I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t…..

It’s been a long week and as usual we are glad to be home especially as it’s only a week until Christmas!
Pete thinks it has been the hardest trip we had in Germany primarily because I was unwell for most of it. Nothing specific really other than suffering diarrhoea, nausea some days, totally unexplained. I think maybe due to anticipation and anxiety of what was lying ahead of me. I also had trouble taking my tablets, again due to my head stopping me. My appetite suffered some days and then I started treatment at Dr Seibunhuners which entailed infusions of artemesinin, DMSO, B17, and incorporating insulin using the insulin potentiated therapy.

Firstly my veins in my left arm are suffering and I feel every prick of the needle so much so at the moment. The DMSO stinks and I immediately wanted to throw up. Not very nice for anyone there. I calmed myself down and got on with it but to be honest that stuff does my head. It’s supposed to enhance the intake of treatment but boy, I really hate it. Pete isn’t a fan either as I smell of rotten cabbages for days. It’s like when you eat garlic it lingers for days and washing, spraying perfume doesn’t disguise it. I oozed cabbages.. Brilliant.

Whilst having the infusions and IPT I also had oncothermia like that at Dr Nesselhuts. It took much longer this particular day than it did the first time I visited.  I don’t like change and I was getting frustrated with the lack of consistency. Every clinic and hospital does things differently. It takes a lot of getting used to.

Prior to this we had spent a lovely weekend in Cologne, and although we have been to the Christmas markets there before, we believe they are the best in Germany. So classy, have so much to offer and a real delight. The food is immense and the atmosphere is second to none. I would highly recommend going.

Yesterday we got up early for the first appointment available with Professor Vogl for TACE. Guessing I was first on the list I assumed I would be finished earlier than normal and we could be driving back to the Eurotunnel to catch a late train to get home. Although we love it there Pete really needs to get back for the business and to earn money to pay for this treatment.

Because we wanted it to happen it didn’t. I waited for hours in a bed before they took me into theatre. They then got me ready for Prof Vogl and left me there on the table on my own with no one in sight for about twenty minutes. Despite knowing I am English and all speaking perfect English and having met me three times now almost all members of staff kept talking to me in German! It was driving me insane! This time the procedure really hurt. I felt the cut in my skin and the tube being pushed but no flub dub in my heart. So strange. The drugs they gave me made my head spin… Again it felt so inconsistent to the time before. Once I had rested for three hours had to have my CT scan before seeing the Prof and getting on our way. Well it’s the law of attraction isn’t it? We were sat there for hours and despite me asking to be seen so we could go home they just left us there. The CT scan took 1 minute. Speaking to the Prof took five minutes. Seriously, I was so frustrated. No matter whether you are a private patient spending thousands on every visit, it doesn’t seem to matter. I am still treated just the same. I expect more. That’s just me.
On looking at the site where the procedure was done I do have more cuts and bruising and discomfort this time. I don’t know why or what was different. I do know the Prof is very pleased with the results so far and has suggested one more TACE then we ablate or use LITT which is a laser version to get rid of the largest tumour in my right lung. Pete and I told him that it had already been ablated. He said it didn’t work…

Whilst at Dr Seibunhuners the day before in my head spinney state after having no sugar or food since the night before I got a call from Dr Lim at St Barts. I was told that my tumour sample had returned negative and also due to the positive results of my recent CT and MRI scans that I was no longer accepted on the trial for PDL1. I hate being put on the spot and in my state I didn’t really have much to respond with so once I gathered my thoughts I sent Dr Lim an email.

I basically expressed my confusion as that I simply couldn’t have waited two months to start treatment and had to have radiotherapy and something to reduce the cough and the growth in my lungs. I wondered why I wasn’t accepted based at the time I went to see them? I wanted to know what was I meant to do? The reply I got was could I go and see them… Seriously? I replied telling her my time and money was precious to me and it would so nice to be able to receive treatment in the UK without having to pay for it like we are at the moment. I reluctantly agreed to visit her and Prof Schmid today.

Following that I waited to see Dr Seibunhuiner who wasn’t free so we decided to leave. We met with friends in Frankfurt and it was just so lovely. But I started to feel flu like and aching in my hips and lower back. I had gone a funny colour of white and felt freezing cold. Pete took me home and got my rugged up in bed. I eventually warmed up then became really feverish. Now I always believe that these could be good signs that something is working, or at least happening inside me! The next morning I felt much better before going to see Prof Vogl.

So we belted it all the way to the Eurotunnel hoping to arrive by the skin of our teeth. We don’t make things for ourselves! We would have been fine had a car not set on fire closing our motorway! Argh… being calm we just sat there whilst the road was closed and then got back on our way. We somehow did make it to the train and then got back to Blighty. The journey in England was worse than the journey in Europe. Motorway slip roads were closed, there was so much traffic and this was at 11pm! Finally arriving in the early hours we got to bed and felt thankful to be home.

