Don’t know what I want.. live in the present or look to the future. It must be the Gemini in me!

Our first weekend home after being away for what felt like eternity was a real treat. I have caught up on the usual chores like washing and ironing. This bizarrely enough makes me feel really good. I like getting things done and being normal. It gives you a sense of what everyday life should be like.

I love my weekends as I get to spend it with my favourite person… my Bear. The weather wasn’t brilliant this weekend so we caught up (I am sad to admit) on TV programmes that we had missed. Now some may frown upon this as someone with my circumstances must want to do so many other things that be bothered by favourite TV programmes but it makes me happy and being happy is one of the ten point plan. In fact it is probably the most important element in healing. Happiness forces you to be stress free. You can’t be stressed and happy can you?!

Today is my first day back at work. I work from home so it’s not really that much of a big thing but I do love putting on my uniform and going to work in my home salon. I have, sadly, had a few cancellations today though. Sometimes I try to see what opportunities these cancellations give me. Often I need the time off to get things done and have more ‘me’ time. I have to admit I am a bit disappointed that I am not fully booked as I can really do with the money what with all the treatments aboard and time off work. Plus I have goals to achieve like getting my kitchen done. I am a long way off of raising the money for that but I have to start somewhere.

But I am not going to stress about it. It has given me the afternoon to get other things done. I have been asked by Nicola Jane lingerie to write a piece on the day in my life so that they can add it to their blog. I found it quite therapeutic actually and enlightening.  My days are very different to most people as I spend so much time during the mornings on me. Most people don’t have that opportunity so I do feel really blessed to be so lucky.

What to do with the rest of my day? I am going to read some more chapters of my book by Dr Lissa Rankin, Mind over Medicine and also dust off the ipad and use my sketches app.

I had a friend come over today for her brows. She is a good friend who looks after my furry animal (not Pete!) when I am away, which let’s face it, is often these days! In return I do her eyebrows for her. A bit of girly pampering is so nice! She is currently training as a reiki healer and has trained as holistic therapist in the past. She said that she feels that I may need to visit or speak to Mark, the hypnotherapist I saw earlier this year. She has a strong feeling that I need let go of things to move on. I have to agree with her. I am dealing quite well with things but I do feel that there is something holding me back from really living. I still fear what is going to happen every three months. I try not to let it happen but I can’t shift that feeling of wanting things to change. In a good way. What I mean is that I would really love it if we didn’t need to go to Germany as much because there is no evidence of cancer. I think I could really feel freer than I am now.

It’s like a block. I have forgotten what life was like before I had this diagnosis. I am sure I worried about pointless things. I really do want to live more in the present. I want to be more mindful.  It’s so weird no sooner have I said I want to live in the present I have a longing to plan for the future! Is this the Gemini in me? Being flighty and needy? Ha!

I received a really lovely letter from a fellow triple negative survivor this weekend that really moved me. It’s so good to hear from others and know that my blogs aren’t boring them to tears. I love hearing about their supportive partners. I feel blessed having my Big One. He is the one that keeps me going. Maybe one day I will meet some of my followers….


An unsettled weekend and an unsettled me….

We decided that we should have some time at home this weekend. So we spent a few days doing garden chores and really just taking our time.

We went out for dinner on Friday night to a local pub which turned out to be ghastly food. Very disappointed and worst of all we felt yuk. Going to bed feeling full and unsatisfied is not good. That put me on a bad foot for the whole weekend with food. I had lovely fresh fruit juices and vegetable smoothies as I always do but I simply did not have an appetite. Normally I am starving but I just didn’t feel like eating. This of course isn’t good as I need food as my medicine. I normally crave foods and can imagine lovely crunchy salads but nothing was doing it for me. Even when Pete made a fresh fish curry full of rustic veggies and tomatoes I was that off my food that I started feeling very shaky and eventually was sick. I’ll say it again… it’s so unlike me. Yesterday wasn’t much better. We bought lots of lovely vegan fresh tapas bites but I just didn’t fancy a thing… except a scone with cream and jam! I could have gone without that too but it was calling my name! I know I mustn’t eat sugar or dairy but sometimes even I have to give in. Of course the lack of food this weekend has an impact on my weight. I’ve dropped a few pounds but I think the thing I notice most of all is my mood. I’m lacking something. I feel disconnected from my intuition and I don’t ‘feel’ like I am feeling anything. It’s very odd. I can’t put my finger on it but things feel different at the moment, like changes are coming…

