The only thing I heard next was, ‘When you next hear my voice you will be alert and peaceful’.

The last couple of days have been pretty stress free. I haven’t had much booked in the diary and have decided to go with the flow. It has been really good. I don’t know where time goes though?!

I have spent a bit of time listening to the new meditation/visualisation cd’s that arrived and have revisited the quantum field healing that I read recently. I actually decided to do it for Pete’s ankle. He did mention that he thought it felt better.

As well as this I have been ploughing through my new books ‘The book of miracles’ and ‘Faith, hope and healing’ both by Dr Bernie Siegel. They feature real life stories of canSer survivors or relatives’ and how they dealt with their own personal situations. At the end of each story Bernie gives his reflection. It is helpful and gives me hope and makes me realise that I don’t have to be cured of canSer to live fully.

I have been really beating myself up in the last 6 months making myself believe that nothing other than being cured of canSer is good enough but when I relate back to Kris Carr, she is living with it just fine ten years on. I suppose I really thought that if it left my life completely then I could really live and plan again but that’s me missing the point again! Now is the only life I have and I cannot simply think once it goes then I can really help others. I thought to myself that once I have proved the treatments and the exercises etc that I do work then I can really help others in surviving. But I am already living proof that it’s working. Ok the scan shows that the canSer has progressed but it is still very small plus my health is in tip top condition other than that. I honestly cannot see at the present time this is going to be my demise. I have to keep remembering that one day we will die and it’s never going to be good and one of us, Pete or I, will be alone.

What has been really nice is that despite the fact that I am reading about canSer I don’t feel like canSer is ruling my life at the moment. The chemo isn’t causing me any distress or ill health (except feeling like I am vibrating and shaking sometimes- I put that down to the chemo doings it’s thang!) I have been planning lots of holidays in my diary not booking as yet but at least there is a plan. I am certainly not thinking I don’t have a long future.

I have pencilled in my diary to go and see the NLP guy, Mark Newey at the end of February. He seems really nice and I could do with some reprogramming to make me let go of past hurts and move forward fearlessly. I actually dozed off this morning listening to some guided visualisation and the only thing I heard next was, ‘When you next hear my voice you will be alert and peaceful’. I hope that it still works when you are unconscious!

It is only over one month till ‘triple negative breast cancer day’ on the 3rd march and I really would like to raise funds and contribute somehow to it. I am not sure where the money should go at present. I don’t want to work too hard on it and feel responsible for it- as I tend to get myself worked up at things failing. (I know I am working on that too!) So I have chatted to a friend who is going to meet me to see what we could do. Any ideas welcome at this stage…. I want to support Coppafeel as they are raising awareness for everyone to start checking themselves from an early age. I want to support triple negative breast canSer but not sure what charity can help that and then I want to push forward the vaccine route as I believe this has a long way to go and could be the future combined with medication.

I believe now (again in hind sight) that all the time I was hoping not to go back onto chemo that in fact this could be the thing that really socks it to ‘em. I was afraid I would feel terrible that my life would be on hold again as you really don’t feel like doing anything  when on chemo but in fact if nature has its way and maybe if God is on my side this could be the thing that knocks it out of the ball park! Please, please, please…. I have everything crossed but know if it isn’t the outcome I want that I will move onto the next thing until it is.

I have been a bit naughty recently buying lots of clothes. I don’t know why I cannot stop.. I love looking and feeling good but I have too much of everything. This is the next thing for me to work on. I drew myself some angel cards and they were all focussing on spirituality and higher consciousness.  I know ‘things’ are not important so why do want them so much?

A lovely follower sent me this link to this news about TNBC. It all sounds exciting but not sure what I can do with it next… just hope the cure for this aggressive canSer is the next one they find!


Off to do be a little bit creative. I haven’t had my creative juices flowing in a while.. I need a fix. X

I can live every day without canSer ruling my life then that means not thinking about it…

This weekend was lurvely. We had a chilling weekend back since our holiday and had to get ourselves all organised. This was hampered slightly due to pete injuring his achilles and being on crutches. But that didn’t stop him getting jobs done. The weekend got off to a cracking start with us going to bed at 8pm again! And I slept all the way through till 7.30am. Come on yeah!

On the news Saturday monring, the doctor who founded DNA now says that super antioxidant food could cause canSer! What? Surely not. It took a while for Pete to calm me down as I thought what we have no chance but as usual he reasoned things out with me and said famous phrases and sayings are there for a reason. So you are what you eat is true.. in the fact that healthy people eat healthily. They don’t have weight issues, lower rates of heart diseases and cancer. This is fact. Honestly they say that everything causes cancer these days. I actually wonder if they really have any idea as to what is causing cancer in so many millions?!