Pete got up early as usual eager to get things sorted in the office and I got up and got myself on a train to London. I did see Prof Schmid quite quickly but as I expected it was to tell me that I wasn’t going to be accepted on the trial. Pete thought they would be accepting me because surely they wouldn’t get me to go all the way there when they could have emailed me this information?! Don’t be silly. They just added insult to injury.
Pete and I are sure that immunotherapy and PDL1 and PD1 are really something that could be a game changer for triple negative. There have been great results on the studies and things are really looking up. The problem is to get it privately we are looking at £150,000!

Prof Schmid as lovely as he is, said that he believes that PDL1 could be more harmful to me than my current treatment, although he did seem very negative about TACE. He just believes in chemo and all the other pharma type stuff. It’s to be expected really. I can keep in touch and there may be something that will come up for me in the end. But it was made clear that the current treatment I am on will one day stop working like all other treatments. He also said I can’t keep having radiotherapy so if the brain tumours grow I would be put on medication. BUT to stay on the positive side as things are currently working.

I may sound a bit down. This is due to a bit of tiredness and mixed feelings. Female hormones don’t help either. I’m feeling very hormonal. I actually cried when I came out of the theatre yesterday. I felt like a second class citizen. No one really cares. They treat me like a lump of meat. They don’t care about the outcome or my life or the impact it has. I felt all the effort all the people like me are going to, to extend their lives and to be the miracle they hope they can be, and no one really cares. Prof Vogl barely makes eye contact and doesn’t give much time. But that’s him. To be honest I feel that’s what most cancer doctors are like. They forget you in a flash, they want your money and what they say goes. The only one I think that does actually care about me currently is Professor Harris. He genuinely seems interested in me and my plans for future treatment. I still have trouble convincing people to help me with further treatment if it isn’t simply chemo and I really get the feeling that time is running out and treatment is limited. They don’t want to hurt my feelings but I can see it.

A saying came to mind whilst away and I emailed it to Dr Lim, ‘I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t’. I just don’t seem to get the luck. If I waited to progress and get worse then I could be in a very sickly state, near death maybe. So I proceed with getting better and then I am told I can’t have treatment because I am doing well. I am over the moon that I am doing well. But we just needed a bit of help and some time away from travelling abroad and costing us so much in finances and upheaval. Also making changes to treatment really keeps canSer on it’s toes. But I am grateful that I can go abroad. I thank my blessings every day that I can. I just wish it was better for Pete. He didn’t sign up for this. I do sometimes wish things could be different.

This blog isn’t currently full of Christmas cheer but it will be! It’s not like I am sleep deprived so I apologise… We had a lot of brilliant sleep. I will give that to Germany. Their beds and duvets are the best! 😀

It’s good to be home even if it is brief. We need to organise next month’s travel but right now I have a kitty on my lap purring whilst I type. I intend on getting festive watching old Christmas movies and just want to plan for 2015 which is going to be equally good if not better than the previous 4 years!

I am going to make some tasty vegetarian food, I am sure Pete could do with avoiding sausages and pork for a few days; he must have the meat sweats! Tomorrow is another day and if we get to see it then we are blessed.

Light and love. X

Just being happy….

The weekend was as expected; fun filled and full of laughter and maybe too much fun! Is that possible? It always is leading up to Christmas. So many people to see and try to spend time with before the big day.

As usual I pushed it to the limit and felt absolutely ‘cream crackered’ Saturday but Sunday we had a big lie in and did lots of things around the house; cooking a tasty Jamie Oliver meal and doing chores and watching all the reality TV shows… It’s mindless rubbish to some but I love watching how much it means to the participants. It seems that everyone’s emotions are so full to the brim and close to the surface. I thought it was only me that wanted to cry at everything! Apparently not!

Despite having a restful day yesterday with Pete neither him or I could sleep last night. I think I kept Pete awake to be honest, although I think he has so much on his mind. As much as we think things are going well for me the looming results of the scans are coming.

We think things must be pretty good for me at the moment as I am barely on any steroids and I do not have headaches, migraines or neck aches. Plus there is no cough, touching everything wood.

Our trip to Germany is also imminent. I am not being ungrateful and we will have fun in between having treatments but I really would rather stay at home. I know once I get there though the call of the Christmas markets will keep me entertained.

Pete tries so hard at making everything a lovely memorable occasion.

So back to last night and lying there awake. I wasn’t even thinking about the scan results, but actually dictating a blog/journal.

