So yesterday I had the results of my scan as you know if you read the guest blog by the Bear. I have to admit I had a heart flutter the moment I saw the email with the results in it. That rush of adrenalin that makes you shake and feel sick. I suppose part of me wasn’t surprised. I am ever hopeful that the results will be amazing but sometimes I am just living in a dream world.
Pete had prepared me for the worst as he expected things to look larger as they did last year when I had just started DC therapy. Starting GD therapy in August and then again in October was clearly going to have an effect. I suppose I just thought it would be smaller or gone. I guess I am hoping for that miracle to happen. Talking of miracles I also hoped that John of God may have done his thang. You never know he may have. There is no way of knowing if in fact it was larger or indeed spread more and this is in fact good news. But I guess I will never know that.
Today is like every other day. The results weren’t what I wanted to hear but other than that was has changed? I am still feeling as great as I always have. I exercised, meditated, did my usual morning rituals and got on with my day working and taking and collecting Pete from hospital (Yes it was my turn to take of someone for a change rather than be the one taken care of!) That’s what I need to remember. That it realistically is only a piece of paper that has some rather abstract detail on it that they presume is disease progression. Of course in the NHS’s eyes that is what is happening. They can’t differentiate between cancer cells and the gamma delta cells.
On the same day as my results I received a book in the post that I had ordered from Amazon. (They must love me. I spend so much money on Amazon!) It is called Mum’s not having chemo by Laura Bond who has a blog in the same name. It details all the research her and her mum did during her mum’s time having ovarian and uterine cancer. She went to every corner of the globe to find out the best alternative treatments. I have only read a few chapters but it has given me a spark to contact some of the doctors she has spoken to. Some of the doctors, for example, do blood tests to see what treatments will work on your kind of cancer as well knowing what herbs and alternative treatments can work for you. This is just the tip of the ice berg and I cannot wait to read the rest of the book. The problem is that I must read my current book first. We made a decision at the weekend that we are going to go to be a bit earlier than normal and read for half an hour. It is actually quite calming. Better than watching TV before sleep.
So how else have getting those results made me feel? I guess initially I cried and felt despair. It brings homes the stark reality every time that I actually have a terminal disease. The fear and worry of getting ill and dying comes flooding back. I try not to feel that way but lets’ face it I am human… I think.
Pete as usual was brilliant and kind of without making me feel bad, said ‘I told you so….’ well almost but not in so many words. And I have to admit I guess I was prepared for the worst in a way.
When you get news like that you can’t help but play over the last few months and wish if only I was better. Better at being ‘good’ with my diet and so on. But the fact that the tumours appear larger could be great news for me. It could mean that the tumours are being inundated with GD cells and like before they are going to killed and reduce in size. This time though I expect them to better, I expect the tumours to be gone completely.
So off I trot on my usual path but now with a steely determination that this is finally going to be it.
I won’t rest on my laurels though. I am already contacting doctors in Japan, Germany and America about possible directions to go down and ways of finding out what will help me. As well as this I am booking appointments with doctors here in the UK for consultations on things like mistletoe injections, high dose vitamin c treatment and of course I am booking to have hyperbaric oxygen treatment as soon as possible. So, that on top of what I am already doing will hopefully kick this disease in the butt.
I guess why I was so upset yesterday is that I honestly believe in my head that I am going to be free of canSer. And that is the only thing to think; to have a good life and to really love life there is no other option. But the cruel reality scares me and I hate thinking of what is a very likely outcome for most people in my position.
Thankfully life propels forward and I don’t get too much time to dwell on it. It’s not possible with a Bear snuffling down my neck looking at me with those big hazel eyes. Bless him. What would I do without him?