Worrying about what may or may not happen….

The last few days at home have been great. Back to work and the usual routine as well as working too.

But throughout it all I still have the dreaded scan results lurking in the background. I always get like this before hand. It looms and lingers like a bad smell. I am so confident leading up to this point and then all the self doubt comes in. I am now worrying that I could have been better with my diet and drinking habits. I have been a little more relaxed recently, what with seeing friends and being in social situations I have been having more sweets and breads than I normally would along with drinking alcohol. I actually would say that I have been a bit lazy with my diet. In the back of my mind I keep thinking the 80/20 rule but I know that sugars should be avoided at all costs and alcohol has to be limited.  Damn you alcohol! I love drinking. I love socialising and the two for me go together.

I went on the Drinkaware website (www.drinkaware.co.uk)last night and thought I would start recording how much I have to drink. This week wasn’t the best one to start on as I have spent the last few days in Rome. When I am away I always have ‘fun’ and that for me includes a drink. So not only does it tell you if you have had more than the daily allowance but it also tells you the calories. It is a very useful site. I think I am going to keep charting my intake as it really does make you aware. I think I will consider more how often I drink. That makes this evening a little harder as I am meeting friends in a bar then going for dinner tonight.

I hate the fact that alcohol exists sometimes. I’m not sure if I drink too much realistically as I drink some weeks and not others. On the whole I am not to drink during the school nights. The whole thing about canSer and alcohol really bothers me. I have said it before and I will continue to say it until I get definite answers from professional. They say that it is fine to drink with triple negative but then on the other side of the coin they say every now and then etc… I look at all my friends and none of them are concerned about how much they drink. Some drink more some drink less but on the whole I reckon we are about the same.  Well from now on I think charting my drinking habits will really make me more conscious of my habits. I want to eat and drink better. I want to live, not die. That’s all there is for it.

For the first time this morning I got worried about dying again. I know it’s because the reality is that on Tuesday everything could change again. My life could be turned upside down. I have been feeling really great and really happy but who knows what it is going on inside me? I won’t settle for less. I want the cure; I want to live canSer free. And if I can’t be canSer free then I want to live a healthy symptom free life. This is possible… Sometimes it’s so overwhelming constantly having to be ‘good’. I want to be ‘good’ so in a way it keeps me on the straight and narrow. I don’t want to be where I was a year ago. I was in the depths of despair and really didn’t understand life. I want to keep on striving and being happy. But today for some reason desire having reflexology to look forward to this afternoon I feel a little bit lost. I bet I am tired. It’s always tiredness. I have exercised this morning. I find that I can sometimes get a slump about now. I simply find it hard to believe that I am tired. I don’t go to work like Pete does. He work such long hours then goes and looks after ray and then comes home all bouncy and loving. He will then do the mowing and any other little Bear jobs and continues with this every day! He is tired. He has every right to be but me. I don’t do much other house jobs and a bit of therapy and of course my morning rituals. I wonder sometimes if I am better when I have a lot to do. Having time on my hands can sometimes make me lost. Well enough of that… time to wake up and get with the program.

I think I need to focus on something new. I think meditation needs working on and that can help with healing. I am going to read my book then perhaps find some more techniques and further explore mediation. Yes. That’s it.

 

I have decided no matter what my results are I am going to start taking clients properly in advance. I contacted all my clients and have told them that I am ready. I have since had many emails and phone calls and May and June are booking up nicely. J

Right time to snap out of my dwelling on what may or may not happen. We all know it’s a waste of energy and time. The only time to focus on is now and that’s what really matters. Do the best you can do at the time given to you. I most certainly will… off to do chores and then relax for an hour!

Back from my reflexology… and oh how relaxing! I fell asleep. Claire, my therapist, said that my feet showed that I am tired (this was before I fell asleep! Ha ha!) She did a lot of lymphatic drainage and says she still can’t feel anything in my lung area. If there is anything there then it is very small.

I feel much better and more human now. Ahhhhhhh…….