As mentioned many times before I am finding it hard with the nutritional side of things recently. There are so many do’s and don’ts. What is best to eat and drink and to avoid and so on. But as we know canSer is different for everyone. What if for me, right now, I just need to be happy. And to be happy I need to accept myself for whom I am. Throughout my life I have always battled with what is best and having to exercise every day and having to meditate daily makes me a better person. But what if right now I just need to listen to my heart? What if right now being me and eating whatever comforts me and nourishes me enriches every cell in my body and doesn’t actually feed canSer?
We know the importance of happiness and less stress on our bodies. We know that the mind cannot distinguish between reality and imagination. I am certain that stress and anxiety is a major factor of canSer in my life. I have noticed even the other day having the contrast injected into my arm for the scan how shaky I became. I am so sensitive now to stress and anxiety and I truly believe that is what fuels the canSer inside me. If that is the case then I need to ensure I do things that make me feel calm and happy.

If eating certain foods and drinking juices make me feel nauseas then I shouldn’t do it. I am not suggesting I am going to sit and eat a plate full of biscuits but hey, if that’s what I choose to do then that’s what I will do and not beat myself up about it. As it stands my body’s cries out for what it really wants and so I cooked a kale and spinach soup today. It’s hugely alkalising and tastes really good!

So this got me thinking last night that I have to continue just ‘being’. I have to accept this moment and to just ‘be’. Once one accepts this, life is so much more fun.

The only thing I do continue doing despite not really liking it, is taking the handful of medication and supplements every day. I still battle with swallowing them down and keeping them down, but I do have a way of disguising this challenge by eating with them, which I never did before. It will be interesting to see if my change of diet and decision to be happy really has had an effect on this disease that plaques me.

I am still hopeful that one day I will be in remission. I still have a dream of having a baby despite our ages.  With all the  news coming in presently about big developments with immunotherapy and PDL1 I truly believe that within 5 years treatment for triple negative will be more targeted more than for positive breast cancers. I just need to keep going. And it is a constant battle. I want to do this so much for Pete too. I really want him to have a good life and to know that all the effort, work, money and commitment to me that he has succeeded. He deserves success.

For now I am going to enjoy all the Christmassy things occurring around me and look forward to a bright future being canSer free. There is so much to live for; maybe I have more to live for than most… I’m a lucky girl. Til tomorrow when hopefully good news comes in.

For now I want to thank all my lovely clients that have supported me this year…Here’s looking forward to 2015!



Henna Crown fit for a Kitty princess……

It’s officially the festive season… Now its December we have got our Christmas tree up and the house is feeling fully festive! I am actually quite excited! I’ve had a few days at my mums and conquered the Christmas shopping and have now completed the wrapping of all the presents. What a mission. But it’s now completed. The cards have been written and posted…. Phew…

Health wise I have been plodding on doing all the rituals and taking a handful of pills and potions every single day. Things are getting easier in that area. I know it’s all a mental thing. It’s the thought of taking them that makes me want to be sick.

Dietary wise I am still eating what makes me happy. I figure that forcing myself to eat what is apparently best for me isn’t currently doing me any good. I am putting on weight which is a good sign.

Yesterday I had an MRI and CT scan. It’s been two months since I was diagnosed with brain mets and I haven’t had any headaches and I don’t have any chest symptoms such as that pesky cough. Even after having had the MRI and slept last night, I didn’t experience any headaches, which the MRI can cause. My head was throbbing quite a lot whilst having the scan but the lack of headaches has to be good news! I have been taking my concoction of drugs and supplements and my regime is quite extreme when I am at home. Pete did say to me my only job these days is to get better. Right oh! Results, I hope, are going to be given to me next Tuesday when I see Prof Harris in clinic.

I am still waiting for the results of my tumour which has been sent to St Barts and now to the U.S to see if my tumour expresses the protein blah blah blah… whatever it is, it still hasn’t arrived, HOWEVER, I did receive a message from the lovely lady at St Barts saying I may be able to get on the trial even if I am negative.. Hmmmm, interesting…. I still hope obviously that my tumour is positive. That would be a great outcome and the trial should be successful for me. I was asked to go to London and have ECG, bloods, and more scans done in preparation for me starting the trial.

Despite me having scans here in Oxford I still have to go there. I explained that I am pretty hectic the next few weeks and over Christmas so it has been agreed that I will go down and do all that in a few weeks then aim to start the trial in January. Let’s face it; I am yet to see what Prof Harris has to say. You never know, all the stuff I am currently doing could be working, plus I am due back in Germany for more treatment in a week or so with a little sneaky trip to the Christmas markets. Well you can’t expect a German bear to miss out on a bratwurst and gluhwein!

Today has been an exciting day. I went to Selfridges in London and met with Pavan, a henna artist. Actually she is the world record holder for being the fastest henna artist! She did a henna crown on my bald head… I was a bit nervous as it was being done at her henna bar in the middle of Selfridges and I wasn’t sure if I would like it or not. But seeing how confident Pavan was and how friendly she is, I totally trusted her. She said she would make it pretty and use glitter and gems.. I was totally sold. I love being glammed up and I really want to learn how to do henna crowns so that I can do them for other ladies in my position, hopefully at the Oxford Maggie’s Centre and at home here.