We had two lovely morning lay ins and I didn’t get up till nearly eaten am yesterday! That’s like 12 hours in bed! It wasn’t all spent sleeping though. Peter spent many hours reading in the night and has been feeling unsettled. He has been giving me so much love and at night he whispers how much he loves me and squeezes me tight. I know all this is so hard on him and we do talk about how confused we are with life. We know that it’s all about love but it’s sad to think that one day one of us will be without the other. It just doesn’t seem fair. It poses that question, what is life all about? It doesn’t bare thinking about really and now is all that is important. I know all this, yet it still seems to be lingering in the air. We both feel like something big is about to happen and have been feeding each other’s energy all weekend. Despite having a great time together we both seemed so unsettled. It’s as if we haven’t got anything major planned we are both very aloof. I normally love just milling about and yesterday ended up being a great day. We ventured over to Witney and bumped into our friends briefly, who always cheer us up. Thenwe did a spot of retail shopping buying things like a mixing bowl and measuring cups for cooking (I will be making something very soon I know it!) as well as few items for my next holiday. (I know, I know I shouldn’t but let’s work on one thing at a time!) We then made our way to Millets Farm. To our surprise they had a chilli fiesta on. There were many stands with something containing chilli such as plants, jams, chutneys, beers, sauces,  jewellery and the list goes on. Pete was in heaven trying out samples. I, thankfully, am not eating chilli at present ever since my distant healing with john of God. It says in the notes that I shouldn’t have chilli for forty days… um ok then!

The reason for our visit to the farm to was to stock up on frozen berries for my morning smoothies. It gets very expensive buying fresh fruit and eating them within a certain time so that they do not go off. Having frozen berries means they last longer, are fresher and are lovely and cold which is perfect for cooling smoothies without the need for ice. I bought blueberries, strawberries and raspberries. All considered super foods and full of antioxidants.

On arriving home I started getting myself ready for our holiday later this week. I did my toenails and waxing and started dragging everything out of my wardrobe.

I finished reading Spirit Junkie by Gabby Bernstein this weekend too. I really understood her lessons and can take a lot from it. I understand when I am feeling negative that it is my ego butting in and trying to make me dwell on the past and fear the future. Sometimes I simply cannot believe that I am so well and my ego creeps in and tries to drag me down and become miserable again. I am this lucky because I love myself and work hard at being well I deserve to feel better so I have to keep reminding myself that it doesn’t all have to end in misery. I don’t have to be another statistic.

Whilst lying awake at night the mind plays silly games. All our fears and worries are escalated and that’s what happened to Pete and I this weekend. We even started doubting the treatment I receive from Germany. We started wondering why is it that now I am going to have the gamma delta cell treatment. Does it mean that the dendritic cell treatment hasn’t worked. Or does it simply mean it’s the next step? Could I still be this well if I didn’t have the treatments and simply had chemo on its own? I guess the only way to know would be if I gave the foreign treatment a miss for some time and see what happens. But neither of us is willing to do that. The last thing we want is for canSer to take a hold.

I have spent my last minutes before sleep and sometimes when I awake praying to Dr Jose Valdevino, the entity that John of God said would heal me. I have had a few odd pictures come to my mind when praying, such as men’s faces. I hope that he is helping me and that on my next scan, which will be a few months away, that the tumour are gone. I can but hope because, that’s all there is.

I have also been working on visualisations. I still see lots of mini me’s hoovering the tumours and the lymph nodes being polished so they are shiny. I try to see nothing there but then I would simply stop hoovering so I figure it’s best to keep imagining me sucking them up. I have a very powerful Dyson!

After I have finished work today I am going to have reflexology. Ahhh I can’t wait. I have had quite an upset stomach today. No need for a coffee enema. I haven’t had one for about three weeks now. No need when I have a tummy like this. I need to be kind to myself and I need to reconnect. I have so much to be happy for and I have to keep reminding myself of this. Onwards and upwards…..

Preparing for a week without anything canSer related….

This weekend has been really quiet and earthy. Our time has been spent pottering doing jobs and packing for our week away. It may seem to some that we are away all the time.. And I suppose we are but not always away with no responsibilities and being carefree. This week coming we are going to lounge around, have plenty of time talk, walk and think… Oh and be in love. I’ve even decided to have a week off reading about anything canSer related. I’m going to read a trashy novel and live like I mean it! Not that I don’t normally of course. I’m almost at the end of my chemo cycle so that will be nice too.

Yesterday I felt really washed out again. That’s been a few weekends in a row. I felt ‘not right’. I can’t put my finger on it. I know I was a bit poorly as I was sound asleep on Pete’s chest during one of my favourite tv shows by 9pm… I was snoring! Slept all the way through…

I feel better today although it started a bit shaky. Right now I’m the happiest kitten ever- under a duvet watching James Bond.

