.

Pete spent quite a lot of time yesterday after work (despite it being a Bank holiday) reading about the vaccination trial I am on. He found some really interesting information about how the heat killed mycobacterium has been around for a very long time. Read this excerpt;

‘In the late 1800’s Dr Coley noticed that patients who got an infection after surgery had a better prognosis. He created infections known as Coley Toxins. Although he had success this became overshadowed by Chemotherapy. (Over 100 years ago)!

The ability of this type of infectious vaccine to create immune response was first shown with BCG that protects against tuberculosis and is also still used today in the treatment of lung cancer and melanoma.

Mycobacterium vaccae was used on the same principle to treat leprosy and TB. Unexpectedly this also showed improvements in patients suffering cancer. This led to the development of: IMM-101 or Mycobacterium Obuense. M. Obuense has been heat killed so it is not infectious but still produces the desired immune response.

It is proven that cancers grow due to a deficiency in immune response and IMM-101 has been shown to encourage the body’s immune response and current clinical trials are being undertaken to investigate how effective this response is.’

So because chemo came along someone decided to put it on the back burner and forget all about it!

Why am I not surprised?

The vaccination sites on my arm have been ‘interesting’ this weekend. They have been pusy, yucky, growing, and painful. The one that I had first seems to have reactivated and is also giving out lots of gross stuff. Pete has been brilliant cleaning it with antiseptic wipes and dressing it daily. I try to leave it to air as much as possible but need to avoid getting them infected. I don’t think I will be ready for my next week next week. There is too much stimulation. Of course this activity does show stimulation of the immunity.  Pete read up online and he found another canSer survivor who was having the same treatment a few years ago. She too had the same response and was advised that it is good. OK I’ll take that.

 

I had a pranic healing session today and as usual it was very relaxing. In fact so relaxing I dribbled. Bearing in mind I sat up throughout! Pahaha! I was slightly embarrassed and had no idea there was that much saliva! It even left a dribble mark on my top…Shameful…

 

I’ve been thinking today, uh-oh… that’s never a good thing! I have been trying to work out what would I do if I didn’t have canSer? I have been trying to visualise living my life as I want it to be. That’s what I have been advised and I completely understand that you need to project where you want to be because your thoughts become your every cell and the mind can’t tell what’s real and what’s not. The problem is that when you have been living a certain way for so long, and for me it’s nearly four years, how do you switch that off?

Most canSer survivors will tell you that every twinge or ache and pain immediately puts the fear of God into them.  In a way having canSer and knowing where it is makes you feel more secure. You can kind of contain it. I would much rather not have it, believe me, but this is what the mind does to you.

Some people like being ill for all the attention. I am not one of them. I would gladly let all this pass but then what would my life be like? What would I be thinking about and focussing on?

We are all told not to focus on material things, that they do not give happiness. I know that love is the answer and I guess for most they have families to invest all their time and effort into. Women of my age generally have plenty of unconditional love all around them from their children. I guess I would try for a baby if I didn’t have canSer but I think I would have a fear of canSer returning. There I go again, not letting go. This is a tricky one.

This all came about because Pete asked what is the point of life? He too struggles with it. It seems so pointless when the love of your life will at some point die. one of us will be left behind. Now or in thirt years. I suppose the real question is what is the meaning of life? To me….

I have been thinking long and hard and I always put things together such as working more hours in a trade I love. But surely there has to come some positives out of this ordeal. I don’t want kudos or to be patted on the back and told how inspirational I am. I am happy to blend into the background. I think for me making Pete happy is my top priority. He needs oodles of love and I am the girl for that job. I’d like more responsibility so if I cannot have a baby then a dog would suffice. I think I’d like to volunteer my time and energy but I am not clear on how I would do that yet.

I feel that I have a duty to help others. There must be something I can do to give my life purpose, to give it more meaning.  I intend on my life being a long one, but I think I should live by my motto and that’s to ‘keep it simple’. I am going to keep on pondering on this one and will let you know if anything arises. Life after canSer feels like a world away at times but yet so close. More than anything I want Pete not to have to worry about me every second of every day. Despite knowing that worrying does no good, how does one switch it off?

For anyone that’s worried, I am not feeling sad. I am just asking the question that we all should be asking….What is the meaning of your life?

I’ll leave you all with that thought….

Light and Love. XX

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