It didn’t take long at all and I also had a bindhi applied. I am thrilled with it and so were the spectators that had gathered round. On the train home an elderly lady asked if I was going to a photo shoot. When I said no she said that I looked amazing and should have a photo shoot! Bless her.

The henna crown lasts about 10 days and then fades off. I can’t wait to give it a go myself sometime. For more information on Pavan and her work please go to her website; http://www.pavanonline.com/

Here are some pictures :

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With Christmas coming there are so many people to see and many celebrations to be had. This weekend is crammed with fun with friends, starting on Friday. I can show my head off with pride.

Hoping everyone else is feeling the love, light and Christmas cheer…. XX

The Venetian Masquerade Ball was a huuuge success!

I’ve been a bit lazy these last few days. I’ve been meaning to write and give an update but the weekend was manic to a degree and as usual I needed to catch up on things.
The big highlight of the weekend and well I guess for the end of this year was the Venetian Masquerade Charity Ball that my friends suggested to raise money for our favourite charities; Breakthrough Breast Cancer and The Cancer Vaccine Institute.

Pete and I had quite a lot of input and helped out quite a bit by obtaining auction prizes and selling tickets and so on, so we felt quite nervous and hoped it would raise lots of money. Of course as a typical women, the other big thing was what to wear… Argh! For me I hoped that I would have hair but of course that wasn’t to be so my thoughts were, do I go bald or wear a wig or…?

The ball was being held at Caswell House, and the food and drinks and everything supplied from lighting, to the fun photo booth, to the dj, band, photographer and table centre pieces and everything were donated or provided at cost! My friends even paid for an additional photographer for me as a surprise! (Thank you ladies!)
As yet I haven’t seen any official photos but there are lots of snaps from friends…

1 2 3

We arrived to a wonderful champagne reception with everyone fully glammed up and wearing masks.. I arrived in a red dress, red shoes, red and gold feathery mask and… A red sparkly bob wig! It was funny because some people didn’t recognise me! For me it was a big thing.. I didn’t want to look silly but thought it was a great opportunity to really be a bit extreme…

I have to say everyone excelled themselves. Every single man and woman looked awesome, so dapper and beautiful.

I simply cannot believe how quickly the night went. We arrived at 7.30pm and left at 1am! I wasn’t ready to leave! The food was simply divine, the auctioneer/MC was so funny and handled the night brilliantly.

A highlight of the night was how much the auction prizes went for! I cannot believe the generosity of everyone and it was so exciting!

The stand out moment was Pete’s speech..Everyone was left teary eyed and it really focused our minds as to why we were there. I couldn’t look at him for fear of really blubbing and ruining my make up! I think his message got home though. His main point was how much love there was in the room… The circle of love. I really believe that everyone felt it.

On the night I was being updated as to how much we were making.. I couldn’t believe that £2000 was made on raffle tickets alone! My numbers were called out.. I won a lovely Christmas wreath.. It’s on my front door now.


Yesterday I got an email from Kate at Caswell House to say after all costs that the total raised was £20,560.00! Oh my goodness!!!!!! This is an outstanding amount to have raised..

I want to thank everyone who came, who donated, who supplied and contributed in every way. I know the money doesn’t directly help me but I hope that it helps so many ladies and their families and I hope that they will never be in my shoes… Bring on a cure.. Please.

The following morning we headed over to Witney to see our friends and my mum for breakfast then I think we all started to feel very jaded. Pete and I and our lovely friends Alex and Lee spent the afternoon watching rugby and eating! We chilled and laughed and generally felt very grateful. Sunday was very much the same for us when our friends went home. It may seem like we spend a lot of time doing very little but that’s exactly what we need sometimes… It’s so nice to wind down and be wrapped up in a soft blanket and have my feet rubbed by my Bear… I love him so much.

This week has been going well. I have nothing much booked in so it’s brilliant. I have been getting admin done, doing my daily rituals and really trying to get on a roll.
I’ve been exercising, doing yoga and eating very well. I still look very pale and have very puffy eyes. Nothing a bit of make up won’t cure or a holiday….. He he… Which we have booked!

In true Pete fashion, he said that we have to keep living like we normally do. So despite having to travel abroad and go to hospital we should still book our trips away like we always do. We didn’t want to hang around over the new year holiday period so have booked to go to warmer climes and get some vitamin d and bliss out. I was a bit
nervous booking a holiday but now I have done it I’m really excited! Whoop!

I have had confirmation from St Barts that they finally received my tumour sample and they have sent it to be tested. Hopefully this Friday or next Monday I should know if I’m eligible for the trial… Watch this space.
I have also had confirmation from the Churchill hospital in Oxford that I have an MRI and CT scan booked for next week, so the results should be with Prof Harris the following week when I see him. So that’s good, I will at least know in detail what is going on and if the radiotherapy has worked. I have everything crossed. I have to say I feel better in myself. Still no cough, no headaches and now no shaking. That’s got to be good news?!

