Another busy working day yesterday but this week has felt really good. I feel quite evenly balanced and everything has been flowing. I have been looking on a website featuring women who have metastatic breast canSer recommended to me by a friend. It has real life stories on there about women who are still living with canSer ten years on once it has spread to other parts of their bodies. It initially gave me hope but then it dawned on me that I could live with this for the rest of my life. I am working hard in myself that I will beat this, that I will be a miracle and one day be told there is no sign of disease. But reading the life stories the women on there are all still taking medication and having to change every time something changes or doesn’t work anymore. That fills me with dread. There was one story of a woman who has lived with canSer for thirty years. Amazing but she felt terrible for much of it due to the chemo. That’s not a good quality of life really. Then at the end of her story there was note saying that she had died recently. Well she was in her late seventies.
I don’t know why this is a revelation to me all of a sudden. I suppose I live in this bubble where I believe I am going to be like Ian Gawler or some of those other amazing stories and survivors.
Any way it brings it all back to not worrying about the future as you never know what is going to happen anyway. No point wasting time and energy on those thoughts. It just caught me out a bit that’s all. I envisage me being told one day that I can stop taking chemo but it looks unlikely as long as I choose to listen to listen to the oncologists. And let’s face it they know enough about it to know what I should be doing.
Maybe I am living in denial. I feel so well I find it hard to believe that I actually have an illness at all. Living with incurable cancer is hard to get your head round at the best of times. I thought I would feel inspired by long term survivor’s stories but actually I take more comfort reading about rare cases of when the disease has gone altogether and the individual lives on for many years.
I keep telling myself I am doing quite unusual things that others are not which could make all the difference. I know that we all have to die eventually and I know there is nothing to worry about but when I read online of people having their 54th wedding anniversary it saddens me to think that I may never get to be old enough to do that. What an amazing length of time to be with the one you love. Till death us do part. Sad really… I’m selfish but I don’t want to go!
Today I’m going for reflexology… can’t wait and I have packed already for the weekend by the beach. Off to Brighton to hopefully enjoy more of the same sunny weather. Yay!