Pete and I have been talking a lot about raw foods and juicing this weekend. On our return he is going to do a juice fast. I’m pleased he is seeing a benefit in my diet. It really improves everyone’s lives.

So not long now till I have to say goodbye to my kitty and leave her with ‘Aunty’ for the week. She won’t miss me.. She never does. Ha ha!

Three day weekend….

I’ve had a three day weekend. Not only does it feel like I have been away for ages… it’s amazing what you can do in three days! But it’s been jammed packed with fun as well as ample chill out time. Friday we headed down to London and met friends to celebrate our fifth wedding anniversary. We felt that as it was five years, which have flown by and what with all the crappy stuff happening in the last few years that we would celebrate it in style with friends too. The afternoon we lazed in Hyde park with a picnic of fresh watermelon and coconut water and the odd Pimms and lemonade thrown in. Then we all got ready and met for pre dinner drinks. Everyone had really made and effort and the mood was buzzing.  Going back to where we had our wedding reception was amazing. The room is so ornate and unique. The food was divine and the drinks flowed. Perhaps a little too much. We had speeches from our best man and from Pete which was as usual tear jerking.

Pete always does such a great speech and this time our lives were likened to different film genres. Horror, rom-com, drama, action and adventure and so on… He had everyone in tears and almost cracked himself a few times. I become very steely with my stare as if I were to blink the flood gates would open!

Five years feels like nothing and I can’t wait to do it all over gain a hundred times. As much fun as the doo was I still love having my bear to myself and I am already planning next year’s anniversary to be a private quiet one… J

Then on for some dancing in the basement nightclub until the heat finally got too much and we headed back to our hotel where the party continued into the early hours. I have to admit I was slightly jaded on Saturday morning but we all got together for a big hearty breakfast then we all went our separate ways.

We headed down to Brighton to take advantage of the continuing heat wave. It was a bit overcast but that was fine as I decided a siesta was the way forward. It turned into a mammoth sleep only being woken to get up for dinner! A few hours later and I was back I bed sleeping some more. To be honest I don’t think I would’ve got up on Sunday had I not been woken but the day was glorious and toasting. I did my usual stance of prone sunbathing. We took the boat for spin then basked in the sun and ate lovely fresh salad.

Back home last night to a very weird greeting of a very disturbed robin red breast in our house (caught by our killer kitty- who clearly couldn’t be bothered to finish it off- thankfully), piles of cat sick (kitty had clearly got upset and overeaten) and the sound of bag pipes being played in a neighbouring garden! I know weird right?.. but oh so great to be home again. Back in our bed for another very hot night…

Today I’m back to my usual rituals and looking forward to bed already! Ha ha! Rock and Roll…I know there is a pattern here… eat and sleep just like a real kitty!

I’m all ready now for a busy day with clients and then quite a busy week too. Not so much sunbathing for me this week I doubt. Never mind we are off on our holibobs soon… J

I just want to thank my wonderful Hubby for making me so very happy and love him more every day.. If that’s possible. XXX


Oh the simple things….

We’re having a heat wave… a tropical heat wave… fa la la la…

Pete and I have had the best weekend. Driving through the traffic on Friday night we arrived at the marina where we would be staying for the next few nights with the promise of a sunny weekend yet again! Even better it wasn’t windy and the sea was really calm.

We slept really well Friday and woke early to get up and walk about half an hour into Brighton to the hustle and bustle and to soak up the atmosphere. After having a hefty veggie breakfast we headed back to our boat where we lay in our sun for the rest of the day. It’s always the simple things that make people happiest. Everyone was so happy. It completely lifts the mood having the sun out and prolonged periods of warmth and sunlight. So simple. I know I am happiest when I can bask in the heat.

Saturday evening we met our friend and had a tasty meal. We are getting to know the area and are having fun trying out many bars and restaurants.  I have already found a vegan restaurant and can’t wait to try a Vietnamese vegetarian restaurant next time we go. The night wasn’t too late but I awoke the next day feeling pretty rough. I couldn’t decide if it was a hangover despite barely drinking anything or an upset stomach from something I had eaten. It was a shame really as I wanted to be on top form for my Bears’ birthday. It didn’t stop us having fun. We took a ride out on the boat and moored in front of the heaving beach for the whole day. Bobbing …… is what we call it.

Pete was so happy. That’s his happy place on the boat with me tucked under his arm pit! Ha ha! We had such a nice day that we decided to stay another night and headed home really early this morning.

I sadly was sick for most of yesterday which is totally unlike me. Even by the evening when I felt ok in myself my appetite wasn’t right and I barely ate a thing. I feel better today but think I should be careful with what I eat and drink. I need to be kind to myself.

