Here I am again, sitting at Heathrow airport. It’s now 6.30am and I have been up since 4am. Actually if you count how many hours I rolled around wishing I could sleep then you might say I have been up much longer than that. Both of us have. The sleep deprivation we are experiencing at the moment is taking its toll. You know me I love sleep but for some reason both the Bear and I are really struggling of a late.
You can forget how hard this whole life experience is on he ones nearest to you. On the front of it we have so much to be happy for. Pete has a successful business, we have everything we want, a lovely home with an abundance of things. We have lots of lovely times with lots of friends and family, yet there are still life worries which ordinarily wouldn’t make us lose sleep. But we are. Pete in particular.
It’s hard watching such a strong man who has gone through a lot of adversity already in his life to be stressed.
He wouldn’t mind me writing this but life sometimes gets too much. The mind is a muscle and it can break. We have to take of our heads and minds and feed it with love and kindness. Push it too far and who knows what the consequences could be. Pete has not been sleeping for months. All the while still trying to maintain his current life style which includes going to the gym at 5.30am every morning and working at least 10 hours a day and then taking care of our old gentlemen friend who Pete adopted some twenty five years ago (despite being in a care home now he still is hugely demanding and we have to organise clearing his flat out and bills and banks and so on) and then there is making enough money to pay for my private treatment and of course to top it all he worries about me.
What he hasn’t focused on is his own health. Ok he goes to the gym and he tries to have a healthy diet with me but that’s not enough. Push him just a bit further and think he will snap. I make promises of more sleep but getting into bed isn’t enough. He doesn’t sleep. Poor bear. He’s so tired. But you wouldn’t know it as he always has a smiling face and plan of action. Good man I have here.
The last few days have been jammed packed as usual. Whilst Pete was at conference on Friday (yet another long day working and playing) a friend and I made our way to London at 6am to watch the auditions of a tv show called ‘Got to dance’. It was such good fun and worth getting up early for. We spoilt ourselves with a gourmet meal and then a little wander round the shops. (I have no buyers remorse!) Back home we were joined by the boys(Pete and his work wife, Adam) for some banter and then an ‘early’ night. Yesterday was filled with lots of work and organisation and our already tired bodies had had enough.
I wonder if I just don’t cope as well as I did. This week has been a mixed bag. There have been lots of good things but then came some news.
My sister called crying. Her partner had just been told he has canSer. I feel terrible for her. It’s weird because I think I can cope with it but when I hear someone else has got it I just feel awful for them. I can remember the thoughts and feelings I went through the day I was told. That roller coaster you don’t want to get on is forced upon you. Bless her, my sister cried, ‘what is happening? First you now Gary?!’ It so hard to know what to say except to become completely practical.
I also doubt the information I have put together and wonder does my website help anyone at all? Do people really read it and take anything from it? I know I wish I had something to refer to when I was diagnosed but I notice people have such personal experiences that they do not follow the same advice.
CanSer is canSer, no matter what it is described as the principles are the same to a degree. And everyone needs to follow their own path. I can but only offer a helping hand and hope that they will make the right choices.
I feel terrible sadness for my sister and now my mother. She has another daughter who is right amongst it, up to her neck in it and more worry to have on her shoulders. The only advice I can start with is take each day as it comes. Try not worry about it until you know all the information. Easier said than done right?
Our heads have so much to cope with.. When it comes down to it, the worry, the anger, the stress and all of it is just fear. That’s why we don’t sleep and why we can’t function properly. Fear is crippling. Whether you have just been diagnosed or have been living with a disease or loved on going through it, fear is the thing we need to overcome.
Worry, fear and stress just take away from all the happiness in our lives.
Life is so short, too short for some but if we didn’t waste time worrying and being afraid then what would replace it? LOVE! All we need is love and when there is love there is no room for fear. I’ll try and love Pete as much as I can and hope that his and my fear go away.
I want to urge anyone that is canSer free and think they are healthy. Start making positive changes in your life now in every way. Tomorrow the rug could be pulled from under your feet and nothing will ever be the same again. It’s not too late….
I can help you, all you need to do is holler!