I am definitely getting in the Christmas spirit. I have been doing all my shopping online…Sorry Mr Postman! This weekend I am going to drag Pete to buy a Christmas tree and then we can have our ritual of singing Christmas carols around the advent candle…. Bring on the mulled wine and sparkly lights! I have started writing our Christmas cards and I have drawn some Christmassy pictures… He he… All in all this is a lovely week.

Bear and I are getting lots of sleep, eating really well and generally looking forward and loving to the max! We are spreading the love and feeling the love from all our friends and supporters… #circleoflove

Tomorrow I am being picked up by my sister, then spending a few days with my mum! We are going to finish the Christmas shopping and I get to be spoiled down in lovely Dorset by my mum….
Fun packed, love filled and generally looking forward to what’s coming next…

A massive light and love… XX

I would like to officially thank the following for their contributions and donations to making the charity ball a massive success;

My good friend Samantha, one of the Kitty’s Climbers, who thought this idea up and grafted over the last 6 months,
To Kate and Steph at Caswell House for all your hard work and making it happen so smoothly.
To Amanda and Richard for letting us host the ball at your stunning venue.. Caswell House is gorgeous and I can’t wait to be there again sometime!
To Jason and Nick from the Es Vive Hotel and Chic Villas in Ibiza for your generous auction prizes.
To Ivan and Harvey Nichols London for donating a wonderful cocktail masterclass
To the anonymous person who donated a signed arsenal shirt
To Nilam Patel for donating a spa day at her Dermaspa
To Marianna and Francesca at Soru Jewellery for donating the stunning rose quartz necklace
To Sarah Pooler and Ocean Beach Club Ibiza for donating a day/bed with cocktails

To all those who donated prizes they are featured on the ball programme attached…

Thank you to you all! You’re all amazing!


Invigorated, refreshed and excited!

Ah…. as I sit here and sigh and think back on the past eight days. It feels so odd having not written anything for that whole time when I could have given such great detail every single day of how I felt and what I had been doing but then that would just be gloating! Ha ha!

Looking back over the last week I have really had an awesome time with my husband and step son and really couldn’t have asked for more. But at the time whilst living it I was having all sorts of emotions. I think Christmas can do that to you.

When we left last week I felt rushed and a bit stressed. I am always nervous of leaving for many reasons. You would think I get used to it with all the travelling I do but still I felt fretful.

Things couldn’t have gone more smoothly with checking in our luggage the night before and flights all leaving on time. A few minor hiccups at our destination airport but nothing to spoil our mood. The weather was what I consider perfect for a winter holiday. Bright sunshine in a crisp cold atmosphere. We were staying in high altitude resort that had plenty of snow so our wishes to God and the Universe had been answered. Visibility was clear and our moods were great. I love to ski ever since Pete taught me. I know he is a man of many talents eh? Josh was fearless and kept up with us both very well. In fact a few times he took it upon himself to show us what he really was made of when he flew past on a scary black run with everything rattling and look of excitement and fear all over it! We lasted the week almost injury free. I remarkably had nothing to complain about and Pete had a few lumps and bumps that he accrued on the very last day. (That’ll teach him for being adventurous!)

Then when our wish for fresh snow was made we had the biggest snowfall of about a meter over night. Conditions were a bit tastier but I didn’t mind for the views that came with the weather. I have huge respect for the mountains. I am nervous of the changes that can happen so quickly and I will never take advantage of its good nature. Skiing became more challenging but this is good for us and taught us to dig deep and embrace the snow! It was like being a kid hurling ourselves around in it.

As usual I miss home terribly when I am away and I think because it was Christmas whilst we were away I felt a bit un- Christmassy. Our hotel owners did their best to engage us in their celebrations with carol singing and the nativity play followed by a five course gala meal on Christmas Eve. At least this year’s Christmas was memorable. I will never forget the awesome views and feeling I had on Christmas day whilst we three sat legs swinging from a chair lift high above Obertauern in Austria.


I did miss my mum on Christmas day. I guess once a kid always a kid and I always want mum to share in my happiness but it was nice to know she was spending it with my sister.

I’m filled with such overwhelming joy as sit remembering the utterly amazing views and feeling of being so alive as I skied harder than I ever have before. We skied approximately 30 kilometres per day and had plenty of stops for a tea and gluhwein as well as eating the hearty Austrian food. I have no regrets just complete happiness.

I did however have my moments whilst away. I cannot explain why they happen. My head became clouded one night. Firstly I just want to add that we were so exhausted every night that we were tucked up in bed by 9pm and didn’t get up until about 7.30am most mornings! That’s an epic time in bed to have. Our bodies clearly needed to replenish.