Yesterday was the local Race for Life for Cancer Research UK. It’s an ever growing charity event and my friend has done it every year for the last three years at least. She sent me a message after she finished it in only 38 minutes. Go her… she said she had been thinking of me the whole way round. Touched… J

I’ve been getting more emails from readers and facebook followers asking for my advice. I am feeling really pleased that I can do at least something to help other people in a similar situation. I would do the same if I could do it over again. To be stage one again and to make all these changes could be the thing that got me over it. Still I’m here now and I’m well. There’s really no point dwelling on the past.

The book I am reading The Power of Now really emphasises how as individuals we spend our time thinking about the past and looking forward to future events. Even things as mundane as things we think need to be done on a daily basis. The author tries to get you to understand and feel the moment that you are living in and really notice what’s around you. I’ve been trying to do it. It’s much harder than it seems. The mind wanders at a rate of knots onto anything and everything. Life would be far less stressful for everyone if we did try to live in the here and now and not be side tracked with things and wanting more and more.

I’ve got a busy day working again today so best get off and get ready for my next client and then an early night in my next favourite place… my bed with clean sheets on! Oh the simple things!

CanSer doesn’t own me…….

Happy Sunday! We’ve been having a lovely weekend with my Pete’s youngest son and luckily for us the sun has come out to play too! We did a spot of retail therapy yesterday followed by sunbathing in the back garden. Bliss. The evening followed with good food and a movie then off to bed for a very hot night. It’s unusual to have such humid weather here in the UK (I’m not complaining). I slept like a log although a bit disturbed right through till 8am again this morning. I’m sure I wouldn’t wake till ten am if Pete didn’t get up!

There have been lots of Google alerts on some research found for triple negative over the last few days. It seems there is an enzyme called CD73 which makes breast cancer more resistant to anthracycline chemotherapy, a treatment that works by killing tumour cells and activating the body’s anti-tumour immune response.

More importantly, the study revealed that over expression of CD73 stops the body’s immune system from responding to cancer. Additionally, elevated levels of CD73 bring about a higher risk of distant metastases, the principal cause of death in patients with breast cancer.

By examining its effect on laboratory animals, Dr. Stagg’s team discovered that the combination of anthracycline and anti-CD73 therapies prolonged survival by over 50 per cent. However researchers have to investigate further to see whether or not anti-CD73 treatments are effective with other chemotherapy treatments. Human trials of CD73 inhibitors may begin within as little as five years, bringing hope to the thousands of women and men battling breast cancer presently and in the future.

This research was jointly led by Professor Mark Smyth of The Queensland Institute of Medical Research, Australia, and was funded by the Canadian Institutes of Health Research, the Cancer Research Society, the National Health and Medical Research Council (NH&MRC) of Australia and the Susan G. Komen Foundation, USA.

This is exciting news as it seems this keeps coming up in the news.

Also a lady who has been reading my blogs has contacted me regarding dendritic cell therapy and some info she has found online from an Australian company.

“In order to make a dendritic cell therapy vaccine, tumour associated antigen needs to be obtained. This can be either from a biopsy of the tumour or part of a specimen removed at operation. Or, it can be obtained from the urine during any treatment programme, which destroys tumour cells, such as chemotherapy, or in our case at our clinic, we use high dose intravenous vitamin C and Ukrain (Chelidonium Majus and

In conventional chemotherapy maximal tumour cell death occurs from one day to six days after a chemotherapeutic dose. It is during the first two days of this that the patient is instructed to save their urine and by a special filtration process saving molecules of a particular molecular weight, we are able to isolate tumour antigen specific to that particular patient and use this in order to make a dendritic cell therapy vaccine.”

“Therefore I would advise any patient following a conventional treatment programme, to save the urine and deep freeze it during the time of maximal tumour cell destruction and to look into having a dendritic cell therapy vaccine made, as this lessens the chance by
approximately 50%, of tumour recurrence. Just stimulating the immune system is too crude, in dendritic vaccines you stimulate the immune system to recognise specific tumour associated antigens, that is the key. General immuno-activation may not work. It has to be specific against that particular tumour, in that particular patient.”

I will ask Dr Nesselhut what his thoughts on this are in due course. I am sure Dr Nesselhut knows what he is doing but it’s always worth asking.

How do I feel today? Good… I have been considering my daily routine with the diet and exercise and everything else and wonder if it’s something I can continue forever? I think the motivation for it is there but keeping it up is another thing. I like change and the feeling of growing and improving myself and wonder if doing this is enough?