Sunday we made a decision to plan for the year including trips away and things we want to achieve. We have pencilled our plans for holidays and one of the most exciting ones is a trip to Norway to see the Northern lights (weather permitting) I have updated my mood board, removing Thailand and have promptly replaced it with a new image. There are simple trips like a Cornwall and a stay at an eco hotel as well a visiting Port Isaac and more. On top of this I have begun to start improving our house (again). I know I constantly want to improve things but it keeps things fresh. It doesn’t mean I am not satisfied with how it is already but some things need changing like we do. Next on my list is my downstairs bedroom /gym and the kitchen is still on there. This is feel will take some planning.

Looking further than that I’ve read that it’s good to have future plans. I’m not one of those that want anything major. I want to still be living and loving our home. I want to watch the garden become established (that apple tree is upsetting Pete! Grow for goodness sakes!) Apart from that I would like to return back to work fulltime. I love working for myself but I think I want to become more holistically orientated and make my treatments more individual and nurturing. Of course I still want to be a HD brows trainer. I want to retrain in reflexology and be taught by the school that taught my reflexologist. Honestly amazing. I am not assuming I could ever be that good as I am sure some of what she does is healing and that isn’t something you can be taught but still. And of course the big goal.. charity. If we don’t start our own charity then I want to be involved in helping others and raising awareness. That’s enough I think. I like things simple (relatively) Of course added to that great recipe is having lots of love and fun and enjoying life to the max.

I am already gaining info from my follows. My friends and fb buddies have been sending me info and one lady sent me info on raw food and its benefits. This is the website she sent to me; I love receiving and sharing information. Whilst cruising on this site I found a link to a hypnotherapist and NLP recoding practitioner. I was asked by my best friend last week if I had considered going for hypnotherapy or cognitive therapy etc. My reply was ‘No’. But then this link popped up;

I have emailed the guy featured and he has replied. He seems really nice and I am just waiting for a further reply to fill me in on details of what it entails. He seems to have clients from all over the worked go and see him. I am interested. My head is my problem and it’s like meditation it requires practise and training and I feel I struggle with it.

The problem lies here… I can live every day without canSer ruling my life but then that means not thinking about it when visualising requires consciously focussing on it. So there’s the dilemma.  I want to make sure I am doing everything I can but I also want to not be afraid of what may be.

I believe that I am afraid to let life flow and to really enjoy life to the full at the present time. I am always looking forward to something and reeling in the happy memories rather than really feeling the moment. That’s what I want. And that’s what I am going to have. The funny thing about that guy is that he is based in Essex. Essex again! What is it about Essex and me? A bit farther away from my reiki man and my dad but still close enough for me to tie them all in together. And some might say that’s far for me to travel but as Pete points out people in Canada drive three hours just to get to work or school.  Ha ha!


Today has been a productive day and it must be due to the early nights. All weekend we didn’t go to bed later than 9pm! I am a grown up really. J I am actually quite excited about his week. I am having my ensuite spruced up, having my tv repaired, having reflexology (yay!), then off to London to see a specialist dietician who works at the London Oncology Clinic (LOC). I have been collating my supplements and diet to take with me on a document today.

As well as all of this I noticed something on the triple negative breast cancer foundation. There is going to be a seminar for professional in June. I would love to know what that’s all about but noticed that one of the main speakers is Andrew Tutt. I have mentioned him before. He is also based at the LOC and has been mentioned to me before by Professor Harris. I know I am having all the treatment I can have but for the purposes of research and wanting to know if there is anything that is being missed I am really tempted in seeing him.


I have emailed Prof Dalgliesh to see where my scan reports are and if he has spoken to Dr Nesselhut. I hate chasing things and people but I don’t seem to get a response otherwise. I have added in the email if he thinks I should see Andrew Tutt. No harm in asking.

I have paid for another vitamin d test to be sent to me this week. I feel it has been some 5 months since I did one and have been taking vitamin d all that time. It will be really interesting to see what my levels are. Last time I was just above average but it would be great to know what’s happening there.

I have today been listening to my new guided visualisations that arrived this weekend. I find listening to someone else really helps. I have a warmth and a throbbing feeling in my chest whenever I do focus on it. Every little helps eh? I am about to to start another new book by Dr Bernie Seigel too.

We have had snow over night and everything looks really pretty but as quick as it came it has already gone! Never mind it was nice whilst it lasted.

Whilst typing out my supplement list and reasons for using them I reminded myself about Coenzyme Q10. It states that CoQ10 has a positive impact in battling cancer. If a patient chooses chemotherapy drugs, rather than less harmful alternative treatments, it appears the drugs are more effective battling cancer if CoQ10 is added as a supplement, even though irreversible damage is inflicted from the toxic drugs. One of the reasons chemotherapy doesn`t cure more cancer is because there are inherent toxicity limits to the dosage administered. While cancer is being eradicated by high dosage chemotherapy treatment the overwhelming damage to healthy cells and permanent immune suppression can be severe enough that treatment must be discontinued or the patient is left to face fatal infections. This perked me up. maybe this is why I am coping so well with the chemo drugs? Either way it’s good to know that I am taking it.

So off to make cauliflower and roasted fennel soup for tea. I hope it’s nice. 🙂