But this long night’s sleep was interrupted more than once from my thoughts. One night in particular I became hugely afraid and very upset. I was scared of not being with Pete. I know I shouldn’t have but I woke Pete and inadvertently worried him too. He said he already knew I was feeling uneasy. I guess that’s how close we are that he can feel the shift in my emotions. I felt quite emotional for a few days after. Before I went away I was informed of a potential new treatment that could be a game changer and for one other TNBC survivor who is in a similar position to me now only has scar tissue on her lungs. Knowing this I felt confident that 2014 is going to be an epic year. But then I started getting emails from the company regarding the treatment and that started worrying me and made me think maybe this isn’t the answer to my prayers. One word of advice to anyone before they go away… Don’t start making any huge life decisions. Leave it until you have the time to find the answers and communicate when businesses aren’t closed for the Christmas break!

Anyway, I got over myself and remembered that I was the luckiest girl alive and that living rather than dwelling is all that is important. I do not feel ill. I, as far as I am concerned will not be ill and can continue as normal as possible for as long as possible.

Now that I am home I am grateful for my life even more so than ever. Pete and I agreed that we are different to many. Most people hate coming home from holidays as they don’t want them to end. I LOVE coming home. I love my life. I love doing my rituals of exercise, meditation, heat and air and everything that makes me feel good about myself. I love my home and my kitty, which incidentally is too cute for words. I put that down to my friend Sarah who lovingly looks after her every single time I away. Now that’s commitment! I am sure if Kitty wasn’t so feline she would tell Sarah how thankful she is… to be fed! Ha ha! I can’t wait to get back to my life here and over the next week or so, in between Pete going to work we will visit friends and family and finish the year and start the new one with a huge outlook of love and happiness. Much the same of this year really, only better than before!

I feel refreshed, invigorated, excited, and ready for Christmas presents! We have waited until our return to open them.. Today we are having a mock Christmas Day with a lovely dinner and an afternoon or watching Christmas TV. A perfect Sunday afternoon back at home with my Bear and Kitty. Happy Sunday everyone!


I love Bears everywhere! Here’s one I couldn’t resist saying Hello to Bibo Bear.

Light and Love.


Claire XX

The build up to the Christmas Holidays… many things that the new year brings.

Phew, what a busy couple of days and it’s not over yet. I have an afternoon of clients before we get ourselves ready for the Christmas break. I’m feeling a lot better now but to protect my clients I have been wearing a mask to prevent them from getting my germs.

Christmas is a great way to finish of the year and it’s time to reflect on all things in the past twelve months. It is a time for celebration and I am thankful for having it. I forget all my worries about health and live like there is nothing wrong.

I have been in a present wrapping frenzy this morning and then I heard a thud from the letter box. I have received an early Christmas gift, a book from Mark Newey, whom I visited earlier this year for some ‘therapy’ shall we say. He helped me rid negative thoughts and did some hypnotherapy on me. He has written a book called The Naked ‘I’ Authenticity, be you, be happy. I was touched that he sent me a copy and I look forward to getting tucked into it once I have finished my current book. If in the mean time you would like to check it out please click here;



I have today received an email from a good friend who has a friend who is also TNBC survivor stage four (who has another friend!) who has been having a treatment in Switzerland. I am yet to get all the details but what I have heard so far sounds very promising. I know it sounds like I will be touring all of Europe at this rate but there is a bonus that I don’t have to go there all the time for treatment. Once I have more details and can explain it I will of course be sharing it on here. It excites me as it gives me more hope of a long healthy life and also the new year already had a lot to look forward to but now it has even more so!

Pete, I and his son Josh will be off for some winter fun soon and I hope to continue blogging over the next week but in case I am having too much fun to journal or if the wifi isn’t great then I would like to wish everyone a wonderful Christmas filled with love, light and sparkles. X

Ho Ho Ho!

Feeling Christmassy…… Happy first advent for yesterday X

We made a flying visit to Duderstadt this time and high tailed it to Cologne. We stayed there about a year ago but this time it was better because of the Christmas markets! No one does Christmas like the Germans and in Cologne there were about seven markets full of Christmas cheer and so many smells and foods and drinks and gifts and musicians playing. We have had two days of lapping up happiness and it feels so good to really let our worries go just for now.

That’s what life is all about…But… You know me I love going home.

We made an epic journey yesterday all the way to the UK and once home got stuck into getting Christmassy here. Pete went hunting and gathering for our tree and although it is not decorated yet it feels so special here already. We dug out candles and sang some Christmas carols for the first advent.

Now I’m settled it’s back to work for a few days before we fly back to Germany next week for the actual vaccinations.I have so much to be thankful for and it’s lovely how Pete and I miss each other today already. (Is this making other people sick?! Ha-ha!)

It’s funny you never know what’s round the corner… I leaped and bounded this morning and then fell of my rebounder spraining my ankle! Doh.. I have RICE’d it and it seems fine. I will not let this stop me. I have to exercise its good for my health even if it’s dangerous!