Am I missing anything or is my body getting used to it and therefore not responding as well?

I have adapted my morning juice as mentioned before to get the best of both worlds of juicing and smoothing. I am going to call my Smoouice! Ha ha! I can’t stomach having powders in my juice so I have been juicing cucumber, ginger and celery then adding that juice to the blender with spinach and avocado with flaxseed and my other powders. It looks good and taste pretty good too. I think this is a good compromise and since I have been doing it I haven’t had an upset stomach. Phew.

Sometimes I think I just want a break from it all. But I can’t stop now. I still have fleeting thoughts of what’s round the corner and keep reading that stage 4 triple negative survivors are living longer but not going into remission. Maybe there are some out there but I am guessing they don’t bother going online telling people about it once they have become well. I don’t blame them. Living and breathing canSer is consuming. I’m lucky as I don’t feel ill and I don’t worry like I used to but I cannot believe it has almost been a year since the day they told me it is ‘incurable’. Pah. I still think it. How can they know with all the treatment that I am having that I will not be cured one day?  But that’s the thing with canSer. Are you ever cured?

I have just read on my visitor’s page a lady who has got secondary canSer ten years after having breast canSer. That sucks… but I guess it’s a constant reminder that you never know what’s round the corner. All I know is that I don’t want this illness any more. I don’t want to live on red alert and always wondering if I am going to be well in six months time.

I suppose I am in control of all of that. CanSer doesn’t own me I own it and as far as I am concerned it has lost the battle and I fight to live another day better than the last. So there!

I have never felt as alive as I did this weekend….

Well that was a weekend to remember. Leading on from my last blog and wanting to have a chilled weekend we decided to head back to our boat Friday evening with the pretence of going on a little journey the next morning. Having checked the weather forecasts, and got advice from experts (apparently) we were up and off before 7.30am on Saturday morning on our way to Brighton by boat. We had agreed if for whatever reason the weather turned bad in the Solent we would return to our boat home. It was a beautiful start to the day and I was hopeful that it was going to be a great journey.

How wrong I was! We got a place called Selsy Bill where it is a headland and lots of tides come together. The wind was blowing a gale and wind over tide made the sea state horrific, to say the least. In short the journey turned into a living nightmare! The waves were so big the water was coming in the boat. It was really hard for the boat to be controlled and we were forced to slow right down just stay afloat. I was in pieces. Anyone that knows me that I am a fair weather boater and it is only for the love of my man that I put up with going on it. I knew we were in trouble when my bear said, ‘I know my limits and I can’t handle this.’ All that kept going through my mind apart from; ‘Please god don’t let me die!’ was ‘How are we going to get the boat back?’

Even though conditions settled the further past we got from the headland it felt like it took forever to get to Brighton. In fact the journey should have been two hours it actually took over three! Even when arriving in Brighton the wind conditions were immense and I felt physically drained. I didn’t have the energy to moan, have at go at Pete or anything. Now anyone that knows me will be laughing about the boaty thing. It is my worst nightmare! Luckily the sun was still shininig and for a few hours after I was numb and just basked in the sun with a tonic water, although I think Pete had laced it with gin to calm me down.

I am surprised as to how it affected me. I didn’t have an appetite, didn’t want to go out and went to bed quite early. However that all changed when another gale blew throughout Saturday night keeping me awake whilst I relived the day’s events. Honestly I think I am traumatised! It’s funny now but at the time O-M-G!

Then came the dilemma of how to get the boat back. I flatly refused to go back and Pete and I sat trying to decide what to do. He said he would drive it back on his own. Well that was just a stupid idea, and then he thought about getting a friend to go with him whilst I drove their car back. We then wondered if our boat manager would collect it which he agreed. All the while we started chatting to the staff at Brighton marina who did a good job being very nice offering us a free night there. Well the long and short of is that our boat is now rehomed… in Brighton! My friend who we went to visit was made up and cannot believe we have now made such a big decision. It’s further to get to but what a beautiful lively fun place to stay at weekends. And the bonus is that I don’t have to go out on the boat if I don’t want as there is plenty to do there. Win win situation. So I guess I should be thanking the Universe for t he terrible journey. It could have been worse but wasn’t. It also made us make the decision to move the boat. I believe it is the right thing to do and we will be very happy there.

The rest of the weekend was great. I got to chat with friends and sunbathe at the back of the boat. I was a bit off colour but I feel much better today! We got home late and had the best night’s sleep… thankfully.

