A big ‘Hello’ to all our new friends! You are probably wondering what this website and blog is all about. We hope to bring two things into your life.
Firstly, truth about success, positivity and a plan for all canSer (deliberately miss-spelt to stop its dominance) survivors and everyone who is supporting a survivor, not just with triple negative breast canSer but all canSers.
And secondly, as you never know when you may have canSer or any tragedy in your life, to look at life differently than perhaps you have. To never “put off” the things you want to do. Never say “I’ll travel when I retire” or put off that romantic dinner, visit to loved ones, hugs or even spending an hour exercising or in thought. Tomorrow may never come, yesterday cannot be changed and now, today is all you have.
So welcome to Making Triple Negative a Positive!
Still reeling at the number of followers we achieved before the end of 2012… I have unfortunately been distracted and havent been updating my blog so I do apologise for leaving you all in the lurch especially if you have only just joined us. The end of 2012 was a magical one spending it by the sea in Thailand with nothing to do but watch thousands of sky lanterns and fireworks going off – just me and my Bear. Nothing fancy, not sad and no expectations or resolutions. I don’t need to resolve anything. I just need to continue doing what I have been doing for the last 6 months. I suppose if I need to improve anything then that would be to have faith and trust implicitly. I must trust that everything will work out for the best.
The holiday was just what we needed and for the first time in ages I didn’t even think about canSer. I don’t feel ill and I don’t look ill so there was no reason to factor it into my life just for that short time.
The holiday was different than normal mainly due to the weather. Anyone that knows me knows I love the sun and would do nothing more than bask in its glory getting a get tan and soaking up the vitamin D and heat like a meercat. Sadly the weather was as unpredictable as it is over here in the summer. I tried not to be bitterly disappointed and tried to see what I was being taught. And I did learn something.
Due to the weather meant that we went off exploring, leisurely strolls along the beach, sea kayaking in caves, and boat trips. One morning we came across wild monkeys that were very comfortable around us humans (so much so they climbed all over me! Argh!) It was an amazing sight and so very funny. Another day we decided to have Thai massages and came across a little hut with a lovely woman called Tik Tik. She was very generous and spoke very good English. She told us she had learnt to speak English by relatives of some of those that lost their lives in the tsunami who still travel there every year to volunteer and help the children. She told us in detail about how devastating the tsunami was. It was incredibly moving yet she was upbeat and wanted to give us the nicest time. We had some more treatments! Pete had reflexology which is nothing like it is over here as they use a wooden stick. He was in agony but bizarrely felt better afterwards. He said he was being treated by the Queen of Pain! Ha ha!
Before we left, Tik Tik kept holding my hand and saying to Pete how charming I was. Pete told her that I had been ill and she said that her mother and sister have breast canSer so felt the pain and sadness too. She was very emotional and kept sniffing me (thought she was going to kiss me on the cheeks but no, she sniffed me!) Then she told me she loved me and said I was special and to be strong in my head and my heart. She insisted in us returning next year and she would throw us a party and she will cook Thai food for us. I believe her. I am going to keep in contact with her by email. I felt incredibly moved and that was the first time I had been reminded that I am apparently ill. I had a few tears….
The holiday was the first time since July that I had not exercised, meditated (well actually did it once on a rainy day), practised yoga, juiced or done any of my rituals. I didn’t feel like it. I just felt free. And it was lovely. I tried to continue with the best food choices that I could but sometimes a pancake fell into my mouth by accident and I did drink alcohol every day. And I don’t feel bad about it. I am not beating myself up and thinking I could be better. I still ate a very healthy diet better than before and I know that despite wishing for the weather to be better that it was the first time in a long time that I felt really happy and relaxed.
The holiday was topped off with a huge high. We returned to Bangkok for a day before flying home. We had a day of decadence and sunbathing followed by shopping and eating and drinking. All my favourites!
I definitely want to go back and even felt sad when it was time to come home. The Thai people are so calming and respectful. On the flight I became overwhelmed and the fear of the canSer returned just briefly. Everything seems so much more magnified. The real fear of getting sick and no matter what I think most of the time it’s those little moments of panic that really get me. Pete snuffled me and said I am going to be fine and everything is working.
I did a lot of reading whilst there and finished the book Love, Medicine and Miracles by Dr Bernie Siegel. Wow. I feel motivated and feel like this illness can be kicked no matter what I have been told. There is this excerpt that I liked;
‘To some extent, cancer is not a primary disease. It is partly a reaction to a set of circumstances that weaken the body’s defences. That is why when a doctor cures cancer or another disease without ensuring that the treatment addresses the patient’s entire life, a new illness may appear. .. One does not have to be a saint to be healed. It’s the effort of working toward sainthood that brings the rewards. As Richard Bach, author of Jonathan Livingston Seagull wrote, ‘Here’s a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: If you are alive, it isn’t.’
Back to reality now though; I’m off to hospital this morning for my bloods and clinic appointment and to be given my second cycle of chemo. If it’s anything like the first then it will be a doddle. I believe I won’t get any side effects. Started the day off nicely though with my green juice- oh how I’ve missed it! Then I must get the Christmas tree and decorations down for another year. Tomorrow I will start my rituals again… I’m looking forward to 2013. It’s going to be our year!!!