Sawasdee Ka from Bangkok

The last couple of days have been a blur. Boxing day was as good as Christmas day and every day got all the more exciting as the numbers on my Facebook page increased. Thursday was a day of organising as we packed to go to Thailand. It’s a long overdue holiday seeing as we booked it for October 2011. However the floods in Bangkok meant we couldn’t get there. I booked this holiday back in June when I thought by the end of the year I will be well shot of canSer and all the treatments, I will be feeling good I thought. How bizarre life is! It is in fact the perfect time to go away still. More determined than ever this trip couldn’t have come at a better time. I have no idea what is going to happen in the new year and what a perfect way to end this one and see in 2013.

I have to admit that I still think that 2012 has been one of the worst yet most wonderful years of my life. Ours lives- both bear and I. I won’t go into that now as I feel I will save that chat for the last day of the year so that I can reflect on it all.


We have left mum house sitting well actually kitty sitting. So I feel really happy knowing everything is good at home. We also know Ray is safe in hospital and is not going to be discharged whilst we away. Again another relief and load off for us especially Pete. He does worry. He has the world on his shoulders. I’m not sure if that will ever change. Even if/ when I’m cured of canSer I will still be his first and last concern. Bless him.


I have to admit I have been praying a lot more recently and its hard to know if it’s working especially as I like things very black and white. Of course the results I longed for didn’t happen and I did pray, plead, and beg for them to be amazing! But these things have a way of sorting themselves out. Most times what we think we want isn’t really what we need to happen to make things ok. We just think we know what we want. For me I want to be canSer free. 100% totally canSer free. For me nothing but that is acceptable! But I have had a few people say but surely if it stops growing and never grows again then that’s a result! I know they are right but I really think that life would be better for me, knowing its cured. But will it? Will the worry ever fully go whatever the outcome?


Off to the airport and everything was going swimmingly. I prayed (bizarrely enough) that the flight wouldn’t be delayed, that we’d be seated nicely near nice people (or not near anyone!) the flight time was scheduled to be 11 hours 25minutes. We slept for more than half of the journey (never heard of!), the people who were seated next to us moved to some other seats so we didn’t have any neighbours and the flight arrived in Bangkok an hour early!! Going by those signs I’d say praying may be working!


Another example of my praying-I was driving home from Stan the reiki man in Essex a few weeks ago and I prayed that I would be safe, no accidents, breaking down etc. I was being very careful in the horrendous weather leaving ample space and a white van hopped infront of me. No matter, I slowed and left a big gap. All of a sudden the white van man slammed on his brakes to a stand still- I did too but knew I was only just going to make it without crashing- knowing this I was screaming to myself in my car thinking I was going to be hit by the car behind me. Luckily I wasn’t but heard an almighty crash- the car behind me was hit. Now that’s a close call and one I was thanking him upstairs for all the way home!


So I was getting excited about the holiday but quite frankly it was nowhere near as exciting as the influx of followers and support from everyone on that day! We slammed it! I wished for a 1000 followers on Facebook by the end of New Years Eve. Having started this campaign Friday before Christmas by seven days later it was smashed. I truly and honestly cannot express the feelings knowing I have so many people willing me and thinking about me!! The biggest thank you to everyone from the bottom of my heart. And it goes on- the Facebook page insights says that my page reached more than 15000 people! That is incredible. Of course I don’t want it to stop there. Now I will be working on ways of spreading the word, spreading the love and gaining info so that hopefully we can save lives. And it won’t be me doing it- it will be each and every person who has supported me who will be responsible. Its team work! I couldn’t do it without everyone’s love and support. So I’m going to be getting my thinking cap on and will be letting everyone know soon my thoughts.


So we are now in Bangkok and after having watched the movie, Hangover 2 (and not just for Bradley Cooper!) before we arrived, we are living and breathing the whole experience. So far we have done lots of eating thai food (mmm), far too much walking and loads of sightseeing and spreading the light n’ love with the Buddhist monks at temples.


Yesterday was my last day of chemo tablets until my next cycle in about two weeks. Phew and double phew for not having side effects yet…. 🙂


Sadly last night I simply couldn’t sleep but not with worry bout all the nasty stuff but in excitement for what can be done for Triple Negative.. I know can you believe it? I simply cannot switch off. However some stinking great ideas were popping up. I’ll let you into my head another time but for now I’ll say,  ‘La korn’. Im off for dinner on the top of a 61 floor building. A different kind of al fresco dining. Tonight was not the night to experiment with my hair! 🙂


Christmas jumpers, snowballs and turkey..

Christmas Day!!!! What a wonderful day it has been. So full of love and pressies! We visited ray this morning at the hospital and took him a few gifts and mince pies. He seemed happy to see us all (despite moaning a bit about the nursing staff!) The day has really been so amazing. I am very happy and it’s actually been the little things that have pleased me the most. I have received many hearts, candles and buddhas as gifts.

