Another good woman….

This weekend has been a little unexpected. Saturday morning we got up yet again at 
the crack of dawn to get on our way to a conference in Exeter. Ordinarily I wouldn't book to 
go to canSer conferences but this event had Prof Vogl doing a presentation and seeing 
as I very nearly went to see him and his treatment TACE is still an option for the future 
we thought it would be a great opportunity to get the nitty gritty and meet the man 
himself. The cost of the conference for one day was a hefty £62.50 each. I didn't want to 
see any other presentations. 

We arrived early being diligent as usual and we mooched around the scant stalls 
that were there selling supplements, juices and more. To be honest I thought there 
would be a lot more there.

Actually to point out when I booked the event it was being held in Bristol but at the last 
minute it was changed to Exeter apparently because someone made a complaint about 
it in Bristol. Something to do with not approving of complementary therapies for canSer? 
This was clearly annoying because I am not sure I would have booked in the first place 
had it been in Exeter. Anyway, I went to a volunteer and asked when can we be seated to 
see Prof Vogl's presentation to be told he wasn't there! What? His son had been ill and 
he couldn't attend. I asked how long they knew that he wasn't coming? A few days! What? 
And they didn't tell anyone? No, they had a video presentation to show instead.
Not good enough. Both our hearts sank and we felt gutted to be honest. The fact we 
could have been doing something else, the wasted time and money. The volunteer said 
there are lots of other good presenters today.. Like who? She didn't know... 

We asked to speak to the event organiser. Pete's mind was whirring and I could tell 
something was really wrong. He wanted to leave and let me speak to the organiser 
as he felt he might lose his temper but I made him hang on. He was so very calm 
with Kat, the organiser. She was hugely apologetic and we didn't blame Prof Vogl or her
for him not being there but they should have informed us. Pete calmly explained that 
for people with canSer time is of the utmost importance and having huge disappointments 
and let downs are no good for stress levels. He said that is time we will never get back. 
He got his point across amazingly. Then he left to go to back to the car. 
Kat said we could have a refund and said she would get us the video presentation. 
I have emailed her today but no reply as yet.
I felt guilty as it was me that convinced Peter we should go. He was lovely but we both 
felt let down. You can never tell what is going to happen, can you?
(We also missed England play New Zealand at rugby.. That too was annoying)
Still Saturday afternoon turned out to be a corker of a day and we pottered in the garden
 getting more jobs done and soaking up the sun.
We woke Sunday wrapped up in each others cuddles and I had a plan to make the 
most of the weather and do a job that had been on my list for almost a year.. Creosote 
the cabin. Bounding to get my work clothes on, Pete stood in front of me and said 
I should cuddle him.... Why? 
Now I don't usually ask why, as I love cuddles, but I could tell something was wrong.
He had just looked at his phone and read a message that had been sent to him at about
6am from my friends husband. It said , 'Leanne left us this morning.'
Uh... I feel sick even thinking about it. I hadn't heard from Leanne since 
she was admitted to hospital a week ago, she had been messaging Pete as she didn't 
want to worry me telling him that the chemo had done its worst and stripped her body 
to the point of no longer being able to have any more. They had also found she had 
pneumonia in her other lung. As always we sent messages of positivity to get well and look
after herself and right throughout my holiday I was worried about her, sending her messages 
hoping she was reading them and hoping even more she would reply. I feared the worst and 
sent her hubby a message on Wednesday. He said they were taking her home on Friday. 
We are so saddened. Sunday was a blur. I got dressed and proceeded to carry on with the painting. 
Both of us worked in silence and every now and then we would say something that we were 
thinking about her. I honestly feel a hole. Leanne was younger than me. She didn't want to die 
and really believed she could fight it. 

We can't comprehend how hard it must be for her family and husband. We only knew her briefly 
and we feel a huge loss. She was my canSer buddy. We'd message every day on text, Facebook
or email. We'd chat on the phone and sound it out. Meeting her in London recently was just like 
we had known each other for years and her hubby said we were like sisters. We had plans 
for the future. I thought we were both going to conquer this disease and prognosis together.
I really believed if anyone could do it, Leanne could. Our stories are so similar.... Until now. 

I can't help but be honest and tell you that I start thinking 'Oh god... How long till it's me?'
I've noticed from the past few deaths as to how quick it all happens. Within a few days it's over. 
Only a week before planning on future treatment to literally dying. I don't want to die reluctantly. 
Does that makes sense? I don't want to be afraid and I don't want to fight dying. 
I want to be a peace with it. I hope Leanne felt peace. I already miss her....
I meditated this morning and Leanne was there. I feel she is one of my angels.
I don't have any intention of giving up and I will not be reading about other canSer 
survivors saddening stories any more. (I just read one this morning not by looking for it, 
it just came up on my feed, and that scared me enough not to read any more.) 
I can live my life as I am. I believe I am doing the right thing and I will battle on until it's 
my time.. But I still believe I will be a miracle...