TACE number 8….

Last Friday night was a night of glitz and glamour and time to spend with my husband’s colleagues. We attended a black tie event in London in aid of the Agents Giving Charity. Agents Giving is associated with members of the property industry from estate agents to suppliers. All people who dedicate their time and raise money for charities. It was really good fun and out of the blue VTUK, Peter’s business was mentioned, me included, for our charitable efforts. It was as expected slightly embarrassing but for once I didn’t recoil at the thought of having to go up on stage and accept an award. Of course I had Pete by my side who made me feel safe. It was actually fun! I did stand out a bit though with my bald head and an evening gown but I got many compliments.

The weekend was relaxing all except the England rugby team losing an important match on Saturday… Boo….I started to get a cold and cough and this really wasn’t great timing as we were heading off to Frankfurt on Monday for TACE.

The cold bought the pain in my ribs back hugely and I dragged myself out of bed Monday morning to open an email headed ‘Sad News’.
Gulp, that’s never a good start but I couldn’t believe my eyes. The email was from the husband of my friend, Lindsay, whom I met through another friend and we spent some time together in Switzerland when we were receiving GcMAF treatment last year. Another triple negative breast cancer warrior, she seemed bright, positive and loved her life and family. She emailed recently expressing the fact she had just been told she now had brain tumours. No problem I thought, she’s got this in the bag, just like I did last year. She started having treatment and was planning on going to Germany and so on….. But she never made it there. She had messaged to say she was really feeling quite unwell, and the next mail I received was Monday morning.

Shocked, saddened, beaten, gutted, are all words that just pop up when I think about it. It touches a nerve as I couldn’t help her more and she was just like me. I’m still here, despite everything, I’m still here. It doesn’t make sense and I am once again shocked as to how quickly one deteriorates. In just three weeks her health declined and she passed away. Oh my goodness. Of course Pete and I both shed a tear and passed on our condolences but what else can we do?

Well it gives me drive to make sure we get there. My drive for living a healthy and symptom free life carries on. Is that selfish? I so want to be canSer free. But shouldn’t I just be happy that I am currently well, no new tumours, no growth currently and without symptoms.

We hopped to Frankfurt to see Professor Vogl Monday and I was treated with my 8th TACE on Tuesday. Prof Vogl does make me chuckle. I had some weird things happen such as the numbing drugs kind of happened all at once, and I felt really woosy whilst the Prof was asking me questions, then felt completely drug free from that moment. It was a little tender this time but I was in and out of there by the afternoon. I spent a long time waiting to see Prof Vogl after the surgery and as usual he had all of about five seconds for me! Despite me stopping him and asking him more questions he just kept saying ‘Ok we see you next time!’ Now in the past this would wind me up, but I actually just find it funny now. It just makes me email him all the more and as he calls me his ‘number one emailer’ it makes me smile every time I press SEND. I did want to know whether I had any more miraculous events happen in the month since I had seen him. He said the tumours have got a little smaller but he seems more bothered that the ‘active zone’ seems really reactive. He thinks one or two more sessions of TACE then he wants to use LITT on my largest tumour in my right lung. LITT is basically laser ablation, I believe, done in one day as an outpatient. Gulp. I don’t like the sound of it but I am game. I asked about the tumour in my lymph node, the one that makes me cough when it is bad. He said it is still there but smaller. In fact he said, ‘You’re lungs are looking really clear. You should be running like a rabbit!’ Then out of the surgery room he walked. When I saw him later, he was wearing his apron that he wears when in surgery to protect him from the CT scan. I really smiled when I saw it had his name written on the front of it….Hahahaha! He found this funny also; well there was not much else he could do whilst I was pointing at him giggling.

OK I may not get all my answers out of him but I do feel like I am having decent treatment. I want to know if my lungs are looking clear, why do my ribs cause me so much pain? This I will find out in my next scans provided by my hospital locally. I have requested for them and await my dates.

Just like Dr Nesselhut, Professor Vogl seems uninterested if the tumours are shrinking. They seem more pleased there are no new ones and that I am living healthily and happily right now. And that’s when it comes back to the present yet again. I just think something has to give. How long can I continue to have these treatments without them having some dramatic effect and the canSer running for the hills? What am I missing? What else can I do? I guess I must be doing a lot right to still be here when there are those around me who aren’t.

I thank my blessings every day. My cold is abating, my ribs continue to hurt but it’s bearable, and bizarrely enough I don’t really feel too bad after having the chemo that I had Tuesday via TACE. So all is good quite frankly…..

I don’t know what else to say… I ramble on about my life and how I feel but to be honest all I am thinking about is the ones who didn’t make it. The pain their families and friends are going through and how living day to day is really all any of us can do. Life doesn’t get any easier unless you put love first and focus on this moment right now as your number one priority.

Light and Love magnified 100 fold……

XXXX

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