The pursuit of happiness….

I’m in the month of turning forty. I have always been a greedy girl and have stretched my birthday celebrations out for as a long as possible, usually a week, but as this year is a milestone and one that I was doubtful I’d achieve, I have made it extra long. So celebrations started last week on holiday. My birthday isn’t for another week and I will be continuing the celebrations right until the end of this month!

We have just returned from a week holiday with special friends in Ibiza. We bid on an auction prize at our charity ball to stay in a stunning villa overlooking San Antonio bay, Ibiza. Not just any old villa. This villa had an infinity pool, with modern facilities including a projector room and DJ decks so we could have own party. Lucky for us- we also had our very own resident DJ! Thanks Brendan!

We knew it was going to memorable and my special birthday treat. The friends that came also thoroughly enjoyed it and the week was filled with belly laughter, love, sunsets, more love and stunning views all wrapped up in a week of relaxation in the sun and partying until all hours of the morning. I am as brown as can be and so tired! But as content as a kitten. We met with friends that had organised and donated the prize and couldn’t feel any more gratitude than we did and still do.

Sometimes it’s so overwhelming with the generosity of others. We are so touched but so very thankful. I’m such a lucky girl. And I never forget it.

Having a week away does mean I tend to forgo my usual routine of taking tablets and doing my rituals. But I believe it’s good to mix things up and keep the body guessing. Right now though I am wishing I had had more sleep as I am struggling. I don’t know how my friends are coping as they are all back at work. Pete was up at 5am and off to the gym to continue on his quest for wellness too.

I don’t have regrets, well maybe a few, but I am dealing with those on my own and that’s a whole other healing journey. But it was so good not to have to think about canSer every second of the day. I didn’t have time to, amongst all the laughter and jokes. It is so important to be surrounded by the right people. People that support you on so many levels and have respect for each and every one of us.

Since coming home, the love and support from that group hasn’t ceased. We are missing each other terribly and the puns and jokes continue. I looked in the mirror yesterday and despite my skin looking old, dehydrated and creased from too much sun (and almost being forty!) I spotted a new laughter line around my mouth. This made me smile. How much smiling must have I been doing for this to be so apparent in just one week?

I don’t ever really get the holiday blues as I love being home so much and this was no different. On our return my kitty cat was actually quite welcoming, running to the gate and crying out as soon as we reversed on the driveway. Then we scanned the garden to see how much had bloomed in just seven days. I relished in unpacking and watering the plants whilst Pete washed the cars and I begun to do many loads of clothes washing. I put clean sheets on our heavenly bed and knew it was going to be the best night’s sleep EVER!

Yesterday the sun shone and we decided the holiday hadn’t yet ended and we spent the afternoon sunbathing and chilling to music. My gratitude levels have gone through the roof and we had a little dance in the garden as if we were still by the pool at the villa with our friends. It’s not hard to understand why I love my life so much.

As I said the fortieth birthday celebrations continue and the forthcoming weeks I have a lot planned and lots of friends and family to celebrate with. I am feeling a little overwhelmed and right now think I may have over egged it! But I am sure things will settle shortly.

Whilst away I checked emails and waited to receive an email from Dr Nesselhut regarding my next treatment round. I did get an email but as expected I am now trying to drill down and actually book dates and proceed. This always distracts me but it is essential.

I think I must be worried. I have been having very vivid dreams and they have been featuring new tumours in random places and not being able to treat them. I am very concerned about not making it to my fortieth birthday, which is only a week away. I have had it in my head that I somehow wouldn’t make and everything seems so surreal. I don’t know why, but as I am feeling so well surely this is unlikely. I guess in the back of my mind is, do I have confidence in nivolumab yet? That last scan really bothered me and with all the positive that was in it, I felt it was tainted with new tumours in my right lung. Bloody canSer….

So this morning I am back to it; meditation, yoga, not so much exercise sadly, (I didn’t feel like it) heat and air and more… I’d like to say I feel energised but I wonder if I am actually missing my Bear. I feel a bit low and extremely tired which is mad when I slept for more than 9 hours last night!

On the night of our return we decided to watch a movie called ‘Hector and his pursuit of happiness’. If you haven’t seen it I’d highly recommend it. It’s very thought provoking and humorous and had us asking the question what makes you happy? It felt quite apt because we had just returned from a place of beauty surrounded with happiness and laughter and we felt quite scared of the future- of what is around the corner. The biggest thing for me is fear stops me from being happy. As Pete pointed out we are all going to die one day, it’s just a matter of when, but I haven’t come to terms with the fear of dying…not really. And that makes me afraid. It stops me from being happy.

Then weirdly enough we awoke on Sunday and watched the news on BBC 1. They had a feature about a guy who written a book on happiness. I mean what are chances of that? We both looked at each other and thought, is the Universe or God trying to tell us something? Teach us?

We have both been laid heavy with worries prior to the holiday and those feelings will inevitably creep back in once life returns to ‘normal’. It really struck a chord with us and now we are on the pursuit of finding out what makes us and others happy. Not a bad subject to study and research…

I am rambling now and I feel a little light headed. There is so much to think about but I don’t want to get embroiled in meaningless thoughts… I have too much fun and happiness to have.

It’s good to be back…

May the gratitude continue…..Light and Love. X

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *