An unsettled weekend and an unsettled me….

We decided that we should have some time at home this weekend. So we spent a few days doing garden chores and really just taking our time.

We went out for dinner on Friday night to a local pub which turned out to be ghastly food. Very disappointed and worst of all we felt yuk. Going to bed feeling full and unsatisfied is not good. That put me on a bad foot for the whole weekend with food. I had lovely fresh fruit juices and vegetable smoothies as I always do but I simply did not have an appetite. Normally I am starving but I just didn’t feel like eating. This of course isn’t good as I need food as my medicine. I normally crave foods and can imagine lovely crunchy salads but nothing was doing it for me. Even when Pete made a fresh fish curry full of rustic veggies and tomatoes I was that off my food that I started feeling very shaky and eventually was sick. I’ll say it again… it’s so unlike me. Yesterday wasn’t much better. We bought lots of lovely vegan fresh tapas bites but I just didn’t fancy a thing… except a scone with cream and jam! I could have gone without that too but it was calling my name! I know I mustn’t eat sugar or dairy but sometimes even I have to give in. Of course the lack of food this weekend has an impact on my weight. I’ve dropped a few pounds but I think the thing I notice most of all is my mood. I’m lacking something. I feel disconnected from my intuition and I don’t ‘feel’ like I am feeling anything. It’s very odd. I can’t put my finger on it but things feel different at the moment, like changes are coming…

We had two lovely morning lay ins and I didn’t get up till nearly eaten am yesterday! That’s like 12 hours in bed! It wasn’t all spent sleeping though. Peter spent many hours reading in the night and has been feeling unsettled. He has been giving me so much love and at night he whispers how much he loves me and squeezes me tight. I know all this is so hard on him and we do talk about how confused we are with life. We know that it’s all about love but it’s sad to think that one day one of us will be without the other. It just doesn’t seem fair. It poses that question, what is life all about? It doesn’t bare thinking about really and now is all that is important. I know all this, yet it still seems to be lingering in the air. We both feel like something big is about to happen and have been feeding each other’s energy all weekend. Despite having a great time together we both seemed so unsettled. It’s as if we haven’t got anything major planned we are both very aloof. I normally love just milling about and yesterday ended up being a great day. We ventured over to Witney and bumped into our friends briefly, who always cheer us up. Thenwe did a spot of retail shopping buying things like a mixing bowl and measuring cups for cooking (I will be making something very soon I know it!) as well as few items for my next holiday. (I know, I know I shouldn’t but let’s work on one thing at a time!) We then made our way to Millets Farm. To our surprise they had a chilli fiesta on. There were many stands with something containing chilli such as plants, jams, chutneys, beers, sauces,  jewellery and the list goes on. Pete was in heaven trying out samples. I, thankfully, am not eating chilli at present ever since my distant healing with john of God. It says in the notes that I shouldn’t have chilli for forty days… um ok then!

The reason for our visit to the farm to was to stock up on frozen berries for my morning smoothies. It gets very expensive buying fresh fruit and eating them within a certain time so that they do not go off. Having frozen berries means they last longer, are fresher and are lovely and cold which is perfect for cooling smoothies without the need for ice. I bought blueberries, strawberries and raspberries. All considered super foods and full of antioxidants.

On arriving home I started getting myself ready for our holiday later this week. I did my toenails and waxing and started dragging everything out of my wardrobe.

I finished reading Spirit Junkie by Gabby Bernstein this weekend too. I really understood her lessons and can take a lot from it. I understand when I am feeling negative that it is my ego butting in and trying to make me dwell on the past and fear the future. Sometimes I simply cannot believe that I am so well and my ego creeps in and tries to drag me down and become miserable again. I am this lucky because I love myself and work hard at being well I deserve to feel better so I have to keep reminding myself that it doesn’t all have to end in misery. I don’t have to be another statistic.

Whilst lying awake at night the mind plays silly games. All our fears and worries are escalated and that’s what happened to Pete and I this weekend. We even started doubting the treatment I receive from Germany. We started wondering why is it that now I am going to have the gamma delta cell treatment. Does it mean that the dendritic cell treatment hasn’t worked. Or does it simply mean it’s the next step? Could I still be this well if I didn’t have the treatments and simply had chemo on its own? I guess the only way to know would be if I gave the foreign treatment a miss for some time and see what happens. But neither of us is willing to do that. The last thing we want is for canSer to take a hold.

I have spent my last minutes before sleep and sometimes when I awake praying to Dr Jose Valdevino, the entity that John of God said would heal me. I have had a few odd pictures come to my mind when praying, such as men’s faces. I hope that he is helping me and that on my next scan, which will be a few months away, that the tumour are gone. I can but hope because, that’s all there is.

I have also been working on visualisations. I still see lots of mini me’s hoovering the tumours and the lymph nodes being polished so they are shiny. I try to see nothing there but then I would simply stop hoovering so I figure it’s best to keep imagining me sucking them up. I have a very powerful Dyson!

After I have finished work today I am going to have reflexology. Ahhh I can’t wait. I have had quite an upset stomach today. No need for a coffee enema. I haven’t had one for about three weeks now. No need when I have a tummy like this. I need to be kind to myself and I need to reconnect. I have so much to be happy for and I have to keep reminding myself of this. Onwards and upwards…..

Time to contemplate, breathe and read….

