Had an online appointment with Dr Kate James yesterday. It was good to speak with her and get more reishi supplies ordered. She says she had no doubt that I would be doing well as I am a woman on a mission. I won’t need to have another appointment with her now for many months.
Yesterday I had a few clients returning after a year of not seeing them. I was greeted with more lovely flowers… I’m a lucky girl. They all say how well I look. I have to say that today I have barely coughed and don’t feel at all ill… whoop!
I’ve been told twice today that I have put on weight (on my face) and that I look really well. Now I find this hard to take! As a typical woman worrying about weight (old habits die hard) I guess I have to admit the weight has gone on over the last 5 months. Apparently I look healthier still this is ringing alarm bells in my head. I don’t want to put on weight I like me as I am now. I just can’t help eating! Pete says I am silly for mentioning it but I can’t help it! I have to love myself just the way I am… hard though.
I’ve been getting myself organised today in between clients as I am going to Birmingham tomorrow for a MAC make up master class in bridal make up. It’s been a long time coming and I’m really looking forward to it. Also I get to visit some good friends too. This is all timed nicely for the weekend when my best friend get s married and I am doing her wedding make up.
Tonight I will decide which dress I will be wearing at her wedding. You’d think it’s me getting married! Ha ha!
I received a lovely card from another client of mine who said she saw it and thought of me… See what you think. I love it. So kind and thoughtful and so TRUE!
The sun has finally made an appearance so I’m going to wait for my hubby in the back garden…
Today I have been catching up with a good friend and also off to have my nails done. I’ve really got into having them done and cannot believe the difference in the way my hands look and the nails are so much stronger now! Of course I’m still a bit fuzzy headed and haven’t started taking the chemo drugs yet. The reason is one; because I’m a chicken! and two; because it’s Pete’s Christmas works doo tonight and I want to have a drink without worrying I might get sick. I get to go as an honoury member of the team. Let’s face it I was working there for nearly five years and I still know what’s going on there as I live with the MD! Therefiore I am most certainly going.. it;s my right! ha ha! Plus I make up the girls numbers..Only four of us amongst 15 men.
It’s going to be a late night so I’ll give you an update tomorrow.
We had a mega long drive again today but we have finally got home. I have been feeling so happy today.. probably the thought of getting into my own bed with clean sheets (I had forward planning before we left!)… Back to my kitty and some cuddles!
What a beautiful day it has been! From the moment we awoke the sky has been blue and the air cold and crisp but the sun has had his hat on!
My mission now is to continue doing what I have been doing from the ten point plan but better. Spend more time trying to think and be positive. Who knew doing all this stuff took up so much time. Hilarious really. All most people wish for is to have more time to spend on themselves, only to do that means it gets in the way of doing other ‘stuff’. I can’t decide if its making me feel more stressed! I desperately want to read all these wonderful books that I have. They could change my mind set completely! I wish I could get a balance where I feel happy with what I am doing knowing I am doing enough. I often feel that once the day is complete that yes, today was a good day. But at the time I feel like a hamster in a wheel.
My sister in law said to me on Saturday that the more you do the more low you feel. I would have thought it would be the other way round. Having more time on my hands would give me more time to dwell and think. But I think she is right. The more I rush around filling my time helping myself going to appointments and making my life better and trying not to miss opportunities, I actually feel more withdrawn… By golly, this is quite annoying.
A client called me today to see how I am doing. She said that I have to believe everything I am doing is working until I’m told otherwise. She is right too. I keep trying to use my intution and know my body like I have done in the past and I can only feel well. I do admittedly feel achey from yoga yesterday and I am feeling a little tired although not lacking energy. I think that must be from doing so much in the recent weeks and also Pete is unwell so sleep for us both isn’t great. I really believe that I am getting better. It’s so hard not knowing what is happening inside of me. There’s is no knowing whether it’s working quickly or it has stayed the same. I guess the answer is not to think about it. Everyone else doesn’t sit wondering what is happening inside their bodies. They react once they get symptoms or illness.
I reckon I have got the physical stuff sorted for the moment although my search will never stop. It is the mind I am working on and with about 6 weeks til my next scan I am going to work on my mind. I already play with visualisations and affirmations and whilst meditating I think of golden light rushing into my body, every crevice and healing me whilst breathing out I breath black dark nasty stuff, the disease and negative thoughts.
My current book I’m reading, How your mind can heal your body, says that meditation actually heals the body- physically. Studies show that meditation had increased the prefrontal cortex of the brain- the area that controls concentration, free will and compassion. Thus, when you visualise healing your body,the first that occurs is that you actually change the microscopic structure of the brain. Mind changes matter! I feel like I have mentioned this before. Sorry if I am repeating myself. But it’s good stuff and I really have such high hopes when I think of that.
The rest of this week I have more time at home and amongst doing some chores that have really been nagging me, I am going to try to relax more and enjoy the now. I want to finish my book, update the website, add info to forums and remind myself of the good stuff I am doing to fix myself. Oo aswell as cooking pumpkin dishes as I have plenty of them! 🙂 Tis the season and all that.
Before our journey began today I emailed Professor Dalgleish re my scan results and meeting with the doc re the trial.
He says that it is usual to expect some progression and it’s very common for nodes to swell reactive with cancer cells in the same region. He said the necrotic node could be a sign that DC and NDV are already working. He advised that Carboplatin and Gemcetibine would work well along side immunotherapy. It’s great having Gus Dalgleish reassure us. I’m very thankful for that.
Ellen Copson, another of our specialists, told me that she I’ll refer me to a top breast cancer specialist in Harley street too.
As Pete says if anything this has just made us readdress the situation and get even more focussed.
We talked a lot on the journey today. My heart feels heavy and I can’t seem to ‘live’. Everything I’m learning says to feel ‘love’. Love today, not tomorrow. I get it but I keep forcing cancer back into my thoughts. Pete feels a bit the same but is so clever. This situation is really teaching us that now is important and that we will deal with things as they arise.
Right now I feel great. Apparently I look great. So I have to buck my mind up!
Arrived at our hotel with fires engulfing Marbella-Bugger!
I may not write much for a week. Time to focus on me and my Bear.
We had such a restful sleep last night. We always do when we are on the boat. Time flies too. The weather today has been amazing and so warm. I can’t remember enjoying it so much there. I always love being alone with my husband. No pressure and time to forget everything. We laughed a lot and discussed foods. We got home to about an hour of sun left in the garden where we danced and sang. Our neighbours must think we are mad! I love the garden. Today I ate nothing but green veggies and fruit during the day and as usual master chef created us a healthy delicious dinner. Brilliant weekend with my bestest friend, Bear. X