Back from the mountains… bliss

Back from a week in Austria Skiing with my man… bliss.

We used to go annually and as lucky as I am I have been taught to ski by my big bear.. So very talented isn’t he. Year on year I have improved and I must say I am a great skier (even if I do say so myself!).. Testament to the teacher me thinks!

The best thing about skiing is the mountains. (Maybe the après too! ) It is so very surreal being in such a powerfully energetic place. It’s breathtaking and you feel so very small. The environment can change daily from being safe and clear, to a near death experience with no visibility and unaware what is around each bend. I am terrified of the heights and the weather changes and the power that the mountains have over us little humans. Most of all I respect them. They are so beautiful. I love it there.

It reminds me of the best things in life and for a whole week I didn’t hardly think of canSer or remember that I had it. No one would have known and thankfully I felt fit as a fiddle. Not out of breath or anything. Plus I didn’t fall over more than twice. So no bruises or broken bones.. The same can’t be said for my hubby. He did some spectacular falls but then he was throwing himself down the mountain as quick as possible to see how fast he could go! Ha ha! I’m laughing now but at the time I was going nuts!

Being in Austria amongst the mountains where there is summer and winter sports you would think that the Austrians would be healthy. Well they are to a degree clearly. But the food on offer was mainly meat, cheese and potatoes. It was vegan hell! However, being ever adaptable I went for the best and worst options. I had chips, bockwurst (frankfurter sausage to us English people) and a number of undescribeables. I had to eat  something and I love meat even if I have chosen not to eat it for health reasons. I decided it was holiday and a week off after all plus I needed protein for energy and fat for keeping warm! At least I was getting plenty of fresh air and exercise. Ah… fresh air. Again I was getting lots of it however everyone smoked! Plus they do not have a smoking banin public places, so everywhere we went it was smoky and smelly. Gross. Luckily I had a warm coat and spent a lot of time outside except on one evening when a Dutch fella asked me if I wanted a cigarette. I bet he wishes he hadn’t! I told him I had canSer in the lungs.. His face was a picture. I didn’t do it to be cruel…(much- devils horns!) Anyway there are always some negatives to every positive but the positives far outweighed the negatives.

Sleep wasn’t my friend either. I couldn’t decide if it was the energy from the mountain, the food, or chemo drugs that kept me hot and awake every night. I am surprised I stayed awake during the day but it didn’t seem to phase me. Now though I am pleased to be home and have been thinking a lot of what has to be done for charity.

I have received a few emails from Breast Cancer Breakthrough and also Kings College Hospital London where they are running a trial for triple negative specifically. I have been sent the details of the trial and will post on here tomorrow once I have read and understood it. They need funding to continue the study and I am going to make wish bracelets as well organise a number of people to hold events whereby they raise a £1000 each through the month of march.. More details to follow. I aim to make over 500 bracelets myself and have designed cards for them to go on and I will make about 30 a day over the next weeks..

Now I am back I loved starting the juicing again, as well as meditation and yoga. I always come home excited. I can’t wait for the next trip away.. Not sure where yet. I have plans to meet Andrew Tutt and discuss the trial; I have more trips to Germany for treatment planned and have plans as ever to update my house. The fact that I have plans really makes me feel that I don’t have a life threatening disease. I really do believe I could outlive this horror and I so want my next scan to reflect my good health. I have too much to live for. I actually even imagined having my own little snibbler the other day. I have never thought like that but I could see myself with a baby.. with our features and all that love. And if it can’t happen at least I have been feeling like I could. I may ask at the hospital about freezing eggs. It was Pete’s idea actually which really made me feel good. I wasn’t ready when I was asked two years ago. There was too much going on and I felt pretty awful. We just felt that if it was meant to be it would happen.

Pete has been amazing all week too. He is so loving and I really wouldn’t want to spend my time with anyone else. We have fun and laugh so much and now I have a weekend at home watching rugby with him before he has to return to work… Happy kitty.

I returned from hols to a copy of a letter that the oncologist sent to my doctor for their records. It was following my clinic appt I recently had, I stated that I have lung AND liver metastases! And that on doing a physical exam that I am unable to fully take in air in my left lower lung! Pete was not happy about this letter. I know for a fact the oncologist has it wrong. Every scan I have had says that I have hepatic cysts on the liver. This is apparently very normal and of no concern and she also said at the time of my physical exam that she probably hasn’t listened to my lung properly. I really don’t understand why they can fail to be consistent. It really upset Pete. They don’t know the effect something so flippant can have on such sensitive people. I am a highly strung individual and Pete is hugely sensitive and now we are like, a million times more so.. I am never going to understand doctors so I won’t waste my energy anymore on this subject… it was however worth the mention.

 

My mood board needs changing as I am ticking things off like anything at the mo. It’s good. I am fulfilling small goals. It is seven months since I was told I have incurable canSer with limited life expectancy. I am still deciding if is hold have known that info. I hope….. all the time. I think I will live till I am a 100 years old! I have too much to do.

For now I am going to return to my wonderful warm lounge and oggle men’s legs… with my Bear by my side and the little fluffy kitty to keep me warm. Or is it the other way round!?X

I’m excited, I’m off skiing tomorrow!

Just a quick blog to say how excited I am.. I’m off to skiing tomorrow in Austria! Tonight we stay in the airport hotel and then first thing hop on a jet plane.. Fa la la.

Today has been a day of getting stuff sorted out but I have felt incredibly tired again. Like I need to go to bed, tired. Last night I slept really well although I did get up a few times in the night and once at about 4am I decided to try and use my active mind to do some visualisations on my lung and lymph. The wind was so noisy that I decided to oimainge the wind blowing the cells aways. I also imagined climbing up a ladder into my brain which was like a control room and turned a big switch off which was labelled ‘blood supply to canSer cells’. Then I turned a switch on for ‘dendritic cells’. On turning off the switch to the canSer tumours, they all went out like lights. I had a funny tingling sensation in my heel so imagined that  the cells were leaking out of me like running water down a drain. Not long after that I fell asleep again. Bizarre. The tiredness during the day though I think is caused by the anti sickness tablets but if it has been like the previous times it should get better over the next couple of days. It had better or I am not going to be any use up a mountain skiing!

I have to admit I have  been feeling a little bit lazy with all the visualisations. It’s like doing exercise for the mind. It can be quite hard work but I also don’t want canSer to take over my every waking thought. It has been nice lately relaxing a bit. Food is easier, supplements are hugely simpler, and I have really been planning my future. I hope I am not in denial and haven’t taken my eye off the ball, so to speak.

I have been in contact with Susie who was on the Nicola Jane photo shoot with me. She is based close to me, in Oxford, and we plan on meeting up when I get back. She has just got back from staying at the Ice hotel and seeing the Northern Lights. This is on my To Do list and I am very excited to hear all about her trip so that I can book it for me and my Bear.

Other than that I am packed, and as ready as I’ll ever be. I won’t be blogging for a week or so but may put updates on facebook.

Tschus!