Today I decided to eat turkey! Yep, I came away from the vegan diet as I simply couldn’t resist. It was well worth it! Pete’s cooking is the best.

We watched tv and heard lots of carols and hymns and one of them being ‘In the bleak mid winter’. My mum promptly cried as we remembered me singing solo in a primary school nativity play. I was the little poor girl. Not sure how that goes with the birth of Jesus, yet I was there in my raggedy dress singing all on my own. Never again would I do that. I absolutely hate public speaking or anything that puts me on stage in the limelight. Maybe it was that what caused me to have such a fear! Anyway, it was good remembering and singing along yesterday.

The Queens speech was good and we really have had a momumentus year in so many ways as a nation. I  have never felt so proud to be British. It’s so weird how this year has been so successful yet has been the biggest year for change in my whole life. The best and possibly the worst year, depending on how you look at it. I always think of myself as the Phoenix. Never arising as the same bird. I have changed from the old person I used to be to this newer (improved) version. Well that’s what I like to think. 🙂

Good ol Christmas tv had us watching some dodgy programmes as well as Call the Midwife, classic drama. We were all surprised to enjoy and I really didn’t expect it to hit such a nerve with me. Maybe I had one too many fizzy drinks but for one moment I felt incredibly sad that I won’t be able to have my own little bundle of love, at that if I listened to the doctors, I am technically on my last few years of life. That passed pretty quickly as I thought, ‘rubbish’ and shook it off. Still life is so uncertain and even though noone knows what is going to happen from day to day at least you can plan as if you will still be here. I can’t go getting pregnant. It wouldn’t be right (even if I could fall pregnant- which is highly unlikely.) With that in mind, my heart goes out to the mother and two children in the M6 car crash this morning. So sad.

I’m not sure if it’s the Naltrexone I have been taking but I really haven’t been worrying about the canSer quite so much recently. I can’t put my finger on it. I just don’t feel like that at the moment. May this feeling stay with me.

Anyway let’s leave those sober thoughts behind and be merry and have fun. We are all wearing our Christmas jumpers and I’m off for another snowball! Hic!


My Christmas Wish is to have 1000 followers on Facebook…. 417 so far! Wow!!

Today started off as any normal day for me. The usual meditation, yoga, exercise, juicing, heat and air but my mind was buzzing and I was so excited! Excited at the thought of really getting more followers and readers of my blog and website. I contacted Nilam patel who is the co founder of HD brows. I am a qualified HD brows stylist and have known Nilam since she taught me over a year and half ago now. We have stayed in contact and I text from time to time. This morning I dropped her a line to see how she is and also to ask for her help. Then I got a call from Lara, who works in Marketing for the whole company, asked by Nilam, and we started chatting. Lara is a canSer survivor and has had canSer within the family too so this is something that is still very close to her heart. Her canSer has gone into remission, which I am thrilled for her. They have offered to help raise awareness in many ways but firstly by increasing the followers on facebook.

It is my Christmas wish to have a 1000 followers by New Years Eve. I started this morning at around 130.. so far it is already 417!! I watched the numbers raise so quickly this morning. Everyone I know and know of have been promoting it as well HD brows. I hope I reach it! I have been so excited all day!!

As mentioned yesterday, starting a charity may be a tall order initially so I have decided to help the Cancer Vaccine Institute. I called Prof Dalgliesh this morning but as I would expect he was with patients. I have emailed too and hope to hear back from him. I would think he will be very keen.

Going back to HD brows they have overwhelmed me by their support. They are thinking about helping raise funds by possibly donating a percentage of sales of some of their retail products or even doing a ‘Browathon’! I love that.. They have also featured me in their newsletter that goes out by email. I will post it on here when I get it.

The 3rd March 2013 is Triple Negative Day so I will be getting my thinking cap on and working towards that date to raise awareness and funds to good causes and people. I may see if we can raise funds to send people to Germany to have treatment too. With the help of friends I think this could be great! I’m so chuffed, I’m like a child. That added to Christmas.. Arghhh!! Love it!

My friend Lisa has lots of ideas and is going to contact photographers, pr people and all sorts. She asked if I minded being an ambassador for Triple Negative.. NO! (As long as I don’t have to speak in public. Pete will have to do that I’m a scaredy cat. :))

Other than that I have been getting ready for my holiday next week. I have been told not to pack much as we can buy plenty in Thailand… I am failing that. Ha ha!

Can’t wait for the Bear to come home tonight. Last day at work for him so hopefully he will be happy (stressed but happy)

I’ve been reading my new followers posts and I really am so touched by everyones support. Thank you!! Please go to the Visitors tab, then click on the View Guestbook link and add a little message. Let me know what you think of the blog and website. I love getting feedback.

Lots of love today.. I even found a heart in the bottom of my mug of reishi muhsroom drink.. Love everywhere.. I feel it in my fingersss. I feel it in my toeessss. Ha ha!

Sigh.. ……(That’s a happy sigh)