I have just got back from the London Clinic where I had my fourth IMM101 vaccination. The other three vaccination sites have finally started to properly heal so the doctors were happy to proceed with the next one. They decided though that half the full dose would be enough. As always it immediately looked quite raised then it disappeared. A few hours on and it has spread to quite a yellow raised lump about three times the size. It’s different every single time I have one. It’s so intriguing.
Today is the hottest day of the year and it’s so humid. We Brits aren’t used to this kind of weather and if we were we would have air conditioning! I’m sat in the garden writing this on my iPad as my sweat profusely! Too much information?
I’ve had a lot on my mind today. Before I left to catch the train I watched a lecture from the course I am studying with the Integrative Institute of Nutrition. Unlike the sound of the course it is not simply just about nutrition and helping people just lose weight and feel better. The course describes nutrition into primary foods and secondary foods. Secondary food is the food we eat, the nutrients we ingest. Primary foods include healthy relationships, a fulfilling career, a spiritual practise amongst other things. These are all areas of our life we need to work on as well as the right foods to eat or the diet to have to heal ailments.
The lecture this morning was about mind body healing, that the route of most peoples illnesses or the fact they can’t lose weight is due to something deep down that they haven’t resolved and it usually something that happened in a very early age.
The lecturer, Paul Epstein, said that even things your parents suffered, like a trauma, could have transferred onto you and that is how dis-ease occurred inside of you.
This really made me think. CanSer has always been said, not to be simply a physical disease but one of the mind. I have done lot of soul searching and working on my emotional self the past two years and have used things like the Soul Forgiveness prayer, emotional freedom technique, hypnotherapy and more and I feel like I have come on leaps and bounds and feel better than I ever did about myself but this really resonated with me.
Paul Epstein said that his father was traumatised by his time fighting in World War 2. He would scream at night and as a young child Paul could hear his screams. Somehow this transferred onto Paul and he suffered with the same trauma later in life which caused his illness.
I have always wondered what caused canSer and I have always thought it was stress. I have always been a highly strung individual and there have been points in my life that I haven’t handled as well as I could and I have dealt with regrets and sadness. But what really started this whole path in me?
What Paul said made me think of alcoholism. Now I’m not one to point fingers but the only thing that makes me feel anxious and unsettled when I think of my childhood is my dad drinking and the not knowing what he would come home like. I’ve dealt with all these emotions but have I manifested this in my own actions throughout my life? I used to party hard and say it was escapism. From what? What was I running from? Life. I didn’t marry Pete until I was 33 years old. I had always been afraid of starting a family and knowing myself as I do now, realise that I have always tried to controlled my life. I have always wanted to know what is going to happen, taking away the excitement of what life may bring.
Maybe I did that because I didn’t want the surprise of the knock on the front door of life to be smacked really hard by someone I looked up to, who should have been greeting me with a smile followed by a hug. One simple memory that is still as clear in my mind as the day it happened.
Aren’t we as individuals silly? How have things that have happened in the past moulded us and created into who we are and have built such resentment, sadness, fear, anger, you name it, to then manifest itself as a disease like, well, anything really, but for me and many others canSer?
It’s like a penny dropped. I have been acting like an alcoholic. I have been excessive in my life. I was all or nothing. I was a party girl with no responsibilities and did as much as possible not have any ties, but all the while feeling sadness, regret and wishing I could have a better life. It’s not my illness. It’s not my problem.
I have everything I want now. I have security- a home, a job, and a husband. The most important thing I have is an abundance of love. I need to let go of worrying what’s round the corner and trying to be perfect. I don’t have to cure canSer. I have to heal my soul and to do that, is being authentic and the real me.
I have wondered why I have always been highly strung and stressed. I always I thought I had no reason to be like it or why. I wondered why I was afraid to ‘grow up’ but I think I get it. I’m not going to let anyone down. I’m not weak and I don’t need to be fixed. CanSer isn’t part of me. I don’t need it to be part of my life. It’s not an excuse or a crutch. I can live without it and I can be an adult.
I have been having dreams recently about having a baby. In my late twenties and early thirties I was always scared of having a family. Was it the right thing to do? I would make excuses like, ‘Why would I want to bring a child into this world with all the bad things that are in it?’ But what I was really doing was reflecting my life’s fears. Now I know life is full of love and what I put into it is what’s reflected.
I also dreamt that I had ten God Mothers for our child. Each one helped in their own very special way. Ha ha. I like that. I can picture them all in my head. My friends who all have their specific strengths and would perfect in their own special ways… Anyway I’m digressing.
Healing illnesses isn’t about the right medication, treatment or therapy. It’s about healing the cause. Get to the root of it and I believe you over half way there….
Epiphany over…. Time for tea. Xx