This morning was a struggle to get up but once up I have really enjoyed my day. I had a call from a lady who wanted her brows done who I met about a year ago who also has secondary breast cancer. I had thought about her often over the last year hoping that she would read my ten point plan and take the same route as me but I can only guide people not force them. She rang me to cancel her brow appt as the chemo she has started has meant she has lost her hair again. She is also terminally ill as they call it and although feeling well the cancer has grown substantially in her liver and spine also. The risk she has is will her liver fail due to chemo or cancer. She has spent the last year ensuring her family will be ok but now she has decided she wants to live and asked me my advice. I am thrilled on her decision and have emailed and talked a lot about Dr Nesselhut and reishi and supplements and other elements that will give her confidence, good health and most of all hope. I feel a bit like a disciple spreading the good word and giving hope. I want to be her friend and hope also that things turn out better for her. I will ensure that she is carefully guided and anything I can do to help I will.

I am working today and have the pleasure of new clients once again. Things have really kicked off for me and I am really enjoying my work life.

Funny how events in life change things suddenly eh? I have never felt as alive as I did this weekend being faced with fear and death. To be honest I don’t want to feel like that again but I am very grateful for the life that I have got and the love of my wonderful husband, family and friends. If I can return that in any way then I would feel amazing.

Met a friend who I haven’t seen for over 20 years. I’m not old enough!

Well it has been a few days since I have written my journal/blog. It’s been fun filled and entertaining as usual.

Friday was Rays’ (the fella we care for) 90th birthday! I have to admit I am surprised he has made it this far since he has been in hospital so much over the past few years but boy, he is alive and kicking and looking forward to life. I’ll give Ray his due he doesn’t stop thinking about the future and what more he can get out of life. I do think though he is a bit old and sometimes crazy in his thoughts. Such as thinking he can simply go out and start driving again and go off on trips when he can’t walk and doesn’t have a driving license but at least he has gumption. I like that word. He doesn’t stop dreaming and maybe that is why he is still here today. I personally would want to be more involved with other people to have friends. Ray doesn’t have any one but us but at least he has us right?

We bought him a cake (without 90 candles that would have been silly really!) then took him out for lunch. We actually had a lovely afternoon and bless him he was really pleased.

Then on into the weekend. Saturday was a special day for me. It had been in my diary for some months and although I was excited I didn’t have any expectations of what the weekend would be like.  Pete and I drove to Brighton to meet a friend I haven’t seen for more than 20 years! I know I simply am not old enough to have friends that long ago but sadly at nearly 38 years old I do! My friend Clare (another one- Clare’s were popular in my year!) and I used to go to school together. In fact in the last year leading to our gcses her parents moved to Wiltshire from Weymouth. So that Clare wouldn’t have to re sit her whole last year in a new school my parents said she could live with us. For six months Clare and I shared a bedroom. We had to laugh. My parents had a huge house which was a bed and breakfast yet Clare and I had the smallest room in the house. Clare’s bed pulled out from under my bed and I used to have to step over her to get up. We had a great time and it was bizarre what clare could remember from that era. My memory is terrible for certain things. Clare could remember dinners we would eat. My mum made things simple for us by always having the same dinners on certain days each week. Monday fry up night, Thursday was pasty, jacket potato and beans night ( except for Clare she hates baked beans and had spaghetti!) then Fridays was fish and chip night, Saturdays chilli con carne and Sunday of course a roast. Apparently Clare remembers Wednesday we would try something different each week. I can’t remember what Tuesdays were! I found that the fact that Clare could remember this amazing! Oh how we laughed. She remembers how mum would tell us off for having two showers each day! Sometimes three! Well at least we were clean. We did of course get up to mischief and luckily for Clare only got in trouble with my –parents for being a tad naughty every now and then. But saying that we always got our homework done first then went out to ‘play’! Clare was academically amazing, had big brown eyes and long gorgeous hair and a great figure. Sickening! I turned up at her front door on Saturday and there she was with three beautiful children looking as gorgeous and fit as ever. Yuk! We squealed for a while with all the excitement and woke the baby! Oops! Five hours flew by and we had didn’t stop chatting. We have so much in common. I definitely won’t be leaving it so long and can see a new friendship with her and her husband to come.

Saturday evening we met one of our friends from home who now lives in Brighton. We went to a vegetarian restaurant (much to Pete’s disgust initially!) which was amazing! Terra a Terre is a must for anyone.  We all loved our food and Pete had a veggie version of fish and chips with haloumi. He thought it tasted better than real fish and chips! We then went and partied to old 90’s tunes. Such a great night. We spent our night at the grand hotel overlooking the sea. First thing the next morning I opened the curtains and the door to see bright sunshine and listen to the seagulls going about their way. After a hearty breakfast we walked and sat in the cold spring sunshine watching everyone making the most of the weather. I simply cannot remember such a chilled out and happy weekend.

