Better when I am not thinking about it….

It’s been an up and downy few days. Ever since I got back I have continued to have head aches and whilst I don’t think there is anything serious to worry about I had to mention them to my oncologist.

I also mentioned this cough of mine. Prof Harris doesn’t think there is anything sinister in the cough but as expected says I have to bring my CT scan forward AND have an MRI scan. Boo!

I absolutely hate having MRI scans, mainly because I feel claustrophobic in the noisy tube. I know it’s not rational but then maybe it isn’t the fact that i am having a scan that scares me.

I completely understand why i have to have an MRI, I just don’t relish it.  Best to be sure though.

Saturday was a lovely day. I spent the day in London with my old school friend. We relaxed, had spa treatments and then went for a lovely lunch. Plans are already being made for the next trip…All the while I was there Pete slaved in the kitchen making foods that I can snack on and that are full of antioxidants. Love him.

 

I am struggling at the moment with letting you know how I am feeling. I feel confused. I feel so up and down that I don’t know myself. One moment I am feeling great, the next I feel rubbish, mostly I am feeling rubbish. I hate having nothing to report because I am so self involved and all consumed with myself. I want to be full of energy and loving life. And I do to some extent but when you have niggly little ailments such as headaches, they can really bring you down.

I go to bed with a headache, and then I wake up having visuals, the start of a migraine. I cannot explain it. I have back pain where I feel the headache is resonating from. It could be absolutely anything that’s causing it. Who knows what I am having pumped into my body? All I know is that once I have the scan results if it’s not the worst, then it can only get better.

I am better when I am not thinking about things. I am still struggling taking my meds and supps and I am really finding it hard to focus on the big things. They are more important to me than anything else. I just need to remember that.

What has changed since yesterday really?

So yesterday I had the results of my scan as you know if you read the guest blog by the Bear. I have to admit I had a heart flutter the moment I saw the email with the results in it. That rush of adrenalin that makes you shake and feel sick. I suppose part of me wasn’t surprised. I am ever hopeful that the results will be amazing but sometimes I am just living in a dream world.

Pete had prepared me for the worst as he expected things to look larger as they did last year when I had just started DC therapy. Starting GD therapy in August and then again in October was clearly going to have an effect. I suppose I just thought it would be smaller or gone. I guess I am hoping for that miracle to happen. Talking of miracles I also hoped that John of God may have done his thang. You never know he may have. There is no way of knowing if in fact it was larger or indeed spread more and this is in fact good news. But I guess I will never know that.

Today is like every other day. The results weren’t what I wanted to hear but other than that was has changed? I am still feeling as great as I always have. I exercised, meditated, did my usual morning rituals and got on with my day working and taking and collecting Pete from hospital (Yes it was my turn to take of someone for a change rather than be the one taken care of!) That’s what I need to remember. That it realistically is only a piece of paper that has some rather abstract detail on it that they presume is disease progression. Of course in the NHS’s eyes that is what is happening. They can’t differentiate between cancer cells and the gamma delta cells.

On the same day as my results I received a book in the post that I had ordered from Amazon. (They must love me. I spend so much money on Amazon!) It is called Mum’s not having chemo by Laura Bond who has a blog in the same name. It details all the research her and her mum did during her mum’s time having ovarian and uterine cancer. She went to every corner of the globe to find out the best alternative treatments. I have only read a few chapters but it has given me a spark to contact some of the doctors she has spoken to. Some of the doctors, for example, do blood tests to see what treatments will work on your kind of cancer as well knowing what herbs and alternative treatments can work for you. This is just the tip of the ice berg and I cannot wait to read the rest of the book. The problem is that I must read my current book first. We made a decision at the weekend that we are going to go to be a bit earlier than normal and read for half an hour. It is actually quite calming. Better than watching TV before sleep.

So how else have getting those results made me feel? I guess initially I cried and felt despair. It brings homes the stark reality every time that I actually have a terminal disease. The fear and worry of getting ill and dying comes flooding back. I try not to feel that way but lets’ face it I am human… I think.

Pete as usual was brilliant and kind of without making me feel bad, said ‘I told you so….’ well almost but not in so many words. And I have to admit I guess I was prepared for the worst in a way.

When you get news like that you can’t help but play over the last few months and wish if only I was better. Better at being ‘good’ with my diet and so on. But the fact that the tumours appear larger could be great news for me. It could mean that the tumours are being inundated with GD cells and like before they are going to killed and reduce in size. This time though I expect them to better, I expect the tumours to be gone completely.

So off I trot on my usual path but now with a steely determination that this is finally going to be it.

