Why do I want things I can’t have?

Our Easter weekend is filled with home improvements. I was told that Easter is the busiest time for the DIY stores, a bit like Christmas is for retail stores. Today we have been painting our spare room. I love making changes to things and making things ‘better’. For a while I thought what is the point of doing that? It’s a waste of time and money, especially in my circumstances but to make it normal and feel like I did before I think I have continue doing things that I used to do. And anyone that knows me knows that I am forever improving my home one way or another. I like to keep things fresh and I believe our house is really homely. (That’s another word for cluttered! Haha!) I like the idea of rooms being themed and this room is going to Balinese or Scottish themed. I know, two very different ideas but they are based around a British plum coloured feature wall.The best bit of DIYing is dancing to really good tunes at the same time! Ive been getting my groove on all afternoon. Amazing how 8 hours goes so fast!

We started off slowly today though. We had a bit of a lie in and needed to go to the shops to buy our materials. I always feel a bit rushed when doing these kinds of jobs. I just want to get them done. The great thing with painting is that it’s instant and you can see a complete change instantly. I am already thinking of the furniture it will need in there. And this frustrates me more as everything takes so long once ordered. I am not sure why I am feeling so impatient at the moment.

I’m also feeling a bit like I want to eat everything in sight and that includes everything I have been avoiding for some time. I feel like I am being a bit naughty every day one way or another. Maybe having a coffee or havinga hot cross bun (what? It fell in my mouth!) But I am aware that I should maybe try a bit harder. I watched Meatloaf on TV last night and he mentioned that he is avoiding gluten and potatoes and rice etc as he is trying to reduce inflammation in his body. This was a reminder of why I need to do that too. Chronic inflammation is what causes disease in our bodies. It sounds odd but it’s true. This is where the good ol’ alkaline diet comes in. And I do stick it profoundly but I have been feeling like I just want to eat different things. I don’t even like MacDonald’s but I find myself craving egg mcmuffins! I think it is because in my head I am well. I don’t have canSer and that now I can be a bit flexible in what I do. This scares me. I don’t want to let things go back to the way they were and I don’t know still if the canSer is there or not. In my gut it has gone but our bodies are sneaky things. We have no idea really what is going on inside.

This need to make changes and craving other foods is really causing me issues in the mornings. I have really gone off my green juices. I am actually starting to dread them and feel like they are medicine. They were never really tasty but I liked the way they would make me feel. I feel brighter and cleansed and full of energy but I don’t have any real boost when I have them now. I think maybe my body is used to them. The thing is my green juice is just that- full of green vegetables. I don’t like fruit in them as it tastes too sweet. But here’s another weird thing I am craving more sugary things. Kris Carr says in her books that sugar is like ‘crack’. It is, I know it is, but maybe because it is Easter I want a crème egg! I have my dark chocolate as mentioned before but it’s not cutting it. I know Pete feels the same. Despite him being a good boy I know he really wants one too. I don’t know where this need to feel like I am having a treat comes from as I constantly have treats. I mean it was only a few days ago I was in Germany having lovely meals out with my man. I think life is such a struggle for many of us these days that we now live in a culture of treating ourselves regularly. I mean I know many of us have a mid week drink and go out for dinner weekly. It’s common place to always be celebrating. Look at many pubs and they do 50% off champagne on Wednesday evenings! Who drinks champagne on a Wednesday just for the sake of it? Ok I did for many years but that was being totally decadent.

 

As well as this I have been feeling a bit off today. I feel like I want something and don’t know what. I think deep down I feel like wanting to know I haven’t got canSer anymore. A big ask I know. I’m not sure why? Of course the obvious but even if they told me it wasn’t any present more I still technically have canSer that could return at any time. Life will never be calm will it? Will there ever be a time when I can say, ‘bugger it I’m having a bit doorstop of bread with thickly spread butter? There is always going to be the question of what is working and what isn’t. I truly believe that diet is important but it’s different for everyone. Kris Carr knows that diet is the thing that has stopped her canSer progressing. But triple negative is different apparently. I am not totally sure that a little carbohydrate will hurt me anyone with triple negative. Surely she has some sugar sometimes as she has recipes in her books that are tasty sweet desserts and smoothies with fruits in. I think I need to stop thinking about food and worrying about what will be and go and find the Bear for a cuddle.

It dawned on me last night that I haven’t had any weird morbid thoughts recently. The ones that really bothered and I would picture the most random bad stuff happening to me. This was one of the things I went to see Mark Newey for and had hypnotherapy . He said at the time I probably wouldn’t feel any major changes and it would be subtle and then one day it would occur to me. Well it has. It has occurred to me that I do feel calmer and more level headed and those weird nasty thoughts no longer plague me. This is amazing! I never doubted the therapy would work but I didn’t have any high expectations either. Maybe that’s why I feel odd at the moment. For the past 8-9 months I have been battling every day really trying hard to make sure I am making every effort to heal myself one way or another. Now I think a lot of it is second nature. When I wake up I instantly think of my prayer and promise. Then whilst waiting for my hot drink in bed (I know pampered aren’t I?) I may do my visualisations.  My morning rituals are second nature now too. So everything I have been striving to do is being done. I suppose I am used to really having to make an effort for me to believe that I can get well again and now that I am not making an effort I am feeling like something is amiss. Maybe the something that is amiss should be replaced with the knowledge that everything is being done at the best of my abilities.  I do feel strangely relaxed. But I don’t want to become complacent. I can’t afford to. But I am having some much fun with life right now and having normality in it is comforting for me and my family and my Bear. God knows we need normality. Whatever that is! Here’s to having a normal life! Yeha!

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