On our drive home I felt amazed at how I feel so lucky to have such great friends. I have known so many people over the years but never made the effort to keep in touch. Thinking I didn’t need them and not realising how important they are to me.

I have in the last year rekindled many friendships all of which were in my life 37 years, 23 years, 15 years, and 9 years ago. I know we will now keep in touch and spend lots of time together. I’ve never had this many friends at once. Happy girl.

To top the weekend, Pete has been extra specially lovely. If that’s at all possible? We had so much love and cuddles and he is generous and kind with my friends. He is so easy to with everyone and what’s funny is everyone thinks they kind of know him already from having read my blog. My big wonderful Bear.

So the excitement doesn’t stop there. This weekend coming is a bank holiday. As a surprise Pete has said we are going away and to pack for somewhere cosmopolitan. In a conversation though he accidentally told me we are going to Rome! Bless him. He was gutted he let it out. But I don’t mind! So exciting. It is on my mood board of destinations I’d like to travel to and I have always wanted to go there!! Whoop!

 It’s funny being so busy at the weekend in a relaxed kind of way I felt less tired than I had all week. And today I woke up with a song in my head and feeling very cheery. I don’t feel sluggish and I certainly don’t want to sleep.  I’m almost half way through this cycle of chemo and I don’t really have any side effects except dry hands. But nothing that cream won’t sort out.

All the years I have always wanted to make sure I look after myself, moisturise my body after showering, body brushing, exercising, eating well, reading and more. And now I do them all the time. Ok so it’s because I have been prescribed them or need them for well being but inadvertently I am being the person I always wanted to be but was too lazy to be. My hands and feet are being moisturised every day. It’s crazy that I needed to wait for this to be ‘good’.

 Research has been coming in thick and fast recently. It seems triple negative is really quite a focus for many researchers. This of course pleases me! Apparently copper depletion has been found to ensure triple negative doesn’t spread or reoccur.

Researchers studied 40 women with tumours that were likely to recur. When given a copper-depleting drug, known as TM, patients had a reduction in cells that promote tumour growth.

“For the vast majority of them, their tumor didn’t come back. Even in those that we would really 100-percent expect their tumours to come back,” Dr. Linda Vahdat, Director of the Breast Cancer Research Program at Weill Cornell Medical College said.

Two patients with stage four triple-negative breast cancer are disease-free at four and five years.  Most triple-negative patients with advanced cancer die within ten months and 85 percent of patients with stage three or four breast cancers were disease-free at ten months.

Martha is one of them. Her cancer is still in remission and she’s hoping it will stay that way!

An evolving understanding of how tumour cells spread and set up shop in other organs led to the study of TM to prevent relapse in high-risk patients.

In order for a breast tumour to spread, it needs help. Tumour cells can migrate freely in the blood, but they need a specialized group of bone-marrow-derived cells called endothelial progenitor cells, or EPCs, to grow the blood vessels that feed a new tumour.

“If a breast cancer cell decides to go to the liver or lung or bone, these EPC cells help with establishment of those tumours,” said Baar.

Copper is a trace element we all need in small amounts for the formation of red blood cells and bone, as well as the absorption of iron. It’s also critical to mobilizing EPCs — when there isn’t enough copper available, the level of EPCs in the blood drops significantly.

TM is a copper chelation compound used to treat patients with Wilson’s disease, a rare genetic metabolism disorder that leads to excess copper in the blood. TM binds the excess copper and is then excreted as waste.

In the Cornell study, about 75 percent of the patients achieved the copper-depletion target using TM after one month of therapy, and in these patients there was a significant reduction in EPCs.

Whoa! This is amazing news. I think I need to know more about this copper depletion…..

Living till 100, eating spelt sugar free biscuits, and meeting good friends.. That’s what weekends are made of.

This weekend has been a good wholesome weekend doing things like baking spelt biscuits without sugar in… I didn’t do that Pete did. I’m not much of a cook! Soo tasty.. so much so I have put on a few pounds! Ha ha!

Saturday was fun. Apart from getting my morning rituals done we went along to a crystal shop and bought a few bits and bobs to help us along the way. I like the energy and having them around so we stocked up on things that are good for optimism, clearing negative energy and reducing stress levels. (Pete has one for his office!)

On returning home my oldest and dearest friend arrived with her hubby to be. They were in the vicinity organising their big day… So exciting!! We chatted for hours as we always do… A lazy Saturday afternoon.