I won’t rest on my laurels though. I am already contacting doctors in Japan, Germany and America about possible directions to go down and ways of finding out what will help me. As well as this I am booking appointments with doctors here in the UK for consultations on things like mistletoe injections, high dose vitamin c treatment and of course I am booking to have hyperbaric oxygen treatment as soon as possible. So, that on top of what I am already doing will hopefully kick this disease in the butt.

I guess why I was so upset yesterday is that I honestly believe in my head that I am going to be free of canSer. And that is the only thing to think; to have a good life and to really love life there is no other option. But the cruel reality scares me and I hate thinking of what is a very likely outcome for most people in my position.

Thankfully life propels forward and I don’t get too much time to dwell on it. It’s not possible with a Bear snuffling down my neck looking at me with those big hazel eyes. Bless him. What would I do without him?

Three month scan already here! Urgh.. I don’t like this day. Everything can change.

The weather this weekend has been a tad windy to say the least. We went to Brighton to see our friend and check on our boat… Oh the poor boat. It is being bashed and thrashed by the elements. Worse still we had to sleep on her through the stormy winds and waves too.

It made for a very unsettled night but by morning despite the wind it was very crisp and bright. It certainly made us feel alive. My hair looked a state but I felt the stinging on my ears from the cold wind and it made it all the more comforting to go into a warm house.

On arriving at home we decided to settle down catching up on TV programmes all snuffled in our winter lounge. It sounds like we have a mansion… we don’t but we do have two TV areas. The snug is my favourite. Small, cosy and seaside themed and then our lounge where it is womb like and earthy. In preparation for the week ahead and the end to the weekend we both had an Epsom salt bath, with lovely aromas from incense and chilled tunes playing. You’d think that after that I would be floating away but I became really unsettled. I couldn’t put my finger on it but I can only assume it was because of the dreaded CT scan that was booked for today.

It doesn’t matter how much self talking and pepping I do I still get anxious before the three month scan. It’s because I worry about what may be. I think you have to be a very strong person to be able to stay calm and not fear the future. I am good most of the time… just not last night.

It didn’t stop me from sleeping probably because I was so wrecked from the lack of sleep on the boat (that I was sure was going to sink!)the night before.

Today has been great. I love getting back into exercise and all my morning rituals. Today I did rebounding and I find it such hard work which is great. I love knowing it working every cell in my body.

I try to weigh things up in my head. I know there are things I am slack on but then I think of all the things I do religiously. Ever the perfectionist, it makes life difficult staying positive and not being critical. I’ve tried to think if I know deep down what is going on inside of me. I have had funny sensations in my chest recently but then when I think when they happen it is usually when I am feeling a little stressed, so could be nothing.

The CT scan came and went today. It is always so fast and I don’t get time to really think long and hard in the hope that I willing my body to reflect itself as being in perfect health. I hope so very much that my results are good. I won’t get them for a week. As always this coming week will be a tough one. I am going to work harder at meditation and hope to buy a new mediation cd from the pranic healer tomorrow to start using a fresh. It’s good to keep things interesting. A bit like changing supplements and diet every now and then. The body likes change and it keeps it guessing. Variety is the spice of life and all that.

It’s done now… I say the same things every three months. It just goes to show that it never gets easier. Well it doesn’t for me as I care so much. I think I make such an effort that nothing less than success is enough.

Success is what I currently have I know. But I want more! At least I will keep trying for more but feel very satisfied with what I have. I don’t want to look back and feel disappointed. The key is to live in the present and be grateful.

Pete is great when I’m uneasy. He held me so tight last night that I couldn’t move. Just how I like it. I’m his teddy bear!

This week is a good one with a lot to look forward to so I am simply going to put the scan tot eh back of my mind and know that everything is going be ok…. It always is.

The Negative Health Service

Today  I had oncology appointment with the consultant to discuss more in detail and to collect results of MRI and CT scans. I don’t mean to sound off but to be told the scans were nothing scans and brushed over was a little alarming- to me that’s an amazing thing. The canSer hasn’t gone to my liver or my bones! Whoop de whoop! I almost think the doc would’ve been more impressed had there been some metastases. The plan is to wait for results and go back in September. There was no urgency or worry that time is of the essence. We discussed our ten point plan but as expected water off a ducks back. The look in her eyes was defeat. She advised me to enjoy alcohol and any food I like- although she did think alcohol could be a factor. She doesn’t believe changing my diet would help. I walked out as expected, deflated. I am having another ct scan at end of August – I really want to know if the nodules are growing. Moving on from that- there is no point expelling thoughts or emotions on it.

 

Time for me this afternoon- I had acupuncture to help with energy flow and also on a spiritual level. I really enjoyed it but couldn’t help wanting to see what I looked like with needles in me!