After Friday with positive, even if a little crazy, feedback and then a great night with friends and family bopping to the Beatles, I was very much looking forward to mooching and getting things done and organised but mainly being with my Bear. We headed down to our boat to get it ready for winter and to get it all sorted as we are now going to sell it. Much to Pete’s sadness it has been decided that the money will be needed to pay for treatment for me, as who knows where we may need to go to next (if at all- ever the optimist).
What I had hoped to be a relaxing, calm time actually turned into a totally stressed out weekend. It’s funny because all the attention and concern is mainly focussed onto me, although people do ask and empathise with my nearest and dearest as they are going through such a terrible time also. The fear is still as vibrant and the worry of what may come is so obvious to them too.
Anyone that knows my Bear knows he is a rock; he is man that loves to care for others and is the best host ever! He is clever, thoughtful and amazes me on a daily basis with his knowledge, courage and strength (oh and he makes a mean cocktail too). What surprised me this weekend was that although we are having a lot of fun, positivity and hope, he became really grumpy and what our friend Adam (Pete’s work wife!) would call ‘passionate’ at everything and nothing. And when it all came to a head it turns out that he is really upset and although he doesn’t show it very often, for some reason this weekend he was ‘full’ and it overflowed.
It’s so hard for anyone who is related in any way, shape or form to a canSer survivor out there, but the biggest thing that any canSer survivor can learn from this situation is how much it affects those around you. I know it affects everyone because I see the support that comes to me in abundance.
I had an emtional call from a friend of ours who is travelling in the Far East at the moment and whilst she was lying on a mattress under a mosquito net in the darkness she just felt she wanted to call us..(that got me going.. again…) Every day my loved ones are trying to be strong and put on a brave face but sometimes they just feel tired, emotional and like their world is ending. CanSer affects so many people and I can’t decide if it would be worse to actually be the one to stand by and see your best friend and wife be ill, afraid and maybe die or actually be the survivor. (They are gonna have to take me kicking and screaming I can tell ya!)
I have started to feel selfish and that it’s all about ‘me’. Once upon a time I might have liked all the attention but what I am learning every day is how this is affecting everyone I know and actually my loved ones need the attention. It pains me to see my Bear so upset (Sssshhh! It’s our secret. He won’t want anyone knowing) But it passes. We snuffle, pick ourselves up and get on with life.
Sometimes it’s good to have moments of weakness. I just need to understand that he is not mad at me. He’s just feeling the pressure and the overwhelming sadness and fear. Blimey he wouldn’t be human otherwise.. come to think of it I have often wondered where this Super Bear has come from!
I now have a mental image of a big furry bear in a cape with underpants and an eyemask!
The weekend ended wonderfully.. open fire, tasty food in Big Bear Snuffledom.