There are many people in our lives at present all being affected by canSer, mothers, fathers, close friends, colleagues. News today of more progression of the disease in our friends relative really startled me a bit. I always look on the bright side but to be told a number of times in a few days of bad news really shook me up a bit. It makes the realisation of the disease and the possible outcome so much closer to home. I forget everything I am doing and just become a scared bunny rabbit in the head lights. I know it shouldn’t have that affect and I have been feeling so very settled and happy recently. It didn’t last too long but certainly puts the fear of God into me. That scan is looming in three weeks.


Some days I honestly can tell you I will be living till I am 100 and I am going to kick it this year. Then I get all fearful and think, ‘oh my god…. it could be me next’. I harp on about this but this is as hard for the canSer relatives as it is the patients. I spoke to Pete about how it made me feel when I woke up Sunday morning. He said it plays on his mind too when we get news from other people. But we have to remind ourselves of all the positive things that we are doing. Pete said we could happily live like this forever. The canSer doesn’t affect me and I am not ill as such. I agree but I so worry about living scan to scan. He reminded me it would be like that even if the canSer goes into remission. I keep thinking it would be good to have a sign.. Something to give me a heads up that things are going in the right direction. I try to think that the fact I haven’t got any symptoms should be enough but it isn’t. The reality is that if I hadn’t had a scan back in July I would be none the wiser now. Anyway enough of that dwelling.

Sunday was lovely -we celebrated the christening of a good friend’s baby and met lots of friends we hadn’t seen for some time. These sorts of things always have me thinking I don’t want to leave the comfort and bliss of my home and weekend with my hubby.. (Selfish I know) but I am always so pleased that I went. It’s the first time I have been to church in a long time; singing hymns and praying out loud. Of course I pray every day at home.

Today my prayers are with the family of a friend whose father has passed suddenly. Nothing I can say will make things better but my heart and thoughts are there.

Today I am working and looking forward to seeing more old friends.. but most of all (again selfishly) I cannot wait to see my Bear. I wish things were easier on him. Work is tough with so many responsibilities, home life is off the scale with worry… and all I can do is give him love. That’s all that matters at the end of each day. I give one of the best cuddles…so hopefully that makes up for the day he may have had.

I have decided I am going to make wish bracelets for charity. I want to raise funds for the Cancer Vaccine Institute as well as Marie Curie Cancer Care. I thought if I made bracelets by hand with love that people may want to buy them to show their support. I am looking forward to getting started and I need to design a card for them to go on.. so watch this space…

I had thought about organising an event like a roller disco. It’s something I really want to do, dress up and have such a laugh but at the same time raise money but I am worried it will be a flop and I don’t want the stress and worry of it failing. I know it’s a cop out but the future is so uncertain and I don’t know how I will feel, or if I will be on more chemo. I know I shouldn’t let that stop me.. Maybe it won’t.

‘Shopping’ with his work wife… :)

The weekend has flown past and I have been ever the bit Christmassy! I have done the food shopping, collected the turkey, cleaned the house, wrapped the last few pressies and collected my hubby after having his ‘shopping’ day in Oxford with his work wife, Adam! It’s an annual event that they have and come back pretty sloshed with big smiles on their faces with very few and sometimes no presents! Well at least they are happy! 🙂

It has been exciting all weekend receiving so many supportive messages and seeing the number of followers rise on my facebook page; (If you haven’t followed me yet please do! :)) I was about to say, I cannot believe how wonderful and kind everyone is being asking their friends to get their friends to follow me on Facebook. But I can believe it. I see the strength in numbers all the time and how people are truly so thoughtful when they want to be. I think the biggest thing about social media and this blog is how surprised I am at how many people are actually interested in what is happening in my life. It’s mind boggling but so very comforting knowing I am not alone. I just hope that it helps others that may be going through it too.

Today we have been to see Ray in hospital. Bless him. He so wanted to be with us on Christmas Day but has to stay there now. The up side is he looks much better so it’s worth staying in hospital in that case. Although he doesn’t seem to agree!

This afternoon has been spent watching Christmassy tv and having visits from my step son. All in all a great build up to the few big days ahead. And all the while I can’t help but keep looking at my facebook page as it gradually climbs! EEK!

I am so very touched to think that even while people are on holiday they are still thinking of Pete and I. Our good friend, Sam is travelling in South East Asia and has sent me so many ‘hearts’ pictures showing her support and we get little messages in the middle of the night (and the odd drunken phone call!) telling us that she is thinking about us and loves us. That is so surprising- you’d think we would be the farthest from her mind whilst she is having such a great time but no. It just makes me more determined come out the other side. I love her and all my friends.. Both Bear and I couldn’t do it without them.

On that note… I’m going to bed… Christmas Eve tomorrow!