There is a battle going on inside of me….

The weekend was another memorable one. Pete was given a car for the weekend… not just any old car but his favourite car. We had the pleasure of driving up to our friends in a Bentley! Pete was like a kid in a sweet shop. It was so nice to see him so very happy.

I had a pretty bad night Friday night and despite wanting to stop annoying myself and anyone around me I just couldn’t help the niggles and pains I was experiencing and I still had one more night of injection side effects to go through.

I decided I wouldn’t have any pain anymore and took plenty of paracetemol. I still didn’t sleep and I woke grumpy again. Part of me was wondering is it the vaccines, is it the il2 injections, or is it the scorpion venom?

I simply can’t put my finger on it. To be honest all weekend I was off. Not my vibrant self and it was getting me down a bit. I hate not being ‘right’. We still had an awesome time with friends and I loved cruising around in a £200,000 car and having a little drive of it myself!

When we got home we cuddled in the garden for a while and Pete was just lovely as always. He made a tasty paella, and made the ambience perfect for our friend who spent the evening with us. It was just bliss. I think having friends around and doing things is good because it takes my mind off ‘things’. It’s when I’m left alone again I’m not myself.

Today I have been really busy but one great thing is I slept really well last night compared to the last week. I had no pain what so ever. This indicates it must be those il2 injections. I think I may reduce the dose next time around.

I still haven’t received any scan results and the secretary has even emailed the radiologists to find out where it is. I emailed the secretary to tell her that I will not be attending my clinic appointment tomorrow in that case. She totally understands. To be honest, today I am past caring what that report has to say. I almost don’t want to know. I am living in denial today.

This morning I was woken by my lovely man who got up early and cleaned everything from last night, bought me hot lemon and my medication. He told me to stay in bed and try to chill out more because I don’t do enough of it! This is the man that works all the time, has the pressures of the whole wide world on his shoulders. He is so super wonderful it makes me cry. I feel guilty for moping around and not being on top form.

I don’t know what is wrong with me. I am not myself. And I don’t like it. I feel a bit in limbo. I am nearing the end of my health counselling course and there are a lot of decisions to be made and work to be done. I simply don’t feel like it right now. I keep wondering if it is hormones because I usually want to do everything! I’m normally planning and doing and never stopping. The not doing at the moment is making me feel worse I think.

I have so much to be happy for and so much to look forward to. Yet I feel like my life’s plans are all squiffy. I am not sure if I am putting things off and thinking I’ll do them when I am better. How much better do I need to be? Let’s face it there is nothing wrong with me really. Only what they tell me.

So there isn’t anything that should be stopping me doing anything! I need a plan of action for every element of my life; a re-evaluation. That’s it. I need to step back and make a decision on what it is I want to change and how I want things to be.

I want to incorporate the health counselling into my daily business and advise those who need my help such as other canSer survivors who are just beginning, half way through or who have come out the other end and want to stay well. I can advise on every element of my ten point plan and that includes exercise, nutrition and supplements, alternative treatments, meditation and consultants. I am living proof of the information I can provide.  OK, I too have down days but that only makes me more real.  Even I need advice and therapy too, but I think by making a plan I will get myself to a happier more vibrant me again.

It’s amazing how such little niggly things can really throw you off course. Not only the pain at night but the acidic feeling in my tummy has been upsetting me. Pete pointed out that there is a battle going on inside of me. Of course I am going to feel it sometimes! He is so logical…But that’s why everybody needs somebody.  And I intend on being that ‘somebody’ for many people hopefully, who will require my services.

Here are a few shots of our weekend that made me smile;

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