Poor Old Bear has been poorly sick the last day or so. A tummy bug in the middle of the night. It started with chills then progressed onto projectile vomiting and diarrhoea.. Thank goodness we have a wet room! It makes a change to be the one that takes care of someone (even though I am well I am the one constantly taking tablets and being assessed at hospital) I don’t think Pete likes my kind of care giving. I told him to be quiet when making groaning noises. I didn’t mean it the way it came out. What I meant was that if he stopped groaning he would sleep and he did!

Needless to say it’s not nice seeing someone you love sick. Then to top it off his wisdom tooth cracked and fell out. So off to the dentists he went. Returning with a hamster face, bless him.

I on the other hand am feeling tip top. Chemo started and touching everything wood, I’m feeling brilliant. A bit tired but was from being up with Pete in the middle of the night. I made up for it by going to bed at 9pm last night. Rock n roll! I couldn’t even stay awake for my favourite American TV shows.

Again the weather has been beautiful so after being the dutiful wife doing chores for ray our elderly friend I have spent the afternoon basking in the sun. It gives me much time to breathe, contemplate and read.

I’ve now got to the nutrition chapters of ‘You can conquer cancer’. A subject I really believe in and feel you can have some control over. So far it’s the same as Kris Carr’s advice and I’m feeling slightly chuffed that it reinforces what I’m already doing. I’m feeling healthy mentally this week too. I’ve been particularly good with my meals, not eating excess amounts and really trying to listen to what my body needs.

Spending all this time in the garden I get to see things change daily. I can hardly believe in 4 weeks it’s a year since my ‘bad’ news or life changing news to make it more positive.

I’ve been getting new bookings this week for my business. I’m always amazed that if I ‘put it out there’ I usually get more bookings. The Universe usually gives you what you need.

With all the sickness I think we are going to be having a very quiet weekend. Pete has been burning the candle and needs to ‘love’ himself. That pleases me. I love downtime. Let’s face it, my whole life is quite chilled these days…Just like I like it.

Bursting with love for all the support

Today has been mostly spending time pushing my wares! Ha ha! I have been on social media promoting my bracelets and egging everyone on to donate to the giving page that I have set up. I was worried to begin with but once I contacted a few friends the donations have started to flow and actually people have been donating rather than wanting bracelets. It amazes me as to the support people show. I love looking on the giving page and seeing the comments people make. Brilliant. I don’t think I am doing anything inspiring or amazing. I actually think that for every single person that makes the effort to donate and takes the time to go online and use their hard earned money on my charity initiative is the inspiring part. Plus I also get to hear from long lost friends.

Pete and I would love to go on holiday every month. We are trying to do as much as life can give us in the time given to us (which by the way will be another 50 years at least!) but money is tight and time is tight too! Pete has so much work on that we have decided that we will give holidays a miss for a few months until the four Germany trips are complete and til we know what the next step is.

So I decided today that if we are not going away that we would catch up with all the friends that we keep meaning to see. friends new and old actually but ones we don’t see hardly at all. That’s our diary booking up.. I get to see my oldest best friend from secondary school in April, my good friend who I worked with over 15 years ago next week, friends we met in Austria just a few weeks ago and a lovely lady we met in Ibiza last october.. So exciting. I’m fit to burst! Whoop di whoop..

 Right now I am surrounded by post it notes with names and quantities on and boxes filled with bracelets ready to go on a trip tomorrow distributing many of them. My friends are great. They are taking bundles of bracelets to sell to their family, friends and colleagues.. Some are even holding chairty events locally to sell my bracelets. I hope that people read the info on the back and then go this website and read everything on offer. That’s the main aim to raise awareness too. We need support and the more I think that I can beat this the fact still remains that I have been told the canSer I have now is incurable. Really? I still find it hard to understand that if canSer goes into remission that is isn’t cured. I suppose I understand that it can come back but so can any canSer. Hmmm.. not worth wasting my thoughts on.


I had a great night sleep last night and Pete is so sweet every morning.. doesn’t get me up and I try so hard to see him out… but this morning I just couldn’t pry myself out of bed. I had a lovely morning. I decided I wouldn’t get distracted by my emails and facebook so  ploughed on with my rituals and whilst I was having my heat and air I listened to quantum field healing work.. I figure the more focussed I am the better I will be.

I am still reading Getting Well Again which works a lot on mental imagery and having goals. It’s taking me ages as I do not designate time to it. But whilst at the airport I tried to absorb as much info as possible. It states that canSer can be created by the individual. I have said this before, that stresses 6-18 months before finding canSer can contribute to the canSer being there so in some ways the individual participated in it being created. I like that thought. Participated but not blaming it on the individual. I agree with that. I didn’t make it happen but I participated in it happening. Somehow with my thoughts and actions as well as physical changes like stress or grief or losing the will to live.  Once I complete the exercises in the book I will post more about it on here.

One section is about goals.. well that goes back to my mood board. I now have the longest list of places I want to go.. All over the world… plus I want more house improvements and well let’s put it this way I have to go back to work and fast if I want all these things to happen!

Tomorrow is going to be a hard day.. We go to our friends’ mums funeral. Very sad time.

Then off to the hospital to get Ray who has been in hospital for over 3 months. And they are sending him home again.. to be there for about a month then he will be back in there AGAIN.. oh well..

Then the evening I am going to be driving around west Oxfordshire dropping off bracelets..

Then it’s the weekend! Whoop .. with my Bear.. Yay! XX