It’s not all about ‘me’ you know…..

After Friday with positive, even if a little crazy, feedback and then a great night with friends and family bopping to the Beatles, I was very much looking forward to mooching and getting things done and organised but mainly being with my Bear. We headed down to our boat to get it ready for winter and to get it all sorted as we are now going to sell it. Much to Pete’s sadness it has been decided that the money will be needed to pay for treatment for me, as who knows where we may need to go to next (if at all- ever the optimist).

What I had hoped to be a relaxing, calm time actually turned into a totally stressed out weekend. It’s funny because all the attention and concern is mainly focussed onto me, although people do ask and empathise with my nearest and dearest as they are going through such a terrible time also. The fear is still as vibrant and the worry of what may come is so obvious to them too.

Anyone that knows my Bear knows he is a rock; he is man that loves to care for others and is the best host ever! He is clever, thoughtful and amazes me on a daily basis with his knowledge, courage and strength (oh and he makes a mean cocktail too). What surprised me this weekend was that although we are having a lot of fun, positivity and hope, he became really grumpy and what our friend Adam (Pete’s work wife!) would call ‘passionate’ at everything and nothing. And when it all came to a head it turns out that he is really upset and although he doesn’t show it very often, for some reason this weekend he was ‘full’ and it overflowed.

It’s so hard for anyone who is related in any way, shape or form to a canSer survivor out there, but the biggest thing that any canSer survivor can learn from this situation is how much it affects those around you. I know it affects everyone because I see the support that comes to me in abundance.

I had an emtional call from a friend of ours who is travelling in the Far East at the moment and whilst she was lying on a mattress under a mosquito net in the darkness she just felt she wanted to call us..(that got me going.. again…) Every day my loved ones are trying to be strong and put on a brave face but sometimes they just feel tired, emotional and like their world is ending. CanSer affects so many people and I can’t decide if it would be worse to actually be the one to stand by and see your best friend and wife be ill, afraid and maybe die or actually be the survivor. (They are gonna have to take me kicking and screaming I can tell ya!)

I have started to feel selfish and that it’s all about ‘me’. Once upon a time I might have liked all the attention but what I am learning every day is how this is affecting everyone I know and actually my loved ones need the attention. It pains me to see my Bear so upset (Sssshhh! It’s our secret. He won’t want anyone knowing) But it passes. We snuffle, pick ourselves up and get on with life.

Sometimes it’s good to have moments of weakness. I just need to understand that he is not mad at me. He’s just feeling the pressure and the overwhelming sadness and fear. Blimey he wouldn’t be human otherwise.. come to think of it I have often wondered where this Super Bear has come from!

I now have a mental image of a big furry bear in a cape with underpants and an eyemask! smiley-foot-in-mouth.gif

The weekend ended wonderfully.. open fire, tasty food in Big Bear Snuffledom.

I got ‘pinned’ in the heart……

As part of my meditation at the beginning, I downloaded an app for my phone which was a 21 day Deepak Chopra guided meditation. Since then I have subscribed to their newsletter. This morning I received a link to the Healing Wisdom section which was focussing on ‘mind and body approaches to preventing breast cancer.’ I was so thrilled to read that everything they mentioned with regards to diet, external factors such as stress, toxins and more were totally reflected in our ‘ten point plan’. It was brilliant to read the information on the physical, emotional and spiritual levels. I particularly liked this:
When we connect to our innate wholeness through spiritual practices, it allows us to access our inner healing abilities. We strengthen our defenses against abnormal cells and activate the pathways that give us health and vitality. By understanding breast cancer from a mind-body-spirit perspective, we begin to see it as a phenomenon of the mindbody. We can then start to make choices that are most healthy for our physical and emotional layers while accessing our deepest source of health and natural balance through spiritual practices.

Here is the link to the whole page. It’s really worth a read; http://www.chopra.com/files/newsletter/Oct12/Oct12-HealingWisdom.html#

I had an acupuncture session today. The first time in about a month. The points that were ‘pinned’ felt really good. What I mean is that, it was between pain and pleasure. It didn’t hurt but it definitely felt like a dull ache, some more than others. Michael explained that he had worked some heart points which were the most sensitive to me. In acupuncture working the heart channels works on steadying and balancing my emotions. Well that explains why they were so sensitive then! And also he worked on my kidney points. This is where all life force and energy comes from. Again wanted to boost and balance that energy to make me stronger. Next time I go I will have a healing session afterwards with Lyn. Can’t wait.

I decided to have a big ol’ beetroot and carrot juice this afternoon. I have had my usual green juice for breakfast and plenty of nuts and lunch but now to get those superfoods inside me as an extra boost. Beetroot is classed as superfood because of betacyanin which is the pigment that gives red beets their color and is believed to be responsible for helping fight cancer. Well it looks good and tastes sweet and if its organic, fresh and unprocessed I believe you really cannot go wrong.

Im having a visit from my step son this afternoon with his friend, Amy. It’s always nice having visitors especially now that the days are getting colder I’m less likely to go outdoors. I sound like an old lady! Well you know what I mean! I like to stay warm and cosy.. 🙂

 

Packing tonight for a few days away to Northumberland. Never been there before…. I’m looking forward to it and the long drive there. In the old days I would have said it was like trucking and Pete and I would have insisted on having a Yorkie! But now I am guessing we will be eating almonds! ha ha! Ahhhh, funny. 🙂

 

I pray for it to work for me

At the hospital this morning for a CT scan of my abdomen followed by an MRI scan. Lovely having Peter there too. Back home to a lovely green smoothie full of zingy lime. The sun is shining today so between exercise, yoga and relaxation I sit with a glass of alkaline water reading my new book. We bought a filter jug that makes the water alkaline. It really tastes great. I have been testing my urine with ph strips to see the level of acidity and alkalinity. I am now almost perfect. A blood test kit arrived today too to test me for vitamin D (Google Vit D with TNBC). You wouldn’t think a prick in the end of the finger would hurt so much!

This evening our lovely friend Paul Doran Jones (England and Northampton Rugby player), came over for a very healthy dinner created by my Bear. It was so lovely to see him and have a big old cuddle.  I got a text just before bed from Christy, the lady who has had dendritic cell therapy. It was good news! Her tumour hasn’t grown in 8- 9 weeks since she had the treatment vaccine. She is over the moon. It gives so much hope. I’m buzzing and too excited to sleep. I pray for it to work for me. I truly believe that the change in lifestyle, thought patterns, nutrition as well as the treatment I’m hoping to have, will be a success.