The day I had always dreaded

The day I had always dreaded. Claire called me up at work and tried to sound chirpy, but failed miserably. “I’ve got some good news and some bad news” She said.

The good news is that I don’t have to have any more Chemo “Whooo hoooo”. Then the bad news came. I don’t think I really heard anymore after that. Just a smashing in my heart, that shared the space with odd words, like lungs, tumours, untreatable and life expectancy.

Claire asked if I could talk to Dr Miranda Payne. I called and she kindly returned my call, with a lot more of the same, just more detailed. Again the 2 year life expectancy raised its head (how many times have I read that since about almost every cancer). The end of the call left me with no hope at all and is perhaps an over management of expectation because the one thing we have left is hope and unless there really is NO HOPE then it’s cruel to crush so fully.

Not sure how I drove home, alternately screaming at God to not take my Baby and crying for myself utterly selfishly knowing that I simply can’t live without her.

That evening was tears, hugs and exhaustion – It was the darkest time.

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